“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. It’s just that I know what it’s like to have the weight of the world on your shoulders and no one to talk to. If you don’t want to talk to me, I get it—”
“No,” I rushed out. “You’re Jameson’s wife. I don’t want to put you in a weird place and I don’t want you to think I’m talking trash about Holden because I’m not. He’s your friend.”
“Who’s your friend?”
Kennedy’s question made my eyes sting. I’d lost most of my friends when Holden and I broke up, and the few who had hung around turned their backs on me when I found out I was pregnant. My whole life had revolved around Holden.
I eventually found new friends but they were more work acquaintances. All they’d known was, I was a widowed single mother. And when I moved, they’d dropped off, too.
“Damn, Charleigh, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t,” I sighed. “I don’t know how my life got here. I’m stuck. Some days it feels like the morning I woke up and found Holden packing. Other days it feels like being with him was a lifetime ago. We’ve been apart longer than we were together and I can’t stop loving him. What’s wrong with me?”
Ten minutes with Holden and I was right back to the sad-sack in love with a man who’d kicked me to the curb. No self-respecting woman would allow herself to throw her life away.
“Nothing’s wrong with you,” she whispered. “Why’d he break up with you?”
“No clue.”
“What?”
I slowly exhaled before I told her the truth. “I don’t know why because he refused to tell me. One day everything was good. The next morning, I woke up and he was packing. He just said he couldn’t be with me. For months I begged him to tell me what was wrong and he never would.”
“What an ass,” she mumbled and my stomach knotted.
“He’s not,” I defended, hating that Kennedy thought that. “We shouldn’t talk about this. It’s really not cool of me to tell you this. I don’t want you to think badly about him. And Jameson probably wouldn’t be happy if you…I don’t know, took my side, or got mad at Holden. And seriously, I don’t want anyone taking sides and I really don’t want Jameson mad at me. You all have been really good with Faith. I can’t take that away from her.”
“What about you, Charleigh?”
“What about me?”
“Who do you have?”
God, there was that question again. The one I didn’t want to answer because I had no one, and admitting it made me feel like more of a loser than I already did.
“I have Faith.”
“Your daughter doesn’t count.”
“She totally does. She’s all that counts. I can’t risk upsetting you and Jameson. She needs good people in her life. I’ll figure it out, I always do.”
“I don’t like knowing you’re hurting and you don’t have anyone to turn to.”
“Maybe there’s a reason I lost all my friends when I lost Holden. Maybe I’m as horrible as they all thought I was—being with one man and getting knocked up by another. Maybe I’ve spent all these years blaming Holden for leaving me and breaking my heart so I wouldn’t have to face what I did. Maybe they’re all right, it didn’t matter that Holden dumped me and shattered the perfect future I thought we were going to have. I’m still the bed-hopper, the slut that got drunk and had a one-night stand that resulted in my daughter being conceived. It’s all my—” I clamped my mouth shut and closed my eyes when I heard Kennedy gasp.
Oh, shit.
Fuck me running, I said way too much.
Way. Too. Much.
“Could Holden—”
“He says no. But I didn’t hide anything from him,” I rushed out. “Paul knew, too.”
Kennedy’s brows hit her hairline. Then they pulled together and her face slowly turned red.
“You wouldn’t have told him if there wasn’t a chance,” she scoffed.
“Kennedy, please—”
“What a dick.”
“Please don’t say that. Please—”
“I swear to you, I won’t breathe a word to anyone, but I’m seriously pissed at Holden.”
“You don’t understand. It was complicated. Everything was messed up. Then my parents got involved and it got more twisted until I did the only thing I could to get everyone off my back. Maybe if I hadn’t been rushed into marrying Paul, Holden and I could’ve worked it out.”
It had been the perfect storm. Holden had told me he never wanted to see me again. I’d slept with Paul, then I’d spent weeks feeling like a disgusting bitch for letting it happen. I found out I was pregnant. Holden had flipped out. My parents had freaked out and demanded I be married before I was showing so they wouldn’t be embarrassed around their friends. Paul asked me to marry him, then we’d rushed everything because he and his team were leaving for training and he wanted us married before he left. It was the craziest ten days of my life. I couldn’t think straight, so I agreed.
That was when I knew there was no fixing me and Holden.
We were over—forever.
“I’m not even talking about Faith right now. I’m pissed he broke up with you and didn’t bother to tell you why. Who does that?”
“He told me the baby couldn't be his.”
“Right,” she snapped. “Were you having sex with him?”
God, would I ever stop feeling the shame of bed-hopping?
“The week before,” I admitted and braced for her repugnance.
“Damn, Charleigh, you look like I’m gonna judge you. He broke up with you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I was drunk and—”
“Stop. I don’t care if you were stone sober. You did nothing wrong. You weren’t together with Holden and slept with someone else. That doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“But Paul was—”
“Jeez, why do women always have to shoulder the guilt? Have you ever stopped to think that if Paul was such a good friend to Holden he never would’ve touched you? Obviously, Paul wasn’t thinking about his friend when he crawled into bed with you.”
No, I hadn’t thought about it like that, mainly because I’d been too busy beating myself up. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about much except how badly I’d felt that Paul had been stuck with me the months before he died.
“I can’t do this,” I announced. “I’m sorry, Kennedy. I appreciate you offering to be my friend, but trust me, if you knew all the screwed-up things I did, you wouldn’t be offering.” I stood up and swiped at my tears before they started to roll down my cheeks. “Please, don’t be mad at Holden. We both messed up. It was both of our faults.”
“I don’t see how you can think that.”
“Because he was mine and I missed something. Something big. I thought everything was great but it wasn’t. There was something wrong and I missed the signs. Or maybe he’d been telling me in his own way he was unhappy and I ignored it.”
“Or maybe he’s a dumbass and should’ve talked to you.”
“I just want to stop loving him,” I whispered. “I want to forget. I never should’ve moved up here, but after Holden almost died I couldn’t stop myself. I had to know. I had to try to get him to listen to me one more time. It was selfish. I uprooted my daughter. I infiltrated his life. And now that I’m here, I can’t bear to take you all away from Faith. So, please, don’t be mad at him. Just pretend I never told you.”
“Charleigh.” Kennedy reached out and I stepped back.
“Please.”
“Okay. I won’t be mad.”
My mother was wrong, I wasn’t a reactor. I was a ruiner. Everywhere I went I ruined people’s lives.
8
“Yo!” Chasin called out as he opened the door to Holden’s Airstream.
He really needed to start locking the door. Actually, he needed to hook his rig up and move it off of Genevieve and Chasin’s land.
“Dude. Knock much?” Holden pulled his head out
of the fridge. Not technically—however, he straightened after a solid five minutes of staring even though it was mostly empty.
“Evie’s in her studio,” Chasin informed Holden, as if that was an excuse not to knock. “I’ve given you a week and you haven’t said anything.”
“About?”
“Charleigh—”
“Don’t go there.” He slammed the door and pinned Chasin with a stare. “No more talking about Charleigh.”
“Brother, it’s eating you up. It’s time we talk about what happened.”
“What happened is I fucked over a good woman and I’m gonna pay for that for the rest of my life. There’s nothing more to it. And shut the damn door if you’re coming in, I’m not trying to heat the outside.”
Chasin closed the door but made no move to come farther in.
Good. That meant he wasn’t planning on staying, which if Evie was just across the yard in her music studio, Holden wasn’t surprised.
Genevieve Ellison-soon-to-be-Murray, or better known by her stage name Vivi Rush, had a set of golden pipes. There was a reason she’d climbed to the top of the charts when she’d released an album. However, she’d given up the fame to do what she loved to do—write music and help new artists. She and Chasin had converted an old barn into a kickass recording studio and office for Evie. The bottom floor also had a badass bar and lounge area.
Sometimes when she had bands she was producing over, they’d sit around the firepit in the space between Holden’s Airstream and the studio and throw back a couple of beers and jam. Sometimes the whole gang would come over and sometimes it would only be Holden and Chasin joining, sitting back to enjoy a live show.
“I’ve waited a long time to ask you this,” Chasin started. “Why’d you never tell Charleigh about Paul cheating on her?”
Holden tried but failed to keep his frame from going solid. He contemplated playing dumb, however, there was zero chance Chasin would fall for that line of bullshit.
“How’d you know?”
“Saw him the night we were at The Dog right before we took that trip to Tennessee. That was what, a month into their marriage? Asshole didn’t even try to hide it.”
The normal anger that accompanied thinking about all the fucked-up shit Paul had done flared to life. That night at the bar, Paul had been particularly open about taking a blonde out the front door only to come back in a half-hour later with a smile.
“Everyone else know?”
“My guess is Nix suspected it, but you know him. The way Paul died, he likely erased every bad thought he ever had about the man. Jameson was never Paul’s biggest fan. He wasn’t thrilled when Paul got shuffled into our squad when CJ left so he didn’t pay much attention to Paul. But Jameson was there that night, so I’d say he didn’t miss Paul flaunting that shit in front of you. But—”
All the hair on the back of Holden’s neck stood on end.
“Wait. What? You think he was flaunting picking up a woman in front of me?”
“Actually, I think he was taunting you with it. Paul never did hide the fact he was jealous as fuck of you. You beat him at pretty much everything.”
Jesus fuck.
“Seriously? I knew he had his eye on Charleigh, but she’s gorgeous so I didn’t think much about it.”
Chasin was quiet for a good long stretch before he seemed to win some internal battle and said, “I screwed you over.”
Holden’s brows knitted together and his muscles bunched at his friend’s admission.
“Come again?”
“That day in the park when I met with Charleigh. She told me straight out she loved you. I should’ve advised her not to marry Paul. But she was a wreck. Her parents were down her throat about the kid being born without a father. You’d pushed her away. Paul was pressing her hard to get married and do it before we left on that workup. She was so scared I didn’t know how to tell her.”
Acid bubbled as vile thoughts ran through Holden’s head.
“Did he…get her pregnant on purpose?” The question left a sour taste behind and more anger grew.
“I think he knew she was at the bar with Alison and hightailed his ass over there looking for his shot. There was only one thing he could do to hurt you and that was to take Charleigh. I think her winding up pregnant was icing on that particular cake. With her trapped, he’d win.”
“Jesus Christ. Fucking hell!” Holden exploded.
With his body taut and his temper rising, Holden thought back to that night. The team had all been at Weston’s place playing poker. Holden was coming back to the table from grabbing a beer when he heard Nixon mumbling this was his last hand, Alison and Charleigh were at The Dog and drunk, and he needed to pick them up. Nix had made his statement quietly, not meaning for Holden to overhear. By that time, no one was mentioning Charleigh’s name in front of him. Before the hand was dealt, Paul had stood and announced he was done for the night.
Paul had heard Charleigh was drunk and left.
Son of a bitch.
“I saw them that night,” Holden admitted. “When I left Weston’s, I went to her place to apologize. I couldn’t live with what I’d done to her and I needed to tell her the truth. Then I saw them get out of a taxi. I sat outside like a stalker and waited until Paul left.”
“Christ, Holden, you never said you saw them.”
“I’ve never said a lot of shit I should’ve. I never told Charleigh about Paul fucking other women. I never told her why I left her.”
“Why haven’t you?”
“Because it no longer matters.”
Holden barely recognized his own voice. Defeat laced every word. He’d fucked up and lost her and now it felt like he was losing her all over again. A feeling that was so crippling he wasn’t sure he’d survive. Hell, he didn’t deserve to survive it. He’d earned every twinge of pain, every stab of regret, every twist of the knife when he looked at Faith.
“I think it matters a lot, Holden. It’s been years and neither of you have moved on. If nothing else, don’t you think you owe it to her to come clean so she can find some semblance of happiness? I’ve watched her since she’s moved here. She’s not living. She works, she gives everything to Faith, she smiles on cue when she’s with us, but she is miserable. And I’m not even gonna start on how you live your life—but, brother, it’s painful to watch. Don’t you want to find a woman and have a family?”
A trail of agony slithered down his spine.
Family.
Holden wasn’t capable of having a family—that option had been taken away from him courtesy of the Navy.
“No, Chasin, I don’t want either of those,” he lied.
The truth was, all Holden had wanted was to build a family with Charleigh.
“Holden—”
“Trust me, a family is something I will never have.”
That wasn’t a lie. Holden would never have what he’d desired most. He was utterly incapable of making one.
The two men stood in the tiny space and locked eyes. Holden allowed his friend to see every ounce of remorse and pain he felt. When Chasin clenched his jaw, Holden knew he saw it.
Before Chasin could question him further, he changed the subject. “Who’s going in with Micky tomorrow?”
The team had decided to delay reaching out to Kimberly’s mom until they had more information. There was no need to cause the woman anymore pain than she’d already experienced if Jonny was wrong and the incidences weren't linked. No one wanted to cause the grieving mother undue stress.
However, after a week of investigating, the team felt Jonny was right and it was time for Micky to make contact with Kimberly’s mom.
“No one. She wants to go in alone. It’s her opinion Donna Lot wouldn’t be comfortable with any of us there.”
Holden nodded his agreement. They’d discussed some of the questions Micky was going to ask and he didn’t think any mother would be comfortable discussing her daughter’s possible abuse in front of a man, especially one she did
n’t know.
“I hate for Micky to take it on herself, but it’s the best play.”
Once again, the men fell silent, a host of emotions flickering in Chasin’s gaze. His right eye twitched—Chasin’s tell that he was annoyed—and Holden braced.
“I think you need to tell Charleigh who Paul really was.”
That was not what he thought his friend was going to say. He was also not going to get into another Charleigh conversation.
“That’s not gonna happen. I already let a few things slip. He’s dead and gone. I’m not going to dishonor the memory of her husband.” The flavor of his words made him wince.
Her husband.
Charleigh had married the bastard.
His beauty Leigh-Leigh had a lying, cheating asshole for a husband and that was Holden’s fault, too.
“Hold—”
“You should go see what Evie’s up to,” Holden cut him off.
“Stubborn fuck,” Chasin muttered and exited.
He wasn’t stubborn, he was finally being smart.
Hours later, Holden was in bed on his back staring at his favorite picture. Leigh-Leigh sitting in his lap, her thick brown hair loose around her, a beautiful smile on her face, her eyes brimming with happiness. She looked so happy. He looked like a man who knew he had it all.
Then he threw it away.
9
“Do you think when me and Rory are done, can you take us to get milkshakes?” Faith happily chirped.
It had been a long, exhausting week and I was looking forward to Aurora Hall coming over to play with Faith all morning. With Rory over, Faith would be occupied and I could finally have time to look over the paperwork my attorney had mailed me.
For the last two weeks, I’d slept like shit. All I could think about was what Holden had said. Which was counterproductive to me, trying to live my life not thinking about him. I couldn’t be bothered to give much thought to Holden knowing Paul had been cheating on me, when the Towlers were now having me followed.
It was on that thought, I answered my daughter, “Not today, sweets.” Faith frowned and I quickly went on, “But I will order you pizza with extra garlic knots and we have root beer.”
Holden's Resurrection (Gemini Group Book 6) Page 6
