Holden's Resurrection (Gemini Group Book 6)

by Riley Edwards

“No, Charlotte, I can’t give you what you want.”

  Calling me Charlotte was a low blow. No one but my parents called me by my full name. And he knew how much I hated it.

  “There you go, Holden, doing what you do best—putting distance between us. Run. You’re so good at switching off your feelings you should teach a class. You’re a master at masking your emotions and making the people around you feel so unimportant and immaterial that I doubt you even realize you do it.”

  “What do you want me to say? I left you because I wanted you to have—”

  “Fuck. You. You left because you didn’t trust me enough to talk to me about something big in your life. You left me because you didn’t want to admit to me there was something medically wrong with you. You left me because you didn’t trust that I would love you in any way I could have you. Don’t push your insecurities onto me and make this about me. We could’ve adopted. We could’ve gone to a fertility doctor and had a family. Or guess what, we could’ve just lived our lives together and had wild adventures, just the two of us. But you didn’t give me the option. You stole that from me. You took yourself away from me, and for the last eight years, I’ve lived in hell wondering why. And now that I know, I wish I didn’t. I wish I could go back to wondering why you didn’t love me enough to fight for us.”

  My hands came up to cover my face and my fingertips dug into my throbbing forehead.

  “You still won’t fight,” I mumbled from behind my palms.

  “What was that?”

  I dropped my hands and looked Holden dead in the eyes.

  “You still won’t fight for us. I waited for you. Every day, I waited and prayed you’d come back and tell me so we could be together. Eight years I waited.”

  “I’m here, Leigh-Leigh, standing in front of you telling you I never stopped loving you.”

  “So?”

  Holden’s eyes widened before they hardened. “So?”

  “Yeah, Holden, so what you never stopped loving me, what does that matter? Nothing has changed. You still can’t have kids.” I threw my hands up in frustration. “Just because you’re admitting it doesn’t mean shit. How long before you leave me again? Only this time, I have Faith to consider. You’re still not willing to fight for us.”

  “I sure as fuck am,” he growled.

  Please, he could save his caveman grunting for someone who gave a shit.

  “Bullshit. I just watched you shut down. You’re ready to give up and walk away because I pointed out you still can’t have kids. That’s not fighting, Holden, that’s being a—”

  I didn’t get to finish my sentence because Holden was in my space, walking me backward until my butt hit the counter. Then his hands went around my waist and he lifted me off my feet and plopped me down on the granite surface. Holden wasted no time spreading my legs and stepping between my thighs.

  This was something I’d forgotten about him, how unbelievably annoying it was that when we were arguing about something he wanted to be in my space. Not in a threatening manner. In a way where all there was to focus on was my face.

  “That’s me wanting you to have your heart’s desire. I’ll give it to you, I was selfish. I did leave you because I was insecure. But I didn’t want you to have to go through the possible heartbreak of adoption. I didn’t want you to get a baby and have it taken away from you. I didn’t want you to have to go through doctors’ appointments and disappointments.”

  “Liar. You didn’t want to go through the possible disappointments. You didn’t want to take the chance of us getting a baby and having it taken back. Don’t blame me.”

  Holden’s body went statue-still before it started to vibrate. His face contorted and I jolted when the scariest, nastiest, most chilling sound rumbled from his chest and out of his throat. The noise didn’t sound human, he wasn’t forming words, it was animalistic and painful to hear. But that wasn’t what tore my heart in half. It was the big, fat tears that leaked from the corner of his eyes. I sat frozen in horror as they rolled down his face in rivers.

  “Honey,” I whispered and lifted my hands, but before I could reach his face to wipe away the tears, he caught my hands, trapping them between us.

  “I couldn’t do it.” He licked his lips and waited for my gaze to lift before he continued. “I couldn’t do it, Leigh-Leigh. I wanted a family with you so badly I knew I would break if we’d adopted and the birth mother changed her mind and took our baby from us. I read so many books on adoption and that’s the first thing the experts warn about. It’s a possibility. I couldn’t see you with our child then have it taken away from us. I wanted Faith. I didn’t care she was Paul’s. I wanted to lie and pretend she was mine. But I knew if Paul asked for a DNA test she’d be taken from me. But the God’s honest truth is, I would give anything if she was ours. I want her to be ours so fucking badly.” Holden’s voice hitched and I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “I’m gonna fight for us, baby, but Faith’s it. There’ll be no more kids. That part hasn’t changed.”

  I had waited so long to hear him tell me he was going to fight that my first instinct was to give in and tell him all was forgiven. Only I couldn’t.

  “What’s changed?”

  “Faith.”

  “What?” I tried to pull back but Holden dropped his forehead to mine.

  A sure sign I wasn’t going to like what he had to say because he didn’t want to look me in the eyes while he said it.

  “I couldn’t face her. Fuck, Leigh-Leigh, I didn’t blame her, but seeing her was a knife to the gut. She represents all that I want. Everything I wanted for us. I couldn’t look at her without feeling sorry for myself. Then I’d feel overwhelming guilt because she’s innocent in all of this. The circle was unending. I wanted to fight for us, for you, hell, for her, but I couldn’t even be in the same room without…fuck.” The words sounded tortured as Holden spoke.

  He was talking about my daughter. My child. And as much as I didn’t want to understand because she was mine, I did. I could put myself in his shoes. If the roles were reversed and he’d had a baby with another woman, I wouldn’t be able to be around that child. I could lie to myself and say I was better than that and a good, decent person wouldn’t feel that way, but that would be bullshit. I’d avoid Holden and his child. I’d do whatever I could to never see them together. The pain would be unbearable.

  Some of the anger waned as the heart-wrenching pain crept back in.

  Would I ever feel whole again?

  “Faith hasn’t changed, Holden.”

  “No. But I have. She’s not mine but she’s yours. She’s a part of you. I want to get to know her better. I can’t walk away from you again. I physically cannot do it. It’s always been you for me—always Leigh-Leigh. And I know I’m it for you. If I wasn’t, you would’ve moved on. You would’ve picked up the pieces I broke, dusted yourself off, and found someone. I know you, that’s the kind of woman you are. You’re strong and resilient. You wouldn’t have waited all these years for me if you didn’t love me in a way that will never die. We have to try to make this right.”

  Music to my ears. Words that fed my soul. I’d waited so many years to hear him tell me he loved me and wanted me back. So many damn years.

  “I’m sorry, Holden, but I can’t.”

  “Baby,” he rasped.

  God, the pleading in his voice was going to kill me.

  “I get it—all of it. I understand why you avoid us and it pains me to say, I would’ve done the same thing. Seeing you with someone else’s child would kill me. But, I have to think about Faith. She’s already attached to you. It will only get worse the longer she’s around you. I can’t chance her well-being, Holden. I know the pain of you leaving better than anyone. I know what it feels like to have you, then have nothing. I don’t want that for her.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. Didn’t you hear me? I said I can’t walk away. I’ve missed you so damn much, I ache. You’re all I’ve thought about. Leigh-Leigh, please give us a chance.�
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  “I heard you say you wanted to try. That’s not good enough. Trying means testing the waters. Trying means there’s a possibility you walk when you realize Faith is still Faith. She’s a part of me but she’s always a part of Paul, too. One day, that will crash over you and we’ll be right back where we were, you not being able to look at her. And, Holden, I love you with every cell in my body. I love you so damn much. But I love my daughter more. She comes first.”

  I felt Holden’s swift inhale and his body between my legs had once again gone solid.

  “I don’t need that knowledge to crash over me. There’s not a day that’s gone by that I haven’t remembered who her prick of a father is.”

  “And that right there is why this is not ever going to work. You can’t even say his name without venom.”

  “Damn right, I can’t. The asshole preyed on my woman. Waited until the right moment to take advantage of her. Then he screwed her over. He had you in his bed and he stuck his dick in any barfly that would look at him. Unforgivable. He was a disgrace to the uniform he wore and the gold pin on his chest. He knew nothing about honor, commitment, or brotherhood. He was a spineless, selfish asshole.”

  Nothing I could say would make Holden understand that I didn’t care Paul was out getting laid. I was his wife on paper and nothing else. I wasn’t sleeping with him. I didn’t love him. We were barely friends. My marriage was a sham from start to finish. Something I allowed my parents to talk me into because I was scared and weak. I didn’t care what others thought of me, I certainly didn’t care what my parents’ country club friends thought. But I did care about the child growing in my belly. Back then I was a young, freaked out, scared girl. I hadn’t been thinking straight. I thought marrying Paul was the best thing to do. If I was in the same situation today, I would’ve gone at it alone. I wouldn’t think twice about raising my baby by myself.

  Being the man that he was, Holden would never fathom why a man would cheat on his wife. Even if the marriage was a farce.

  “Here’s what you don’t get—Paul might’ve been all of that and more, but Faith will never know those things. To her, he will always be the hero who died in combat before she was born. To her, he will always be the man who was excited to become a father and a man who loved the mere thought of her being born. That is what she’ll know of him. That is all I can give her and she’s damn well getting it. She asks questions, Holden, and how are you going to answer them when you can’t keep the disdain out of your voice or the hatred off your face? What happens when she asks me to look at pictures of him? How will you react to that? I wish things had been different for us. My biggest regret is not barring the door so you couldn’t walk out. I should’ve fought you and made you stay until you told me what was wrong. If I could go back I would, and, Holden, that’s saying something because you leaving me gave me my daughter. But I still think about it—where would we be right now if I’d fought? This can’t work.”

  Holden pulled back and his angry brown eyes held me hostage. God, he was so beautiful. Mad, playful, happy—he was so good-looking it hurt to look at him. Of course, when he was mine it didn’t hurt; I could and did spend a lot of time staring at him.

  “I don’t know where we would’ve been. But I do know where we’re going. Fair warning, baby, I’m fighting.”

  “Holden—”

  “Strap in, baby, and armor up, because we’re going into battle.”

  “Wait—”

  “No more waiting. No more lying. No more pretending. No more living in hell. Fight with me, Leigh-Leigh. Fight and bleed for what is meant to be ours. No more regrets.”

  “Please—”

  Holden shook his head and stepped back.

  “I’m gonna win,” he said authoritatively and walked away.

  I didn’t call out his name. I didn’t jump off the counter to chase him down and make him see reason. No, I sat frozen with a stupid smile on my face and fear in my belly.

  20

  “You have to go, sweets.”

  Charleigh’s voice drifted up the stairs as Holden walked out of the bedroom he’d slept in last night. Actually, he hadn’t slept. He’d tossed and turned. Plotted and planned until the sun came up, then he’d showered in the en suite bathroom, the whole time wishing Charleigh was with him in the lavish, marble shower big enough for two. Part of that wishing was fantasizing about how dirty he wanted to get her before he soaped up every inch of her lush body.

  Leigh-Leigh was a fan of shower sex, hell, she was a fan of sex in general and she was good at it. Not a woman before or after compared to her. Since he’d had her last, she’d lost some weight. Weight she didn’t need to shift off and he’d do his best to help her put it back on. The woman had a body made for fucking. Thick thighs that felt so damn good to be between. Full, heavy breasts that swayed when she rode him. An ass that jiggled when he pounded it from behind. Every inch of her beautiful. Every freckle, every blemish, every mark she complained about made her the most perfect woman he’d ever seen.

  Last night, she’d retreated but she hadn’t kicked him out. And she very well could’ve. There was no longer a physical threat to her or Faith. He didn’t need to be there to protect them. Yet, she hadn’t tossed his ass out uncaring he’d promised Faith he wouldn’t leave. He had no right to Faith; Charleigh was her mom, and if she didn’t want Holden around, she would’ve made that happen. Yet, she hadn’t. But even if she had, he wouldn’t go far. He’d sleep in his SUV in the driveway if he had to.

  “But I don’t want to.” Faith’s voice pitched high on the last word and Holden frowned.

  He hadn’t been around the little girl a lot—in truth he’d made an art of avoidance—but he’d never heard her argue or even raise her voice.

  Once he hit the foyer, his gaze landed on mother and daughter standing off.

  “What’s going on?”

  Faith rushed to him, hitting him with all her weight, then wrapped her arms around his middle and held on tight.

  “I don’t want to go to school.”

  “Why not? You told me you like school.”

  “I’m not going,” she said defiantly.

  “Sweetheart, you have to go,” Charleigh tried, her face a mask of concern.

  It took more effort than Holden had anticipated to pry Faith off of him so he could kneel in front of her.

  “Why don’t you want to go to school, doll?”

  Faith shook her head.

  “Are you scared?”

  She nodded.

  “Of what?”

  That got Holden a shrug.

  “I can’t help you with what you’re afraid of if you don’t tell me.”

  Charleigh moved close to her daughter and Holden looked up as she placed her hand on Faith’s shoulder.

  Something profound slammed into him. An emotion he wasn’t ready to give over to yet. A feeling that was huge and wanted. This was what it would be like if they were a family. Holden and Charleigh bracketing Faith between them, keeping her safe. Together as a team. That right there was what he’d always wanted. It didn’t matter that Faith was not his blood, he’d still bleed for her. It didn’t matter he didn’t share DNA with the little girl, he’d still teach her and guide her. And if she allowed him to, he’d show her love and affection.

  But first, before he could execute his plan to win his family, he needed to see to Faith.

  “Faith, honey, no one’s going to hurt you.” Charleigh broke the long stretch of silence.

  “I know. Holden told me they were in jail.”

  “Then why are you scared?” Holden inquired.

  Faith’s eyes lifted to meet his. Holden held his breath to stave off the discomfort that had bloomed in his chest. Those eyes. Big, brown, puppy dog eyes that, praise be to all things holy, were not blue like Paul’s. Instead, rich and sweet and made Holden want to melt when she looked at him.

  “Honey—”

  “I don’t want you to leave,” Faith blurted out.

&nbs
p; “I’m not going to leave,” Holden assured her.

  “You’re gonna leave,” she proclaimed.

  “Doll, I’m going to go to work while you’re in school, but I’ll come back over when you get home.”

  Charleigh made what Holden was now deeming her signature disgruntled noise—a cross between a grunt and a choking sound.

  “If you go to work, then Mom will be alone.”

  Holden finally got it, and when he did, he didn’t stop the broad smile that pulled at his mouth.

  “So, you’re worried about your mom.” Holden waited for Faith to nod, then he continued. “She won’t be alone, doll, she’ll be going to work with me today.”

  “What?” Charleigh’s voice pitched much like her daughter’s had earlier and that made Holden smile bigger.

  Damn, she’s cute.

  “Jonny texted me. He needs to talk to you. I told him I’d bring you into the office with me.”

  “I have work to do,” she protested.

  Holden didn’t take his eyes off Faith because now that he’d opened himself up to the little girl he couldn’t stop looking at her. He wanted to soak up her features, he wanted to learn all of her tells, he wanted her to know she could depend on him.

  “You can use my office,” he told Charleigh.

  “I have appointments.”

  “Then after you talk to Jonny, I’ll take you to them.”

  “I don’t need a bodyguard, Holden.”

  “You’re right, but if it makes Faith feel better, you’re getting one.”

  There it was again, Charleigh humphed and Faith smiled.

  “She hasn’t had coffee yet,” Faith whispered conspiratorially.

  “Well, that explains a lot.”

  “You both remember I’m standing right here, right?” she snapped and Faith giggled.

  “Yeah, baby, there’s no way to miss the pre-coffee grumpy Charleigh.”

  Holden winked and told Faith, “You get ready for school and I’ll get your mom coffee.”

  “You promise you’ll be here after school?”

  “Promise.”

  Faith looked over her shoulder at Charleigh and nodded. “I’ll go to school.”