No. They’d catch each other.
“What if she was my only chance and I missed it?”
The question hadn’t left his mouth before Charleigh was pushing him back on his bed. She wasted no time crawling in next to him. Then she pressed close, her arm went over his chest, her leg over his thigh, and she pinned him to the bed.
“Then she grows up an only child, or we adopt, or we do IVF, or we find another option.”
Pain carved a path the length of his body. A sting so bad, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be the same. He’d missed it, he’d hurt her. Hurt them.
“My pregnancy was easy.” Charleigh’s soft voice sliced through his thoughts. “The only thing I craved was mac and cheese. I could eat it breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I went to every doctors’ appointment so excited to hear her heartbeat. I could listen to the whooshing all day. Sometimes, I’d ask to hear it a second time when the appointment was done. My water broke at seven in the morning. I was in the kitchen and I thought I peed myself.” Charleigh huffed a laugh and Holden closed his eyes. “When I got to the hospital, I was so scared. I couldn’t wait to finally meet my daughter but I was terrified of labor. I had great nurses. They knew I wanted an unmedicated birth so they—”
“Wait. What? You didn’t want drugs?”
“Nope. I wanted to experience natural childbirth. All the nurses were great but I had this one named Rebecca. She actually stayed after her shift and helped me. If it wasn’t for her coaching, I would’ve given in and taken the pain meds. She held my hand while I pushed, she encouraged me, and when I was crying that I couldn’t do it she gave me a dose of tough love. She saw me through. I even got to help deliver Faith.”
Charleigh paused again. This time when she started to giggle she didn’t stop when she said, “Rebecca was insistent I could do it. She nearly crawled in the bed behind me to prop me up so I could reach between my legs. I must’ve looked ridiculous, Rebecca had one arm hooked around my leg holding it up, her chest was to my back almost bending me in half with this huge belly in the way. But when the doctor took my hands and guided them to Faith’s body and I got to hold onto her as she came into the world, it was the most amazing experience of my life.”
“I wish I was there,” Holden whispered and fought back the wetness in his eyes.
“I wish you were, too.”
Then Charleigh snuggled closer and told Holden a story he’d never forget. He committed every detail to memory as she gave him an accounting of his daughter’s life. First tooth, when she started to crawl, walk, when she learned to draw, first day of school, all the details he should’ve known. It was exquisite pain, profound and agonizing.
And through it all, she clung to him and he hung on her every word, soaking it in, needing more.
“I want to know her.” Holden cleared the lump in his throat. “I don’t know how we tell her I’m her dad, and if you want to wait, I’ll understand, but I want…” He trailed off, not knowing how to put into words exactly what he wanted. Everything didn’t begin to scratch the surface. He wanted Faith to be the center of his universe, he wanted to be an integral part of her life, he wanted her to need him, he wanted to teach her and learn from her. He wanted to earn her forgiveness and make up for his stupidity. He needed to prove he was worthy of being her dad.
“You’re her dad, Holden, of course we’re going to tell her.”
“I want to be her dad.”
“You are,” she said softly.
“No, Leigh-Leigh, I want to be her dad. I want to be the one to…fuck.” He stopped and cleared his throat again but it was a losing battle.
The emotion consumed him.
“Jesus, fuck!” he roared and wrapped his arms around Charleigh.
He held on as tight as he could, his Leigh-Leigh, his lifeline, was the only thing stopping him from coming apart.
“I wanted her. I wanted her to be mine. You and her were all I thought about. I was dying inside, every fucking day, I was dying thinking that motherfucker was her dad. It ate me up. Why didn’t I—”
“Stop, honey. No good comes from playing that game. We can both lie here and beat ourselves up for all the mistakes we made. Or we can decide right now to put it behind us and move forward. You wanted to fight, Holden, so now we fight for what should’ve been ours. And we do that by letting go of the past because we cannot change that, grab ahold of each other and get up.”
Holden took a breath so big it expanded his chest, and he held it until his lungs protested. Then he exhaled. He did it again and again until he could finally breathe easy. Clean. She was right. There was nothing he could do to change the past—but he could give them a future.
“Let’s get up, Leigh-Leigh,” he agreed.
Before he understood she meant “get up” in a literal way, she unwrapped herself and scrambled off the bed. Once she was on her feet, she held out her hand.
“Come on. I want to introduce you to your daughter.”
Jesus God.
His daughter.
Charleigh didn’t have to ask him twice.
Holden surged off his bed and she let out a squeak when he pulled her into his arms. Her head tipped back, probably to ask him what he was doing. Holden decided to show her. One hand stayed at her hip, the other glided up her back and his fingers curled around the nape of her neck. His mouth slammed down and he said everything he needed to say with a bruising kiss. Charleigh’s hands fisted the material of his tee, and he deepened the kiss, taking it from wet and rough to wild.
This is what forgiveness tastes like.
If he wanted to be the man Faith and Charleigh deserved, he had to forgive himself. He had to live in the now. He had to purge the hatred. And he would, he’d do any-fucking-thing for his girls.
When Charleigh moaned and pressed closer, Holden knew it was time to end the kiss. Satisfaction thrummed through him when she mewed and leaned forward, chasing his lips.
“Baby,” he mumbled against her lips.
“Hm?”
“We have to get out of here,” he said through a smile.
Charleigh pressed closer still, and that felt so damn good he warned, “Time to go.”
“What’s the rush?”
Holden flexed his hips and pushed his erection against her stomach but said nothing. He figured his hard-on said it all.
A sexy, sly smile played on her lips and his cock twitched. Her smile turned wicked.
“Still don’t see what the rush is.”
“How much time we got?”
“How much do you need?”
“Days.”
“Days?” she parroted.
“Days,” he confirmed. “Baby, I got a lot to be thankful for and I plan on expressin’ that gratitude with orgasms. In other words, I’m gonna take my time reminding you how much I love you. If you wanna start that now, take your clothes off and climb that fine ass into bed. But we’re not leaving until I’m convinced you understand the depth of my appreciation, and it might take me a while before I’m certain you know how grateful I am.”
“I don’t think we have days,” she conceded.
Unfortunately, they didn’t. But he’d arrange it so they did, and he’d do that quickly because he needed to show her he was indeed grateful she’d given him a second chance. And he’d do that in a way she’d never forget.
“Then cut me some slack and let’s go.”
“Slack?”
“Leigh-Leigh,” he groaned.
“Fine. Okay. But first I want to look around.”
“Later.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, I’ve never been inside your Airstream.”
Holden sighed and took a step away from her, which was more like a shuffle considering the space was tight.
“There’s not much to see.”
Charleigh turned and she took in his home.
“Did you do all the work?” she inquired.
“Yep. When I bought her, she was a mess. I gutted it and started from an empty hull.”
Nixon, Weston, and Chasin all thought he was crazy when he purchased a beat-up old trailer. Jameson got it—he, too, liked his solitude. Though Holden didn’t buy the Airstream for the reasons his teammates thought he did. It wasn’t an escape plan and it wasn’t so he’d have a place where he could ruminate his poor life choices. Holden bought it because he needed something to occupy his time. He’d needed a project that would keep him busy and his mind off Charleigh, Paul, and their child.
It had taken years to complete the renovations. Between training, work-ups, and deployments, he was gone more than he was home. But he’d put every waking moment into creating something that was just his.
Holden looked around. He’d opted to keep the classic shiny metal walls and ceiling instead of adding coverings. He’d built the kitchen cabinets out of pine and painted them white. They were topped with black granite, and stainless steel appliances finished the modern look. Holden had even framed in the custom loveseat. Though he hired an upholsterer to fashion the cushion covers. Next to that was a slab of wood he’d found at a sawmill. He’d sanded it smooth and given it several coats of lacquer; with all the natural light the table gleamed.
“All of it?” Charleigh asked.
“Everything you see, I built.”
“It’s beautiful, Holden. I’m totally impressed. I had no idea you could do…well, this.” She motioned around the room.
Holden knew the craftsmanship was top-notch. He knew he’d put in a great deal of effort to make something he could be proud of, and he was. But right then, seeing his Leigh-Leigh smiling, he’d never been prouder.
Fuck. They had to leave.
He tagged her hand and pulled her toward the door. But before he pushed the door open, he froze and looked back at the interior of his prized Airstream. Suddenly, it just felt like an RV. He no longer needed what it once represented—he didn’t need the physical labor, he didn’t need the mind-numbing repetition of polishing the metal. He didn’t need the quiet. As a matter of fact, he wanted noise. He wanted to hear Faith’s laughter. He wanted to hear Charleigh in the kitchen. He wanted Barbies and coloring books. He wanted mess and chaos.
“You all right?”
“Never better, baby.”
Leigh-Leigh tilted her head and she smiled.
Holden returned it.
Then he pushed open the door and they went to pick up their daughter.
31
It’s a strange and miraculous thing, the way a child’s mind works.
When we got to Macy and Alec’s, Faith was no worse for the wear. She and Rory were playing and she barely greeted me when I entered the house. After the way she’d been swept away that morning, I was concerned she would be upset. But no.
After the girls had retreated to Rory’s room and were out of earshot, an uncomfortable silence fell over the four of us until Holden smiled and addressed the five-hundred-pound elephant that had been crushing my lungs by announcing, “I’m a dad.”
He did this proudly and quietly so the kids wouldn’t hear.
Alec’s reaction was immediate and it was so sweet I was taken aback. “Welcome to the best job in the world.”
Holden’s eyes cut to me and his smile said everything. He was happy—truly happy.
I, on the other hand, was terrified—ecstatic but terrified.
Now we had to find a way to tell Faith that the man I’d told her was her father wasn’t and that my ex-boyfriend who happened to be the love of my life was actually her dad. Then I’d have to answer some uncomfortable questions. The uncomfortably of those questions remained to be seen. Thank the good Lord, Faith didn’t know the nitty-gritty of baby-making but she knew just enough to make me dread her inquiries.
“Rhode’s out back on a call,” Alec weirdly said and jerked his head to the side door. “He wants to talk to you before he heads out.”
“Be back,” Holden muttered, and kissed the top of my head before he followed Alec.
I waited until they were outside to ask Macy, “Was that guy-code for we need to talk without the women?”
“Yep. So totally not obvious.” She rolled her eyes. “You doing okay?”
“Yes and no. I’m…overwhelmed. And thank you for taking care of Faith for me. I appreciate it.”
“Alec and I know better than most how hard it is to juggle kids and drama.”
I appreciated Macy’s attempt to lighten the mood. What had happened to her and Alec was more than your average everyday drama. Macy had been beaten up, and later, Rory’s father had taken her without Macy’s permission. Then the little girl watched her Uncle Jonny shoot and kill her father after she watched her grandfather die. Faith’s kidnapping notwithstanding, what was happening to me and Holden paled in comparison.
We were both alive, healthy, and we could change our circumstances. Faith would get to know her dad.
“What’s the ‘no’ part?” Macy asked.
“I’m scared.”
“Of what? Alec told me the story. He wasn’t on Holden’s team, obviously you know that, so he doesn’t know all the details. But from what he said, Holden never stopped loving you.”
“It’s weird because last week I was worried about Holden and me. You know, worried we wouldn’t be able to overcome the past. But now, it’s hard to explain, but I know we’re gonna make it. And it has nothing to do with Paul’s letter because I felt that before we found out Holden was her dad.”
“All of that sounds good so I don’t understand what you’re scared of.”
It didn’t surprise me Macy was confused. Hell, I was confused. I didn’t know how to articulate what I was feeling.
“I’m so bloody angry I could scream. I want to scream. I want Bea and Patty to rot in jail for what they did to Faith. Not just kidnapping her, but keeping her from Holden. I want to slap the shit out of my mother for being such a wretched bitch. I want to do more than tell my dad off for being a worthless father and spineless piece of shit. I’m their daughter. Forget Faith and Holden—me. I’m their only child and they lied to me. They purposefully hurt me. I’m so scared of the hate I feel.”
“Ah.” Macy nodded once. “I understand, and all I can tell you is in time, it fades.”
“How?”
“Every day the anger fades. Every morning when you wake up next to the man you love, it dwindles a little. Every time you see Faith smile, it will retreat. When you see her happy and thriving it goes away more. There will be hundreds of small things, inconsequential things that make the anger and pain diminish. Even after what happened to us, I knew that I’d stop hating Doug. He hurt my kids, he hurt me, he hurt his brother, he killed his father. I hated him and he was dead and I felt cheated that I didn’t get to tell him how much I despised him. But every day, I wake up and remember how blessed I am. I have Rory and Caleb, and Joss and Alec. I have wonderful friends, a nice home, a safe place for my kids. I’m loved, they’re loved, and I think to myself I have it all. And when you are loved so completely, there is no room for hate. Give it time, Charleigh; it fades, and before you know it, it’s gone.”
That sounded like sound advice. It’d give it time and hope Macy was right.
“Thanks.”
Macy smiled and said, “Now tell me, how happy is Holden now that he’s a daddy?”
Now that made me smile.
Holden was a daddy.
“Over the moon comes to mind.”
So did betrayed, sad, and regretful. But we weren’t dwelling on the past so I let those thoughts flee and concentrated on our blessings.
And there were many.
Holden stood in Alec’s backyard. Winter had not left and there was a chill in the air, but that was not why his body trembled.
He was pissed.
Rhode had just finished filling him in on the details Charleigh had left out about her parents’ part in keeping him from his daughter, from Leigh-Leigh.
“I want them to go down,” Holden grounded out through gritted teeth.
“Not sure you can d
o that without blowback. Edward isn’t stupid. Charleigh may’ve told the asshole off, but he knows his daughter doesn’t have the means to take him on. So he’ll know it was you.”
Holden thought on that a moment, then he decided he didn’t give the first fuck. Actually, he liked that Edward would know it was Holden—a man who Edward had deemed beneath him—was responsible for his fall.
“I don’t want his business touched. When I’m done, I want them to be just as wealthy as they are right now. But I want their reputations dragged through the mud. I want them left with no friends, no country club, no dinner parties to attend, no afternoon tea. I want those two to feel betrayed by the people they thought were their friends. I want them to be the outcasts. The pariahs. I want everyone to know they’re shit parents. I want them to sit in that big-ass house of theirs and know what it’s like to be lonely.”
Rhode jerked his chin in acknowledgment.
“I’ll dig up what I can. But I’m leaving on a job tomorrow.”
“You going out with Takeback?” Alec asked.
“Yeah. We got confirmation this morning from the feds they’re ready to move in. Three girls, twelve, nine, and five.”
Sweet Jesus.
Holden couldn’t let that penetrate or he’d go ballistic.
“They offered to take me on full-time,” Rhode continued. “Which means I’ll be on the road more than I am now.”
“Wilson still there?” Alec inquired.
“Yeah. I don’t know him but he seems solid. He coordinates our jobs with the marshal’s office.”
“He is solid,” Alec confirmed. “I worked with him at DHS.”
“Good to know.”
As much as Holden enjoyed shooting the shit with his friends, he wanted to take Leigh-Leigh and Faith home and spend some time alone with his girls. He was under no illusion they would tell Faith he was her dad tonight—that could wait until the time was right. But he would be having a conversation about changing Faith’s last name. And while they were at it, Charleigh’s as well.
“Did someone think to remove that box from the house?” Holden looked at Rhode.
Holden's Resurrection (Gemini Group Book 6) Page 25
