Elizabella and the Great Tuckshop Takeover

by Zoe Norton Lodge

  “That sounds fun!”

  “One day I’ll show you how to make them and how to watch the moon.”

  While Elizabella loved that idea, it wasn’t really helping her to come up with a plan to save Bilby Creek Primary School. This was going to take some work.

  That night, Elizabella was in the kitchen, looking in the fridge. She’d already eaten dinner (roast beef and carrots), dessert (vanilla ice cream) and second dessert (a cup of custard with a spoon of chocolate spread in it, adorned with a slice of apple for health), but she found that looking in the fridge was one of the best ways to think, and she was trying to come up with a plan to get Miss Duck back to Bilby Creek Primary.

  “Maybe Miss Duck could dress up as a Nutriicorp lady and go back to work at the tuckshop?” Elizabella was thinking out loud.

  “No, that’s ridiculous . . .”

  Larry the Lizard sat on the bench staring at her, pleading with her with his eyes. “Elizabella,” he said in Lizish.

  Elizabella turned to him. She hadn’t recognised her own name, of course, but she sensed he was trying to get her attention.

  Larry thought he would try again. This time slower. “Eeeeeliiiiizaaaaabaaaaaellaaaaa,” he said. “Iiii aaaam tryyyyiiiinng tooo speeeeeak toooo yooooooou.”

  “Goodness,” Elizabella said. “Was that a burp?”

  Toddberry glanced up from where he’d been sitting at the table, buried in his own hair curtains.

  “I think he’s trying to say your name,” Toddberry said.

  Larry looked at Toddberry. Could he possibly be trying to help his lizard friend after all this torment? “Toddberry, if you can hear me right now, say ‘parasol’.”

  “Sausage roll?” said Toddberry.

  “What was that?” asked Elizabella.

  “Is there a sausage roll in that fridge?”

  Elizabella searched and found one. She pulled it out and put it on a plate for her brother.

  “I said parasol!” Larry croaked. “Did you mishear me or did you coincidentally say something that rhymed with parasol? Toddberry? TODDBERRY?”

  Larry was about to lose it with frustration.

  Toddberry ate the sausage roll contentedly. He hadn’t realised he wanted third dessert in the form of a sausage roll, but here he was.

  By the end of all the desserts, Elizabella was no closer to finding a way to get Miss Duck back.

  Mr Gobblefrump sat on a little stool at the dresser in his bedroom at home staring in the mirror. On his lap was a little pistachio-coloured sateen studded cushion, and atop that was his toupee, which he stroked like a cat as he pondered his conundrum. He was so engrossed in thought he barely noticed his actual cat Pemberley pawing at his feet wanting a pat of his own. Of course the funding injection the school had received from the new relationship with Nutriicorp was nothing to sniff at – however, the cost was great. Mr Gobblefrump was a proud Bilby Creek citizen and he was worried that the children were becoming so obsessed with Nutriicorp that they were forgetting who they were, and forgetting all about Bilby Creek Primary and its rich history.

  “But what to do?”

  He asked his reflection in the mirror. The mirror didn’t respond.

  “What do you think?” he tried again, staring down at the toupee on his lap.

  Now it could have been a breeze coming through the open window, but just as he asked the question, the toupee blew off his lap, straight onto a bookcase, where it knocked a book of love poems off the shelf and onto the floor, which landed, pages akimbo, and released the stub of a ticket to the Bilby Creek Community Choir’s latest concert that had been serving as a bookmark.

  Mr Gobblefrump stared at it.

  “By George . . .” he said as the idea came to him. “A song! I will write a song about the history of Bilby Creek Primary, and it shall become the school song!”

  Bilby Creek Primary had never had a school song. It was something Mr Gobblefrump had thought wasn’t all that important, yet now in the strange new era of Nutriicorp, it seemed like a brilliant way to get the school spirit back.

  He rushed to the toupee, picked it up and gave it a kiss.

  “What a brilliant idea, Mr Toupee!”

  Mr Gobblefrump spent the rest of the evening tucked away in his home office gathering inspiration for the school song. He had gone through all the yearbooks and newsletters, and of course all the many iterations of the Bilby Creek Primary School Rule Book that he had himself composed. He’d listened to hours of his favourite musicals for inspiration and after consuming about eleven kilograms of chocolate and crying thrice (common practice for a writer) he had come up with absolutely nothing. So he went to sleep. And through the night he was overcome with an idea so ingenious, so inspirational. In fact, it was the exact same idea that so many of the world’s most brilliant minds had come to before him.

  I shall outsource the problem!

  The Monday morning bell went and Mr Gobblefrump marched to the front of the assembly, ready to make his big announcement.

  Elizabella was standing in her class line and, like all the other children, she was nervous about what Mr Gobblefrump was going to say. He hadn’t exactly been the bearer of great news lately.

  As Mr Gobblefrump was about to start speaking a message came over the new loudspeakers: “This assembly is brought to you by Nutriicorp. Remember, there’s no education without Nutriicorpication.”

  Mr Gobblefrump began through gritted teeth and his new Nutriicorp-branded megaphone, “There have been a lot of changes around here lately, however, it’s important that we always remember where we’ve come from. I have decided that it is high time we celebrate our school and its rich and dynamic history. Which is why I am opening a competition to write the Bilby Creek Primary School Song!”

  “A song!?” Excited whispers and chatters began to rumble through the assembly.

  “Any student can submit suggestions for the song by writing them down on paper and sticking them in the dedicated Song Suggestions Box outside my door,” Mr Gobblefrump continued. “Feel free to send through an idea, or a line or two, a whole verse, or a chorus.”

  Minnie nudged Elizabella, the most prolific writer in the whole of Bilby Creek Primary. Piece of cake, Elizabella thought.

  “The kangaroo is both a marsupial and a macropod. Who can tell me what a macropod is?”

  Miss Carrol looked around the class, but they were all distracted. The school song competition was on everyone’s minds. It seemed Bilby Creek Primary fever was taking over from Nutriicorp fever, at least for the time being. The students had raided the library for books and brochures and they jumped on the computers to research online, trying to absorb all the information they could about the history of Bilby Creek Primary School.

  Miss Carrol waited for a response to her question. Nothing.

  “Anyone?” she tried again.

  “Did you know that Bilby Creek Primary was the first school in the greater Gumnut district to get bubblers?” Sandy said to Miss Carrol.

  “No, I did not. Can you tell me what a macropod is, please?” she replied, trying once more.

  “It’s a type of marsupial with large feet. Macro meaning large, pod meaning feet,” said Minnie. The class turned around and stared at her. Minnie’s brain was always full of facts, even if her head was still covered in a silly padlocked hat. She had no plans to take it off until the whole school had been officially nit-free for a month.

  “Well done, Minnie,” said Miss Carrol. “Now, who can–”

  “Speaking of feet!” Huck cut her off and lifted his head up from a pamphlet he’d been buried in. “In the 1970s a podiatrist visited Bilby Creek Primary once a year and so all the children could have their feet checked for free!”

  Miss Carrol realised she’d have to try a different tack if she was going to get her students to learn something today.

  “Okay,” she said. “Who can tell me what was here before it was a school?”

  Suddenly all the children clamped their e
yes on her, awaiting her answer.

  “Well,” she began, “Bilby Creek was home to a colony of macropods. Kangaroos, in fact.”

  “Then how come it’s called Bilby Creek, not Kangaroo Creek?” asked Daphne.

  “That’s a good question. Some people think that the explorer who came here and named everything, Darren Darrenson, wasn’t paying enough attention in his lesson about macropods before his voyage and when he saw kangaroos hopping about he thought they were giant bilbies, and that’s why he named it Bilby Creek. And that’s why it’s important to pay attention in class.”

  “Hey, is there even a creek in Bilby Creek?” asked Sandy.

  “No, there isn’t,” said Miss Carrol. “That was Darren Darrenson again. It’s a widely held belief that he lost his spectacles on his expedition and didn’t realise that his Scottie dog DD Jr had climbed up a small hill and urinated. Not being able to see properly, Darren Darrenson interpreted the liquid streaming down the hill as a creek, when in fact it was dog wee. And there you have it: Bilby Creek.”

  The children looked at her, stunned. It was going to be hard to work that particular Bilby Creek fact into an inspiring song lyric.

  At lunchtime Elizabella was standing in the handball court bouncing her tennis ball up and down, surveying the scene.

  “Elizabella, how many school songs have you written so far?” asked Huck.

  “I bet she’s written fifty by now at least,” said Sandy.

  Along with Ava and Evie, Huck and Sandy were sitting on the ground, paper and pen in hand, furiously scribbling down lyrics. They weren’t alone. All over the playground, kids were writing down thoughts and phrases and verses and rhymes, trying to think of things to contribute to the school song. Any other time Elizabella would have filled a hundred notebooks with a thousand versions of the school song by now, but she was too distracted by Nutriicorp to even think about it.

  Elizabella looked over at the tuckshop. For the first time since Nutriicorp opened its doors it seemed that there wasn’t a thick fog of children queued up out the front to get in. Instead, Elizabella could see two Nutriicorp people at the doors. They didn’t seem to have those big corporate smiles on their faces anymore. Instead, Elizabella swore she could see a glint of fear in their eyes.

  Suddenly Daphne started skipping through the playground, singing.

  “Bilby Creek, Bilby Creek, Bil-by CREEK Our school is perfect, it doesn’t need a tweak In the library you don’t hear a squeak Our trees are the best for hide-and-seek.”

  Wow, thought Elizabella. That’s actually not half bad. She turned back to the tuckshop. Now the Nutriicorp people had actual scowls on their faces. She thought she saw a little spark and a tiny bit of smoke coming out of the top of the head of one of the men’s heads.

  That afternoon, Mr Gobblefrump went to the box for submissions to the Bilby Creek Primary School Song that he’d left by his door. It was bursting open. He put it on his desk and began to read.

  The school was built a hundred years ago

  The uniform then included a chapeau

  That’s how you say hat in French

  And if you’re not wearing one you must sit on the bench

  It was an entry from Irma in Year Five and her best friend Frederika. Excellent! he thought, particularly enamoured with Irma’s incorporation of an official Bilby Creek Primary School Rule in her verse.

  Say Hooroo to a Kangaroo

  They were at Bilby Creek way before you

  A fact, a fact indeed! Mr Gobblefrump thought to himself as he read Sandy’s contribution. He read another verse.

  The chefs at L’Escargot Bilby

  Studied at Bilby Creek Primary

  So did the Mayor, her name’s Ms Chi

  She was once the president of our SRC

  “Bravo!” said Mr Gobblefrump. “How wonderful that we might honour notable citizens of Bilby Creek in this song!”

  Bilby Creek was stuck in a time warp

  Until the arrival of Nutriicorp

  Nutriicorp has saved the school

  Nutriicorp, Nutriicorp, Nutriicorp is cool!

  Huwhaaa? Mr Gobblefrump examined the handwriting of this entry. It appeared decidedly adult . . . Could the Nutriicorp people have tried to sneak an illegal entry into the song suggestions box, which was solely for the children?

  In the evening, Elizabella went down to the end of her garden and spoke to Huck over their shared fence. Their parents were on yet another date. When they had first got together, Leanne and Martin had assured Huck and Elizabella that they had no idea what the future held, however as time passed, and the dates continued with increasing regularity, both Huck and Elizabella began to suspect that this might be turning into something serious. Tonight they were going to scope out the grounds of the Bilby Creek Christmas Fair, which would be happening at the end of the year.

  “Sounds like a pretty boring date to me,” said Huck.

  “I know it sounds boring at first, but I’m afraid it might actually be really romantic,” said Elizabella, gravely.

  “How come?” asked Huck. “Walking around a field full of scaffolding? I’d rather watch dog wee slowly evaporate in the sun.”

  “Think about it, Huck!” cried Elizabella. “They’ll see all that empty space and use their imaginations. ‘Oh, look, a Ferris wheel will go there, and we can sit in it together and hold hands!’ and then ‘Yes! Over there we’ll buy a kebab and eat it together from each end like Lady and the Tramp when the dogs eat the same piece of spaghetti from either end but with a kebab instead of spaghetti!’

  “Gross!” said Huck. “Then they’ll have a food fight, which will end up in . . .”

  “KISSING!” they both said at the same time before proceeding to make matching gagging noises over the fence.

  Just then Elizabella realised that for once she wasn’t thinking about her squashed-down Feelings for Huck. But no sooner had she thought it than she started thinking about going to the empty fairground with Huck and how much fun the two of them would have . . .

  Huck’s mind was doing the same thing.

  A silence fell between them.

  Huck quickly broke it, so that neither of them had to think about that Thing they were ignoring.

  “Elizabella, have you submitted an entry to the school song competition? Everyone is waiting to see what you’ll do!”

  “Not yet,” said Elizabella. Even though she was the most prolific writer at Bilby Creek Primary, she had been so distracted by Nutriicorp that she still hadn’t put her mind to it.

  It was late Sunday morning and Elizabella was having a long and lazy breakfast with her dad, Toddberry and Larry the Lizard. Elizabella had a fried egg on a piece of toast and was drawing on it using a tomato sauce bottle as a sort of pen. Toddberry had a banana in one hand while playing Fierce Frogs IV on his gaming console with the other. He’d been trying to defeat a particular villain since the previous term. Martin was reading the Bilby Creek Culture Guide to get inspiration for his next date with Leanne. There was a lot going on in town: the Lantana Maze, the Search for Bilby Creek’s Grottiest Dog and the crowning of the town’s Largest Mailbox (which was really just a phone box that the postman sometimes slept in when he had a long shift). Larry was sitting on the table next to Martin as a treat. He was eating a lettuce leaf and reading along with Martin, but of course no one knew that.

  “I’m so proud of you, my little entrepreneur,” said Martin, looking up from the Bilby Creek Culture Guide. “Thanks to you and Miss Duck, everyone at the Shelter for Bilby Creek Citizens in Need is eating like a princess!”

  The feast had been a massive success. Everyone had had the best time and they’d slept with full bellies and hearts. Miss Duck hadn’t felt this good since she was serving the children at Bilby Creek Primary and if she couldn’t do that anymore, why not continue to put her culinary output to good use? It was decided that twice a week she would cook up a feast and bring it to the shelter. Martin was thrilled. Miss Duck was thrilled as we
ll, although it didn’t quite go all the way to plugging the gap in her heart that had opened up when she was forced out of Bilby Creek Primary, putting an end to the Duck Tuckshop Dynasty.

  “Thanks, Dad,” said Elizabella. “Now all I have to do is figure out how to get rid of Nutriicorp and bring Miss Duck back to the tuckshop and everything will be good.”

  Suddenly Larry started to croak. He’d been reading about new food trends in the Culture Guide over Martin’s shoulder and he’d had an idea.

  “What if Miss Duck cooked up something really, really special? A culinary masterpiece, the likes of which the world had never seen before?” he said in Lizish.

  “Hey,” said Toddberry. “I have an idea about how you can get Miss Duck back to the school.”

  “What is it?” said Elizabella.

  Larry started to pound all his legs on the table at once, leaping up and down.

  “Maybe she could–” Toddberry began.

  Larry ran at Toddberry. “Toddberry! I know you can understand me and you shall not take credit for another one of my genius ideas!”

  He jumped up onto Toddberry’s head, clinging to the hair curtains and wrapping his lizard legs around Toddberry’s mouth so he couldn’t talk.

  Martin and Elizabella laughed.

  “Larry!” said Elizabella. “I know Toddberry is annoying, but jeez!”

  It was unclear exactly what Toddberry and Larry’s relationship was. One thing was certain though, if they could learn to get along with each other and communicate a little better they’d probably become the most iconic duo in the entire world. Alas, that wasn’t meant to be. For now, at least.

  But in the middle of everything, an idea had come to Elizabella. Possibly from Larry, possibly from her brother, maybe a bit from her own brain. The thing is, nobody really knows where ideas come from exactly.

  What if Miss Duck makes the biggest pikelet in the world? That would put Bilby Creek on the map and Mr Gobblefrump would have to think about taking her back! Then all she would need to do is work out how to make the tuckshop turn a giant profit like Nutriicorp does . . .