Then She Roars

by Vanessa Evetts

  I leant into his touch, inhaled profoundly, drew on every cent of courage I had banked and applied pressure, then lowered my hands. “Sandy’s not here.”

  “Okay, Doc. Do you have any advice about her?”

  “The woman of your dreams?” I repeated, feeding on the forbidden fruit until the dream crusher in my head told me to stop being so bloody heartless. Heartless! Can you believe it?

  “Precisely. Any advice?”

  “I think you should listen to her.”

  “What might she be trying to say?” he asked.

  “That maybe there’s a good reason for her keeping her distance; maybe your instincts are right on point. Or maybe they’re not,” I added to keep it professional because, of course, I didn’t know this awesome Sandy chick.

  “I don’t think I can. She’s the one that I want … she is the one I want.” He sang the adjusted lyric with no hesitation.

  I lowered my head and listened to the cry of my heart. Just let him love you.

  “It’s crazy, Doc. We’ve spent less than an hour together if I add up the times over a two-month period, all of which have been coincidental, but I can’t seem to shake this insatiable desire to be in her presence,” he admitted.

  Suddenly, I was Sandy at the park, doing cartwheels and staring into the eyes of the man of my dreams and those chills were electrifying me all over again.

  “Harry …” I pleaded, but when he took a step towards me, I didn’t have the strength to stop him. He slid his hands over my shoulders, lowered his face in slow motion and I fell whole-heartedly into the chasm.

  I lost myself in him, in his hungry lips, in his strong arms as they drew me further into the fantasy. My whole body warmed with home. This was everything I’d ever wanted – the promise of passionate love, of family, of a life I …

  May never have. An uncontrollable sadness wove its way through every room, every memory, every dream and consumed the light. I inhaled a shaky breath and pulled away.

  “I can’t,” I whispered. “I want to, but I can’t.”

  Harry watched me, the tussle of emotion on my face, the retreat behind my walls where rebel hormones had no influence or hope of escape.

  When the storm inside me stilled, Harry lifted my hand to his lips, before returning it to my side. “This has been very helpful, Doctor. Thank you for your time.”

  “It sounds as though Sandy might be in the middle of a battle, and despite the undeniable connection between you, maybe it’s something she needs to deal with on her own.”

  “Or, she could relinquish a little bit of control and let someone walk beside her – even love her. Someone who would willingly share the load.”

  He didn’t wait for a reply, nor did I have one. I watched him leave, deafened by the Oscar-worthy brawl happening inside of me. I had no idea who was going to win – good or evil, head or heart, sanity or flesh ... but I sure as hell knew which part I wanted to win. I slid off my heels just in case there was a desperate high-speed chase on the cards.

  “So, how was it?” Sally asked from the door, and the joy, the fantasy, the sadness, the anger all boiled down into an arrow tip aimed at her, my best friend.

  “What the hell was that, Sally? Was I not clear when I told you to leave it? When I told you I refused to get involved with a man whose life I’d end up destroying?”

  “Ave … I—”

  “Was I speaking in bloody Japanese?” My voice was ragged and mean and full of vicious accusation.

  Sally’s face blazed with shock. “I’m sorry, Avery, I didn’t think—”

  “No, you didn’t think. That’s exactly the problem. You didn’t think for one second how hard that was going to be on me!” I gathered my jacket, shoes and bag and stormed past her. I slammed my palm into the elevator button, Armageddon looming.

  When Sally’s tearful voice rang out behind me, frustration seeped out of my mouth in an undignified blast of aggression. I gave up on the lift, swung the stair door wide and took the stairs two at a time.

  18

  Fury and heartbreak drove me home – autopilot with a death wish. Despite the lashing I gave her, I wasn’t even mad at Sally. I understood her interference came from a place of love. It was me. I was furious at the world, at this body, this disease, my weakness with Harry and the decision I’d made not to allow myself to love him. I was completely alone, abandoned on a battlefield facing a beast that was intent on destroying me, and all I had was sheer determination to survive.

  What kind of idiot does that make me? Why was I so bloody determined to deny myself the pleasure of having someone love me through this?

  They say love conquers all, don’t they? Even death?

  I changed my clothes, grabbed my iPod, slammed my front door and started running. I didn’t stop until I was so physically and emotionally exhausted, I collapsed onto my bed and slept for 12 hours straight.

  At 4.30am, I rose from my slumber and climbed into a steaming hot bath with my cell to my ear.

  “Hey, sis. What are you doing calling at this hour?”

  “Isn’t it the perfect time for you?” I raised the phone to look at my world clock.

  “Yeah, but it’s the middle of the night for you. You should be asleep.”

  I could hear the concern in his voice. “It’s all good, Coop. I slept for 12 hours. I’m in the bath.”

  “Nice. How did the tests go?”

  “Not sure. I’ve got my appointment with Dr Franklin and my new oncologist this morning.”

  “How have you been feeling? When I called, Sally said you’d had a rough weekend.”

  “Yeah, they’re not confident the chemo is doing what it should. It looks like I might have to add another treatment.”

  “Taxol? The side effects are pretty rough.”

  “I’m not sure, Coop – I’ll find out more this morning. Let’s not borrow trouble, eh?”

  “Can you call me tomorrow … fill me in?”

  “Of course.”

  “How's the lioness?” he asked.

  “Exhausted. She’s been sleeping on the job. She nearly let me wear trackpants to work yesterday.” I smiled, even though the battle was a real one.

  “Have you roared lately?”

  I laughed.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. I just love how well you know me, despite the distance and passing years since we saw each other.”

  “We see each other all the time.”

  “Skype doesn’t count.”

  “Well, have you?”

  “No,” I answered. Maybe that's it.

  “She’s your strength, sis – your courage. Don’t silence her. Give her free rein … a voice. She’ll fight when you can’t.”

  His words reverberated through every cell, an echo, waking her up from her slumber. He was right. I had silenced my strength.

  “Hang on a sec.” I hit speaker, put the phone down, slid under the water and let rip, fierce abandon breaking through the surface.

  “Feel better?”

  “Much,” I answered as I lathered up my legs and picked up the razor.

  “So, what are you wearing to the appointment?” he asked, acting as though my clothing choices mattered to him. “The red soles?”

  “Damn straight.”

  “That's my girl.”

  Later that afternoon when Dr Franklin’s expression changed, I drew on Cooper’s words and pictured her: poised, her face raised to the sun, prepared to face the threat head on.

  “This is not the time to lose hope, Avery. We’re still in the early stages.”

  I was grateful he’d stepped in to give me the news himself, instead of a stranger. I nodded, even though my nails were digging into my palms, even though I was feeling nauseous as he described possible side effects, even though my heart was attempting to escape my chest cavity by force – I held firm and I focused on the savannah, preparing for a battle of epic proportions.

  Dr Franklin was talking. I was watching his lips. I leant
in trying to catch his words, but all I could hear was the roaring in my ears. I was a lioness … I was the victor. Cancer would not feed on me.

  When he walked towards the door, I stood to follow him thinking I was meant to, but he held his hand up to stop me, then closed the door behind him.

  I heard it then, first as a rumbling, then a fearsome roar. I couldn’t stop it as it rolled out of me in waves. I was in the savannah standing on a rock, my face tilted to the sky, a roar on my lips, and I was in the dirt, cowering, broken and bruised, an equally menacing sound on my lips. I was both: strong and weak.

  Shit.

  Dr Franklin returned with a woman I didn’t know, offered a brief introduction, then left.

  She watched me, then sat and lifted my hand into hers.

  An overwhelming grief followed. I had no choice but to embrace it.

  “It’s okay. Let yourself feel it,” she whispered.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  She shook her head and offered me tissues. “You don’t need to be sorry, Avery. This is a lot to get your head around.”

  I held the tissues to my face until I felt strong enough to continue with the appointment, then raised my eyes to hers.

  “Thank you.”

  “You feel better?” she asked.

  “A little, yeah.”

  “It’s amazing what a wee bit of a roar and a cry can do, isn’t it?”

  I smiled.

  “You ready to talk for a bit?”

  I nodded.

  “As Dr Franklin said, I’m Suzanna Privit, I’m one of the oncology specialists. As you know, Dr Champion has gone on sabbatical, which means I have the pleasure of being your oncologist from here on out. You ready to kick cancer’s arse?”

  I couldn’t help but smile.

  Half an hour later, I had all the information I needed about the new treatment regime. It was exactly what Cooper suspected.

  “Dr Franklin told me you’re intent on doing this on your own – is this true?”

  “I don’t have any family other than my brother.”

  “Who lives in Kenya?”

  “He’s coming home for a visit soon but won’t be able to stay long.”

  “That’s great, but you’re going to need a larger support base. Avery, you cannot do this on your own – I cannot stress the importance of this enough.”

  “My best friend, Sally, knows. She looked after me on the weekend.”

  “Do you have anyone that could come and stay with you for a while?”

  “I don’t know – I’ll have to think about it.”

  “Avery, this is really important. This treatment plan is aggressive – you need to be prepared.”

  “I understand.”

  “You may need to think about taking some time off work too.”

  “I can’t do that,” I answered definitively, thinking of Stuart and Jaz, Ingrid, Georgia and baby Ralph, and Abi … most of all, Abi. “My clients need me.”

  “You need you.”

  “Yeah, but I’m not going to lose my marriage or my child, or harm myself if I don’t turn up at an appointment. They rely on me.”

  “Avery, if you don’t take this seriously, you might lose your own life. How much help do you think you’ll be to them then?”

  “That's harsh, Dr Privit.”

  “I’m not here to lie to you, Avery. I’m here to help you beat this. You’re a fighter, I could hear it in that war cry, and I can see it in your eyes. I don’t give a damn about statistics or worst-case scenarios. I’ll fight alongside you until we beat this, or you die trying.”

  I bit the inside of my lip to prevent another onslaught of tears.

  “This is going to be the hardest season of your life – a long one. I need your commitment that you’ll do everything in your power to survive. That includes making changes, and it means putting your needs above everyone else’s.”

  I locked my gaze on hers. How could I say no? How could I argue when she was asking me – imploring me – to choose life? To choose me?

  “I will.”

  “Good. That fire in your eyes tells me we’re going to make a good team.”

  “So, what now?” I asked.

  “Well, unlike me, you get to go home. We’ll have everything ready for you next week.”

  “Can I keep to my old schedule? On Monday with the girls?”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  “They’ve become really important to me.”

  Suzanna nodded. “I’d heard you guys have a good thing going on. Thomas raves about your antics. They call you Hollywood, right?”

  I laughed. “Yeah, they do. Did he tell you he proposed to Annie the other week?”

  “Did he just? I’ll have to have him on about that.”

  “It made her day, even if it was just about the application of bright red nail polish. He’s really special.”

  “That he is. I’ll sort out the schedule for you. Do you have any more questions?”

  “Not off the top of my head. I’m sure once the shock wears off, I’ll have some.”

  “That’s normal.” She reached into her pocket and handed me a card. “Here are my contact details. If you have any questions or you have a bad turn like you did in the weekend, you call me. Here’s another one for Sally.”

  I smiled. “Thank you for being so real with me. That was exactly what I needed.”

  “My pleasure, Avery. That’s my job, but please just call me Suzanna. We’re going to be spending a fair bit of time together.”

  She moved to usher me out of the office, then hesitated.

  “Is there something else?” I asked.

  “Don’t hold back, Avery.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, this is it. This is your chance to live the life you want. You’re going to need to fight, but you also need to choose to live. To feel joy. To chase after the things that make you feel alive. Now more than ever.”

  I tasted salt on my lips before I knew I was crying. “I don’t want people to get hurt … if I … die.”

  “I get it, but right now, you’re allowed to be selfish. Don’t waste time worrying about what might or might not happen. Take advantage of every moment, of every opportunity. Life is short – make it memorable.”

  I had one thought, and one thought only.

  “You have four days until your next treatment and no guarantees after that. Go have some fun.”

  “Doctor's orders?” I asked, hopeful.

  “Damn straight, girl. Now shoo!” She waved me out of the room with haste.

  “Did you just shoo me?” I asked with feigned shock.

  “Sure did. Four days, girl – don’t waste them.”

  I don’t plan on it.

  19

  I spotted him before I’d decided to take the doctor’s orders seriously. Who was I kidding? The minute Suzanna told me to stop holding back, Harry was firmly standing in the forefront of my mind … shirtless, sweaty … and now, as if summoned by some supernatural force, he was standing before me … in the flesh. Well, not standing exactly. He was running – running before me … some could say running away from me. But hell, I’ll take it.

  I reached down to slide my feet out of my heels and into my flats, which had a permanent home in my handbag. Then with sexy heels in hand, I launched off the start line.

  I stopped shy of yelling his name desperately from behind. Oh Harry, Harry! Desperate lady calling. Nope, not my style. I’d just chase him down instead. So much for playing it cool. A button popped open on my blouse in response to my heaving chest. I tried to fix it one-handed to no avail. I looked down to check the level of indecency and then decided it might help my cause.

  He was slowing down. Yes! That’ll teach him. I kicked it up a notch and sped past him. “Eat my dust!” I yelled over my shoulder.

  “Hey, I’ve already done ten kilometres.”

  I laughed. Why I was running after having got his attention, I may never know, but there
was nothing wrong with the idea of him chasing me. I sensed his presence advancing as I rounded the first corner and twisted around to tease him, but before the words came out, I slipped and, for the second time in a week, was plummeting to the ground at his feet. In true princely style, he arrived just in time to catch me before I hit the ground.

  “Lois Lane, eat your heart out,” I said as we came to a tangled stop on the grass beside the path. I was panting as if I’d just run a marathon.

  “Does that make me Superman?” he answered, manoeuvring to make me more comfortable.

  I closed my eyes, inhaling long deep breaths and tucked myself into his arms.

  “Seems to fit.”

  “I do seem to arrive in the nick of time, don’t I?”

  I turned my head around on his shoulder and looked at him. “I should thank you.”

  “How exactly?”

  I could think of so many ways.

  I raised a hand to his chest, then reached up to press a feather-light kiss to his cheek.

  Are you sure you want to do this? One look at his expression confirmed this was exactly what I wanted to do.

  You shut up and give me some peace. Not holding back is doctor’s orders, remember?

  But … I raised my invisible hand and told fear to zip its damn mouth. I scowled. Not just the me in my head – the actual me – on my actual face, which was pressed against one sexy man’s chest.

  “You having a heated argument with yourself again?” Harry asked.

  I smiled when his breath warmed my cheeks. “Why does this feel so right … and so wrong at the same time?”

  “Can we just focus on the right part?” He brushed his fingers through my hair.

  I inhaled.

  “You were right yesterday,” I admitted.

  “Oh yeah? Which part?”

  “I do know your scent. If I’m being honest, I’m tortured by it.”

  His laugh reverberated through his body and mine. “I like that. It means I’m not alone in this. I’ll tell you something for free – I’ve never run so much in my life.”

  “Is that so? I’d assumed you were a fitness freak.”

  He shook his head. “I’ll admit I’ve enjoyed the extra exercise, but I’m too busy with work to become a fanatic.”