A Cowboy State of Mind

by Jennie Marts

  “What? Why?” He blinked, and his brain felt dizzy as he tried to process what she’d just said. How could he not have known?

  “Because she was messed up. She’d always suffered from depression. And she had a drug problem. Why do you think my parents moved us up here from Denver? To get away from the bad crowd of kids she was hanging out with at our old school. We thought she was doing better. She seemed to be so excited about college and her plans for the fall.”

  “But I screwed that up by asking her to stay. She gave up the scholarship and agreed to stay in Creedence for me.”

  Steph shook her head. “No, she didn’t. I don’t know what she told you, but she didn’t give up the scholarship. She was planning to go to college. She’d enrolled in classes and had already accepted her dorm. She and her new roommate had connected on Facebook and had already picked the colors for their room. She and Mom had made plans to go shopping in Denver for the weekend after she died. They were going to get a comforter and all the stuff for her dorm room.”

  “Why would she lie?”

  “Because that’s what she did. She lied to all of us.”

  “I can’t believe it.” His shoulders slumped forward, the weight of what she’d said almost too heavy to bear.

  “I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry you’ve been carrying this around with you. All of us have blamed ourselves at one point or another, but my mom and I have gone through a lot of counseling to help us deal with it. And neither one of us has ever blamed you. None of this was your fault. You made her happy—the happiest she’d been in years.”

  “But it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”

  She cocked her head to the side as her lips pulled together in a sneer. “That’s bullshit. We’re all enough. In my profession, I listen to a lot of life stories and someone once told me, ‘Don’t believe everything you think.’ Thoughts are just thoughts—don’t give power to the wrong ones. Sarah loved you. She saw something in you that was worth loving.”

  He huffed. “She was the only one.”

  “I doubt that. I always thought you were a pretty great guy, especially when you let down your guard and were just yourself. My guess is that plenty of people have seen something in you, maybe even tried to love you, and I’ll bet my firstborn child you’ve pushed them away.”

  “Keep your kid. You’d win that bet.” I’m pushing one away right now. “But I push them away for their own sake. Being with me is how they get hurt, so I’m saving them that pain.”

  “Well, geez, aren’t you just a mother-freakin’ saint?”

  “Not hardly. I do it for them.”

  She pulled her head back and gave him the famous Stephanie Stink Eye. “I call bullshit on that as well. You’re doing that for you. If you’re pushing someone away, which I assume from the miserable look on your face that we’re talking about a woman, you’re not pushing her away to protect her. Women are tough, and we’re also pretty smart. We know what we want, and we have a keen way of seeing the good in people. If you’re trying to push a woman away, you’re not doing it for her. You’re doing it for you. Because you’re afraid of getting hurt.”

  “I’m not afraid of pain. I’ve been hurt plenty. I can take it.”

  Her face softened. She knew about his history with his dad. “Heart pain isn’t the same as body pain. And you can’t let the hurts of the past keep you from having a future. You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading the last one.”

  He leaned back in the pew and offered her a wry grin. “You’re just full of wisdom, aren’t you? You sound like a greeting card.”

  She shrugged. “I might have read that last bit on a magnet in the break room. But falling back on sarcasm and charm doesn’t change the truth of what I’m saying.” She looked around the chapel. “And isn’t wisdom what you came in here looking for?”

  He let out a sigh. “Yeah, I guess it was. I just didn’t think the Big Guy would send me wisdom in the form of a short, mouthy nurse with purple hair and dancing puppies on her shirt.”

  She laughed. “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

  “That He does. And it seems like I’ve got some work to do.” He stood and looked down at her. “I’m glad I ran into you.”

  “I am too.” She stood and stepped into the aisle, then reached up and put her hand on his arm. “Just because you’re strong doesn’t mean you have to carry around everyone’s baggage. If it isn’t yours, let it go. Quit hauling around your dad’s garbage and quit lugging around all of Sarah’s sadness. Those aren’t your burdens to bear. My grandma used to say you can’t get to the next rung of your ladder without letting go of the old one and reaching for it.” She gave him a hard hug. “Okay, I’ll quit dispensing my awesome wisdom now.”

  He squeezed her back. “It was pretty awesome. And so are you. I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch.”

  She let him go and offered him a shrug. “Water under the bridge. We can’t go back and change it, so why waste time worrying about it now?” She rolled her eyes and did a mock head-slap to her forehead. “I can’t stop myself. I’m like a wisdom-farting fountain.”

  He laughed then. A real laugh. And it felt good.

  She reached into her front pocket, then handed him a business card. “Here’s my number. Don’t be a stranger. And I’d like to meet her.”

  “Meet who?”

  “The woman you’re suddenly so anxious to go see.”

  He grinned. “I will go see her. But first, I have to go get my dog.”

  * * *

  Bryn smoothed her dress as she approached her table. She’d considered flaking out on the awards dinner and curling up on her couch with a blanket, a bucket of rocky road ice cream, and a wineglass filled with merlot and misery. But some very nice folks had gone to the trouble of nominating her for this award and she didn’t want to let them down. Plus she’d never received an award for anything before, so why let a little heartbreak and rejection stop her from accepting an honor that affirmed her best traits of being a good, animal-rescuing person?

  In the end, she’d dug a fancy dress out of the closet and buckled on some strappy heels and convinced herself this was a grand idea as she drove into town. But now that she was here, all she felt was humiliation and embarrassment at the two place settings marked Callahan mocking her from her table.

  She sucked in a breath. Pull it together, girl. She didn’t need Zane.

  In the last few days, she’d stood up for herself and accomplished things she didn’t think she was capable of, but she’d done them. She was stronger than she’d first believed. And she could get through this night. She’d hold her head high and accept the award for most innovative animal rescue volunteer.

  Then she could go home and have wine and ice cream. Maybe she’d have them together—a wine float. Hey, there was an idea. She should share it here and possibly nab another award for the most innovative idea to get through the breakup blues.

  * * *

  Zane’s heart shattered as he looked through the bars of the kennel and saw his dog. A large bandage covered a shaved area of her abdomen, the fur around it still slightly matted with blood. A neat row of stitches secured the skin where she’d suffered the gash on her shoulder. Her body looked thinner, and she didn’t turn her head when he entered the room the vet tech had pointed to.

  “Hey, girl,” he said, opening the kennel door. She was in the top kennel. It was one of the oversized ones for bigger dogs. She was curled up on a blue blanket, one he recognized from the farmhouse. Bryn must have brought it to the clinic for the dog. A food and water dish sat against the wall of the kennel, both full and seemingly untouched.

  At the sound of Zane’s voice, the border collie finally turned her head. She let out a soft whine and wagged her tail when she spotted him.

  He gently rubbed her neck as she stretched her nose toward him. Whining a
gain, she wiggled forward, trying to get closer to him. “Whoa there. It’s okay, girl. I’m here.” He blinked back tears as he carefully scratched her ears. “I’m here. But you gotta eat if you want to come home.” He scooped some dog food into his hand and held it by her head.

  She looked up at him, her eyes wary.

  “It’s okay. I promise. I’m really here.”

  He swore he saw the wariness transform into trust as she nosed his hand, then ate a few pieces of the dog food. “Good girl.”

  “That’s the most she’s eaten since you brought her in,” a voice said from behind him.

  He’d hoped he wouldn’t have to see Brody. But the man did save his dog’s life, and he owed him a debt of gratitude for that. He turned and eyed the veterinarian. Brody was wearing khaki pants and a white shirt with a blue tie under a navy blazer. Zane nodded to the dog. “Thanks for fixing her up. How’s she doin’?”

  Brody tilted his head toward Hope. “It seems like she’s doing a lot better now that you’re here. I wasn’t sure she was going to come out of it.”

  “Why? I thought the surgery was a success.”

  “It was. But dogs are like people—they fight harder when they have something to live for. I think she sensed you weren’t coming back, and it seemed like she was giving up. She hasn’t eaten or drunk much water since the surgery. I was just stopping in to check on her and figured I’d have to put her on an IV tonight just to keep her hydrated.”

  The sound of splashing had Zane turning to see Hope lapping water from the dish. “She seems to be doing all right now.”

  “Yeah. She does. That’s because you’re here.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know about that. Maybe she just now got hungry and thirsty.”

  Brody huffed out a dry laugh. “I don’t think so.” He offered Zane a knowing look as the dog gazed up at her alpha, then dug into the bowl of dog chow.

  Well, I’ll be. Rather than admit the vet might be right, Zane nodded to his clothes. “Pretty fancy duds for this late at night. You on your way to a wedding or a funeral?”

  Brody shook his head. “Neither. I was heading over to the Elks Lodge. The Women’s Club is hosting a banquet tonight. You knew Bryn was getting an award, didn’t you?”

  That hadn’t taken long. Bryn had already replaced him and invited Brody to attend in his place. Served him right for what he’d done to her.

  “Yeah, I knew. And I’m glad you’re going with her.” He let out his breath and his pride with it. “You’re a good guy. I told her she deserves someone like you, someone who will treat her right. I’m sure you two will be real happy together.”

  Brody chuckled. “You don’t have a lot of experience with women, do you, Zane?”

  He jerked his head back. “I’ve had my share of women,” he assured the vet.

  “I don’t mean that kind of experience. I mean the experience of being in a relationship with one, being around one all the time and trying to understand them.”

  “Are you saying you understand women?”

  He barked out a laugh. “Oh heck no. I can name three hundred bones in the body of a canine, but I haven’t a clue about understanding women. But in my years of marriage, I did learn a few things. And one of those things is that you can’t tell a woman how to think or what to feel. And you sure don’t want to assume that you know what she’s thinking or tell her how she should feel about something.”

  “What are you getting at?”

  “You can’t tell Bryn who she deserves to be with. And it’s not me, by the way.”

  “Look, I saw you guys together last night. I stopped by the farm to check on the horse and saw the two of you getting all cozy. And if she didn’t want you to be with her, why would she invite you to go to the awards dinner?”

  “She didn’t invite me. The clinic was nominated for an award.”

  Oh.

  “And I don’t know what you thought you saw last night. Yeah, we hugged, but you must not have heard our actual conversation or you would have heard us discussing how we’re better off as friends. And how she isn’t interested in me because she’s in love with you.”

  Oh.

  “Yeah, and from the look of your mopey face, I’d say you are in love with her too.” Brody stared at him. “Did you hear me? The woman is in love with you.”

  “I heard you.”

  “Then why do you look gloomier than the dog? What’s the problem?”

  “The problem is that I went to considerable effort this afternoon to convince her I wanted nothing to do with her.”

  Brody shrugged. “I’ve also learned a little humility and a sizeable apology go a long way to mendin’ fences you’ve torn down with a woman. And chocolate. That helps too.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What’s not to know? Do you love this woman or not?”

  Zane nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

  “Then what the hell are you doing standing here talking to me? Go over to the Elks Lodge and tell her.”

  Zane nodded and took a step toward the door. “Yeah, you’re right. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

  “Wait.” Brody held up a hand and glanced down at Zane’s shirt. It was a blue button-up, but he’d hit a bump in the truck that morning and spilled his coffee on it. Brown stains dripped down the center of his buttons. “You can’t wear that.”

  “Shit, you’re right.” He glanced at the wall clock above the vet’s head. “But there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t have time to go home and change. The banquet started almost an hour ago.”

  Brody shrugged out of his jacket. “Here. Put this on.”

  Zane eyed the coat. “You sure? What about you? I thought you said you were getting an award too.”

  “I’m sure. I’d already decided not to go, so I sent one of the other vets in my place to accept the award.”

  Zane was already going to show up with his ass in his hand; the least he could do was not embarrass her any more by walking in wearing a coffee-stained shirt. He took the jacket and shoved his arms into the sleeves. It was a little snug, but it would work. “Thanks.”

  Brody pulled off the tie and held it out. “Better wear this too. It’ll cover the stain.”

  “Smart.” He took off his cowboy hat and pulled on the tie, then smoothed his hair back before replacing the hat. There was nothing he could do about the scar marring his face, but at least he’d be dressed in a coat and tie, a getup he hadn’t worn in he didn’t know how many years. Maybe the sight of him in a tie would be enough to distract her from his ugly mug.

  Brody glanced at Hope. “I was going to do some paperwork anyway. I’ll stay here with the dog until after the banquet.”

  “Thanks, man. I’ll be back to get her right after. And I’ll take her home tonight, if you think she’s up to it.” Zane reached out his hand. “You’re a good man, Brody.”

  The vet shook his hand, giving it an extra hard squeeze. “So are you, Zane. Now go!”

  Chapter 22

  Zane stepped into the banquet hall. The room was full of people. Dang. It must be a dead night in town because it seemed half of Creedence was in attendance.

  Bryn was on the stage. She clutched the award to her chest as she profusely thanked everyone who had helped her with the horse rescue farm. She ended her acknowledgments with a shout-out to old Doc Hunter and a special thanks to Elle, who sat in the front row and cheered the loudest.

  Damn, he’d missed it.

  Bryn had on a long blue dress that somehow sparkled as the lights hit it. The dress was gorgeous, but it paled in comparison to the woman in it. Her smile lit the whole room, and his chest hurt just looking at her.

  She was so damn beautiful.

  He sucked in his breath. This was it. Go time. This was the moment he laid it all on the line and prayed it was enough. God had al
ready sent him a wisdom-spouting angel in the form of a spunky nurse. Zane just hoped He had one more miracle in Him, because that’s what this would take.

  * * *

  Bryn waved away the applause as she walked to the edge of the stage, trying to focus on holding the award and making it down the steps without tripping on her dress.

  Connie Dean, the president of the Women’s Club, stepped back to the mic. “We’re so excited about what you’re doing out there, Bryn. Keep up the good work.” She turned back to the audience. “Well, folks, I can’t thank you enough for coming out tonight. That was our last award for the night, so—”

  “Wait, I’ve got something I need to say,” a deep voice spoke from the back of the hall.

  Bryn shielded her eyes with her hand, trying to see where the voice—Zane’s voice—had come from. At least it sounded like him. But maybe that was just her wishful thinking. She couldn’t see anything beyond the glare of the spotlight, but she heard the hush of the crowd as a man walked between the tables and toward the front of the room.

  Her breath caught in her throat. It was Zane. At least it looked like him. But she’d never seen him in a coat and tie—never even imagined him in a coat and tie. And she had imagined him a lot of different ways.

  But never like this. Not dressed up and walking toward her with his lips set in a tight line, his expression full of determination, and his eyes full of purpose. He bounded up the steps, then stopped and looked down at her. “I’ve got some things to say, and I’d like you to stay to hear them.”

  She couldn’t speak. Her mouth had gone dry, and her chest had gone so taut she wasn’t sure she could squeeze out a breath. She hoped he didn’t feel the tremble in her hand as he picked it up and led her back to the center of the stage.

  He leaned his mouth into the mic. “I’ve got—” The microphone squealed, and he jerked back. Clearing his throat, he tried again, this time with his mouth not so close.

  Bryn was frozen, the steady pressure of his hand the only thing securing her in place. What was he doing here? What could he possibly have to say to her that he needed to say in front of half the town?