Guardian: Book One

by A.L. Crouch

  Chapter 14

  When I opened my eyes, I had to blink several times. I squinted against the radiant light that surrounded me. It enveloped me like a soft, downy blanket. There was no sky, no earth, only this warm brightness. No worry, fear, or sadness existed in my mind. For the first time since my family’s accident, I felt completely at peace.

  Time was suspended, or it simply failed to exist at all. The horror of the past hour melted away. Nothing else mattered except for this place, this contentment. I wanted to lose myself in this state of tranquility, to sink back into it and let it engulf me, embrace me, forever.

  “Alexandra,” a voice called to me. There was no mistaking the rich velvet of it.

  I looked up to the hand that offered itself to me and I reached for it. When our hands met, flesh against flesh, I felt a jolt of warmth rush through me. He lifted me to my feet from where I lay cradled by the serene, radiant glow. I stared into his blue eyes and lifted a hand to touch his face. When I did, he cradled my palm there.

  “Is this real?” I whispered to him, amazed at the smoothness of my own voice.

  Donovan smiled. “It’s more real than anything you’ve ever known.”

  I took in the atmosphere surrounding us. Luminous white light danced from all around. There was neither a beginning nor an end to it. We were alone yet I knew that we were surrounded by the energy of endless, bounding love.

  The presence I felt with us was overwhelming. It felt something like a rite of passage, where hundreds of friends and family waited to congratulate me on the other side of forever. I couldn’t see them, but I could sense them in the distance amidst the constant light.

  “Am I dead?” I asked.

  Donovan smiled and kissed my palm. “No, you’re not dead.”

  “Then where are we? Is this where you come from? It’s beautiful . . . beyond words.”

  “It has never been as been as beautiful as it is right now,” he said holding my eyes with his.

  I was confused. This had to be heaven. I had to be dead. I was at total peace with that if it meant I could stay here with Donovan forever.

  “If I’m not dead, then why am I here?”

  Donovan shook his head. “You’re not dead, Alexandra. You still have so much life to live. You’ve not yet fulfilled your life’s purpose.”

  “Did you save me?”

  I remembered the explosion, though it felt so very long ago. I remembered the fire that engulfed the small cabin. I remembered seeing Donovan, as clearly as I saw the orange flames and splintered ashes.

  “You saved yourself. You believed, wholeheartedly in your purpose, in me . . . in Him.” Donovan motioned to the space surrounding us. “You believed, as the world was crumbling around you, that He was with you . . . and that I was with you. And more than ever, I was.”

  I tried to remember the terrifying details of those moments before, but it was hard to conjure the horrific images in this place which emanated only tranquility. My heart sank when I remembered the grotesque way in which Sulley’s face had contorted with hatred as he attacked me. I remembered how it felt to pierce through his flesh with his own knife. And I remembered being frozen with fear and dread as the lighter flew into the air, dooming us all.

  More so, I remembered the calm that washed over me in the split seconds before the house exploded into flames. I remembered thinking that no matter what happened I was overwhelmingly thankful. I had been more blessed in life than most people. I was able to see and feel tangible evidence of the most incredible love of all. I was able to see, hear and feel my guardian angel, who had been sent to protect me and the life that God had created for me.

  In those last violent moments I had looked at death unafraid, because if it was time, if I had served my purpose, then I could accept it because I knew the kind of love that awaited me on the other side. I had been lucky enough to experience it in my mortal life on earth. When I turned to see Donovan waiting for me, arms open, I let go of everything else: all the doubt and fear that had plagued my life. I just believed.

  “I saw you, like I can see you now,” I smiled.

  “I told you that you would when you were ready.”

  My smile faded. “It was Sulley . . . the whole time. I don’t understand why.”

  “Some things you will never understand.” Donovan squeezed my hand. “Sulley was sick. He was torn between the truth and his love for you, and the jealousy and hate that skewed his perception. I should have seen it. I am so sorry. I failed you. I let your love for him blind me.

  “You’ve never failed me,” I whispered. “I just can’t believe that he killed them.”

  The tranquility in my heart began to fade.

  “My mom . . . she always said that she loved him as a brother. And Gary. How could he murder his own flesh and blood?”

  “Some people are blinded to the good, the beauty of the world. They overlook the gifts that are meant for them because they become consumed with want of another’s. That’s what happened to Sulley, and with so many others who cause such death and destruction. They let evil consume them because that is all they choose to see in the world.”

  Donovan sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “Sometimes it’s easier to see the darkness around you than it is to look up to the light.”

  I nodded, trying to understand. “And some people try to hide from the darkness. They run from it . . .”

  Donovan nodded knowingly. “You’re talking about Will.”

  “Is he dead?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

  “Yes, Alexandra,” he said and wiped the tear the fell into my cheek. “He’s dead. I’m so sorry.”

  “You knew he was going to die, didn’t you? That’s why you didn’t want me to get too close . . .”

  “I sensed it, that his time was coming. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew. That’s why I wanted you far away from him,” Donovan sighed. “But he gave his life to protect you, and for that I will be eternally grateful.”

  “Is he . . . here? Is he okay?” I could not hold back the sobs.

  Donovan held me close. “He is here. I can feel his presence just beyond us. You can feel it too Alexandra, if you search with your heart and not with your eyes.”

  I closed my eyes releasing a row of crystalline tears. I ignored the grief that I felt and reached out with all of my heart to the space beyond us. I was immediately consumed with feelings of overwhelming love and joy.

  “He sends his love to you,” Donovan whispered into my ear.

  In my mind, in my heart, I could see Will. He stood off in the illuminated distance and turned to me and smiled. I had never seen such happiness in his eyes. They were alive with elation as if lit from within.

  “I see him!” I gasped, my sobs turning into those of joy.

  As I watched, Will bent down and grabbed hold of a small child who walked beside him through the warm light. He lifted him high and then hugged the boy to him. The boy laughed and smiled and hugged his father around the neck. Will tuned to me once more and winked, and then with one last reassuring nod, he disappeared into the expanse of incandescent ivory.

  “He’s not the only one who wants you to know that they’re okay,” Donovan whispered again in my ear.

  My heart stopped as another figure came into view. She walked towards me smiling, her golden hair shimmered in the dancing light.

  “Mom?” I cried out.

  My mother waved to me from where she stood in the distance. Her warm smile filled my heart and she held a hand to hers.

  “Mom! I love you so much . . .” I cried out and laughed with unrestrained joy and tears.

  While I watched with my mind, my mother waved to me again and then grasped the hand of a second figure who joined her. Gary tuned to me and smiled and offered me a grateful bow. Together he and my mom walked off into the warmth.

  “Mom! Don’t go! I miss you so much!” I cried.

  I felt Donovan’s arms tigh
ten around me.

  “She will be right here waiting for you. It will be as if you were never apart. She’ll be waiting for you Alexandra, we all will be.” His voice broke with those last words and I opened my eyes and stared into his face. Something was wrong.

  “What do you mean, ‘we’?”

  When Donovan did not answer right away I took a step away from him, letting his arms fall. The sorrow on his face deepened and he had to collect himself before answering.

  “My purpose has been fulfilled, Alexandra. I . . .”

  “No!” I was suddenly furious, the brightness around me dimmed as if reflecting my sudden despair.

  “You can’t leave me. You said you weren’t going anywhere. I need you!”

  Donovan lowered his head. “It’s time for me to go Alexandra. It’s time for me to join the others. You don’t need me anymore. If I stay, I’ll only distract you from living a normal, happy life. Everything you need is with you in your heart. Your mother, Gary, Will . . . me. You’re going to live a long and wonderful life. I’ve served my purpose.”

  I shook my head, trying to understand. “Is this because you couldn’t sense Sulley? That was my fault, you said!”

  “No Alexandra . . .”

  “Is it because you interfered to save me? Take it back! Damn it, take it back. I want to stay here with you. It’s okay if you didn’t save me. My purpose is to be here with you, and with Mom and Gary. Damn it, you can’t leave me.” I was hysterical, my voice raising to a fevered pitch. “You have been with me my whole life. My purpose is to be with you!”

  Donovan grabbed me and pulled me close to him. I beat my hands against his chest and cried. He held me there firmly and I heard a sob escape his throat though he tried to stifle it. He held me close until the fight went out of me and I gave in to despair, sinking into his arms.

  For the first time the strumming did not soothe me. It filled my ears with a faint, almost inaudible rhythm, which had slowed to almost nothing. I feared that this would be the last time I would hear it. He had been there my whole life, but a lifetime had not been enough, I realized as my heart broke and the tears ran out.

  “I’m not strong enough to be without you,” I whimpered.

  “You have never been as strong as you are now. You came to Him broken, in pieces. You trusted Him, and he has made you whole again. It’s time for you to step out and claim your life back. There is so much joy and happiness left for you to discover. Depend on Him and miracles can happen.”

  I wiped my eyes and looked into his face. I committed every solid detail of it to my memory.

  “I have no one left.”

  “There is nothing that is lost, that cannot be restored,” Donovan smiled weakly.

  In the far distance I heard a voice. At first the voice was too faint to make out. I turned to look into the expanse of light all around me. The voice got clearer as it called my name, beckoning to me. It was a familiar voice, full of love. I turned back to Donovan.

  “Go Alexandra . . .” he whispered and took a step back.

  I was torn between my desire to run towards the familiar voice and pleading for Donovan to stay for as long as possible, there with me. The voice grew louder and I turned towards it again. When I looked back, Donovan was walking into the luminous depth behind me. He turned to me and smiled, the tears in his eyes tearing at me.

  “Alex . . . Alex, wake up.” the voice called to me and I hesitated, my eyes locked on Donovan.

  “I have always loved you, Donovan,” I was finally able to say and I wished that I had said it sooner.

  “For me, my time with you has been no longer than a few precious days, but I will love you for eternity, Alexandra,” Donovan whispered.

  “Thank you again, for my life.”

  “No,” he said gently, “thank you.”

  And with those final words he walked on and let the vast brightness engulf him. I stood there, unmoving, willing my heart to beat on.

  “Alex!” the voice pleaded. “Come back to me!”

  I turned to the familiar voice, and taking a deep breath, walked away from the brightness towards it.

 

  “Alex, wake up, dear. You have to wake up.”

  When I opened my eyes I found myself once again blinking against the brightness of my surroundings. This time however, my eyes were being assaulted by the unnatural glare of fluorescent lighting. As my eyes adjusted I took in the marbled ceiling tiles and whitewashed walls and knew that I was in a hospital room.

  “Alex honey!”

  I turned toward the familiar voice, grimacing at the pain that pounded in my temple. The pain was forgotten the instant I came face to face with a smiling Gram who sat in a chair beside my bed. My eyes widened and I sat up, painfully, my eyes locked on Gram’s face.

  “Gram,” I whispered, my throat raw.

  The elderly woman giggled with relief and patted my hand.

  “Oh praise God, you are alright. I was so worried . . . you’re so banged up.”

  I looked down at myself, to the numerous bandages and bruises and to the I.V. struck in my arm. I felt like hell, but as I moved my arms and legs I noted that nothing seemed broken. I turned my attention back to Gram.

  “You called me Alex. You recognize me?”

  “Yes dear, everything is so much clearer to me now.”

  I grabbed the small woman up into my arms and Gram squeezed me and clung to me. We both wept as we embraced one another.

  “Gram, I’m so sorry about Sulley. I . . .” I tried to explain as I pulled away from Gram. How could I explain to her what had happened?

  “Ssshhh, hush now. None of this was your fault, do you understand me?” Gram insisted, wiping her tears with a tissue that she held clutch in her hand. “If my mind would have been worth anything at all, I could have stopped him. This is my fault Alex.”

  I wiped my own tears with the back of my hand. “What are you talking about Gram? You said something like this before, in the cemetery. You tried to warn me. Do you remember?”

  “I don’t know what happened. So much of these last years have been so fuzzy,” Gram whispered.

  “Sullivan wasn’t giving Gram her medication. He didn’t want her to remember what she saw that night. He knew that if he kept her mind confused, then even if she did say anything, no one would have given her a second thought.”

  I looked up to see Nadine standing in the open doorway, a bouquet of white lilies in her hands. She came into the room and set the flowers on the table just inside the door and had a seat on a chair in the corner of the room.

  “She’s as good as gold now though,” Nadine laughed. “Bugged the mess out of the nurses at the home until they finally agreed to let her come visit. You’d think she was never lost. It’s just a miracle.”

  I looked from Nadine back to Gram. The spark was back in Gram’s eyes and she was now exactly how I remembered her growing up. I hugged her tightly and held her out at arm’s length.

  “What did you see that night Gram, the night of the accident? Do you remember?”

  Gram focused and looked off into the distance, seeing something I could not as she recalled that night.

  “It was just before I got the call that there’d been an accident. I wasn’t expecting Gary to be home until quite late. He liked to stay with you and your mom for as long as possible, you know. I hated that he had to come stay with me even after the wedding, but he insisted. Well, I was in bed reading when I heard movement downstairs. I thought Gary had come home early and I wanted to ask him how your recital went. He was so excited for you when he left.”

  I smiled and patted her hand as she went on.

  “When I walked into the kitchen . . . Sullivan was standing by the back door. I was in shock. It took me a minute to realize it was him. He had been in Iraq for almost a year, but suddenly there he was, standing in the kitchen. He had the strangest look on his face when he saw me, like the look he gave me when
he was younger and got caught with a hand in the cookie jar.” Gram turned to me and her voice lowered. “Then I noticed that his shirt was covered in blood. I . . . I asked him if he had been hurt. I was about to ask him what he was doing there, but he ran out the back door before I could. That’s when I got the phone call.”

  Gram looked away. “Everything happened so quickly after that. I began to think that I hadn’t really seen him at all. And then when he showed up a couple of days later, he acted like he hadn’t seen me in a year, like he had just left Iraq. I was so confused. Alex dear, I’m sorry. I . . .I should have said something.”

  “No Gram, none of this was your fault. He deceived us all. I am just so grateful that you are okay. I should have come home years ago. I should have helped care for you.”

  Gram and I embraced again and cried together, over Sulley, over our lost years together, over it all. I finally had my Gram back, after all of these years, she was back. After a long moment Gram took hold of my shoulders and looked me in the face.

  “Well we have one another now. I cannot believe just how beautiful and strong a woman you’ve turned out to be. I’ve missed you so much, my darling girl.

  I smiled at her. “I can’t believe I have you back.”

  Sadness washed over me when I remembered the other whom I’d lost. As happy as I was to have Gram back, how could I go on without Donovan? Was he really gone?

  “Well hey, you’re awake,” a male voice called from the doorway.

  I turned to see a tall, middle-aged doctor smiling at me.

  “I must say, young lady, you have us all pretty stumped,” he said coming into the room and checking my pupils with his ophthalmoscope. “You are very lucky to be alive. You survived a major explosion with just some moderate bruising and a few scratches.”

  “It’s just too bad I’m the only one,” I whispered.

  The doctor nodded sympathetically. “Yes, I am very sorry for your loss. Some officers from the Hendersonville police stopped by to ask you some questions. I asked them to come back in the morning. I figured you would like some time. I would like to hold you overnight for observations, but I suspect that you’ll check out just fine and be able to go home in the morning.”

  “That’s great Doctor,” Gram said.

  I didn’t know if it was good news or not. Donovan was my home. What would it be like to go back to the house without him, or Sulley, or Will? I wondered if I should go back to Chicago. There was too much to consider, so much I didn’t want to think about. I longed more than anything to just close my eyes and be back in that glorious light with Donovan where things made sense and I was at peace.

  “Well I’m afraid visiting hours are over for tonight. We need to let this young lady get some rest,” the doctor mandated and Gram looked at me, worried.

  “It’s okay Gram. I’ll be okay. I’m just tired and sore is all.”

  “Okay,” Gram said and stood. “I’ll make sure someone gets me here as soon as possible tomorrow. I’ll annoy the mess out of them again if I have to.”

  I held onto Gram’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

  “I love you so much Gram Gram.”

  Gram smiled down at me and sighed happily.

  “I love you too, precious girl. Now, get some rest,” she said and then she leaned down and kissed my forehead and left the room.

  “Well your vitals are looking good. How does the rest of you feel?” The doctor looked down on me with practiced concern.

  “I’ve got a headache,” I said.

  The doctor collected his clipboard and patted my foot on his way out.

  “I’ll send the nurse in to give you something for the pain. I’ll have her give you something to help you sleep too.”

  “But I’ve been asleep for like eighteen hours already. Is that really necessary?” I argued.

  The doctor paused at the door and turned to look at me.

  “You’ve been through a lot. Your body and mind need to rest,” he said giving me another reassuring smile and left the room.

  I sat there a moment, not sure which emotion was going to take hold of me first: sorrow, bitterness, despair. Gratitude. That’s what I should be feeling, I thought. I was alive against all odds, Gram was alive and back from the recesses of her mind. I was thankful for all of that. I wished it was enough for me, but it wasn’t.

  “It’s okay to be upset,” a quiet voice spoke from the corner of the room. “It’s okay to be angry.”

  I jumped, startled, and turned in the direction of the voice.

  “Nadine,” I breathed and relaxed. “I forgot you were here.”

  “I’m sorry, Honey,” she said as she stood and walked to me. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  I collected myself and tried to look happy.

  “It’s okay. I’m sorry. Guess I’m still a little in shock.”

  “I know, Child,” she said and took hold of my hand. “And it’s okay to be upset. You’ve lost a lot in a matter of a few hours. Or, at least you think you have.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Nadine sat on the edge of my bed.

  “Well, Sullivan was not the uncle that you thought he was. He was a sick, sick man. And the truth is you can’t really lose something that you never really had. So the loss you feel for him is really a mourning for an idea of who you thought he was.”

  I shook my head and tried to make sense of her words.

  “I guess so, but . . .”

  “But the loss of your uncle isn’t the loss you feel the greatest, is it?” Nadine interrupted.

  I looked up into her sympathetic face.

  “No, it’s not.”

  Nadine smiled and squeezed my hand.

  “The greatest gifts we get in life are also the hardest to let go of,” she said. “Though we ought to be thankful that we ever had them, we mourn them so completely that sometimes we consume ourselves with what we have lost and overlook what we are given in their place.”

  Another tear fell onto my cheek before I could reach up to stop it.

  “How do you know so much?”

  “It’s important to remember that what was given to you as a gift from Him,” Nadine smiled and pointed to the heavens, “can never truly be lost.”

  I stared at Nadine, at her warm smile and bright eyes.

  “How . . .?”

  “Okay, so how are we doing in here?” A stoutly nurse interrupted me as she walked in with a tray holding a pitcher of water and a cup. She set the tray down beside the white lilies on the table and turned to me.

  “Oh, well . . .” I stammered, “my head is aching a little, but other than that I’m okay.”

  “Yep, the doctor said you were having some pain,” the nurse said cheerily and retrieved a syringe from her scrubs pocket. “I’m just giving you a pain killer and a moderate dose of relaxant. It should knock you right out. The doctor wants you to get lots of rest.”

  The nurse inserted the syringe into the IV and smiled casually at me. I looked at Nadine and then back to the nurse.

  “I’m sorry, I know visiting hours are over. My friend was just about to leave,” I said motioning to Nadine.

  The nurse looked confused. She lowered her eyes at me and then turned and looked behind her, searching the room for someone, but seeing no one. She looked back to me concerned.

  “Oh, okay Hun,” she said and checked my pupils with a small light. “You just make sure to rest that head. I’ll be back to check on you shortly.”

  I watched as the nurse walked to the door and then turned to scrutinize me once more before leaving the room. In shock, I turned to Nadine. She smiled knowingly back.

  “She couldn’t see you!”

  Nadine shook her head. “No Child, only you have the gift.”

  I sat up straighter. “You’re a . . . a.”

  “Guardian? Of course I am,” she giggled. “Why, I’ve been looking after your sweet Gram since she was barely older than y
ou are now.”

  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think.

  “Boy did she give me a run for my money too,” Nadine continued, “living with a murderer for the last decade and a half.”

  My mind raced. I thought of every time I had been with Nadine. I thought about when we had first met at Sulley’s house. Sulley had never introduced us, had never directly spoken to Nadine. At church, Nadine had sat next to me, she had never spoken with anyone else, just me. I realized with astonishment that no one had ever addressed Nadine except for me.

  “Does Gram know?” I stammered.

  Nadine smiled and patted my hand again. “Oh I suspect she knows on some level. That woman has strong faith, always has.”

  “But . . . why can I see you with no problem?”

  “Well that’s because it’s easier for you to believe that I’d be looking after your Gram. Your mind accepts it easily . . . even if you didn’t recognize me for what I am.”

  “How many more like you are out there?” I asked, still stunned.

  “He has His angels everywhere, Child, looking over mankind. Some are sent straight from the heavens themselves, while others are everyday people just like you or any random man on the street. We can all be called upon to be His angels at any time – to protect His people at any given moment. He can use anyone, and any circumstance.”

  “And then when they aren’t needed anymore, He tears them away,” I whispered, regretting the anger in my voice.

  Nadine shook her head. “You are letting yourself be blinded by your loss. You’re going to miss the blessing He has in store for you.”

  “I know, I have Gram back, and she’s well and in good health. I should be more grateful.” I lowered my head.

  “And your Gram has her granddaughter back as well as her mind, which is why she is no longer in need of me,” Nadine sighed.

  “So you’re just going to leave her? Just like that?” I cried.

  “No Child,” Nadine answered, looking deep into my eyes, “I’m going home to prepare for when she gets there.”

  My breath caught in my throat, but Nadine smiled at me.

  “Now, don’t you go fretting just yet. She’s got quite a few more years to spend with you first. That, my child, is her blessing. I pray you don’t miss yours.”

  I shook my head in frustration, the medication quickly fogging my mind.

  “I don’t know what that is,” I sighed, defeated and weary.

  Nadine gave my hand one last pat. “You will. When you decide to open your mind, to look past your loss, you will see. Don’t let yourself be blinded by what all you have lost that you don’t see what you have to gain. You have to remember that all things are possible. Now, lay yourself down and get some rest, things will be clearer in the morning.”

  I slipped down into the covers, the muscle relaxant making my limbs foreign to my body. I felt heavy, like I could sink into the mattress and through to the floor. The ache in my head eased and it became harder to hold my eyes open. I wanted to ask more questions, I didn’t understand, but my mind was spinning, unable to focus on any one thought. I knew it was useless.

  “Thank you Nadine,” I said, knowing my time with her was coming to an end. “Thank you for looking over Gram.”

  “There’s no need to thank me, Child. We’ll meet again Alexandra.”

  Nadine tucked the covers up over me and then walked to straighten the flowers on the table.

  “It was you. You were the one who left the flowers at the accident site . . . on their graves.”

  Nadine turned to me and grinned.

  “I wanted to make sure you remembered the wonderful life you had with your parents. You must always remember to see the beauty among the devastation.”

  Nadine switched off the light and walked to the door. She turned to me once more.

  “You’ve been given such a gift Alexandra, don’t miss out on the miracles right in front of you. Take care of our Gram.”

  I could barely keep my eyes open. I wanted to plead with Nadine to stay. I wanted to understand.

  “I’ll see you,” was all I could muster before Nadine giggled once more and closed the door.

 

  I woke the next morning when someone flung the curtains of my room open and the sunlight shone into my face. It took me a minute to remember where I was, but the as the stark white walls took focus I realized that I had been knocked out, a dreamless sleep, in my hospital room.

  “Time to get up. I’m going to need to check your vitals before they come in to question you.”

  I sat up, noting that my head felt much better, as did my body.

  “Question me?”

  The nurse walked over to me and wrapped a cuff around my arm.

  “There are a couple of officers here waiting to take your statement. You’re free to get dressed if you’d like. Your grandmother was here bright and early and left some of your clothes for you.” She motioned to the chair in the corner and my bag of clothes from the house.

  “I think she went to get you some breakfast. I don’t think she approved of our selection.” The nurse grinned and removed my I.V. “I’ll give you a few minutes and then I’ll send the officers in. I’m sure you want to get that over with as soon as possible, bless your heart.”

  “Yes, thank you,” I said and the nurse left the room.

  I rubbed my arm where the needle had been and slowly stepped out of the bed. My legs were stiff and it took me a minute to be able to put all of my weight on them. I stared at the lilies on the table and recalled my conversation with Nadine. In the light of day I was still stunned at the revelation that Nadine had been Gram’s guardian. If I could see her, how many more could I see? How many have I seen walking among us? I wished I hadn’t fallen asleep, that the drugs hadn’t been so quick to work. There was so much more I wanted to understand.

  I hobbled to the chair and picked out a comfortable outfit and went into the small bathroom. I instinctively looked into the mirror above the sink and waited. I half-expected to see Donovan’s smiling face looking back at me. When I accepted that my own bruised face was the only I would see, I continued to get dressed.

  I told the officers everything that happened the night Sulley and Will were killed. I told them about my parent’s accident and they confirmed that the car Sulley turned into the salvage yard was in fact the same car that had run us off the road that fateful night. I was not surprised that Will had been right, I just wished that I had believed him when he told me.

  As the officers finished taking my statement, Gram walked in with another familiar face. Evelyn smiled sympathetically from behind a layer of hot pink lipstick.

  “Oh Honey, I am so sorry. I just had no idea. I feel so responsible. I just can’t believe it.” Evelyn scurried over to me in her six-inch heels and hugged me.

  “It’s okay, no one had any idea,” I said.

  “I called Evelyn as soon as I got up this morning because I knew that she’d help me convince those goons back at the retirement home to let me escape for the day. You should have seen their tongues wagging in their faces,” Gram laughed.

  “It was no problem. You can imagine my surprise to hear her speaking to me like nothing ever happened to her after all these years.” Evelyn poked a thumb at Gram.

  “So how are you, Dear? You look much better. I think that rest did you a lot of good. I brought you some breakfast.” Gram set the brown paper bag and a cup of coffee down on the bedside table.

  I had a seat on the bed and opened up the bag, happy to see the bagel sandwich inside. By the time I finished my breakfast and was savoring the last bit of hot coffee on my raw throat, the nurse came back in with a wheel chair.

  “Okay, you are all set. Your release papers are at the front desk along with a prescription for a mild pain reliever. Remember, no sports or any other activity where you could bang that head for a few weeks.”

  “I don’t know how I’m going to break the news to the roller derby team,”
I mumbled, earning a cross look from the nurse.

  “Well her sense of humor is back. That’s a good sign.” Gram chuckled. “Evelyn and I are going to get the car and pull it around. We’ll see you out front in a minute.”

  “Okay, see you in a minute.” I said and grabbed my bag.

  The nurse motioned me to the wheel chair and I rolled my eyes.

  “Is that really necessary? I’m walking just fine right now.” I sighed.

  “It’s hospital policy. If want to leave, you sit,” she answered with a grin.

  I grudgingly had a seat in the wheelchair and let the nurse wheel me to the receptionist’s desk. The lobby was busier than I expected for so early in the morning. The nurse wheeled me into a line at the desk. I adjusted in the seat and looked around the waiting room.

  Some people were sitting back with a magazines and cups of coffee. Children busied themselves in the corner where several toys and children’s books were strategically placed. Many people were fixated on the small flat-screen TV, which hung on the wall next to me. I could see that they were enthralled with the latest reports of the shooting at Fort Bragg.

  I looked away, not having the heart to hear of any more pain and destruction, but something caught my eye. Below the television sat a decorative table, meant for hiding the wires of the TV. On top of the table, almost out of place, sat an enormous vase filled with dozens of white lilies. I stared at them and remembered what Nadine had said to me the night before. “Remember to see the beauty among the devastation,” she had said.

  Leaving my bag in the wheelchair, I walked slowly to the TV holding up my hand when the nurse started to protest. I beckoned her to hold my place in line and turned back to the TV. On the screen was a shot of the outside of a hospital and the white words beneath it read: Womack Army Medical Center. I got closer so I could hear what the reporter was saying.

  “. . . sad day for soldiers at Fort Bragg and for the many thankful families who owe the life of their loved ones to this man. Today, at oh-twelve-hundred, SFC Donovan Pritchard will be taken off of life support, as hundreds gather to Womack Army Medical center to pay their last respects to the fallen hero.”

  I gasped when I heard the name of the wounded soldier and stumbled faster to the television, not caring that I was blocking others in the waiting room from being able to see. Stopping just inches from the screen, I watched, eyes wide, as the reporter continued.

  “SFC Pritchard was mortally wounded Thursday when a fellow Fort Bragg soldier opened fire on his regimen as they gathered for morning drills. Pritchard contained the gunman even as he was shot numerous times in the torso and legs. His selfless act saved countless lives and he has been awarded the Soldier’s Medal for his heroic act.”

  My surroundings froze and disintegrated around me as a picture of SFC Pritchard flashed onto the screen. Though he wore a dessert-camo uniform and a dusty helmet, I immediately recognized the intensely blue eyes that peered out from below the rim. I was staring into the face of my Donovan . . . a hero . . . a man.

  “SFC Pritchard leaves behind no family, but will be forever remembered and honored among soldiers and family here at Fort Bragg and from a nation who will be forever grateful.” The reporter finished and continued to the next story.

  I remained in a state of shock, my mind reeling. Could it really be him? It couldn’t be. My Donovan had been with me my whole life, and the shooting had only happened a few days ago. How was that possible? I couldn’t make sense of it, couldn’t conceive of the possibility that Donovan was alive, at least for now only hours away. It just couldn’t be.

  Then all of the conversations of the past days flooded back into my memory. I remembered the things that Donovan had said to me:

  “Time for you is linear, it doesn’t exist that way for me . . .” he had said. “For me it is as close as yesterday. Your whole life, to me has been a handful of days”

  And what had he said in our last moments together?

  “My time with you has been no longer than a few precious days, but I will love you for eternity,” he had said.

  I shook my head, it seemed too impossible. But the meaning of Nadine’s words from the night before started to make sense to me:

  “We can all be called upon to be his angels at any time, to protect his people at any given moment. He can use anyone, and any circumstance . . . don’t miss out on the miracle right in front of you.”

  I let out a rush of breath and searched the walls frantically for a clock. I found one above the receptionist’s desk. It was already almost eight a.m. I had no time for doubt. I ran to the front door, the stiffness in my legs forgotten.

  “Excuse me miss, you have to sign these papers!” The receptionist yelled and I raced back to the counter.

  “I have to wheel you out too,” the nurse reminded me.

  I grabbed the clipboard and scribbled my name and then hopped back into the wheelchair.

  “Please, I have to go now!” I urged.

  The receptionist glared at me as she looked over the paperwork.

  “Where are you in such a rush to?

  “To find my blessing,” I cried as the nurse wheeled me out the door.

  Gram and Evelyn were waiting out front in Evelyn’s car. I got up from the chair and threw myself into the back seat. They turned from the front seat startled.

  “What in the world is going on, Dear?” Gram asked.

  “Change of plans. I know this is going to sound crazy, but Evelyn, I need you to take me to Fort Bragg right now.”

  “Fort Bragg? That’s all the way in Fayetteville; that’s almost four hours away. What on earth do you want to go down there for?” Evelyn’s voice raised in pitch.

  Gram turned in her seat and held out a hand to me.

  “What is this about Alex? You can tell me.”

  I stared deep into Gram’s eyes and prayed that she would understand.

  “Gram, are you feeling okay? Is this too much for you?”

  “Gracious dear, I haven’t felt this great in over a decade. What’s troubling you?”

  Tears welled up in my eyes, I didn’t know if I could explain.

  “I need to go to Womack Hospital. He’s about to be taken off of life support. I have to get there before he . . .” The tears flowed down my cheeks and Gram squeezed my hand. I tried to continue. “Gram, I can’t explain it . . . but I know him.”

  Evelyn gasped. “You mean that poor dear that stopped that gunman? You know him?”

  I stared into Gram’s eyes, “I think I’m meant to go there, right now . . . before it’s too late.”

  Gram stared back at me and just nodded. She didn’t ask any questions, she just gave my hand a squeeze and turned back to Evelyn.

  “Evelyn Dear, we’re going to Fort Bragg. Let’s make it in a jiffy too.”

  Evelyn looked at Gram in shock and then registered her serious tone. She nodded obediently and put the car into drive.

  “I always did like the sight of a men in uniform,” she retorted and pulled the car onto the main road towards the highway.

 

  I remained silent the entire way down, staring out the window, lost in thought. I could hear Evelyn and Gram discussing the events of the last years, but I could think only of Donovan. I wrestled with the craziness of what I was doing. It was insane. Could the man lying in that hospital bed really be the same spirit who protected me from harm my whole life? I knew it was, there was no mistaking those eyes and that kind smile. I didn’t know how it was possible, but Donovan would say that didn’t mean it wasn’t.

  I had to get to him before it was too late. But how was I going to get to him? How was I going to get through to see him? What if I didn’t make it?

  I glanced at the clock on the dash as we pulled into the checkpoint at Fort Bragg. I let them photocopy my driver’s license and after a thorough search of Evelyn’s car, we were allowed on base. I was sure that Evelyn’s flirting had much to do with our success.

  �
�He said the hospital is all the way down the road on the left,” Evelyn informed us when she climbed back behind the wheel.

  As we approached the hospital, rows of cars were parked along the curb and crowds walked, candles in hand, down the sidewalks towards the hospital. Evelyn pulled into the ER driveway, but came to a complete stop when faced with the bumper-to-bumper traffic there. I looked up to the hospital entrance, to where hundreds of people gathered in the parking lot, some with posters, all with tears in their eyes.

  “What do you want me to do now? I can try to go back to the road and park?” Evelyn asked.

  I looked at the clock on the dash and then to Gram who turned to me. It was five minutes to noon. My eyes asked the question and Gram understood.

  “Go Alex, don’t worry about us. We’ll be waiting for you. If this is what you are meant to do, then don’t let anything stop you. Go,” Gram urged.

  I got out of the car and ran as fast as my bruised legs would carry me. I pushed my way past the crowd but stopped short when I reached the security guard at the front door.

  He looked down on me with reprimand in his eyes.

  “If you’re not having an emergency, the hospital is closed to civilians,” he spat.

  I hesitated, frantically plotting my next move as he stepped toward me. But before he could force me to turn back, a friendly face stepped beside him from the crowd. Smiling down on me, the man placed his hand on the security guard’s shoulder. The guard’s fierce look melted and he grinned at me and nodded for me to pass.

  “Just this once,” the guard said cheerfully.

  I stared into the friendly face of the man beside the guard and he nodded to me. I smiled and ran through the front doors of the hospital.

  When I reached the front desk, I had to take a second to catch my breath.

  “Where can I direct you?” The unemotional secretary didn’t even look at me.

  “Donovan Pritchard’s room please,” I pleaded.

  The secretary turned her attention from the screen in front of her and glared at me, her face a mask on impatience.

  “Are you family?”

  “Not exactly,” I said, desperation in my voice. “But I’ve known him all my life, please. I came as soon as I could.”

  “No visitors allowed,” she mumbled, annoyed.

  “You don’t understand . . .” I begged.

  “I’m sorry miss, but no vis–” the woman began again, but before she could finish, another kind face stepped up behind the secretary. I watched as the woman laid a hand on the secretary’s shoulder. The secretary turned back to me, an expression of peace on her face.

  “You know, just this once should be fine I suppose. Donovan Pritchard is in room 206. Second floor, right at the end of the hall.” She smiled.

  “Thank you!” I exclaimed, my eyes fixed on the kind eyes of the stranger who grinned and nodded from beside the secretary.

  I ran forward and took the stairs by two, gritting my teeth against the pain in my ankle, and the bruises on my body. But it didn’t matter, none of that mattered.

  When I reached the top, I forced myself down the long hallway and came to an abrupt stop when I found room 206. I watched as a handful of doctors and men in uniform left the room and looked at me, their faces solemn, before they walked off.

  My heart threatened to break in my chest as I reached for the door and looked in.

  “They just took out all of the tubes. It won’t be long now,” a voice from the corner of the room said to me.

  For a few seconds I just stood there, listening to the steady beeping of the heart rate monitor. When I mustered the courage to walk into the room, I looked down on the man who lay in the bed before me and a sob exploded uncontrollably from my throat.

  It was him. Donovan lay on the bed looking even more bruised and battered that I did.

  “Do you know him?” the voice asked me.

  I tore my eyes away from Donovan and faced the man who stood a few feet from the bed. He was dressed in full military dress uniform; his sleeve insignia indicated that he was an officer.

  “He’s been there for me all my life,” I whispered and tuned back to Donovan.

  “He saved my life and the life of my men. It’s a damned shame. He deserves to live a long and happy life,” the officer said and moved toward the door. “He doesn’t have any other family that’s still living, so I’ve been here praying for his recovery every day. I prayed for him to have a second chance at life, to find his happiness. It’s a damned shame.”

  “What are his injuries? Is there no chance for him to recover?” I asked breathlessly.

  “He was shot in the chest numerous times, and took one to the leg. They got all the bullets out, were able to rebuild the lung, but he never started breathing again on his own. I guess the fight just wasn’t in him. His soul had somewhere else it wanted to be. He’ll be at peace soon,” the officer explained and then sighed and shook his head.

  “You know,” he continued, “he never let go of the shooter, even when he lay there, gasping for breath, he refused to let go. He saved a lot of lives, you should be very proud. I’ll leave you alone.”

  I barely heard the officer leave as I approached Donovan on the bed. All I could hear above the soft, steady beeping of the heart monitor was my own shaky breath. He looked so helpless and weak. I wasn’t used to seeing him so . . . human.

  I stared down at him a minute and then reached out with a trembling hand and grasped his. Gasping, I bowed my head, letting the tears flow. For the first time, his hand was ice cold. I looked up and wiped the tears from my cheeks. His perfect face was littered with small cuts and a large bruise had formed above his right eye. Bending over, I kissed the bruise there and took a deep breath.

  “I don’t believe you are here,” I sobbed and squeezed his hand to me. “I don’t understand how any of this is possible, but you taught me something, you know. You taught me to see the beauty in the impossible . . . and right now, I see that you are the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen.”

  I took a deep breath, collected myself.

  “Maybe that’s why I’m here. Maybe God wanted me to have this chance to see you, like this. To know that you were real.” I cried silently and stared into the face that had seen me through my worst nightmares.

  The heart rate monitor’s rhythm slowed and I gasped, looking up and seeing on the monitor that Donovan’s heartbeat was slowing. There was something familiar about the steady, rhythmic sound and I put my hand to my mouth as I realized why.

  Leaning over, I gently placed my head on Donovan’s chest. There, beating against my ear was the slow and steady strumming that was distinctly Donovan. The strumming slowed and began to fade as I listened and I sobbed uncontrollably against his chest.

  “Please no,” I whispered. “Please don’t take him. Please don’t. Not him too. Please God . . . let him live. You sent him to save me, to help me find myself again, and you. Now I’m begging you God, bring him back to me. I know it can happen. I believe it will happen because YOU are the beauty among the devastation and you make beauty out of loss. You led me here for a reason. Bring him back to me . . . please, bring him back.”

  When I was cried out, I lay there, barely breathing as I listened to the strumming of Donovan’s heartbeat against my ear. As I memorized every tone and fluctuation, it faded slowly and then stopped. I lay there unmoving, unable to cry or react, entombed in disbelief. A string of nurses and uniforms entered the room quietly. They stared at me a moment.

  “He’s gone,” one of them whispered to me.

  “No!” I screamed. “He’s not gone. Give him a minute.”

  “Miss, I’m sorry. He’s gone.”

  “No!” I cried again. “He’s not gone, he’s not . . . just wait . . .”

  The uniformed officer entered the room and looked down on me from where I lay, head resting on Donovan’s chest.

  He sighed. “It’s obvious that
you loved him very much, he was a great man . . . but it’s his time. You have to let him go.”

  I looked up at the officer wearily, fresh tears welling into my eyes.

  “He’s not gone . . . it’s not his time yet. Donovan said to me once that there is nothing that is lost that cannot be restored. All things are possible. This is my miracle, I know it. My mind is open and I can see now. He’s not gone,” I whispered.

  While I talked to the officer, another soldier grasped me around the waist and lifted me away from Donovan. I kicked and fought to get free of him as I cried out.

  “He’s not gone! Just wait! Just wait . . .”

  The soldier shushed me sympathetically and carried me away and I went limp in his arms. Before he could get me out of the door, a beeping sounded in the room. Everyone breathe in the room held as we listened.

  Another beep, followed by another. The soldier lowered me to the ground and stared in amazement at the heart rate monitor as it began to beep in a steady, constant rhythm. I ran to Donovan and laid my head in his chest. Beneath my ear, the strong and steady strumming soothed me once again and I sobbed tears of joy onto his chest.

  When a warm hand reached for mine, my head shot up and I stared down into the intensity of Donovan’s cool, blue eyes. He glared at me in disbelief, his breaths labored but strong.

  “Alexandra? Is that really you? How did you . . .” His velvet voice was a hoarse whisper. “Am I still dreaming?”

  I kissed his warm hand.

  “Someone told me where to find you,” I said with a weary smile. “It’s not a dream, it’s impossible. I don’t know how . . . how we could spend a lifetime together while you lay suspended between life and death for only a few days. How? I can’t believe it.”

  Donovan nodded knowingly at me and smiled.

  “I can,” he whispered. “A lifetime wasn’t enough. Maybe our purpose is to spend another lifetime together.”

  Donovan sat up slowly, wincing as he did and looked into my eyes as the people around us looked on in disbelief, not knowing how to react. He wiped the tears from my cheeks and ran a finger over the features of my face, as if checking to make sure I was real.

  “I thought you were a dying man’s dream . . . your whole life, our life together. You saved me, Alexandra.”

  I smiled, the joy in my heart overwhelming me and reminding me of that peaceful, incandescent place.

  “I guess that makes us even,” I whispered and Donovan collected me carefully into his arms.

  I closed my eyes as he drew me close and kissed me, and the entire world melted away into a warm, luminous glow.

  Epilogue

  “Come on Mommy, the paint is going to dry.”

  I laughed as my daughter and I raced down the driveway, purple hands waving in the spring breeze. I delighted in following her golden tresses down the gravel drive. When we reached the mailbox we paused and stared at it for a minute, scrutinizing.

  “I think they should go here,” I suggested and the tiny five ear old nodded in approval, her bright blue eyes focused on the exact spot.

  “Okay,” I laughed, “On the count of three. One . . . two . . . three!”

  My daughter’s small hand left a tiny, purple print right next to the small, faded print that I had left more than twenty years ago. I chose to place my purple-covered hand right atop of the larger fading print, and I held it there for a few seconds. When I removed it I marveled at the fact the handprints were the exact same size.

  “I think it looks perfect,” my daughter giggled.

  “You know what Willow? I think you are absolutely right.”

  The little girl smiled and grabbed my purple hand with hers. I laughed and we walked back up the driveway, purple hands joined.

  “Mommy, tell me the story about the angels again.”

  “Again? You always want to hear that story,” I chuckled as the house came into view.

  I looked up at Donovan who sat watching us from the porch swing. He smiled lovingly at his two girls and laughed.

  “It is an incredible story, isn’t it? I tell you what, since you did such a great job of helping me decorate the mailbox, I’ll tell you the story at bedtime. Right now we have a code purple to take care of,” I said and then swung my baby girl by our joined purple hands.

  “Hurry up now you two! I need some help with these cookies!” Gram yelled from the front door.

  We looked at each other excitedly before my daughter, with a joyous laugh, took off running. I stopped a moment and looked at my family gathered on the front porch. Then with a laugh of utter happiness and contentment, I ran home.