The Bad Guys Chronicles Box Set

by Eric Ugland

  “Tempting, but I’m kind of trying to do something here. Maybe—”

  “Then, when I have arranged what needs to be arranged, I will return.”

  “Not necessary.”

  “Your name, please,” he said, ignoring me.

  “Okay, if I don’t tell you my name, you can’t find me.”

  He did a little thing with his hand, and I felt that magic again, and I tried to fight back once more. There was a pulse of magic that hit me like a hammer, and I staggered back a step.

  “Clyde Hatchett,” he said. “Your low level is surprising, and I fear my debt must grow, for you put yourself in mortal danger to save me. Interesting. I am Troels Westergaard, ambassador of Carchedon, member of the purple, and I will see you again.”

  “Dude, you really don’t need to do this.”

  He disappeared, invisible once more. “But I do,” his voice rang out.

  The door opened and remained open, and I knew I was alone once more.

  “Any chance you know where his lamp room might be?” I called out.

  Silence for a moment, then came a soft reply, as if from a distance: “I do know you’re in the right room, might have to look a little closer.”

  Chapter 70

  This was definitely the weirdest party I’d ever been to, and that includes the one at Shirley McHale’s where Dennis Wilkinson tried summoning demons.

  It was time to do a little more magic, and send thanks over to Careena. Summon Fiend was actually paying off.

  Tying a string around a coin, I got as close to the center of the room as I could, then I cast detect secret doors.

  Glowing runes flowed down the string and sunk into the coin. The coin started spinning, which was the first step. It confirmed there were secret doors leading off the room.

  I kept mana flowing into the spell, pushing to the second step.

  The coin stopped spinning, and the string went taut. The coin shot out in the direction of the secret door.

  Keeping my mana flowing and focused, I walked in the direction the coin and string pointed until I got to a bookshelf. I released the spell, and the coin dropped, swinging lazily on the coin. I dropped it back in my pouch.

  I looked over to the bookshelf and did some fiddling around with things before realizing it was simpler than I’d thought. A push and the shelf moved into a secret room. The room was quite nice, plush carpeting, as was everywhere, purple fabric on the walls, a bright glowstone in the ceiling, and a ladder that could be lowered with a pulley. Oh, and a trapdoor in the middle of the floor. There was a large padlock on the trapdoor.

  I looked at the massive ring of keys, and I thought about Tollendahl and how much of a sleaze bag he had to be to trap a girl in what was, in essence, a stained glass chandelier. No way anyone else would have a key.

  Magic-time. I loved magic. I was starting to realize that I was almost looking for chances to use it.

  Zeddington’s Infinite Key made one of the guard’s keys I’d snatched into the key I needed, and I unlocked the padlock and tossed it aside. The key gone into the mystic void of wherever magic took things.

  I knocked once on the trap door, then opened it.

  Inside, it was very bright and disconcerting. There was a small platform and a lot of glass. The platform was basically a bed without much in the way of sheets. There were some pillows. And on that bed platform stood a young woman who was completely naked.

  I looked away immediately.

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “You came!” The voice called out from below. “I didn’t think anyone would help me.”

  “Yeah, I’m here,” I said.

  “Are you,” she stopped. “Did he send you to me? To—”

  “No,” I called out, interrupting her. “Nope. I’m, uh, he doesn’t know I’m here. No one does right now.”

  Except, you know, the heir to the throne of some other enemy country.

  I pulled my jacket off and dropped it down the hole.

  “Put that on for starters,” I said.

  Then I stood up and looked at the ladder, trying to figure out how to get it down into the lamp room.

  Thank you,” she said. “You know I’m a princess, right?”

  “What?” I asked, confused.

  “I’m sure there’s a reward for rescuing me,” she called up.

  “You had me at reward,” I called back down.

  There was a crank on the wall near the bookshelf entrance, and a little turning of the crank lowered the ladder. It was slow going, but eventually, it reached the bottom.

  A bit of noise as she climbed the ladder quickly, and she scampered up into the secret room. She threw her arms around me and pressed herself to me tightly.

  “Thank you,” she said. “I thought I was to be left in there forever.”

  “Actually,” I said, “I think he had plans to visit you tonight, and, uh, it didn’t sound good.”

  “And here you are, my hero.”

  “Clyde Hatchett.”

  “Shae Cushing.”

  “Princess of?”

  “Would you believe the land of the fairies?”

  “No.”

  “I, maybe, said that because I thought a reward might entice you to be nice to me and save me?”

  “I was already saving you,” I said.

  “I wasn’t out of that hole yet.”

  She was tall, for a girl at least, with stunning features. She just looked like she was about to smile every second, and she had bright blue eyes and such a damn friendly disposition. And, in retrospect, it was pretty obvious she was going to be gorgeous, she’d been chosen for that very thing. By a complete monster of a human.

  “I don’t think this is a good place to, uh, hang out,” I said.

  “Definitely not,” she replied.

  She took a step back from me, and I realized that the jacket had some slight issues. One, it didn’t appear the buttons were actually intended to close the jacket, and two, it didn’t seem the jacket was nearly big enough or long enough to provide full coverage even if it was able to close. Which it wasn’t.

  “But, uh,” she said, gesturing to the garment in question, the only one she had on, “I’ve seen what the ladies are wearing downstairs, and it’s not this.”

  “No.”

  “I need a dress.”

  You have been offered a quest by Shae Cushing:

  A Dress, My Kingdom For A Dress

  Fetch a dress for Shae Cushing, one that is wearable to the party below.

  Reward for success: Undying loyalty of Shae Cushing, XP

  Penalty for failure (or refusal): Unknown

  Yes/No

  “Yeah, let’s handle one problem at a time,” I said, but, I did accept the quest.

  I cranked the wheel hard, and the ladder practically flew up and out of the trapdoor, then I shut the trapdoor. The girl had left the secret room and walked into the meeting room and was leaning over the map-table.

  “Also not a good spot,” I said.

  “Have you seen this map?” she asked.

  “Let’s focus here, okay? Work on not dying?”

  She nodded at me. “Sorry, I’m a bit scatterbrained. Hungry.”

  “How long have you been in there?”

  “Day and a half, I think.”

  “And you haven’t eaten?”

  “I ate the bit of food they gave me.”

  “But it’s been a while?”

  She nodded, “Last night. Said he didn’t want me puking when he came back.”

  “Nice guy, caring. I’m going to boost you up there,” I said, pointing to my old hiding spot above the bookshelves. “It’s a pretty good spot to hide.”

  “And you’ll come back?”

  “With a dress.”

  “Good luck,” she said and stood in front of me. “And I know peeking is going to happen, it’s a bit inevitable, let’s just, you know, I’d rather have you looking at me and seeing too much than closing your eyes and me falling,
okay?”

  I wondered what an elf looked like when he was blushing.

  “Noted,” I replied, and I got her up to the hiding spot.

  She peeked back over. “A blue dress if you can find it,” she said with a wink and a smile. “Makes my eyes pop.”

  “There is a dead body up there,” I said, pointing to the hanging lamp area, “Might have clothes that fit you, you know, if I can’t find a dress and you don’t mind the whole death thing.”

  “Let’s leave that as a last resort,” she replied, deadpan.

  I smiled back, all the while thinking that I was getting myself deep into the crazy.

  Chapter 71

  I stalked through the hallways moving a little faster than I should have for silence purposes, retracing my steps back to the stairs down, running through ideas on how to get a dress for the princess. Obviously, the quickest and sleaziest way would be seducing a young woman, then running off with her dress. Maybe not the best idea. Kind of wrong in a few ways, but a quest was a quest, and I wanted to find that dress and complete that quest. I was a little tired, and thinking in rhymes, things were not looking up.

  My path to the ground floor was clear of guards, and I got to the ballroom in what I considered record time. It was packed, and the dancing was in full swing. It seemed to mostly be older folks, though, and that meant I needed to head elsewhere. So I went to where people naturally congregate at parties: wherever there is booze.

  I went the long way around, going into the dining area first, which was pretty crowded now. There was an eating competition ongoing between two huge men, surrounded by regular-sized folk. Plates were stacked on plates on neighboring tables, and the men involved in the contest were shoveling food into their open maws with both hands.

  The library was still empty save the one old dude who just glared at me when I walked through.

  And then, the sitting room. Which wasn’t as full as I expected, instead, the area near the bar was a bit crowded, and most everyone else made their way outside. It was the rear veranda that had become the repose of the youth at the party. Where the courting was happening, and where I’d have to do something despicable.

  But I got a glass of wine first. With bubbles, because why not?

  I took a few sips, walked toward the veranda, and saw a familiar set of swaying hips. At the top of the hips was the same dark wavy hair I’d seen a lot recently. But there was no way my fellow pit worker was here, she was a pit worker.

  Yet, as soon as that head of hair turned around, I saw the beautiful, mischievous smile and arching eyebrows belonging to Nadya.

  And she saw me. Those perfect eyebrows shot up, and her face skewed up in confusion. She held up a finger to the burly dude who’d been trying to make her laugh, and she came towards me. I angled away from her, hoping she’d get the hint and not make contact.

  She did not get the hint. Or, more likely, she just ignored it. She came right for me, grabbed me by the elbow, and steered me into the library.

  The old dude was not happy, but Nadya didn’t seem to care about him.

  “What are you doing here?” She hissed.

  “What am I doing here, what are you doing here?” I replied.

  “No, you do not get to ask me that question.”

  “You just asked me the same question.”

  “Because it’s important I know why you’re here! Who are you?”

  “You know exactly who I am.”

  “If you are who I think you are, you wouldn’t be here.”

  “And yet here I am.”

  “At the most exclusive ball of the year?”

  “Yeah, I mean, you’re here. Why is it so weird that I’m here? And why are you here?”

  She made a high pitched noise of irritation, and stomped away from me, only to get to the fireplace, and then stomp right back.

  “Answer the question,” she said. “Why are you here?”

  “Tell me who that guy is,” I said, pointing at the old man.

  “Why are you worried about him?”

  “Because I don’t want to blurt my business out to the whole world,” I said. “No offense, sir.”

  “I would prefer you not blurt anything out around me,” the old man countered.

  Another noise of frustration from Nadya, and she grabbed my arm, pulling me back through the library, through the sitting room, past the guy who was trying to make Nadya laugh who was now giving me a remarkably dirty look, and into the backyard. We went down the stairs, into the grounds, and around to the far side of the fountain where the noise of the water would drown out anything we said.

  “This better be good,” Nadya said, crossing her arms tightly and scowling up at me.

  “Why don’t you tell me something?” I snapped back.

  “Are you here because of me?”

  “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”

  “That’s exactly what someone who was following me might say.”

  “If I was following you here, wouldn’t you think I was happy to see you?”

  “You’re not?” she asked, and she actually seemed a little shocked. And there was just the barest hint of a quaver in her voice.

  “I didn’t mean it the way it came out,” I said, “I just didn’t know you were here. Or going to be here.”

  “Why are you here, then?” she asked, quieter this time.

  “Because I’m trying to steal something from Lord Tollendahl.”

  Her eyebrows shot up, and she took a step back.

  “Oh?”

  I probably had just said too much.

  “What?” she asked, a smile creeping onto her face.

  “An orb.”

  “Are you a thief?”

  “In a sense.”

  “Then why are you working in the pits?”

  “Why are you working in the pits?”

  “I asked you first.”

  “You never answered my question.”

  “If you can’t figure out why I’m here, dressed like this, talking to those brain-dead meatheads in there, then I’ve severely misjudged your intellect.”

  And suddenly, I did get it.

  “You’re slumming it in the pits,” I said.

  “That’s not exactly right.”

  “Who’s your family? You’re nobility, right?”

  “I am. Not by choice.”

  “You’d be an idiot to choose something else.”

  “Why? So I could have the freedom to do something I actually want to do instead of being paraded about as my father attempts to use me to make a better deal for my family?”

  “How about because you get to come to this sort of event instead of running for your life because you can’t afford to keep a roof over you or your son’s head at night when the monsters come out?”

  “I mean,” she said softly, looking up at the dark night sky, “that’s definitely something I prefer, yes. But is it that, I mean, no. I’m not going to say anything else. In many ways, my life is easier.”

  We stood there in silence for a moment, and I watched the guy I expected was her paramour staring at us from across the fountain. Someone started laughing in the hedge maze.

  “Is that what happened?” she asked. “With the gargoyle?”

  I nodded.

  “And they, I mean, are the family, are they okay?”

  I nodded again, not really knowing what else to say.

  “So you saved this family, killed a gargoyle, and paid to have the body delivered to me because you knew I liked monsters . Is that right?”

  “Yes.”

  “But you’re here to steal some orb from Tollendahl?”

  “That was the original plan.”

  “There’s a new plan?”

  “You know that big fancy stained glass lamp-light thing above the ballroom?”

  “Going to steal that now?”

  “No, I can’t say that was the plan, but, uh,” something clicked in my brain, and I realized that maybe there was a better wa
y to get a dress. “Do you have another dress with you?”

  Chapter 72

  “No,” she said, looking like I was insane. “You think that’s going to help you steal whatever it is you’re going to steal? The lamp?”

  “There was a girl in the lamp,” I said.

  “Like a genie?”

  “Is that a real thing? Genies in lamps?”

  “Where else would they be?”

  “I don’t know, busy not existing.”

  “Of course they exist. Where is this hamlet of yours?”

  “Denmark, but that’s not important, she’s a girl. A regular human girl. At least I think she’s human, I didn’t check. It’s just, Tollendahl keeps girls in there.”

  “That’s absurd.”

  “You want to meet her?”

  “Yes.”

  I stammered because I hadn’t expected it to be that easy to convince her to help me.

  “Okay,” I said, “but we need a dress.”

  “Why?”

  “She’s currently wearing my jacket.”

  “So?”

  “Only my jacket.”

  “Oh,” she said. “Tollendahl has daughters. And a wife. They’d have dresses.”

  “I don’t suppose you know them well enough to ask for another dress.”

  She watched the fountain for a moment.

  “If you can’t,” I started, but she held up a single finger to me, didn’t look at me, but held up a finger.

  “Thinking.”

  So I waited, and I watched the brute across the fountain staring at me and getting angrier. I was not looking forward to the confrontation that was surely going to happen sooner rather than later.

  “Got it, follow,” she said, grabbing my arm and giving me the illusion of choice.

  The mean-looking guy made more faces at me as we walked by, though Nadya didn’t seem to notice.

  We were definitely in Nadya’s element at the party, she seemed to know exactly how to walk when to walk, and where to swish to the side in order to move remarkably quickly, and we ‘bumped’ into a young couple necking behind a pillar in the sitting room.

  “Nadya,” the girl said, her hair dark, her make-up smudged, and a nose that was remarkably similar to Tollendahl’s.