The Bad Guys Chronicles Box Set

by Eric Ugland

  Then, she walked up very close to me, and leaned next to my ear.

  “Is Boris a kobold?” she asked.

  “Boris is a kobold,” Boris said.

  “He’s got good hearing,” I said.

  The kobold pointed to his ears, which I realized were tucked under his horns, and were rather large and floppy.

  “Sorry,” Shae said, pulling her nightshirt a little lower on her legs. “You are the first kobold I’ve met.”

  “I meet many humans,” Boris said.

  “He’s also rather literal,” I said.

  “Can read kobold and draconic,” Boris said.

  “And apparently humble. I’m going to take a shower.”

  When I got into the bathroom, I could still hear the two of them talking. I have to admit my curiosity was shooting skyward.

  Getting clean, though, felt tremendous. I hadn’t fallen in the sewage, but just being in the tunnels was enough to deposit sludge-funk on me. And there was the sweat from the night. Even though nearly everything had gone right going into the Mahrduhm embassy, I was a ball of nerves the whole time. My clothes had been drenched, and it was something I just didn’t realize until I got home to take them off. Finally getting under the hot water was like stepping into a tiny slice of heaven. I spent much longer in the shower than I normally do, just taking a break for a moment.

  If only I had realized how much of a rollercoaster the near future was going to be, I probably would have just stayed in the shower until it all blew over.

  Chapter 127

  Somehow, Shae and Boris were best of friends by the time I was ready to get dressed, and had already gone down to breakfast together. I waved to them as soon as I got into the tavern, but before I could sit down, Matthew grabbed me and escorted into the basement (not the sub-basement) to go over the night mission.

  Godfrey was already down there, waiting and eating a bowl of something that looked like oatmeal. It was being deposited quite heavily about his mustache.

  “Where did you go?” Matthew asked.

  “Mahrduhm,” I said, passing the papers I’d snagged over to him.

  He snatched the papers, and started reading over them while pacing back and forth in the crowded basement. As he finished each page, he handed it to Godfrey, and Godfrey took his turn reading.

  And I sat there, pretty positive Boris the Kobold was eating my breakfast, which, you know, looked damn good that morning.

  “I got to hear the queen talking to the ambassador, too,” I said.

  “Heard she’s quite the woman,” Godfrey said. “Her troops both love and hate her.”

  “Seems to me like her people are terrified of her,” I said. “The ambassador was shitting bricks just thinking about talking to her. Said they’ve got some sort of re-education camps or something going on in Mahrduhm.”

  “Re-education camps?” Godfrey asked.

  “That’s what he called it.”

  “Sounds bad.”

  “She sounds bad. But she’s beautiful.”

  “Read,” Matthew said. “Talk later.”

  Godfrey nodded, and returned his attention to his paper.

  I stood there waiting. I already knew very well that the papers clearly outlined Mahrduhm’s machinations. Valamir was planning the assassination of his brother, the Emperor. It was going to happen on a specific time to be beneficial to all sorts of parties involved. There really seemed to be a massive conspiracy in place, and, frankly, I was a little baffled. It didn’t seem like the Emperor was unpopular. In fact, most of the lay-folk I’d gotten to know were pretty pro-Emperor. I guess the brother was just a dick.

  Matthew handed the last page over to Godfrey, disgust all over his face.

  “I cannot believe Valamir is willing to sink so low,” he said. “This is foul.”

  “Is it enough to go to the Emperor with?” I asked.

  Matthew leaned back against a crate, and looked over at the wall.

  “Probably,” he finally said.

  Congratulations! You’ve completed a QUEST!

  One Wrong Turn Rights Another

  You successfully snuck into the Mahrduhm Embassy and obtained proof of Valamir’s plot to kill his brother.

  Reward for success: Unknown

  I found myself getting annoyed at all the unknown quest rewards I’d seen. Shouldn’t the game world tell me what I’d just earned?

  Godfrey finished up and put the papers together in a neat stack.

  “I’m convinced,” Godfrey said.

  “Did you find anything to corroborate this stuff in your talks with the Legion?” Matthew asked.

  “I only sent out feelers,” Godfrey said. “Wasn’t really expecting your elf-buddy to work this quickly.”

  “What can I say—” I started, but Matthew held his hand up.

  “Not the time for self-congratulation,” he said quietly. “We are looking at something quite vile. Something that could very well change the course of our Empire forever.”

  “Haven’t there been weird successions like this in the past?”

  “Do you know nothing of your history?”

  “No. My, uh, village wasn’t really into history.”

  “It would seem your village wasn’t into much.”

  “We were a bit insular, yeah.”

  “Should I presume you, then, don’t know how the new ruler is chosen?”

  “Let’s pretend that even if I did once know, I’ve since forgotten.”

  “Might want to get a few more points in Intelligence, kid,” Godfrey said, back to eating his oatmeal. Somehow he’d come up with a new bowl.

  “I’ll see what I can do,” I replied.

  “The problem is how succession will be handled. The princess is not fit to rule, nor does it seem she will take a chance to claim the crown. That means Valamir will be forced to duke it out for votes in the Senate. He needs to keep his involvement in the assassination quiet until after he takes the throne.”

  “So there’s a Senate vote?”

  “Once all this is settled,” Godfrey said, “I am going to Denmark and setting up a school there.”

  Matthew shot a look to his brother-in-law, making it clear he didn’t need the help or appreciate the interruptions.

  “The Senate is made up of the realm’s aristocracy. Whatever the make up of things are, which all depends on the number of provinces under Imperial control, the Emperor receives that many votes. However, there is a single individual who represents the city of Glaton. A non-nobleman who is elected from the city every ten years. So there is always an odd number of total votes, and if every single member of the Senate votes against the Emperor, they can overrule him. When the Emperor dies, if he has nominated a successor, that individual gets the old Emperor’s votes. So it is very hard to overrule. Usually the emperor nominates his offspring. Once, someone else was voted over the Emperor’s progeny.”

  “Wilco the Great,” Godfrey said. “Four hundred some odd years ago.”

  “You memorized all the emperors?” I asked.

  “Yes. I went to school,” Godfrey said.

  “Can it, you two,” Matthew sniped. “The problem in this case is that the princess has made it clear she won’t take the crown, and it’s not clear if the Emperor has put his votes to her anyway, or to someone else. In writing at least. In which case, those votes don’t count. So then it’s just a simple majority in the Senate.”

  “Gotta have enough Senators, though,” Godfrey added. “There’s a special name for it.”

  “A quorum,” I said.

  “And yet you know that,” Matthew said. “Weird town you’re from.”

  “Oddly enough, people have been studying that Hamlet for years.”

  Matthew sighed.

  “The last time we were in this kind of situation, it ended in civil war.”

  “And the time before that,” Godfrey added.

  Matthew nodded.

  “Perfect time for someone outside the country to attack,” I
said.

  Godfrey nodded this time, then looked at me. “Is there more than just these papers?”

  I gave them the run-down of the meeting I watched.

  Godfrey shook his head, and set the bowl of oatmeal down.

  Matthew looked shaken.

  “How can so many be involved without the Emperor knowing?” Godfrey asked.

  “Because Valamir has always been a political animal,” Matthew replied. “This must have taken years to put together, making sure there were promises in place everywhere. And Valamir must be counting on making a vote happen almost immediately after the death of his brother. It is the only way.”

  “Can we stop it?” I asked.

  “We are but three fools in a basement,” Matthew said. “I doubt we can make even a tiny difference.”

  “We can try,” Godfrey said. “You get the elfboy to the Emperor.”

  “It is not like you’ve got the power to get Hatchet to the Emperor, do you?”

  “No, but I have other things I need to do.”

  “I will see what I can do,” Matthew said to Godfrey, then he turned to me. “After noon, you be here, waiting. It will likely take any favors I have left, but when I’ve gained your entrance, it will be at a moments notice.”

  I nodded.

  Godfrey took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  “I suppose it is time I speak to my brother,” he said.

  “Past time,” Matthew replied.

  Godfrey nodded once, and then marched out of the basement, almost like he was moving quickly before he lost his nerve.

  “Who is his brother?” I asked.

  “A Thingman,” Matthew said. “And a murderer.”

  Chapter 128

  While the brothers (in-law) went about their errands, I decided to head over and get some stuff taken care of on my own. Mainly, I wanted to talk to Careena, get some clarity about things.

  I didn’t bother to take a carriage. The events of the previous evening notwithstanding, I wanted the time to think. And I wanted to be in the sun. After another long night spent in a variety of cramped spaces, some sunlight was nice.

  Careena’s shop was in spooky-mystical mode. When she saw me through the glass, she rolled her eyes, but let me in.

  “You have some other apocalyptic spell you’d like to tell me about?” she asked as I sat down. She closed the curtains and transformed the place from fortune-teller storefront to magic shop.

  “No,” I said, “but I did meet someone who asked me to say hello.”

  “Oh? Someone else calling in far-too-large a favor?”

  “Maybe. A mancer who works in the Shade.”

  She frowned, and shook her head. “You went into the Shade?”

  “I did.”

  “At least you made it out,” she said.

  “Barely.”

  “Might be a wild assumption, but you did make it out alone, right?”

  “No, there was someone with me.”

  She leapt back and had both hands up, orbs of light growing around them.

  “A real person,” I said, hands up in defense. “I got checked by the mancer. He said I was clean, but he asked who was teaching me and I said you.”

  She dropped her arms to the side, and released the magic into the floor. Which set the floor on fire around her. With a dismissive flick of her hands, water sprayed across, and the fire went out.

  The room stank of smoke and wet carpet.

  “You poor fool,” she said.

  “Did I mess up?” I asked.

  “I was talking to myself.”

  She fell back, and while I stood up to try and catch her, a chair zipped across the floor and she slumped perfectly into it.

  “Sit back down, boy,” she said.

  “What’s going on?”

  “It all depends on how that one mancer decides he’s going to act. Maybe by doing nothing. Maybe the Guard will come knocking on my door. Maybe there will be a circle of fire called down on my building, and my future will be nothing but ash. I need to check you, to see what he saw. Will you allow it?”

  “Of course,” I said. “Thank you for asking.”

  She shrugged. “You can break the world with one stupid spell, best be polite.”

  Lazily, she gestured her hand one way then the other, and glowing runes settled all over me, sinking into my skin for a moment. I felt a tingle.

  “How come sometimes I can see magic as runes and sometimes it’s just a feeling?” I asked.

  “It’s a bit the control of the caster over the spell. True control, you can cast the spell with just a thought and there is no external sign. A novice might require physical components, gestures, and vocalizations, and then the appearance of the spell might be outlandish. Though, let’s be fair and say that most advanced magicians won’t forgo the theatrics. Now hush and let me read.”

  She leaned back and closed her eyes. And I suppose read over the information she’d just gleaned from me. She nodded, then nodded again. Then she frowned.

  “I’m not sure how to deal with you,” she finally said. “You are becoming quite an issue.”

  “Apologies,” I said, “but I’m trying to—”

  She held up a hand. “I’m still thinking. Get me some tea, please. It’s upstairs.”

  Dutifully, if sullen, I went upstairs, poured her a cup of tea, and brought it down. She had not moved, and her eyes were still closed.

  Careena looked up at me, and she smiled while I gave her the cup of tea.

  “Where are you really from?” She asked. “And don’t give me that story about your small town to the south. I know you aren’t from there. Or here.”

  “You don’t think I’m from the Empire?”

  “I know you aren’t. I am doubting you are from this world.”

  “What if I told you I’m not?”

  “Then I might finally start to trust you.”

  “I’m not from this world.”

  “I know. Where are you from?”

  “A place where there is no magic. There are no levels. There’s no stats, nothing like that.”

  “How did you come to Vuldranni?”

  “Random chance more than anything, I think.”

  “A lucky mistake.”

  “Not so sure it was lucky.”

  “Has your life been unduly difficult here? You seem to be failing upward at every opportunity.”

  “I think you might have a rather rose-colored view of my activities then.”

  “I think it might be better described as I have a good idea of what is happening, while you are ignorant of the larger picture.”

  “That’s probably true.”

  “It also explains why you are so unconcerned about many of the very bad things you have collected.”

  “Like the kobold?”

  “I’m going to pretend you have said nothing about kobolds to me, since that is not a conversation I wish to have at the present moment. I am talking about necromancy.”

  “That was an accident.”

  “I’m sure it was, but what an accident. In this ‘accident,’ you have acquired decades’ worth of necromantic magic. So much that there are few left in this Empire who might touch you in that field. You could very well be the expert. You could likely rule a small country with those skills alone.”

  “I didn’t ask for them.”

  “I know. It is for this reason I haven’t reported you. Or killed you myself.”

  “You want these spells? Take ‘em.”

  “If only it were that easy. I would certainly be interested in having them, and yet, I fear your attempt to give them to me would result in my death. At which point, it’s very likely all my spells would transfer to you. Though you were able to handle one absurd spell, I cannot see you making it out alive either. And then where would we be?”

  “Both dead, it seems.”

  “Yes. So you are stuck with your spells for now.”

  “For now? Is there some other way to get rid of t
hem?”

  “Who knows what magic will come along in the future, but for the moment, no. In the future, we will be discussing your other world. For now, I believe I owe you some spells.”

  “I mean, I’d sure appreciate it.”

  “Are you racing against the clock again today?”

  “More than usual, actually.”

  “I will try to teach you three spells, then. None are particularly flashy, but I think they are all rather vital to your continued survival.”

  “Seems like a good combination to me.”

  And we set to work.

  I was excited to finally learn spells Careena’s way — she was so convinced of its superiority. But in reality it’s a quite dull procedure. It’s mostly internal, or at least only visible to the person involved. Trying to see magic, trying to control the flow in particular ways. There are gestures that help, phrases that can focus or twist the energy in special ways. And, of course, there are all sorts of weird little things that can be used to make the spells function better. Wands, orbs, special components like dried newts tails, that sort of thing.

  It took two hours before I grasped the basics of the first spell, which was all about the denizens of the Shadow Realm. About seeing them in our realm and pushing them back into theirs.

  Look at that, you’ve learned the spell: True Vision of Shadows.

  True Vision of Shadows allows you to see most creatures and beings of the Shadow Realm even if they are attempting to hide.

  Another hour of blinding light, both inside and outside of my body. My eyes hurt by the end, but:

  Look at that, you’ve learned the spell: Vaux’s Brilliance

  Vaux’s Brilliance fills your body with brilliant white light, dispelling shadow within and without.

  “If you find yourself with a passenger, this might help you remain yourself,” Careena said. “The last spell is a more general utility, which I hope you can find a good use for.”

  A final hour of fiddling with my hands and understanding how to use mana to recreate my hands in a different location.