The Bad Guys Chronicles Box Set

by Eric Ugland

  “He’s not here,” one of them called out.

  “Of course he’s not here,” one of the others snapped back. “Who’d be dumb enough to stick around?”

  I shrugged. Didn’t think it was that dumb.

  “I want to know how he did it,” Voice Three said.

  “He shoved me into the damn Iron Maiden you insisted we needed,” Voice One said. “And he shut me inside. You know how much that hurts?”

  “It’s not to be used,” Voice Three replied. “it’s for intimidation purposes.”

  “We’re killing people, not intimidating them.”

  “The place was supposed to be multi-purpose.”

  “No more iron maidens.”

  “Maybe you just need to stay out of the decorations.”

  “Shut up, the two of you,” Voice Two said. Given how quickly the others quieted down, it became pretty clear that Voice Two was the man in charge. “How did he break the cycle?”

  “A spell,” Insidious said. “He cast something and disappeared, then reappeared behind me. Stabbed me from behind, then shoved me in the—”

  “But teleportation isn’t possible here,” Voice Two said.

  “I know that’s what we were told, but I also know what I saw. And I know what happened to me.”

  “I don’t think you do,” Voice Two said. “I think you were slacking off, didn’t kill him fast enough, and he got the drop on you.”

  “That’s not what happened,” Insidious said. “Not at all.”

  “It’s a pretty major fuck-up,” Two said.

  “Likely comes with a penalty, eh, Arthur?”

  “Oh, I think so.”

  “Guys, come on.”

  “You know the bylaws,” Two said. “You signed the bylaws, right Insidious?”

  “Sure, but—”

  “Then take your punishment like a man.”

  “Guys—”

  “You close to leveling?” Two asked.

  “No,” Insidious said.

  “Not asking you,” Two snapped.

  “Yeah, I’m pretty close,” Three said.

  “Then you take him,” Two replied. “And Insidious, because I’m feeling generous, I’m only penalizing you at orange. Make it quick, Palax.”

  Someone pulled the trapdoor open. I could see Insidious standing with his back to me.

  "Turn around," Three, or Palax I suppose, said. "Easier that way."

  "I know what to expect — I can take it," Insidious replied.

  "Get this shit over with already," Two said.

  "Take it easy, Arthur," Palax yelled. "I don't particularly like doing this, and—“

  I heard a shink sort of noise. A red line appeared in Insidious' neck. His head tipped over and thumped onto the floor, then rolled into the pit. It smacked into a body right next to me. I got a nice close up view of his eyes, still open and looking around. It was unnerving, and it took a lot of willpower to not flinch away.

  "We need to clean this place out," Arthur said, shoving the body into the pit.

  It hit one of my corpses, and sent a spray of blood across the brick walls. His heart must have still been pumping out the arteries.

  "Hatchett knows where this place is," Arthur continued, shutting the trap door. "So we can’t use it any more."

  "He's not going to do anything to us," Palax replied.

  "Maybe he will, maybe he won't."

  Arthur was half right. I was going to ruin them.

  "But we have rules for a reason," Arthur continued. "We destroy hideouts when they are discovered. Always."

  "I like this one."

  "It's just like all the others."

  "But I like the neighborhood."

  "Are you going to help me with the summon or keep complaining about having to move like a whiny baby?”

  "You're a whiny baby.”

  Spoiler: they're both just assholes.

  "Your jokes suck," Arthur replied.

  "What about the storeroom?" Palax asked.

  "Summon first, set the molromon to task, and then we clear the storeroom out. I want to get going. We have a meeting with Steef at dawn. Passing over the stock. I want to get paid."

  “It’s payday?"

  "Guild payday. You get gold after we count and cut. So can we get this shit started?"

  "Bah."

  The two asshats walked into the summoning room and started their ritual. I wasn't sure what was about to happen, but I was pretty certain it was going to be unpleasant. Partially because I'd ruined their summoning circle, and partially because whatever they were pulling into this world was going to clean house. Or at least would be capable of cleaning house. It didn't seem wise to be sitting in a pit of fresh meat right when some monstrous demon came ripping through a portal into this realm.

  I pushed through the bodies over to Insidious, and rolled him again. He had a pouch and two rings. I shoved the loot into one of my knapsacks and then continued to crawl over to the ladder. Then, up and out into the kill room.

  I heard chanting coming from the other room. It was building to a crescendo.

  Smashing! You’ve learned a new language, Abyssal.

  Naturally. Demon-summoning assholes.

  I climbed up the wall and pulled myself into the rafters, tucking into the darkness and remaining as still as possible.

  There was a pulse of red light from the summoning room, followed quickly by the sound of something being torn apart. I imagined it was the sound of reality ripping. More poetic that way, whatever the actual case may be.

  "You will consume the corpses in the other room," Arthur boomed out in what I assumed he assumed was his most commanding tone, "and then destroy this building. Then, you will remove yourself back to your native plane."

  Whatever had been summoned started chuckling. It sounded ominous as hell. Which, you know, it might have actually been from hell, so, there you go. It sounded as it should.

  "I think not," the summoned thing said in Abyssal.

  "I command you, creature," Arthur shouted. "You will obey me or I will leave you trapped in this circle forever."

  More laughter, followed by a loud crack. Then I watched Palax crash through the wall beneath me.

  "How—“ Arthur started, but the fight was on.

  Palax was surprisingly fast getting to his feet. He charged right through the hole in the wall and got back in the game.

  I know I probably should have remained where I was, but my curiosity was too much. So I crawled along the beam until I was at the wall, and peeked through the slight gap to see what was going on on the other side.

  A red-skinned, heavily muscled creature stood in the ruins of the wall between the main room and the summoning room. The thing looked exactly like what I thought of when I pictured a demon. Or a devil. Horns, wings, claws, split hooves, the whole nine. Its horns came right up to the ceiling, close enough that it'd leave grooves in the wood if he wasn't hunching slightly. The dude had a big mouth, but it wasn’t actually able to contain his thick yellow teeth that almost seemed to be stuck in random places. They looked like they were teeming with disease. It glared around with red eyes that had vertical pupils.

  The two Iron Silents had their short swords out, and stood on either side of the creature.

  Putting out just the bare amount of mana, I shot an identification spell towards the demon-devil thing.

  Molromon

  Lvl 41 Demon

  The molromon stretched its claws out, some drool coming out of its toothy maw as it smiled.

  Arthur lunged forward and dug his sword into the creature's thigh.

  The demon just smiled wider. He grabbed Arthur with one arm. I thought I was about to see the dude get crushed, which in all honesty I was looking forward to, but then Palax hacked at the molromon with his sword.

  A light glowed out of the sword as it swung through the air, and it sliced deep into the molromon's other arm.

  The molromon roared. He backhanded Palax, but dropped Arthur in the p
rocess. Palax hit hard enough to break through the wooden wall, revealing a stone wall behind it.

  Arthur pulled a dagger out. He jumped up and plunged it into the creature's heavily muscled neck.

  The creature turned its head so fast it looked like a blur. Then he bit all the way around Arthur's shoulder.

  Arthur screamed, but somehow held on to the demon. The molromon reached across his body to grab Arthur, and ripped him off like the man was tough beef jerky. Arthur managed to keep hold of his dagger, and cut a deep and jagged wound across the molromon, but since he was missing a solid chunk of his torso, I watched him die on the floor.

  Palax was still trying to get to his feet.

  Thick blood came out of the molromon in a wave. The fiend growled, and looked down at Palax.

  Palax got to his knees and swung the sword out low, cutting deep into the demon's leg. Not all the way through, but enough that the molromon stumbled.

  "Hah!" Palax hollered, dancing back out of the way as the molromon swung his clawed hand out.

  The molromon stood up straight, his horns pushing into the ceiling, and took in a great lungful of air. A slip of smoke came out of a nostril, and the creature smiled. He leaned forward and seemed to projectile-vomit out fire. It was almost liquid, and stuck to everything it hit.

  Palax managed to avoid the infernal napalm, but he also didn't have many avenues of attack left open to get to the demon.

  Meanwhile, Mr. Molromon was reveling in the fire. Though it was difficult to see through the flames, it looked like its red skin was knitting back together. It did not seem like a great idea to give the dude enough time to get back to full health.

  I took a moment to take stock. This could very well end up with me dying again, and I wasn't super keen on that. Especially since I didn't want to respawn into a blazing inferno and die again.

  There were a few things I could do. Shadowstep was out, since there really wasn't even a single shadow to step into. But there were plenty of spells I had that didn't require shadows. And one that required dead bodies. Which I had plenty of.

  I calmed myself down as best I could and harnessed my magic. I focused, and cast ReAnimate on Arthur's corpse.

  The molromon's head looked around sharply, like he'd just caught a whiff of a gold-medal fart. But he didn't look in my direction.

  Palax had pulled a wand from somewhere. I watched as he shot a great stream of water out, engulfing the room at an incredible pace. The fire didn't stand much of a chance against the magical deluge. All that was left was an awful lot of smoke and steam. The molromon seemed surprised to see his inferno disappear, and Palax took advantage of its distraction. He lunged forward and plunged his blade deep into the creature's muscled stomach before ripping the sword to the side. Ribbons of intestines spilled out all across the floor.

  It looked like a mortal blow. The demon roared in pain, so loud that the walls vibrated.

  Palax smiled, and then caught sight of his buddy. Arthur was slowly getting to his feet, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was missing a significant portion of his torso. Or that he’d been on fire.

  Naturally, the demon took advantage of Palax's distraction. He brought his giant mouth down over Palax's head and took a bite.

  Arthur seemed to be waiting for something. And sitting there on the rafter beam, I realized I could feel something more than I'd be able to in the past. There was an additional presence off to the side of my brain. Arthur. Or, at least, the reanimated version of Arthur. It was like an empty vessel waiting for a command.

  So I told him.

  "Kill the demon," I commanded into the new space.

  There was an imperceptible nod. Arthur snatched the sword from Palax's dead hand, and started wailing on the demon, straight-up hack and slash.

  That was my cue to drop down to the ground. Arthur was keeping the demon busy, but not because he was succeeding in killing it. Sure, the molromon had cuts all over the place, but he was also literally tearing Arthur into pieces, as if he wanted to make sure I couldn't do any more reanimating.

  "Oh," I said, "that's cute."

  Then I reanimated the rest of me. At least as many of me as I could before I ran out of mana.

  I heard a wet smack against the wall, and turned to see the remnants of Arthur's steaming torso slide down the wood.

  I turned back to face the demon and pulled my own sword out. Well, more precisely, I pulled out the sword I'd liberated from Insidious.

  The molromon wasn't looking great, but I’ll admit I was scared. Even with all his wounds, he was still ten feet tall and full of muscle. And teeth.

  He looked down at himself, and then at me. He chuckled, and then lunged for me.

  But before he could get to me, he got hit by a wave of reanimated corpses. A horde of me slammed into him with the fury only the undead can muster. Magic and rage fueled their bodies far more than my meagre strength did, and they crashed upon the demon with a flurry of hits, tears, and bites.

  The demon's red eyes grew wide in surprise. He tried to back-peddle to get more room to fight. But my horde wasn't about to let him go. I saw one of the corpses crawl inside the demon, pushing and tearing at its entrails until they were, um, extrails.

  Just as I started to worry about having enough mana to finish the fight, the demon collapsed to the ground with a whump.

  GG! You’ve killed a Molromon (lvl 41 Demon).

  You’ve earned 5000 XP! What a mighty hero you are.

  He was dead.

  And interesting to note that when my undead did the killing, I got the credit. That could be useful.

  I was super tempted to check on my animation abilities, to see if I'd be able to reanimate the molromon's demonic flesh. But I needed to get out of the Iron Silents' hole and back to my people. Preferably after a quick stop at the old Biscuit's Union building to retrieve all my things from the secret safe in the office.

  Cleaning up the demon was quick work — one of the few benefits to having exotic butchering skills. I lopped off his horns, and pried out his claws and teeth. Then, because I had such a great view of his insides, I could see that some of his organs were glowing. So out they came. I wrapped them in cloth from my, uh, well, from one of my selves. Who I sent back into the pit with the orders to make sure nothing in the pit was identifiable as human. I figured someone would eventually find this hidey-hole, and it'd probably be better if it wasn’t stuffed with a bunch of the same dead person. Better still would have been burning the place down, but I'd just killed my fire source.

  I quickly went over Arthur’s and Palax’s corpses and made sure I took everything they had worth taking. Both swords, their daggers, a handful of rings, four chains of varying thickness, what had to be a magical bag of holding of some variety, and a minor fortune in gold and platinum.

  Then it was onward and upward. I ran up the stairs until I came to a ladder and a trapdoor.

  Chapter 148

  I came out in a small open area with manicured lawns and flowers planted in color-coordinated beds. The moons above shone a beautiful light, making it immediately clear I was in a park. Or a garden. The trapdoor was hidden in a group of bushes. It was very well done.

  I pushed through the bushes and pulled my hood up over my head as far as it would go. I wanted to disappear into the darkness as much as possible. I had a fair amount of wealth on me, and I needed to get it back to my place safely. Or any place safely.

  It took a few minutes to find my way out of the park, which really only happened because I stumbled onto a pathway that led to a massive wrought-iron archway. And then, well, I was in a neighborhood I didn’t recognize. The area seemed predicated on providing as much greenspace as possible. The streets were wide and flat, and I saw gardens, parks, and greenhouses everywhere. Trees loomed up and over the roads, creating leafy tunnels in every direction. Some quaint-looking buildings sat tucked behind the trees.

  As I walked down larger and larger streets, it became clear the focus of this dist
rict was on commercial growing. I didn't have the sort of botanical knowledge to identify what was being grown, but I could make a few educated guesses. Mostly food, probably.

  Finally, I found a divided road, which meant it was an avenue. I knew it'd lead to one of the two major roads in the city, and from there, I could find my way anywhere. I continued to keep my head down, hoping that, with a ratty cloak and four bags weighing me down, I looked like a guy who was down on his luck. And hopefully not an elf. Currently the prime suspect in the death of the Emperor was an elf — wrongly accused, I might add — so I knew it was a potential issue.

  There were definitely more guards on the road, and not all of them were wearing the city uniform. I’d seen enough vigilante groups in Glaton for that to make me nervous. On the other hand, it was possible that private guards were hired to keep the greenhouses safe. Minor problem with greenhouses, not exactly easily defensible. I’d heard something about throwing stones.

  I got a lot of hard stares as I walked, but no one said anything. The increased guard presence was unnerving, but it also seemed to be keeping monsters off the streets, so my walk felt somewhere in the neighborhood of safe. When I reached the Via Principalis, there were just City Guard everywhere — I couldn't walk more than ten feet without stumbling into one.

  Having the increased guard presence gave me the relative security to finally sort through all the notifications I’d received. Dying a bunch of times in a row tended to create a bit of a backlog of notifications.

  Death.

  Death.

  Death.

  Lots of deaths. And after each death, I got notifications about the guild.

  Congratulations, sort of. You are the last remaining member of the Biscuit’s Union. Therefore, you are the de facto leader of the Biscuit’s Union. You have unlocked the following abilities: Invite and initiate members. Change roles. Change names. Change dues. Change abilities. Change bonuses. Remaining Guild points to spend: 0