Merry Little Lies

by Addison Lloyd

  “No,” I laughed. “He didn't tell me it was fake, but when I asked him if there was any reason I shouldn't kiss him—”

  “You kissed him?”

  “Weren’t you watching us out the window?”

  She waved her hand. “I mean before today.”

  “Yes. Do you want to hear this or not?”

  “Shutting up.”

  “Anyway, he told me there was nothing to stop me. I trusted him.”

  “Wait. Hold up. You,” she said. “You trusted someone after knowing them for what? Two days?”

  “I know. So unlike me.”

  She patted my leg. “It's a good thing, bro. You shut yourself away for a while.”

  “I had boyfriends.”

  “Nothing real.”

  “How do you know?” I didn’t want to bring up our years of barely talking, but it seemed relevant.

  “Mom told me. And don’t ask me how she knew. I assume dad.” She grabbed one of her hundreds of pillows and put it behind her back to get comfortable. “I know about Sean.”

  “I don’t want to talk about him.”

  “He was a jerk, Aaron. All he cared about was your money.”

  “It always comes back to that, doesn't it?” I picked up the karate trophy on her desk. I remembered when she got it. Carli was seven. We’d all gone to the match together. One big happy family. Except not always. They were already fighting back then. Did they think we couldn’t hear them through the walls?

  “What happened? I mean you guys were doing great. Well not when you first arrived. But after. When you were making out in the car. Poor Betsy.”

  “Stop.” I smacked her leg. “He gave me a Christmas present.”

  “Was at the tool thing?”

  “Yes.”

  “I wondered who he was buying that for. He refused to say.”

  I shook my head, smiling at the memory. And of the kiss afterwards. “Then I gave him a present. And ruined everything.”

  “What did you give him? Please tell me it wasn't expensive.”

  I hung my head. “Yes. I’m an idiot. But to be fair, I didn't know how expensive it was. I didn’t even look.”

  “Please, please, tell me you didn't say that to him.”

  The plaque on the trophy had started to wear, but I could still read Carli’s name on it. I couldn’t look at her. I felt so stupid.

  “Aaron.”

  My eyes snapped to her face.

  “You’re going to break that.” She grabbed the trophy from my hands, polished the name plate with her shirt, and put it out of my reach. “Do you know how hard things are for Ce and his family?”

  “Yes.”

  “I don't think you do. You've never had to experience it. I don't mean that as a put down, Aaron. I'm not saying because you have money you’ve never suffered. Obviously, that's not true. It’s also not true that you haven't suffered because of money. Because we both have. Money tore our family apart. But it's different when you don't know if you're going to have food to eat or a place to live.”

  “Surely, it’s not that bad,” I said. “But I could see by Carli's face that it was or at least it had been. I didn’t like the thought of Cian or his mom or his gran suffering. I wanted to protect him. “What about you guys? You could have helped.”

  “If you think Cian would accept anything from us, then you’re not paying attention.”

  She was right. He hated accepting money from me.

  Carli touched my arm. “Hey, we did try. He’s proud. And determined to not need anyone.”

  “It could never work out for us.” I said, feeling crushed.

  “Why? Because our mom and dad couldn't make it work? Because you’ve had poor taste in men in the past?”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “It is. It can be. You guys are completely different people. That's true. But it’s not a bad thing. Relationships take work. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want, Aaron. You have to stand up for yourself and make that choice not to be like out parents.”

  “What if it still doesn't work?”

  Carli threw her legs over the side of the bed. Leaning in, she put both her hands on the sides of my face and grinned. “But my sweet idiot brother,” she said. “What if it does?”

  ~~~

  Jade had the seat reclined all the way as he stretched his legs out. His hair, once again undone, hung over the back of the seat. “Did it help?”

  I could feel his eyes on me, and I chanced a look. “What?”

  “Sharing your feelings?”

  “Undecided.”

  “Really?” He frowned. “So, all the hype about opening up to someone is just that? Hype?”

  “You are such a cynic, Jade.”

  “Gee. I wonder how I got that way?”

  I shrugged. “It helped. Some. Carli and I are closer now. But I’m still not sure about Cian. I want to try to work it out, but…” I shrugged again. Ugh.

  “Has he texted you?”

  “No.”

  “You could text him.”

  “I don’t even know what to say. Sorry I’m a jerk?”

  “That’s a very good start.”

  “Sorry I bought you an expensive painting. Sorry your family’s poor and mine’s not.”

  “Oh, honey, I would not go with any of that.”

  “I know, okay?” I said, my voice getting louder. I banged my hand on the steering wheel. “I’m not an idiot.”

  “You’re yelling at me. That is not okay.”

  I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to relax. “I’m sorry, Jade.”

  He squeezed my leg. “Just don’t let it happen again.” I could hear the smile in his voice, and I knew we were okay.

  “Suggestions? What would Jade do?” This is something we did all the time. When Jade was getting in trouble left and right, I’d ask him to think what would Aaron do? And if I was being to overprotective and controlling, he’d say, “Now what would Jade do?”

  “Jade would date three different guys at a time so as not to get too attached to any one of them. It also lets them know, it isn’t, and will not be, serious.”

  “Okay, not doing that. And one day Jade, you’re going to find a guy who messes you up inside.”

  “Stop talking like that or I’m putting my earbuds in and ignoring you for the rest of the trip.”

  I laughed, knowing he’d do it. I loved to tease him about it, but I wasn’t sure Jade would ever commit to anyone.

  ~~~

  We had Christmas brunch at Jade’s house with his mom Suzz--as she insisted I call her--and Ted. I meant Dan. The brunch involved breakfast food, delicious pastries, and Mimosas for the adults. Jade and I had orange juice.

  Their home was more like a mansion. The whole place gleamed with white furniture and shiny surfaces. It reminded me of the white walls of the Art gallery. A canvas for the interesting and gorgeous things inside.

  Suzz still carried herself like a famous television star-turned-performer, even though it had been years since she was in front of a camera or on a stage. She sparkled like a jewel and looked like an angel. And she had everyone, especially guys, hanging on her every word like a queen holding court.

  Jade carried himself in the same way as his mom and had the same effect on people. I’d been in awe of both mother and son when I first met them. But that was years ago. Now they were family.

  While Suzz was distracted by her new boyfriend, I begged Jade to go with me to Aunt Kay’s for Christmas dinner.

  “I don't understand why you're going,” he said. “You've seen her once this year and that’s usually your limit.”

  “I promised my dad I’d go. He went by himself last year.”

  “Well, it is his sister.” Jade stretched his legs out, placing them in my lap

  “You do get that my whole family will be there, right?”

  Jade rolled his eyes. “Not your whole family.”

  “On my dad’s side.”

  “That’s not
what you said.” He wiggled his legs, and I ignored his silent request. “Do you want me to repeat back to you—”

  “I can’t just pretend they don’t exist.” I gave in, rubbing his calves and loosening the bunched-up muscles. Jade had killer legs.

  “Why not?”

  I pushed his legs off my lap and turned my chair to face.

  “Fine,” he said making a noise in the back of his throat. “You can’t pretend they don’t exist, but why am I involved again?”

  “I don't want to go by myself.” I’d pushed the thing with Cian to the back of my mind, but it was easier when I had a distraction.

  “Ehhh…” he tilted his head. “That’s thin.”

  “I need reinforcements,” I said. “I need you.”

  “Closer. Try again.”

  I sighed. “I’m in a vulnerable place right now with a broken heart.”

  His eyes softened for just a second. “He still hasn’t texted you?”

  I shook my head. “Just Merry Christmas.”

  “It’s something. Did you text him?”

  “Just Merry Christmas. I don’t know what else to say to him.” And what was the point? But I didn’t say that to Jade.

  Jade stood up, his hands on his hips. “Maybe start with ‘I’m fucking sorry’?”

  “Sure, I could say that but I’m not,” I said, looking over at Suzz and her boytoy. They giggled, heads close together, but I didn’t really see them. Cian’s shocked face when he read that note, played over and over in my head. That was when it fell apart. I crossed my arms, staring up at Jade. “I’m sorry it hurt him, but I’m not sorry for giving him the painting.”

  “Ugh. All this teenage angst is making me break out in hives” He shook his hands out. “And my skin is delicate.”

  “So, you’ll go with me?”

  He thought about it for a minute. “Any closeted cute gay boys at this party that I can torture?”

  “Most of my cousins are male so I’d say you had about a one-in-eight chance of finding one that’s gay.”

  “But you don’t know for sure?”

  “No,” I said. “It’s not something we bring up at Christmas dinner.”

  “Shame.” The wicked gleam in his eyes scared me.

  “I’d tell you to behave but I'm just glad you're helping me.”

  My dad was harder to convince.

  But he did agree that we could take two vehicles. I wanted to be able to leave if things got too crazy or my aunt said something particularly offensive, which was actually likely to happen.

  “You guys are going to be somewhat on time, right?” My dad was leaving before us.

  “Yes, dad.” We’d already talked about the importance of timeliness. Endlessly.

  He pulled on his coat. “And um…” He sighed throwing up his hands. “Jade isn’t wearing a dress, is he?”

  “It wasn’t a dress. It was a man-skirt. There's a difference.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  I didn’t really know. Except Jade likes calling them man-skirts. “I know you're worried about Aunt Kay,” I said, “but I really want Jade to come. And I’m not going to be the one to step all over his style.”

  “You’re right.” He slipped on his gloves and grabbed the Banana Cream Pie Mrs. Baker made for us to take. I ignored how that made me think of Cian. “Sometimes Kay's parties need a little bit extra something in them,” Dad said. And then he winked. My dad actually winked.

  Maybe being around mom and Carli is good for him. He seemed more like himself lately. Like he was before the split. Before the fights.

  I picked Jade up at his house. His mom and Dan were playing the piano and singing Christmas songs.

  “I think it’s unfair of me to take you away from all this.”

  Jade glared at me. “She’s usually not this far gone until after seven on Christmas night.”

  “Whose idea was the Mimosas?”

  “Ted.”

  “You mean, Dan?”

  “I mean Ted,” Jade said. He suggested it, not realizing he wouldn’t last until Christmas.”

  “Ouch. Poor guy.”

  His mom’s laugh rang through the house.

  “Let’s go.” Jade grabbed his coat and his bag. “Aunt Kay is looking better and better.”

  “You say that now.”

  Jade was glammed up in metallic gold pants that fit like they were painted on and a matching (at least it matched) darker gold and black short sleeved shirt with a white button up underneath. I wasn’t sure dad would love it, but at least it wasn’t a dress, I mean man-skirt.

  I wondered how Cian was doing this Christmas. I broke down and finally texted him a Merry Christmas text. So far, I hadn’t received anything back. What if I’d already blown it? What if I hadn’t? I wasn’t sure which was better at this point.

  “Stop that.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “I know that look. You’re thinking sad little thoughts, that turn into bigger thoughts until suddenly it's this huge mountain of crap you can't get past.”

  I stared at him for a second.

  “What? I go to therapy,” Jade said.

  “You hate talking about your feelings.”

  “No. I hate talking about your feelings.”

  Aunt Kay's was exactly how it was every other time I'd been there. The house was beautiful. Decorated even more so than it had been the night at the gala. Who needed five Christmas trees in their house?

  I imagined seeing it from Cian’s eyes. The extravagance. The arrogance. And yet he hadn’t let any of that intimidate him. If he could be that strong, why couldn’t I?

  I introduced my family to Jade. My aunt’s lips pursed tight, glancing down her nose at him. But she didn’t say a word. The rest of the group had mixed reactions. Some of my cousins nodded to him, some of the younger one stared, and some looked decidedly uncomfortable. I was surprised to find Mark was one of those. He’d always been one of my favorite cousins and he’d never treated me any different. I wasn't sure what Mark’s problem was, but Jade noticed it, too.

  “So, Mark. Is that with a C like Marc Anthony or with a CK.”

  “CK.”

  “Oh good. I like that better. So many, many of those good words all end in CK. You know the ones I mean?”

  Oh my God. I couldn’t even be mad. It was my idea for him to come.

  Mark blushed.

  “You know, like luck and truck and ...”

  “Sock?” he said, finally, a little smile on his face.”

  “Yes. Exactly. I knew you would get it.”

  Thankfully, nobody else was around. They’d all wandered off, curious about the new person until it wasn't interesting anymore.

  Whatever this was going on now was definitely interesting to Mark. Maybe I didn't know everything about my cousin.

  “What about Poke?” Jade said to him.

  “Poke?” Mark said. “There's no C.”

  I rolled my eyes. Did he really step right into that one?

  “You are so right,” Jade said, shaking his head. “What was I thinking? We need the C. I need the C.” He gave him an innocent look that deceived absolutely no one. Jade was really pouring it on. If Mark was gay, he didn’t have a chance. And maybe even if he wasn’t.

  “Um..I..um...” Mark cleared his throat as he turned away. “I need, I mean, I should go check on my mom.”

  I shook my head at my friend.

  “He left in a hurry.”

  I raised my eyebrows at Jade. “Proud of yourself?”

  “Immensely.” But his answer lacked his usual enthusiasm as he watched Mark walk away.

  I was still full from brunch and this was a late lunch slash early dinner. The table exploded with food. More than we could all possibly eat, and I thought about the waste. I’d never really considered it before. Did that make me clueless or an entitled asshole? I had a feeling I knew which one Cian would pick.

  “You really should have been at the gala, Richard.” Aunt
Kay said. “It was spectacular, and we raised a lot much needed money for the Youth Arts Project. I want to thank you for your contribution of course.”

  “It's a good cause…” He paused as if he was going to say more and then shoved mashed potatoes in his mouth.

  I glanced over at Jade to see if he’d noticed but he was attacking his food. Not actually eating it, just stabbing it over and over. He looked up, his eyes straying to Mark, and then over at me.

  I raised an eyebrow in question, but he scowled and returned to his food. And for a second, I thought I saw a blush on his cheeks. Huh. Interesting.

  The food tasted amazing and I forced myself to eat a few more bites so as not to waste it. Aunt Kay continue to tell us how amazing her nonprofit foundation was and of course, giving herself a lot of the credit.

  “We’ve helped so many youth in our community, and we’re on board to do even better things next year.”

  “What about the one’s you’re not helping?”

  Everyone stopped eating to stare at my dad. It was almost comical how many forks were suspended in midair waiting to reach their goal.

  “Excuse me?” Aunt Kay said.

  “What about the children whose lives you destroyed?”

  Oh my God. What is happening? I stared at my dad in disbelief. His face was hard, and he glared at my aunt. His sister. I forgot that sometimes. I’d never heard Aunt Kay’s house this quiet before.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” she said, her voice sounding wounded.

  “Let's face it. Some of your past charities haven’t been that charitable.”

  Jade's eyes slid to me and then back to my dad. “What?” he mouthed, but I shook my head.

  Hell if I knew what this was about. He’d never really spoken out against Aunt Kay before, even during the whole thing with my mom. Maybe something snippy here or there, but this felt like more of an attack.

  “Dad?” I said, “Are you sure this is the discussion we want to have at Christmas dinner? Maybe we could, you know, attack each other after Christmas.” Why was I the voice of reason?”

  “I for one would like to hear what you have to say. Richard.”

  If she expected him to back down, she was wrong. He seemed to get taller in his chair. “I noticed you’re supporting a handful of political and religious organizations that are advocating for conversion therapy.”