Merry Little Lies

by Addison Lloyd

  “You can’t close yourself off when things get hard. What happened with our sweet Teddy was tragic. An experience like that can test any relationship. But no one gets through it the same. Grief changes people, Ce,” she said. “And afterwards, they sometimes don't fit back together the same.”

  “You’re talking about Mom and dad.”

  “I am. And I think you should give your lad a chance.”

  “What if it doesn't work out?”

  “It probably won't.”

  “Gran,” I said staring at her. “That's not what you're supposed to say.”

  “What are you now, sixteen?”

  “Seventeen.”

  She winked at me. “Just seeing if you remembered. So, you’re seventeen. And you’re going to meet many fine lads in your lifetime. Maybe you meet the one at seventeen and maybe you don't. But you'll never know unless you try. And you're not a quitter. Are you, Ce?”

  “No. I’m not a quitter.”

  She put her arm around me and pulled me close. “I had a feeling about this boy.”

  “You barely know him.” And the irony wasn't lost on me. I barely knew him either.

  “Anyone that can get you painting and smiling again, is fine by me.”

  The doorbell rang and everybody turned to look at each other. We weren’t expecting anyone else. It could be dad, but it seemed unlikely he’d just show up.

  “Why don't you answer it?” Gran said.

  I stood up, wondering for a second if it was Aaron.

  But when I opened the door, Jade stood there, his smile bright. He looked festive and cute in gold metallic, and I shook my head. Not everyone could pull that off. But he was beautiful in an angelic sort of way, and I had a sudden urge to sketch the graceful lines of his face.

  “Hey there, cutie,” he said.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. Was he flirting with me? “Hi.”

  “Hope you all are enjoying your Christmas.” He was still smiling but his eyes were guarded.

  “We were.” I said.

  “Oh, Ce.” He laughed. “Can I call you, Ce? I love how sassy you are.”

  “Can I help you, Jade?” I said, trying to get to the point of his visit. And then I noticed the Land Rover parked on the street. “Is Aaron here?”

  “Yes. He wanted me to knock on the door first.”

  “Is he afraid to face me?”

  “No. Well, a little. He was worried you didn't want to see him, and he didn't want to impose on your Christmas morning.” He rolled his eyes. “He’s such a…”

  “Boy Scout.” Cian said.

  “Yes. What is up with that anyway?” He glanced around the room, giving a little wave to my family.

  I didn’t even turn around. “Focus, Jade.”

  “Right. Aaron would like a few minutes of your time, if that would be possible,” he said, as if he’d rehearsed it. Then he added, “Please don't say no. He’s so sad. And it’s annoying.”

  My pulse jumped up. Was I really going to do this?

  “Fine.” I grabbed my jacket from the hall tree and turned back in time to see Jade give Aaron a thumbs up.

  “You don't mind if I come in do you? Something smells amazing in here.” And in true Jade fashion, he sang the last word.

  “Come on in laddie.” my gran said, leading him in and introducing him to the rest of the family.

  I walked out the door, into the cool air. Aaron was leaning against the car with his arms crossed, and he looked ridiculously cute. He gave a little wave which was even cuter. I had to remember why I was upset. I wanted to work with out, more than anything. But I couldn’t ignore what happened.

  His face was serious, and I realized he might not be here to make up with me. Maybe he was going to tell me it wouldn’t work out. But that was ridiculous. Why would he come all this way to break my heart? I took a steadying breath as I reached him. There was only one way to find out.

  SIXTEEN:

  AARON

  Jade teased me for insisting he go first, but I didn't want to ruin Cian's Christmas. There was a really good chance he didn’t want to see me. And here I was at his door with his family right there. I didn't want to impose. We’d texted Merry Christmas, just enough to keep the lines of communication going, but it wasn’t like the other day when we could barely wait for each other to text back.

  He frowned as he stepped outside, the light snow clinging to his face. I waved, not sure what else to do. His answering smile gave me hope.

  The snow had melted enough to cover the ground in slush. Cian picked his way through to the street, avoiding the messiest parts.

  Cian stopped on the curb, so he stood a little taller than me. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas.” I enjoyed being the same height for once. I could see right into his beautiful green eyes. “Are you having a good day?”

  “Yeah, I actually am,” he said, sounding surprised.

  “Great.” I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about that. I was thrilled he was having a good Christmas. His last Christmases had been shit. But, and I felt guilty about this, did that mean he didn't miss me? That he wasn't upset about our fight. I shook my head.

  “How about you?” he asked.

  “Not really.” Should I have lied? I didn’t want to ruin his Christmas. But I was here for a reason.

  “Oh.” He studied the car behind me, and I worried he might bolt at any second.

  I took a deep breath. “Actually, parts of it were fun in a weird sort of way.”

  “Oh?” Cian said and then laughed. “I do know other words.”

  I smiled. He was too cute. “Jade and I went with dad to Aunt Kay’s for Christmas.”

  “Jade went with you?”

  “Yes.” Now it was my turn to avoid his eyes. I kicked at the curb. “I didn’t want to go by myself. So, I begged him to go.”

  “I’m surprised he agreed.”

  The warmth in his voice brought my head back up. Maybe he didn’t think I was pathetic. “He was hoping to turn some straight boys.”

  “He was dressed for it,” he said with a laugh. “That outfit is wow. Did he have any luck finding any?”

  And just like that we were smiling at each other, laughing over Jade’s escapades. His eyes bright and so very green. A sprinkle of freckles across his nose. And it hit me how much I missed him. “Maybe. Surprisingly.”

  “I would have loved to see your aunt’s reaction. To his outfit,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Not to him outing gay boys.”

  “My dad actually told my aunt off. At dinner.”

  “Oh my gosh. Really?”

  “Really,” I said, touching the sleeve of his jacket, just to establish a connection. “You should have seen it, Ce. He called her on her homophobic crap. It was amazing. But I couldn’t enjoy it until after we’d left.”

  “Because you don't like confrontation?”

  I sighed, looking away. “Yeah.”

  “Is that why you wouldn’t talk to me?”

  I swallowed. I hated this. But having Cian mad at me was worse. “I didn’t want either of us to say something we’d regret.”

  “I already regret everything I said.”

  His cheeks were red like he was embarrassed, but he’d done nothing wrong. I touched his face so he’d look at me. “You shouldn't, Ce. It was my fault. I wasn't thinking.”

  “I overreacted.”

  ‘No. You didn't. I should have explained it better.”

  He smiled and the world seemed brighter. “Now’s your chance.”

  “Really?”

  “Let's see what you got.”

  I’d practiced what I’d say on the way over. In my head, not out loud. No way was I giving Jade that kind of ammo. He’d probably tape me and throw it on my Instagram. Although, Jade had been acting weird since we’d left. Getting quiet and scowling at his phone. The point was now my brain decided to stop working, and I couldn’t remember the words I’d worked so hard to get right. Ugh.

  Cian
tilted his head, watching me.

  I breathed in and out to calm my nerves. “My dad donated a lot of money to the gala. I mean a lot. That's one thing I've got to say for my dad, he always wants to help others.” I realized then what I’d said. “I'm sorry this is awkward.”

  “Aaron, it's fine. Don't worry about hurting my feelings.”

  “But that’s the last thing I want to do.”

  He motioned for me to go on.

  “Okay. So, he donated all this money and as usual my aunt told him he could have anything. Any painting or sculpture or anything they had.” I kicked the curb again, knocking off an icy clump. “He always lets me choose.”

  “Wow.”

  “I know. I get that I'm privileged.”

  “No, Aaron.” He took my hand. “I’m just thinking, you could have picked any of those amazing works of art…” He stopped, blinking back tears. “And you chose this one because I liked it.”

  “Because we liked it.”

  “I'm an ass.”

  “You’re not.”

  “I still feel like it's too much,”

  “Listen, Ce. I like art, but I don't appreciate it the way you do. I want you to have it. On one condition.”

  “You’re making conditions?” His eyes crinkled up.

  “Yup.”

  “Okay. Let’s hear what you’ve got.”

  “You let me come over and look at it, whenever I want.”

  “Really? Anytime you want?”

  “Within reason. And prior consent.”

  Cian shakes his head. “I still can't believe your dad stood up to your aunt.”

  “It made me realize something,” I said, taking Cian’s other hand. His hands were a bit cold, so I rubbed my thumb across his knuckles, trying to warm them up. I tilted my head and pushed back on that insecurity inside of me. Dad had stood up for me and Jade. And it didn’t involve yelling or fighting. Just being honest and open. “Some things are worth fighting, Ce.” I squeezed his hands. “You're worth fighting for.”

  “My turn to admit something,” he said. “I let you go because I was scared. I don’t think I can take another heartbreak.”

  My heart panicked, jumping onto triple time. Was he saying he couldn’t do this?

  “But you put yourself out there,” Cian said. “Not knowing how it would go. For me. And that's what means the most to me.”

  “We’re both kind of messed up.” I watched his face. His eyes could tell a story all on their own.

  “But we’re still young.” He gave me a crooked grin.

  “And smart.” I added.

  “And we had the best teachers around,” Cian said.

  “We did?” I asked, confused. “What teachers?”

  He threaded our fingers together and pulled me closer. “Our parents have shown us exactly what not to do. If we do the opposite, we should be golden.”

  “I like that plan.” And for a moment, the excitement and anticipation, and maybe a little fear that I would still screw this up overwhelmed me.

  “Don't worry.” He touched my forehead and ran his finger across the crease to smooth it out.

  “Not worrying is something I am not good at.”

  “We’re going to screw this up, Aaron.”

  “Not what I wanted to hear.”

  “But It’s okay. Because the goal isn’t to not mess up. The goal is to learn how to fix it when we do.”

  A heaviness in my chest started to ease, just a bit, so that breathing was easier. All this pressure I put on myself to get it right.

  And I remembered growing up, trying to be perfect-the perfect son, brother, student-anything to keep them from fighting. Anything to make it easier for my sister.

  “Where did you go?” He tapped the side of my head.

  “Just thinking of my parents and how hard I’ve tried to please them. And then this cute guy, I mean really cute, that I’ve only known for a week is telling me, I don't need to be perfect all the time.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No, don’t be. I want to be that guy. The one who doesn’t have all the answers and that’s okay. But it's not going to be easy for me.”

  “You work on not fixing everything, and I’ll work on not tearing everything down.

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  So, I do have one question …” he said, his voice serious. Then he nodded toward the house. “Do we have an audience?”

  I glanced at the house. Jade was holding the curtain open and more than a few faces peeked out. “Yeah. Is that the question?”

  “No.” He backed me up against the car and stepped off the curb. Putting his hands on my waist, he pulled me closer, tilting his face up. “My question is, are you ever going to kiss me?”

  I touched his face, tracing my thumbs over his cheeks, pink from the cold. He bit his lip, drawing my attention, and I couldn’t wait any longer to taste him again.

  The kiss was sweet and tentative. He tasted like snow and promise.

  SEVENTEEN:

  CIAN

  His lips brushed softly against mine. Hesitant. Did he think I would reject him? I stood on my tiptoes to press into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his waist.

  I wanted to eliminate any doubts he had. I craved his attention. His need to protect me. I’d been wrong about him. His aloofness wasn’t arrogance or because he thought he was better than me or richer than me. It was caution because he didn’t want to get hurt again. I was all in — scared -– but willing to risk it. I told him with a kiss, what I couldn’t put into words.

  He pulled back but only for a second. Then he kissed me again and again. Light kisses, like he couldn’t get enough of me. Of us. I felt protected and cared for, and my defensive shields weakened just a bit more. I didn't always have be the strong one.

  I wanted to pull him closer and never stop kissing him, but the snow was falling harder now. And we were standing on the street. In front of my house. I pulled away resting my forehead against his and tried to remember how to breathe.

  “Thank you,” I said quietly.

  “For what?”

  “Not giving up on me.” My emotions felt raw, like new skin. Healed but still sensitive to every touch, leaving me vulnerable. But I trusted Aaron and that felt amazing and scary at the same time.

  He released me and stepped back and then started laughing.

  Was he laughing at me? But he was looking past me. Turning my head, I could see Jade standing in the window clapping. And, it seemed, encouraging everyone else to join in.

  “Can I murder your friend?”

  “That’s a normal feeling,” he said with a chuckle. “You’ll get used to it.”

  The certainty in that statement took my breath away. Not that I’d get used to Jade. I didn’t see that happening any time soon. But that I’d get the chance. That this, whatever it was, would last.

  “Are you ready to go inside and face them?”

  “Do we have to?” Aaron’s shoulders slumped. “This is nice, just the two of us.” He squeezed my arms.

  “It’s only going to get worse the longer we wait.” I grabbed his hand and led him to the door, like a reluctant puppy. Happiness bubbled through me. We hadn't gone on a first date yet, but I might just have a boyfriend.

  Once we stepped inside Jade started the clapping all over again. I took a bow because that was what you did. I heard whistles but I couldn’t pinpoint where they came from. I suspected my sister. Or my gran.

  Aaron glanced around the room, avoiding everyone’s eyes. I squeezed his hand for support. He smiled down at me, and I heard a sigh from the side of the room my sister was on.

  “So good to see you again, Aaron.” My gran stepped forward to take charge. I was glad someone did. “Come on in and meet everyone and then we can have tea.”

  Gran introduced him, which was a relief. At this point my mind was mush and remembering my own name was difficult.

  After everyone had a chance to meet him, Gran excused herself to get the te
a. I jumped up. Helping Gran with tea was something I always did.

  “Here, let me do it,” Aaron said. “Go ahead and relax.”

  “No, I’m fine…” But my heart rate spiked. I stood on the edge of the precipice wondering if I could jump. Could I do this? Let someone else take care of me, for a change. It doesn’t make me weak. But convincing my brain was another story.

  “Cian? Are you okay?” my sister asked.

  All eyes were on me. I nodded. “Perfect,” I said, smiling at Aaron. “I would like to relax, actually. Thanks. Just remember…” I nodded toward the kitchen. “Name, rank, and serial number. Nothing more.”

  “Gotcha.” He mocked a salute and followed Gran.

  When I turned back, all eyes were still on me. More than a few mouths were open. “What?”

  “Nothing,” Mom said, but her eyebrows almost reached her hairline.

  Everyone shuffled around, mumbling, but I ignored them and sat back on the couch. I knew what they were thinking. I never accepted help. Not without complaining.

  Conversations started back up again, with Jade entertaining everyone of stories about his mom. I didn’t realize she was the Suzette Starr. It kind of explained a lot.

  “And then at the end of that day of shooting, she left with her publicist and agent discussing the next month’s projects and it wasn’t until they were in the car that she remembered what she’d forgotten to take with her.”

  “What was it?” Emily asked.

  “Me.”

  “She forgot her own child?” Her hand flew to her mouth. “I’m so sorry!”

  Jade waved his hand. “No worries. In her defense,” he said. “She had an assistant who usually made sure I was where I was supposed to be. But she’d gone home sick. I don’t remember it. I was only three or four, but my mama loves to tell that story.”

  I watched the doorway to the kitchen waiting for Aaron and Gran to appear. It didn’t take this long to get the tea ready. Was she giving him the same talk she gave me? Now, Aaron, this probably won’t work out, but you’re young so you’ll bounce back perfectly fine. I covered my face with my hands. She wouldn’t, would she? But I already knew the answer to that.