Risa made a wry face. “Some introduction.”
“I don’t know.” Finally catching her breath, El smiled. “Where I come from, we usually make friends while shooting plates with rifles.”
With a snort, Risa shook her head. “You’re not from around here, are you?”
“North Carolina.”
“You guys scrap a lot down south? That was a nice move.”
“No. My first girl fight, actually.”
Maddy dropped the wad of bloody cloths into the trash can and donned a sweatshirt from her bag to cover the spattered clothing. “I coulda handled it.”
Without missing a beat, Risa rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but did you want to have a skull afterward? Don’t be a bitch, Mads. Just say thank you.”
As if she couldn’t stand the idea of owing anyone anything, Maddy crossed her arms. “Thanks. This doesn’t make us friends.”
“Sure as hell don’t make us enemies,” Risa remarked smartly. As they followed Maddy to the door, she leaned over and patted El on the back. “Don’t mind her. She’s always grumpy. Her situation is pretty shitty.”
“And yours?”
“Also, pretty shitty, but I have a sense of humor.”
“Mine is too.”
Risa shot her a look. “No! You mean this isn’t just something you do for fun?”
El sat on the sectional sofa in the common room with her knees drawn up to her chest and tears in her eyes. Risa had framed her tale in a darkly comedic way, but it was too horrible to be funny. Her mother had become addicted to drugs and had turned to prostitution to pay for it, until she’d suddenly stopped coming home.
“I called her the invisible woman for about six weeks. Ate school lunches until they ran out. Then the landlord found out she’d gone AWOL and called CPS. I dunno. I didn’t like the foster home. The woman made us do chores for food. And we weren’t allowed to have stuff. You know? No personals.”
El thought of her bag, full of nothing but the things Riley had helped her buy and a few scraps of paper. She thought of her bedroom full of all the things her mother thought she ought to own, none of it important to her. Her only personal possession was the blog and if anyone tried to take that from her . . .
“I couldn’t tell anyone,” El whispered. “My mom is . . . she’s kind of famous and no one would believe me. The things she does . . . she keeps them hidden. Not even my sister would vouch for me, because we’re treated differently.”
Maddy had been silent, staring at the ground as if lost in her own thoughts. Suddenly, her eyes lifted, filled with righteous fury. “She didn’t stand up for you?”
“She’s . . .” El shrugged. “It’s not her. My mom just decided I was the one she needed to break, I guess.”
“Is she older than you?”
“Yes.”
“Then she should have fucking stuck up for you.”
A bit taken aback by her vehemence, El set her pillow aside. “My mom would tear her down too.”
“So what?” Maddy crossed her arms. “She’s your sister! That’s what they’re supposed to do!”
El took a deep breath and resolved something in that moment, as the words came out of her mouth. “Maybe . . . but to me it’s fine. I’m stronger than her, I think. I’m the one protecting her from the worst of it. The age doesn’t matter, I guess.”
Maddy was shivering. “Older kids gotta do for the littler ones. That’s how it’s supposed to be!”
Risa shifted uncomfortably. “Maddy’s mom is in the hospital. Her little brother is in foster care around here. They don’t let her see him.”
El’s mouth fell open. “They can do that?”
Maddy shrugged angrily. “We don’t have any rights! I don’t have a lawyer to go in and ask for visitation. No judge would ever let me see him, since I ain’t got a house or a job.”
“But . . .” El looked up at the ceiling in astonishment. She’d never considered that children would be kept from each other. It was unthinkable. “Why . . . how did you two become separated?”
Maddy looked as if she was about to rip out her own braids. “What do you mean, how? They just come and take him, that’s how!”
“It’s okay, Mads. She doesn’t know.” Risa put a hand on her arm and squeezed. “Her mom can’t take care of them. She’s got moved to a hospital in LA. Maddy is too old for foster care. She doesn’t have a high school diploma because she left to take care of him. Getting a job without one and living out of a shelter is almost impossible.”
“There aren’t . . . any programs?”
“Bitch!” Maddy strangled a pillow. “You think anybody is going to give me a chance? I don’t know how to do any of that shit. Ain’t no one sit down with me and teach me to read! The letters don’t make any sense. My daddy in prison, my mom . . . dying! Nobody cares.”
Risa sighed, her humor finally dried up. “She’s waiting for her brother to age out.”
“I walk him to school sometimes, when they ain’t around to see us. We got it all planned out. He’s gonna get that diploma, and then he’s gonna go to college, and we gonna live together and help each other. I gotta just wait.”
The horror of it all grew in El’s mind until she could see others she knew experiencing it. Riley’s life could so easily have been mapped onto this girl’s. If things had been timed even a little differently, Riley could have been sleeping in places like this, eating peanut butter and waiting for clean socks to be donated.
“Your mother . . . does she know where you are?”
“She fucking sent me.” Maddy wiped tears from her eyes. “I haven’t talked to her in a long time. I don’t even know if she’s alive.”
“She has some kind of liver thing,” Risa muttered.
“You haven’t . . . called her?”
“I don’t know nobody with a phone. Shelter don’t let us call long-distance.”
Stricken mute, El stared at Maddy. This girl, whom she’d protected, who had become her friend and given her pointers on survival, was probably going to be trapped on the street forever. Judging by the look on Risa’s face, she knew it too.
El’s first day in a shelter and she’d already met one person whose life seemed impossibly stuck. Society had literally no place for Maddy and didn’t even know she existed. If it was that easy to find one such person, then . . . how many were out there?
All through dinner, the betrayal El felt toward her parents grew. Not just for her mother, but now for her father too. He was someone who could have helped her and he’d ignored it, but he was also someone who could have helped girls like Maddy. The truth was, though, he was busy playing games. He didn’t care about anyone like these people in this shelter. Once they stopped being useful, they stopped existing. And if they bothered to speak up, they were told to somehow make themselves useful first. She’d heard it a dozen times in the last year, at his campaign rallies, her mother nodding in agreement at his back.
In the locker room, El went through the employment applications. All of them required basic skills like making change, using a computer, reading. Some of the questions on them, upon reflection, seemed to be designed specifically to exclude people who didn’t have their own cars, or who couldn’t afford to clean a uniform every day. All of them asked for a social security number or a residential address.
Sitting on the long bench, El barely withstood a wave of hopelessness. She had what she needed to get her feet beneath her, but only because her family had been white, wealthy, privileged, putting on a show for their peers. But Maddy didn’t even have that. Misery wasn’t a competition, she knew, but El couldn’t help reflect on the embarrassment of her riches, even as she sat there on her borrowed bed mat.
In her invisible moments, El could sense others moving past her, as if she could reach out in the haze and grab a hand. Whenever her mother railed about entitlement, whenever her father argued about welfare programs being a socialist scourge, they were creating more ghosts. Suddenly, what they’d done to her seemed
merely the tip of an iceberg, and El could feel herself slipping into that frozen sea and understanding that she was perhaps the only person who saw what was coming. If someone in a position of power could hurt their own flesh and blood, imagine what they could do to the thousands of lives depending on them.
How many children like Maddy had paid for her sister’s pageants? How many had been dispossessed to buy the possessions she’d just scorned? How many girls like her had been squeezed dry so that she could pay for her adventure?
El couldn’t get warm, even when she stood under scalding water. Even when she slept fitfully twisted in her assigned blanket. Even when she left for the day to meet Oscar.
He was easy to pick out in the crowd, and when she smiled at him, his eyes lit up just as she’d imagined they would. He practically threw himself around her, and held her tightly. But still, she was numb with the chill.
“You’re really here, like an actual person!”
Her laugh fell flat. El walked beside him, letting his string of words stand in for a conversation, while her thoughts continued to mull over possibilities. There had to be a way to help Maddy, to break the cycle. The more she thought about it, the more she realized she knew the answer, but it wasn’t a good one.
Oscar walked her to a park with a huge waterfall. Beneath a tree, he spread out a blanket and began unpacking a small snack. Guacamole and chips, as promised.
“So . . . What’s wrong with you?” He scooped up some dip on a chip and shoved it into her mouth as she attempted to answer. “You come all this way, and I finally get to hug you, and you look like you’re about to cry.”
El was hungry, but she couldn’t pay attention to her appetite. Chewing had a mechanical feel to it and the food was tasteless. “You’re going to think I’ve gone crazy.”
He laughed. It was nice to hear that sound in person. It really did feel as if they’d known each other their entire lives. When he took her hand, she held his happily.
“Okay, so after everything you’ve told me in the past two weeks, what is going to make me think you’re crazy? I mean really? Are you going to tell me you met a faith healer, or like, saw a ghost?”
“I . . .” El looked into his eyes and felt calm suddenly. He was her friend. She didn’t need to put up the barricades, or try to pretend it made sense. The words toppled out with barely a shove. “I’m going to leave.”
His jaw dropped. After a long while, he shook his head. “What are you talking about?”
When she’d finished explaining the situation to him, his expression hadn’t much improved.
“She has to stay here, Oscar. She doesn’t have a choice. And she needs to call her mom. I can’t afford to give her my burner phone. I have to conserve every minute I can. But I can give her the iPhone on my mom’s account.”
“That makes no sense! If she uses it, your mom is going to know where you’ve been!” He let her go and sat back, waving his hands dramatically. “She’ll send those assholes to the shelter! She’ll follow you!”
“I know. That’s why I’ll leave.”
“El . . . Come on! Think about this.” He shook his head imploringly. “If you let her use that phone, your mom’s just going to fuck with her too.”
“Not if she sells it quickly. She can use it to buy a burner or something. She can get a few free calls off in the meantime. I’m going to call my friend Doc to help her. He will. I know he will. And I can get far away. I can keep moving.”
“But you’re here, El! You made it to the end! You don’t have to keep going!”
With a sigh, she reclined on the blanket and stared up into the trees. “I don’t have to, but I’m going to.”
“Just give her your burner phone then and get a new one.”
“I don’t have any money left, Oscar. She panhandles. I know it’s crazy to imagine, but there are people who can’t afford cell phones.”
“I’ll buy you one!”
Smiling ruefully, she looked away. “You don’t have any money either.”
He fell silent. For a moment, she wondered if he was going to come back with another reason why she shouldn’t be stubbornly set on this, but he didn’t. Instead, He tipped back next to her and put his hands behind his head.
“A week ago,” he said softly, “you were afraid of every step you took. Now you’re telling me you want to keep going.”
“She doesn’t even know if her mother is alive, Oscar. I don’t love my mama, but I can’t imagine not knowing if Rose was alive, or wondering if Riley was okay. I can’t imagine what it might feel like to wonder if you were buried in an unmarked grave by strangers.”
When she looked at him, his eyes were closed. Droplets trimmed his lashes in glitter. She rolled and poked his nose with a finger.
“It’s a tiny thing, I know, but I want to do it, and all it costs me is another move. That’s it. I can do that. I can be gone in minutes. I get on a train and I vanish.”
“And then what? You don’t have any money!”
“I have legs. They work pretty well, I’ve discovered.”
“I can get you a ride somewhere, okay? Just tell me where you want to go.”
“Really?”
He nodded.
“North, I guess. One of the girls said that there were forests. I like forests on the beach. That sounds amazing.”
“Okay. I’ll take care of it. Just give me a day,” he said quietly, though he sounded as if he was about to cry.
They spent the rest of the afternoon walking the city. From the waterfront to Chinatown, they roamed, making jokes and talking about life, until it was time for El to return to the shelter. At their parting, he gave her a long embrace and swore to visit her as soon as he was finished with exams.
As she sat on the subway, calmly contemplating her path ahead, a sound drew her to her phone. She’d forgotten about the wi-fi in the tunnels. It was a notification from the blog site telling her she had a new direct message. At the sight of the @hellonaunicycle handle, her stomach lurched.
If you’re giving this Maddy girl the phone, make sure you reset it to factory settings first.
Lips parted in astonishment, El stared at the screen until it went dark. Then in a furious shake, she brought the device back to life and smashed out a reply.
Who are you and how do you know about the phone?
Your friend messaged me.
“Oh my god, Oscar, you doofus.”
The next message appeared with a well-timed bloop. He’s a nice kid. Don’t be hard on him.
In a sudden panic, El looked around. The car was packed with commuters, but no one in particular was looking her way.
Don’t worry. That was a lucky guess. I’m not psychic or anything. And I have no idea where you are, though I’m guessing it’s on public transit, yeah?
How do you know these things?
Simple math, really.
Who are you? El fired back, a frown permanently etched on her forehead. Why are you messaging me?
If you meet me, I’ll tell you.
An address appeared with a corresponding time.
El turned off her phone at once. The train operator announced her stop. El leaped up and practically ran for the escalator. Waiting for her to return from her face-to-face with some guy she’d met on the internet, Risa and Maddy were standing outside.
She slammed into them at full speed, almost breathless. “We have to go! Right now. I need to be in the shelter, now.”
Risa made a face. “Ketchup meatloaf that big a favorite in North Carolina?”
But Maddy knew fear when she saw it, and didn’t hesitate. She cut a path through a crowd of tourists, pulling El by the hand as if they were sisters. When they were safely behind the doors of the shelter, El went straight for her bed. Risa and Maddy insisted on sitting with her. They didn’t even seem surprised when she pulled out a phone and returned to the blog site.
She obviously hadn’t done enough research on the @hellonaunicycle profile. It had to be some ki
nd of trick. A clever way of getting her to let her guard down, but she’d be damned if she did that.
Tell me who you are.
Meet me and I will. Face-to-face.
Why should I?
Because I’ve been following you long enough.
El’s heart was pounding, but it was comforting to think this was just another fan. Lots of people follow me. The blog is popular.
That’s not what I mean, Snow, and you know it. Meet me at that address as soon as you leave tomorrow. Give Maddy the phone first. I’d feel better if you didn’t have it anymore anyway. Your mother is relentless.
El froze. For a brief instant, she dared to hope, but she’d gone a long time without such an emotion. It was almost impossible to remember what it felt like.
This could be a trick.
True. Although, Mama’s more the ‘hire a death squad’ type, you know?
You could be the death squad.
I could be. El read the text bubble in a singsong voice, her skin tingling with goose bumps. But I’m not.
How do I know?
You’re just going to have to trust me. I know where you are. If I wanted you caught, I’d just send someone to get you. But I want you safe. So eat. Sleep. Do your good deed. Then meet me. I’ll be waiting. You want to see the forests? So let’s ride.
There El stood, within grasp, waiting in the ordering line. A few steps away. Even with the ice cream cones around her, El didn’t seem the least bit clued in. This all began with El visiting Sam’s parlor to stare at her and mutter incoherently. Now it seemed like it was going to come full circle, except that Riley was probably going to be tongue-tied.
All she had to do was move. She wanted to, her mind having done this dance so many times in the last few days it had every possible twirl mapped, but she couldn’t. Her legs were numb, her mouth dry. She leaned her forehead against the window and watched El clutch her phone and scan the room.
“Come on, Riley! What the fuck!” she whispered to herself, but even with the encouragement, she couldn’t move.
Love Under Glasse Page 25
