Where were the chicken chunks? Where were the turkey twists or the beefy bites?
WHERE WAS THE MEATY-GIBLET-JUMBLE-CHUM?!
None of my pooch-pack ate a single mouthful of that terrible food…and when we were finally allowed to go off and explore the Spaniel Spa and bubbling pooch pool, we were all too sad to try anything.
This is worse than being called a…a… BAD DOG!! I can’t even bring myself to wag my tail…
By the time dinner came around we were all practically starving, but that meal was even worse! For dinner, the Barking Meadows staff served us lentils and Brussels sprouts! It was terrifying!
Lola panicked with hunger when she saw what we’d been given and started gobbling mouthfuls of the little cabbage balls!
Can you imagine it? A respectable pooch like Lola, forced to eat RABBIT FOOD! If dogs could turn green, I swear she would have at that moment, and now she has serious wind…even for a French bulldog! Poor little Diego was walking behind her, minding his own business, when she let rip and launched him into the air like a tiny canine comet!
It was awful!
He’s having to sleep under his pillow tonight, instead of on top of it…y’know… for safety.
Sunday
7:30 a.m.
Ugh! This is even more dreadful than I thought, my person-pal. I barely got a moment of sleep!
Y’see, the great big Sleep Room with all the doggy-pens might be super comfortable and filled with the most snooze-a-licious blankets and cushions, but every pooch in there was howling like a hungry werewolf for the entire night.
It seems everyone was having bad dreams…
By the time I finally dropped off to sleep it was after 3 a.m., and I was soon having the most gut-wrenching nightmare too! It was a howl-o-rific screamer about being chased by a giant stick of gnashing celery! At first I thought it wanted to eat me…but then I realized: It wanted me to EAT IT!!
Ugh!
8 a.m.
Okay, my furless friend. We’ve been summoned for breakfast. Oldy-baldy George came in and dinged a little bell and now we’re all shuffling off to the Food Room. I’m not going to lie…I’ve never felt so jittery. Never in my whole life have I been nervous about being fed.
I can’t believe Ruff would do this to me. It’s one thing for him to send me—ME, his best, BEST, BESTEST pal in the whole world—to a dog retreat while he goes off to Hollywood, but how could he send me to a place that feeds salad to dogs?
Don’t get me wrong…I know there are plenty of humans who love to gorge on greens, and that’s fine. But to a dog, THIS IS TORTURE!
8:07 a.m.
I can’t cope, my person-pal. My paws are trembling…my belly is gurgling…my nose is dry! If the staff here at Barking Meadows bring out bowls of carrots and lettuce for breakfast, I’m not going to make it. I can feel my life slipping away. Twenty-four hours without the meaty loveliness of dog treats has done strange things to me. Even now I swear I’m seeing things…
8:08 a.m.
Here they come…all those staff-type humans with our morning meal. Please let it be Canine Crispy Crackers! Please let it be Canine Crispy Crackers! PLEASE LET IT BE CANINE CRISPY CRACKERS!!!
8:09 a.m.
GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD! If you ever find this book, please tell my Catch-A-Doggy-Bone pack that I loved them, and I don’t blame them (MUCH) for sending me off to this terrible place to slowly turn into a vegetable-shriveled husk.
Muesli?! I can’t eat MUESLI! What part of a turkey does muesli come from?
And SPINACH?!?!?! I don’t even know what that is, but it’s green. BLEEEUUUUUGGH!!
This is the end! I know it—any minute now I’ll be gone! Suffocated by the stinksome whiff of too much broccoli!
8:10 a.m.
Any minute now…Farewell, my furless friend. It was wonderful knowing you.
8:11 a.m.
Any minute now…
8:12 a.m.
Nearly there…
8:13 a.m.
Hmmm…Why am I still here?
Okay, so maybe broccoli isn’t going to kill me, but I can’t put up with much more of this. Every pooch in this parsnip palace is completely miserable!
Yesterday at dinner I saw a bloodhound eating parsley puffs. PARSLEY PUFFS!! That’s what old George and his grinning, preening cronies have been handing out as treats! Surely that’s criminal!?! They should all be thrown in jail!!
10:27 a.m.
We’re all out on the lawn with a man they call Bob—he was the other guy in the truck yesterday—and a lady called Patty. They keep throwing tennis balls for us to chase after but no one’s in the mood. Not even Odin, and he’s a champion at playing fetch!
11:43 a.m.
I tried to cheer myself up with a trip to the Spaniel Spa to get my tail curled, but no matter how hard the spa-guy tried, it just kept drooping.
1 p.m.
Lunch has just been served…It’s braised lettuce with string beans, my person-pal, and the most terrible thing happened when George put it down in front of me. I’m a little ashamed to say this, but for the briefest of seconds…I…I…I was tempted to try it!!
WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME!?!
The SNACK MASTER, the TERROR OF THE TREAT CUPBOARD, the SUPER SNAFFLER OF SAUSAGES…wanted to eat string beans!! At this rate, I’ll soon be one of those silent staring dogs who shuffle around Barking Meadows. By the time Ruff and Mom-Lady come to collect me, I’ll be a vegetable-zombie! A VOMBIE!!!
8:57 p.m.
Check, check…This is Special Agent Junior reporting for duty.
Can you keep a secret, my furless friend? What am I saying?! Of course you can!
Okay, don’t tell anyone, but my pooch-pack are going to escape from this place. We have to!!
A few hours ago, we had another howl-o-rific and slightly painful incident at dinner. When Betty took one look at the asparagus soup they served us, she got all confused and wobbly and thought Odin’s back leg was a great big chicken drumstick. Before we could stop her, she darted behind the big fella and tried to gnaw on his enormous fluffy rump.
It was Howl Central!
It was in that moment we all knew what had to be done. We can’t wait around this salady shack for a second longer.
Tonight, when all the other canine customers are asleep and howling through their veggie-mares, we’re going to have a SUPER-SECRET pack meeting and cook up a plan to get out of here and back to Hills Village.
I’ll let you know how it goes…
Monday
6:21 a.m.
TODAY’S THE DAY, MY PERSON-PAL!
We stayed up talking long into the night and we’ve come up with lots of terrific plans to get out of this cauliflower castle once and for all. One of them has to work…I just know it…we only have to wait until the coast is clear after breakfast…
9:42 a.m.
BLEEUURRGH! Well, I’m glad that’s over with. George, Bob, and Patty just tried to serve us pumpkin parcels with turnip trifle. GROSS!!!
What I wouldn’t do for a tiny piece of Mom-Lady’s steak surprise that she cooks on special occasions. Sigh! I miss my Catch-A-Doggy-Bone pack…BUT…I don’t have time to think about that right now.
Breakfast is over, which means we have a few hours to try to escape from this mushroom mansion. Here goes…
There’s no way this will fail. It’s foolproof!
10:02 a.m.
Hmmmm…that didn’t quite go to plan. I think we got a bit lost…
10:05 a.m.
Never mind! We’ve got loads of other BARK-TASTIC ideas…
The first idea might have failed, but there’s NO WAY this one will. FREEDOM, HERE WE COME!
11:26 a.m.
GUH!!! Well, that wasn’t a success. We couldn’t get our paws on any Brussels sprouts, but Odin managed to snaffle a load of turnips from this morning’s breakfast. At first it looked as though we might just have lift-off with the help of our farty friend’s amazing powers…
…but it t
urns out turnips aren’t nearly as powerful as sprouts.
We had a watery landing…
12:37 p.m.
Don’t despair, my person-pal. We…errr… we’ll keep trying. I know…well…I think…we can do this…
Hmmm…on second thoughts, that one may not be such a great idea. None of us knows our addresses, and what if we get sent to the wrong place? We could end up being delivered to Carrot-zona, Oklaho-marrow, Tex-asparagus, or Las Vegan!!!
How about…
Maybe not. I know I’m a genius pooch, but those pedals look tricky…and what’s the turny wheely thing at the front for? It seems important.
UGH! There’s got to be a way for us to get out of Barking Meadows.
Think, Junior, think!
3:36 p.m.
I’ve got it, my person-pal! I TOLD YOU I’M A GENIUS POOCH!!
After a disgusting lunch of cress crostinis and a failed attempt at shimmying along the washing line at the back of the building where they dry the staff’s uniforms…
…I was feeling sadder than a basset hound who’s lost his bark, so I plodded off to the bushes at the far end of the ball lawn for a peaceful poop, all by myself. Ever since I was a tiny pup, I’ve found I always get my absolute bestest ideas whenever I’m having a quiet moment doing…well…you know…
AND GUESS WHAT?!
PEACEFUL-POOP-TIME DIDN’T FAIL ME!!
The answer to getting out of Barking Meadows has been right in front of our noses all along. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before!
The only way we’re going to make it out of this healthy hazard-zone is to get every single pooch on the premises to pitch in and help. If we can work like one BIG pack there may be a teensy-weensy chance that all of us—AND I MEAN ALL OF US—can escape this miserable place.
I’ve called an ALL-MUTT meeting by the jungle gym at four o’clock. That’s when George, Bob, Patty, and the rest of the Barking Meadows staff head off to the Back Room to prepare all the vile veggies for our evening meal, so it’s the perfect time to rally the troops.
It’s not going to be easy to break the vombies out of their tomato-trances but I’ve prepared a speech and everything. Now I just hope that everyone shows up…
4:25 p.m.
Oh, sometimes I don’t know why I bother! The moment was perfectly planned! The humans were all distracted! My speech was EPIC!!
I’m not even exaggerating when I say my speech was worthy of a big sparkly award, my person-pal, but guess what—all those unhappy hounds and tortured terriers said…
Not one of the pooches in the crowd had the GET-UP-AND-GO to help us escape this place. They’ve all been eating vegetables for too long and are too far down the road to VOMBIFICATION!
What am I going to do, my furless friend?
I think we might all be doomed…
4:48 p.m.
HA HA! You’ll never believe it! The best thing just happened. Freedom is almost in our grasp!
What?! You didn’t actually think that JUNIOR— WONDER DOG EXTRAORDINAIRE—would just give in, did you?
NEVER!!!
I admit, I was starting to feel like we’d run out of hope when nobody wanted to help with my FANTASTIC escape plans, but a good dog always keeps trying…especially if something is standing between him and his Meaty-Giblet-Jumble-Chum.
So…“What happened?” I hear you ask… Well, I’ll tell you.
I was heading back to the sleeping pens to curl up and have a whimper to myself after my plan failed, when…
It was the most wonderful thing I think I’ve ever sniffed in my entire life…all meaty and greasy and slobber-licious, and it seemed to be coming from the Back Room where the staff were busily preparing our veggie dinners.
Before I could even think about it, my paws were following the delicious scent and…I swear, if you’d been here, my furless friend, you would have screamed with joy and delight when you saw what I saw.
Peeking through a crack in the Back Room door, I saw George tucking into the most enormous burger I’ve ever come across. That’s right! A BURGER!! MY FAVORITE ANIMAL IN ALL THE WORLD!
Barking Meadows may serve only vegetables to its canine customers, but the staff were chomping down on some of the juiciest, most delicious-looking meaty treats I’d ever seen.
After three days of parsley puffs and turnip trifles, I had to bite my tingly tongue just to stop myself from howling!
And, right then, my brain clicked into gear and I knew exactly what I needed to do…
5 p.m.
Check…check…come in…over…
Special Agent Junior is back in business! I feel like an INTERNATIONAL MUTT OF MYSTERY, my person-pal.
George and his cronies have just carried the bowls of veggies into the Food Room for all the unhappy canine customers, but me, Odin, and Lola aren’t in there. We hid behind the big vases in the hallway until the coast was clear and now we’re IN THE BACK-FOODY-PREPARATION ROOM!
I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER BEEN SO EXCITED IN MY LIFE!
Odin is the only one tall enough to reach the handle of the coldy frosty tall thing, and he just yanked the door open…
We have to smuggle this stuff out quick, before the humans come back. A few bites of this beautiful belly-bulging bounty will break the VOMBIFICATION SPELL. Like waking from a bad dream, everyone will suddenly come to their senses and be ready to make their escape.
Yes! We have meat! GO! QUICK!!
8:37 p.m.
Ha ha! I feel like I could cry with joy, my furless friend!
After we made off from the Back Room with our mountain of meat, Odin, Lola, and I stashed everything under the pillows in the pens all around the gigantic Sleep Room.
Once all the vombie pooches had plodded in for their usual night of bad dreams, it didn’t take long for noses to start twitching and bellies to start grumbling.
Then I gave my second award-worthy speech of the night…
…and everyone ate until their tinklish tummies were full and they were grinning from twitching ear to twitching ear.
8:51 p.m.
Here goes, my person-pal. We’ve all had a lump-a-licious feast, and it’s time to hightail it out of here. I’ll let you know how it goes…
Midnight
WE DID IT!!
I can’t believe we escaped from the parsnip prison!! NO MORE VEGETABLE VACATION FOR US!!
You should have been there, my person-pal. It was AMAZING! No! It was more than amazing—IT WAS BARK-TASTIC.
After we feasted, everyone snapped into action stations. It all started with the big red button on the wall by the door…
I’d been staring at it with boredom earlier in the day and I realized I’d seen one just like it back at the Hills Village Dog Shelter.
The horrible warden would press it if anyone tried to sneak out of their cages after hours, and all kinds of chaos would break out.
At that moment, chaos might just be exactly what we needed, so…climbing up onto Odin’s back, I pressed it!!!
Suddenly there were bells ringing and lights flashing. George came running into the Sleep Room with eyes wider than our food bowls. Betty managed to trip him up and he flew head-first into a pile of pillows. Diego and Genghis made easy work of tangling blankets around the old guy’s ankles—he looked like a wriggling patchwork caterpillar!
Odin led the big dogs in a charge down the corridor, sending stupefied staff flying in all directions!
Lola used her special powers to send Patty reeling backwards into the bubbling pooch pool.
Betty and Genghis took hold of either end of a mop and galloped along, tripping any hollering humans running this way and that.
Diego and all the tiny dogs dashed across the ball lawn, nipping and yapping as they went. Bob even tried to make his own escape and climbed a tree. He didn’t quite make it, though. HA!
It was CANINE CARNAGE and I loved EVERY minute of it, my furless friend!
While chaos rumbled from room to room around Barking M
eadows, I managed to snatch the big ring of keys from George’s belt and…well…you can guess the rest.
With a bit of teamwork we had the gates open…
…and every single canine customer from that wretched resort sprinted back toward the lights and delicious smells of Hills Village with full bellies and happy hearts.
Dog Diaries Page 3
