CATS THAT PLAYED THE MARKET, THE

by Karen Anne Golden

  Katherine’s table was at the end of the row. She placed her box of cookies on top, while Mrs. Murphy spread out her cat cozy blankets. Jake set the cat carrier in the middle. Colleen complained there wasn’t a third chair, so she and Michelle went off to look for one. Mrs. Murphy sat down and opened the money box.

  In the center of the large room, against one of the long walls, was a platform/stage with a microphone stand. In front was an elaborately decorated long table with a red velvet skirt. It was covered with cakes — every conceivable kind of fancy cake. Katherine moved over to it. Her eyes grew big as they darted from cake to cake, examining each with awe.

  On the table was a three-tiered coconut cake, a log cabin made from Twinkies, a Santa Claus sheet cake, a snowman covered with shredded coconut, several chocolate cakes, and a detailed Victorian Queen Anne gingerbread house iced with pink frosting.

  Jake came over. “That looks like your house.”

  Katherine scrutinized it. “The detailing is very good, but I’m not liking the grim reaper figurine in the front door.”

  “You’re kidding me,” Jake said looking. When he saw it, he chuckled. “Looks like something from a Halloween miniature set.”

  Katherine drummed her fingers on the table. “The murder house!” She gazed around the room and when she didn’t see anyone looking, she removed a graham cracker door, put the figurine inside, and then put the door back. “Solved,” she giggled.

  “You’re lucky a cake Nazi didn’t see you, or you’d be in a heap of trouble,” Jake advised, then asked, “What do you think of this cake?” He pointed at a giant cone of chocolate set on a bank of red icing.

  “It looks like a volcano. It’s even got chocolate spouting out of the top of it.”

  Jake smiled. “That’s my mom’s cake. It’s her famous volcano cake. She bakes one every year. That’s an official chocolate pump. Liquid magma.”

  Katherine said, “Cool! I don’t see any prices on these cakes.”

  “People come from miles around to bid on them. This is how the event makes most of its money.”

  “Bid?” Katherine questioned. “I don’t get it.”

  “It’s a cake auction! There’s even an auctioneer. It starts promptly at noon. Word of advice — things could get ugly, but in a good way,” Jake grinned. “Hey listen, sweet pea, I’m off now. I’ll be back at high noon.”

  “Seriously, you’re coming back for the cake auction?” Katherine asked, surprised.

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Because,” he began, then lowered his voice. “See that flowerpot behind the volcano?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Inside that ordinary clay pot is the most delicious white chocolate cake you’ve ever tasted.”

  Katherine rolled her eyes and pinched him affectionately on the arm. “Okay, I won’t tell anyone you’re going to bid on that cake. But here’s a little ditty about Jack and Diane. I know who made said cake.”

  “Oh, really?” he asked. “And who baked said cake?”

  “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

  “Okay, savvy girl, I look forward to finding out. See you later,” Jake said, leaving, enjoying the playful banter. Katherine followed him with her eyes and saw him stop and talk to his mother, Cora, who was standing in the entryway. Jake saw Katz looking, so he pointed at his mom. Katherine waved. Cora waved back.

  One of the Sanders boys — the one with the irritating hyena laugh — walked in. Bobby took the shortest route to the cake registration table where there were two chairs but no occupants. Elizabeth “Lizard” Brentwood slowly walked to the table and took her seat. Son Robbie took the second chair. A colorful banner attached to the table announced “Cake Auction 2014.”

  Bobby Sanders was carrying some sort of sheet cake. He carefully set it down on the table and began to fill out an entry form. Katherine moved over to look at the cake. She smiled at Lizard and Robbie.

  The cake depicted a Hawaiian hula dancer with a blue-iced cupcake bra. Black Twizzlers formed the straps and the grass hula skirt was made from red shoe-string licorice. A Hershey’s chocolate kiss was in the dancer’s belly button.

  Cora stormed over and looked aghast at the cake. “Lizard, he can’t enter that cake. It’s indecent,” she said indignantly.

  Lizard said in her raspy voice, “Now Cora, Mr. Sanders can and will enter this cake.”

  “Yeah, lady,” Bobby said, and then laughed loudly.

  Cora’s face reddened. She turned brusquely on her heels and stomped out of the room.

  Lizard leaned over and said to Bobby, “I think your cake is a hoot! Wouldn’t it be great if your cake made the most money for the charity?”

  Bobby broke out into a big smile and acted as if he’d never been praised for anything in his entire life. “Thank ya, Ma’am,” he said as he left.

  Katherine strolled back to her assigned table and stayed there until the cake auction began. She never saw Cora again, so she assumed she’d left. It was okay by her. Jake’s mother, true to her character, had given her the cold shoulder and had not even spoken to her.

  “What was that about?” Colleen asked.

  Katherine chuckled. “One of the Sanders boys entered an X-rated cake. Well, maybe not X-rated, but Jake’s mom thought so.”

  Colleen rushed over to see the cake and then started laughing. Returning she said, “Hilarious!”

  Cokey, Margie and their two kids, Tommy and Shelly, walked in. They each carried a barn sash window under their arms. Shelly struggled with hers. Margie’s table was set up next to Katherine’s.

  “Hey, you guys,” Margie said to the group. “Wait until you see what I’ve done with these old barn windows. I found them on the street and thought it was a shame to just throw them away.” Margie, an ace at restoring old buildings, was also very adept at reclaiming ancient items and giving them a second chance.

  Mrs. Murphy, Colleen and Katherine checked them out. On the glass part of the sash, Margie had painted festive holiday scenes. She had attached LED lights to make the snow glisten. The barn windows instantly became a big hit as people came over to admire them. Mrs. Murphy bought the first one, and later lamented she didn’t know how she was going to get it on the plane when she flew home. Cokey and Tommy left the armory and brought in more barn windows.

  A crowd had grown around Katherine’s table. Everyone wanted to see the lilac-point Siamese. Lilac was in her element. She’d nuzzled up to the metal cat grate at every passerby who stopped to admire her. Each time, she emitted an ear-splitting Siamese ME-YOWL, which after a while was almost deafening.

  A thirty-something man with black hair and light blue eyes came over. He was carrying a digital camera. “Hi, I’m Russell. Russell Krow. I’m a reporter for the Erie Herald.”

  “Spelled like the Australian actor?” Colleen asked.

  “No, we spell our last names differently.” He looked at Katherine. “You have to be Orvenia Colfax’s great niece, because you look just like her when she was younger.”

  “Yes, but how do you know what she looked like?” Katherine asked.

  He smiled, showing perfect teeth. “I just came from the museum. I took several shots of the Colfax displays. Would it be okay if I took a pic of all of you sitting behind the table?”

  Katherine asked Colleen and Mum if it would be okay. “Sure, I haven’t had me picture in the newspaper lately,” Mrs. Murphy said.

  “No problem,” Colleen answered.

  The three leaned in with Lilac’s carrier still on the middle of the table.

  The newspaper reporter snapped a pic. He asked them for their names, which he wrote on an index card, then zeroed in on Katherine. “I’d be honored to interview you . . . for the paper, of course. Could I take you to dinner some evening? Here’s my card,” he said, extracting one from the inside of his jacket and handing it to her.

  “Better yet, why don’t I call you and arrange a time for you to meet me for lunch,” Katherine suggested.

&n
bsp; “Great,” he said, looking directly into her eyes. He smiled and left.

  Colleen whispered, “Was he hitting on you, or what? What’s with that lunch comment?”

  “Mom used to say, ‘lunch is for friends, dinner is for lovers.’”

  Colleen rolled her eyes. “Whatever! You’ve got to admit he was hot.”

  “Hotter eye candy than Daryl?”

  “I wouldn’t go that far. What’s with these Indiana men anyway? Most of them are gorgeous hunks.”

  Several potential buyers came to the table and began looking through Mrs. Murphy’s cozy blankets. They began to sell like hotcakes, but the cookies were a disaster. No one wanted them. Even with Lilac striking a Hollywood pose in her carrier, Katz hadn’t sold a single green-iced cat cookie.

  Colleen sensed her friend’s disappointment and grabbed a cookie. “Don’t feel bad, Katz. They’re really tasty. Give it time.”

  The morning wore on. It was getting close to noon. A boisterous crowd of ball-capped men had grouped in front of the cake table. Jake assumed his position in front of the white chocolate flowerpot cake. He caught Katherine’s eye and winked.

  Colleen observed, “This is a new experience for me. I’ve never seen men interested in a bake sale.”

  “Me, either,” Katherine said, and then laughed, “Colleen, we’ve never been to a bake sale before, so how would we know.”

  Shelly and Tommy were getting fidgety. Shelly went over to the cake table for the twentieth time and each time came back giggling. “Mommy, the hula dancer has boobies.” Margie would hush her each time, but to no avail. Tommy was clearly the more bored of the two. He kept asking Katherine if he could pet Lilac. “Katz, please? Can I hold her? She looks lonely in her cage. She wants to come out,” the twelve-year-old boy pleaded.

  Margie admonished, “Stop whining! It’s driving your mother nuts.”

  Katherine reluctantly gave in. “I guess so, but only if I put her harness on. I don’t want her to get loose.” She opened the door and brought Lilac out and sat her on the table. Katherine placed the harness on the Siamese, snapped the buckle, and then attached a short leash. She then handed the lilac-point to Tommy.

  “Ahhh,” Tommy cooed. “You’re such a cutie.”

  “Owl,” Lilac cried quietly. The Siamese was hoarse from me-yowling. Her blue eyes crossed with joy.

  “I want to hold her,” Shelly said eagerly. “It’s my turn. Let me hold her.”

  Then a large, loud man stepped up onto the platform and grasped the mike. Robbie said in his typical booming voice, “Welcome, folks! I’m today’s auctioneer, so let’s make some money for the Erie Food Bank.” In his right hand he held a bugle. As he tipped it back, Katherine lunged for Lilac. Loud noises freak Lilac out. Loud noises make Lilac crazy. Loud noises make Lilac run.

  Katherine was too late. As Robbie blew on the bugle, Lilac jumped from Tommy’s arms and began leaping from table to table, leaving a wake of tumbled wares — candles, soaps, and ribbon-tied bags of potpourri —scattered all over the floor. Katherine made a mad dash for her, but Lilac was too fast. At the end of the tabled row, close to the entryway, Lilac stopped abruptly, turned and ran back. Margie, Mrs. Murphy, and Colleen moved to catch the fleeing cat. Lilac tried to get inside the carrier, but the door was closed. Robbie kept blowing the bugle. Finally, Lilac jumped on top of the carrier and sat there for a split-second as if she were contemplating her next move.

  “Stay, Lilac,” Katherine said, inching closer to snatch her. She could see Jake in the ball-cap crowd rushing over to help her. But he was also too late.

  In what seemed to be one fluid motion, Lilac launched off the carrier, soared through the air, hit the cake table, and slid into the volcano cake. It immediately exploded with liquid chocolate squirting everywhere. Some of the chocolate hit Robbie.

  “Can someone bring me a towel?” he yelled over the mike.

  “My cake,” Cora said, reappearing out of nowhere. She looked like she was going to faint.

  When Lilac tramped on the hula dancer, the cupcake bra flew into the crowd. She then stomped on the log cabin Twinkie cake like a feline Godzilla. She was about to capsize the pink iced gingerbread house, when Jake caught her. He held her in his arms and spoke softly to her. “I’ll get you out of here, baby girl.”

  The Erie Herald reporter — Russell Krow — was taking pictures in a rapid-fire, machine-gun fashion. Katherine could only imagine what the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper would look like.

  Michelle ran over with a roll of paper towels. She had one hand covering her mouth to refrain from laughing. Katherine shook her head in amused disbelief, yanked several towels off, and began wiping the icing off Lilac’s paws.

  Colleen had collapsed in her chair. She was fanning herself with her hand and laughing hysterically. Mrs. Murphy smirked and took a shot of something from her flask. Jake grabbed the carrier, put Lilac inside, and with Katherine escaped to the door. The crowd opened up for them — a few of them having disappointed looks on their faces, except for Tommy’s school friends at the back, who were laughing rowdily.

  Once out of the armory, Katherine said, “I can take her home. You go back and bid on your flowerpot cake.”

  Jake grinned and kissed her on the cheek. “Okay, I’ll see you when you come back.” He handed her his dad’s truck keys.

  As Katherine drove the feline Godzilla home, she said, “What were you thinking? Capsizing Jake’s mom-from-hell’s cake? You didn’t!”

  Lilac was sitting serenely inside the carrier, licking the remaining icing off her paws. Once inside the mansion, four felines surrounded the carrier. Katherine opened it and Lilac flew out, taking four or five stairs at a time, “owling” the entire way upstairs. Katherine burst out laughing and then returned to the armory. The auction was finished. Jake proudly held the flowerpot cake.

  Katherine asked, “How much did it go for?”

  “Forty bucks. That dang Frank from the diner was bidding against me.”

  Katherine grinned. “Oh, how sweet! That was Frank’s mom’s cake. She just broke her hip. Michelle said that although she wasn’t able to come, she was still able to bake it with her home health aide. Adorable!”

  The cake auction was the grand finale of the holiday fundraiser. Katherine boxed up the remaining cat cookies, which was all of them, except for the ones that Colleen, Tommy and Shelly had eaten. Mrs. Murphy had sold every one of her cat cozies and had taken orders for more. She said she could make them at home and mail them. Margie was also successful. Only Katz had a box to carry home.

  On the way out, one of the vendors approached Katherine and was annoyed because Lilac had broken several candles. He threatened to talk to the board about not allowing pets the next year. Katherine apologized and wrote a check for the damages. She made a mental note to ask the board about the cost of the damaged cakes so she could write a check for those, as well.

  Jake drove Katherine, Colleen, and Mrs. Murphy back to the mansion, then headed over to his parents’ house. Mrs. Murphy excused herself to take a nap, while Katherine and Colleen went to the kitchen for some tea.

  Abby hissed at Lilac every time she got near her.

  “What’s that all about?” Colleen asked.

  “Who knows?” Katherine shrugged. “Maybe Abby is jealous because she didn’t get to go.”

  “Two catzillas would have been hilarious,” Colleen offered. “What time is the shindig tonight?”

  “You mean the grand opening of the Erie Historical Museum, by invitation only?” Katherine said in a fake TV-announcer voice. “Jake is my escort. I really want to look my best for the event. He’s picking me up at seven. That gives me plenty of time to get ready. I’ve already laid out my clothes on great aunt Orvenia’s bed. I bought the sweetest black cocktail dress.”

  Colleen asked, “Was that a good idea?”

  “What? Asking Jake to be my escort?” Katherine asked quizzically.

  “No, not that. I meant, was that a good id
ea, laying out your new dress, considering that your cats chew on clothes?”

  “Oh, no problem. I shut the door.”

  Colleen filled the tea pot and put it on the stove. “Later, send me a selfie of the two of you. Daryl’s picking Mum and me up at five. He’s taking us to meet his parents — ”

  “Oh, really. Meet the parents?” Katherine interrupted.

  Colleen frowned. “I’m a nervous wreck. What if they don’t like me?”

  “Just be yourself.”

  “Katz, I don’t mean to be mean, but you’re yourself around Jake’s mom, and she acts like she can’t stand you.”

  “Oh, so you noticed. She could have at least come over and said hello, but that’s her problem. I’m dating Jake, not Cora.” Changing the subject, she said facetiously, “Want a cookie to go with your tea?”

  “I ate too many. I feel sick. Now I have to eat dinner with Daryl. How am I going to pull that off?”

  “You’ll be fine. Just stop worrying.” Katherine glanced at her watch and stood up. “Don’t have time for tea. I’ve got to get a move on if I’m going to make my hair appointment. I’m getting the works: hair, nails, and makeup.”

  “Okay, see you later. If I’m not here when you get home, I hope you have a wonderful time.”

  “Oh, Colleen, can you do me a big favor? Can you feed the cats before you leave? They’re used to eating dinner at five.”

  Colleen scrunched up her nose. “Okay, just point out the food.”

  “Super, it’s on the counter! Give them each a small can. They like eating in here. Thanks so much.” She grabbed her bag and hurried out of the mansion.

  Chapter Five

  When Katherine returned to the pink mansion, the cats hardly recognized her. The hair stylist had cut wispy bangs, which emphasized her large green eyes. A cosmetic artist applied makeup she’d never dream of choosing herself, but as she looked in the salon mirror, she broke out in a wide smile. She wondered how Jake would react when he saw her. With her short black hair styled, her nails painted a rich burgundy, and a Hollywood-worthy makeover, she couldn’t wait to put on the short cocktail dress.