Boy in Luv

by Jay Crownover

  “It would’ve been so easy for you to fall into a different lifestyle, growing up where we did. But, you always did the right thing, even if it meant you suffered. This girl deserves an apology, and she has the right to every ounce of gratitude we both have. It’s not often guys like us, guys who come from nothing, run into an actual guardian angel.”

  I swore under my breath and dropped my forehead so it banged painfully on the countertop. “It’s not like I can just call her up and ask her to meet me for coffee. I ghosted her in the worst way possible. She doesn’t even know that I’m back, or that I’m still breathing.” She looked perfectly happy and her life had obviously moved on. Who was I, other than a bad memory she probably wanted to forget forever.

  Gael tapped his fingers on the table and looked at me with an arched eyebrow. “Coming up with complex battle strategies is part of your job. Are you really going to sit there and tell me you can’t figure out a way to fix this? Are you scared?”

  I was scared. Terrified. There wasn’t much in my life I hadn’t been able to withstand, but seeing disappointment and disgust in Langley’s pretty blue eyes was something I was sure I wouldn’t be able to come back from. However, there was no way I was letting my baby brother know any of that.

  Swearing again, I banged my forehead on the counter a second time and muttered, “She’s graduating. I saw a post on her Instagram when I was creeping on your phone the other day. Might be better to try and see her somewhere where there’s other people around.” After all, she wasn’t shy when it came to making a scene. The girl was big on leaving a lasting impression. “She’ll probably be excited since she’s done with school.”

  Showing up unannounced while she was celebrating something so monumental might be a solid plan of attack. Then again, it might ruin her entire day. But, like Gael said, doing the right thing was rarely the easy choice to make.

  Gael banged a hand on the table, making me flinch. “Let’s go. You know which school she goes to, right? We can find whatever we need to find her on the internet.”

  I groaned, resigned to the fact we were really doing this now that I’d thrown the idea out there. My brother wasn’t going to let it go, and honestly, neither was my conscience. I did owe Langley more than I would ever be able to repay. She deserved so much more than an apology, but it was a place to start when it came to clearing the debt.

  “It’s not a funeral. Don’t look so grumpy. Go take a shower and I’ll make something to eat.” He nudged me out of the chair, eyes already on his phone as he cyber-stalked Langley. Once again, I was overwhelmed with how good it felt to have someone looking after me when I was at my most unguarded and vulnerable. He was finally old enough, it really felt like I had someone unshakeable on my side.

  In the shower, it was impossible to stop the flood of memories from overtaking my every thought.

  I could clearly recall Langley’s bright smile when she let the mask of perfection she wore slip, and let it shine. I could still feel how silky and soft her hair was wrapped around my hands and trailing across my skin. I was never going to forget how she tasted and felt in my arms. The sweet, sexy sounds she made when she lost herself to passion and desire were going to echo in my ears forever. I’d had more than one dream that’d forced me to wake up hard and aching because all I had as a reminder of her were those lingering memories. I’d never be on the receiving end of the real thing again.

  Unfortunately, while my brain understood I’d screwed up and ruined any chance I had with everyone’s real-life dream girl, my dick hadn’t got the memo. Any time Langley crossed my mind, my body almost immediately responded. Sure, the opportunity to get over her by getting someone else under me had been limited due to my deployment, but the truth was, I hadn’t even been tempted. I’d always been a guy who was somewhat of a player. I knew I wasn’t going to settle down and commit, so I typically had no problem living the hit-it-and-quit-it lifestyle.

  Until Langley.

  She was impossible for me to quit and my dick wasn’t all that interested in a cheap knockoff. My hand and my memories were going to have to do when it came to getting off. I was hopeful that seeing her face-to-face would bring the closure I needed to get back to my old self. If I could see her hatred up close and personal, it would be the motivation I needed to move on.

  I was still grouchy when I got out of the shower, but seeing an outfit laid out on the bed when I walked into my bedroom was enough to pull a weak grin from me. Gael picked out one of the few button-down shirts Langley insisted on buying for me when we were trying to fool her family into thinking we were together, and a pair of black jeans. He was obviously worried about making a good impression on the woman responsible for securing his future.

  Figuring it wouldn’t hurt anything for me to follow his lead, I shaved and styled my hair…what little of it I had after being in the desert for so long. I rolled up the sleeves of the shirt, exposing the heavily tattooed length of my forearms. I thought about rolling them back down so I didn’t draw any attention to myself, but quickly discarded the idea. I was who I was. Generally, I liked the guy I was on a day-to-day basis, but I knew he could use some improvement. Apologizing for the way I treated Langley was a step in the right direction of being a better man. It wouldn’t lift the weight of guilt off of me, but it would alleviate it some, which was all I needed. I was being crushed by it, suffocated.

  Another halfhearted grin slipped out when I walked into the living room of the apartment. Gael was dressed fairly similar to me, only he had a jaunty bowtie added to his ensemble. He would fit right in at a private college graduation.

  My brother was chatty on the way to the college. He was obviously excited and nervous. Langley really was a savior in his eyes. For having never met her, Gael spoke of her glowingly. It was hard to hear. I was used to being his ultimate hero, the one who made sure he never wanted for anything. It was a tough pill to swallow to hear him be in awe of someone else, mostly because that someone else had turned my life and heart upside-down with minimal effort. I’d given up the right to sing Langley’s praises, so it rubbed me the wrong way my brother could do it so freely.

  It took a minute to find a place to park. We got a couple looks from people as we maneuvered through the sprawling, downtown campus. The graduation ceremony was usually held on one of the quads on campus, so I followed the sounds of cheering until we found the right one. We arrived just as the commencement closing was happening. A sharp pang of sadness shot through me when I realized I was too late to see Langley walk across the stage and get her diploma. It seemed I was always just a little too late and never quite good enough when it came to her.

  After the explosive cheers from the graduates and the spectacle of the caps being thrown in the air, the crowd started to move and shift as families started to gather to congratulate their loved ones. By sheer coincidence, I happened to catch sight of Langley’s father and stepmother. Her dad caught my eye, and I watched the smile on his face drop off as recognition hit him.

  I liked Langley’s dad. He was a good man and also a fellow military man. He didn’t blink an eye when Langley brought me home to cause trouble. In fact, all he wanted was for his daughter to be happy. For her to be looked over and cared for. I did all of that, until I hadn’t. If I were in his shoes, I’d want to kick my ass too.

  The older man took a step in my direction, but was almost immediately jerked back by his snotty, bitchy wife. There was no love lost between us when it came to Langley’s stepmother. The woman was a piece of work, treating Langley like an intruder in her own home. Corbin Vaughn craned his neck to keep me in his sights as he was forcibly dragged away.

  I heaved a deep sigh and went to point out Langley’s family to Gael, only to realize my brother was no longer at my side. I turned in a semi-circle to see where he went, and froze when a familiar, sunny blonde head suddenly appeared in the crowd.

  “Iker?”

  I froze at the sound of my name, body going ice-cold and boiling hot at t
he same time. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t look away from her. I was torn between wanting to run toward her to close the distance between us, and ducking down so I could hide in the throng of people surrounding us.

  It took a full minute for my brain to compute that while it was my name Langley was calling, she hadn’t seen me and wasn’t looking in my direction at all. A moment later, Gael was standing in front of her, sticking out a hand for her to shake. Those baby blue eyes of hers were twice their normal size, and I could see confusion coloring them, even with the space between us.

  I was too far away to hear what they were saying to each other. Gael was more animated than he ever was, hands moving wildly as he spoke. Langley looked adorably baffled, then happy, then heartbroken. She also looked really good in her graduation cap and gown. Gael hooked a thumb over his shoulder in my direction, and I went still as stone as my gaze locked with Langley’s.

  I watched her put a hand to her chest and all the color bleed from her flawless, unforgettable face. She wobbled a little on those sky-high heels she liked to wear, and one of her hands shot out to lock on my little brother’s forearm. I wanted to scream at her to let him go. I wanted to tell her she could hold onto me instead. I knew the words were useless, though. My actions spoke so much louder.

  I was yelling at myself to move, to do something, do anything, when a guy who appeared to be around my age suddenly appeared behind Langley. He gave my brother a curious look, and my blood turned into lava as he threw an arm around Langley’s shoulder in a way which was annoyingly familiar and comfortable. The guy was big. He had a head full of blond hair, and a beard. He also had a tattoo on the side of his neck and on the back of the hand that was dangling over Langley’s shoulders. He didn’t look anything like her douchebag ex who was now married to her stepsister. This guy would fit in at any dive bar or pool hall in the city. I had no clue who he was or why he was so touchy-feely with Langley, but I hated him on sight. I wanted to break the arm he had wrapped around her and crush the fingers which were so free to touch her.

  “Iker? What are you doing here?”

  Lost in thought and caught up in my own jealousy, I didn’t realize the three of them had moved closer to where I was standing. Gael moved to my side, giving me a nudge as a reminder to get my shit together.

  I had to clear my throat a couple of times before I could force the words out. The sight of Langley with another guy totally blew all my reasons for being here out of the water. I was having a hard time focusing on anything other than all the places where she was pressed against a man who wasn’t me.

  “Uh...congratulations on your graduation. Gael came to town when I got back and really wanted a chance to meet you. Sorry for popping up unannounced.” It sounded so lame and pathetic. Why couldn’t I just tell her how much I missed her, how sorry I was for screwing up as badly as I had?

  Awkward silence fell over our group until I blurted out, “I’m so sorry, Langley,” at the exact same time she muttered, “I’m so glad you’re alive, Iker.”

  We stared at each other for a long time, both of us breathing hard as the crowd and chaos faded away. I was trying to figure out what else to say when the guy whom we’d both been ignoring pulled Langley closer and dropped a possessive kiss on the top of her head.

  I automatically stiffened and heard Gael grumble something under his breath. Beard-o grunted and spoke loud enough there was no way I could pretend I didn’t hear him.

  “Let’s go, Langley. Your family is waiting for us. We don’t want to keep your dad waiting, do we?”

  The message was clear. He was the one in her life now. She was his. I couldn’t hold back a full-body cringe when he shifted to take her hand.

  Langley blinked like she’d been in a daze and slowly nodded.

  “Seriously, thank you for everything.” Gael reached out a hand, which she shook automatically. Her manners and politeness were an inherent part of who she was, after all.

  Our eyes met briefly once again and a small, lopsided smile pulled at her mouth. “It was nice to see you…both. Take care.”

  She turned and walked away with blond, tattooed guy, her hand remaining in his.

  Gael had to hold me upright as my knees turned into jelly after I could no longer see her.

  Watching her walk away without chasing after her and begging for forgiveness was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. It felt like I had a wide-open hole in the center of my chest. Now that I realized how important she was, and how much of my heart she had a hold on, this goodbye burned its way through my blood. My ignorance and arrogance made the last one more bearable. But this girl got to me in no time at all.

  The pain was what I deserved. I could admit it. I hated I now knew firsthand just how badly I’d made her feel when I left.

  I rubbed my forehead and muttered, “I need a drink. Many drinks.”

  Gael chuckled and tossed his arm over my shoulders. “The right thing is done. I think you can go ahead and do the wrong thing for the rest of the day.”

  I snorted and followed him through the lingering crowd. I wasn’t about to tell him I was going to be doing the wrong thing until the pain in my chest faded…which was undoubtedly going to take more than a single day.

  It might take forever.

  Langley

  I’m so glad you’re alive, Iker.

  Nine months of worry and fear and wishing for things that could never be, and that was what had come out of my mouth when faced with a very real, very present, very gorgeous, Iker Alvarez.

  It was the truth. I was so relieved to see him alive and what appeared to be uninjured. He’d looked whole and healthy and so damned beautiful, I’d nearly fallen on my freaking face when our eyes met. His skin held a deeper tan, and his frame looked a little more filled out, like he’d spent whatever downtime he’d had at the gym, but his eyes—those deep brown eyes—were exactly the same. Dark, unreadable, probing. They appeared even more intense and intimidating than the last time I saw them since his face had thinned out, sharpened.

  They still saw straight through me.

  Right past the manicured hands and salon-perfect hair to the imperfect mess I was on the inside. Those eyes sliced through the bullshit and pretense, and left me flayed open, just like they had nine months ago. Two, maybe three, minutes in his presence and all the work I’d put into healing myself and moving on hadn’t mattered.

  I was back in that hotel room, under him, feeling that undeniable rush of love flooding my system as he asked me if I was sure. I was kissing him at laser tag. I was curled up on my mother’s swing, showing him the best parts of my life since he’d already been exposed to the ugliest.

  Nine fucking months of pulling myself together and he undid it all with four words. I’m so sorry, Langley.

  Langley.

  “Langley?” This time, the deep voice was punctuated by a light touch on my wrist.

  I blinked, coming out of my Iker-induced stupor to see every set of eyes at the table was on me.

  “You okay?” Sam asked, his fingers gentle as always.

  “Yes, of course,” I replied with a practiced smile. Sam didn’t know me well enough to know it was forced. Faked.

  Iker did, which was pretty damned ironic, since I’d only spent about a week of my life with him, and I’d already known Sam for a month. Or even longer, I guessed.

  Dad’s eyebrows rose, as did his glass of champagne. Right. He must have been in the middle of toasting. My fingers curled around my own glass, and I nodded. He smiled, but I knew that his, just like mine, was a smidgen forced.

  “I’m so grateful that you could all be here to celebrate Langley tonight.” I glanced down the linen tablecloth-covered expanse of the Michelin star-rated restaurant table and nodded to those I recognized. I sat at the foot of the table, the mirror to where my father sat at the head, flanked by Virginia on his right and Camille on his left. Richard occupied the seat next to his pregnant wife, and the eight or so other guests were friends or busine
ss acquaintances of my father, until I got to Sam, who sat calmly on my right.

  “It’s no secret that I’m incredibly proud of both of my daughters,” he said, offering Camille a soft smile. “But tonight, I’m especially proud of all that Langley has achieved. She’s never backed down from a challenge, has conquered every obstacle with what I know is her mother’s grace, what I hope is my tenacity. And yet, she has grown up to be more than all we could’ve hoped for. So, I ask that you raise your glass to Langley in congratulations. I can’t wait to see you take on the world.” He lifted his glass to his eye level. “To Langley.”

  Everyone at the table raised their glasses. “To Langley,” they repeated.

  I lifted my glass to my lips and took a sip of the sweet champagne, and though I knew Dad had made special arrangements to be sure this was my favorite, it didn’t taste as light or as sweet as usual. Because as I looked down the table, and its fourteen occupants, I knew only one of them genuinely loved me. The rest of them were here only for personal gain. Whether it was my father’s favor, his backing in a new business, or even access to me, they all wanted something.

  And in that moment, I only wanted Iker.

  “You sure you’re okay?” Sam asked quietly. His eyes were kind and at odds with his rugged and rough appearance. It was what had attracted me to him when we crossed paths in our shared apartment building.

  “Yeah,” I answered with a small nod, voice obviously strained. “It’s just been a big day.”

  “I bet. It just seems like you’ve been off since those two guys showed up at the graduation ceremony.” He left the space open for me to elaborate, to explain Iker and Gael’s presence.

  It was odd, because though I wasn’t close to Sam, I’d also never hidden anything from him. We’d gone out a few times, enjoyed a casual date or two, but I didn’t want to tell him about my surprise guests. Even though every other occupant at the table had met Iker at Camille and Richard’s wedding, he felt like something entirely and completely private. Not in the way that secrets were private, but the way memories and small treasures were.