Finding Joy

by Adriana Herrera

  I backed away a bit, waved my hand between us and crowed, “Hey! It worked.”

  I always got fidgety when I felt I was under someone’s scrutiny, like if they looked long enough they’d realize I was a fraud. That I didn’t mean any of the things I was doing. But Elias looked at me like I was something worth understanding. As if he hadn’t worked it all out yet, but what he could see, he liked a lot. I got closer and ran my hands over his chest, tucked my head right under his chin, and took a deep breath.

  He sighed too and said, “I’m very glad to be with you here right now.” Then he laughed in a way that wasn’t exactly humorous. “It’s also a little bit frightening. I’ve been thinking so much about Ari and Dante in the past few weeks.”

  I turned so I could look at his face. “I wondered what you thought about the book. You didn’t say much when it ended.”

  He tightened his arms around me as he spoke. “Everything I felt after we finished it seemed too dangerous to say in the moment.”

  I nodded in understanding. “How does it feel now?”

  He pulled me closer, and in a very serious voice said, “Too good to question.”

  I turned around to kiss him again, and lay there in his arms in silence. I mulled over everything that passed between us in the past few hours, how monumental it all felt. And there remained so much I needed to figure out.

  I still had no idea what I would do about the job I was supposed to start once I got back to DC, or the acceptance in the NYU master of social work program. Worst of all, I didn’t know how I’d tell my mother I didn’t want to do this work. That I wouldn’t follow in my dad’s footsteps anymore. That I was selfish enough to break her heart.

  Chapter 12

  I woke up alone in the bed and heard movement around the room. When I turned a light on, I saw Elias sitting by the foot of the bed, putting on his shoes. My breath caught at the sight of his wide shoulders and back.

  I walked on my knees to him and put my arms around his neck. “What time is it?”

  He bent his head to kiss my hands, and that feeling like he could shake loose everything that felt constricting, spread through my chest again.

  His voice cracked like thunder in my quiet room. “It’s just before 4:00. I didn’t want to wake you, but I need to get going. I take my mom to the market on Saturdays when I’m home.”

  I pulled back fast, worried I’d cause him to upset his mother. “Oh, okay. Don’t want to get you in trouble with her.”

  He smiled at my reaction. “It’s fine. I don’t have a curfew. She just likes to get there early.” He straightened from tying his shoes with a weary sigh. “I also wanted to slip out before the front desk staff gets in.”

  Right. Because it wasn’t smart or safe to do this.

  “Yeah,” I said, not wanting to make things awkward.

  He got up, pulling on his shirt as he walked to the door. I got out of bed and followed him, shivering in the chilly dawn. Before he opened it, he turned around and kissed me long and deep. “It’s taking an enormous amount of self-control to leave this room when you’re standing here completely naked.”

  I pushed up against him, not giving a fuck about looking needy, thirsty, or whatever, and bit his lip before I spoke. “Please tell me I get to do this again soon.”

  He nodded sharply at that. “I’ll be busy today. I have a few things to do with my family since I’ve been gone so long, but maybe tomorrow? I can take you up to Entoto Mountain—we can go for a hike and have lunch up there.”

  “That sounds good,” I said, a bit disappointed that there was no mention of activities we could do in private, and then reminded myself he’d already take a huge risk by coming up here with me tonight.

  I pulled on the lapel of his jacket and brought him down for one last kiss. “I have plans to see an old friend of my mom’s today. She wants to go swimming at the Marquis. I’ve heard it’s quite the place.”

  He nodded as he nuzzled my neck, making me want to jump him all over again. “It’s very nice. The food is overpriced, but it’s definitely a good place to spend the day relaxing.” He turned to unlock the door. “Tomorrow then. I’ll text you later to set a time.”

  I nodded and tried my best not to sound too whiny. “I’ll see you then.”

  For a minute, we just stood there looking at each other. I wondered if, like me, he was feeling like we were about the burst the bubble. That once he left we’d be in the morning-after weirdness—the doubt, the secrecy, and the bullshit which would surely follow what we’d started tonight.

  Neither of us said anything though, and I stood there shivering as he slipped out of the room and down the stairs, barely making a sound.

  When I got back in bed, I wrapped myself in the sheets and pressed the pillow he’d been sleeping on to my face. The ache of not having him next to me felt too big, and I was too tired to think about how I’d complicated things for myself again.

  I couldn’t go back to sleep after Elias left, and was wide awake at six a.m. Thinking that with the time difference it would only be after ten in the Ithaca, I decided to Skype my mom. I sent her a message on chat asking if she was up. She said yes right away and I instantly felt guilty, knowing she’d been waiting on me to call for weeks.

  I opened the Skype app, and within a few seconds her face appeared on the screen. She seemed tired, but she had a big smile on her face. She’d gotten a pixie cut last year, which made her look sort of elfish, and despite everything, seeing her was comforting.

  “Hey Mamí. ¿En qué estás?” I asked, trying to distract her from what I was sure were bleary eyes and sex hair.

  She frowned and reached to touch the screen. “Hola, mijo, I was worried about you. Other than a few emails and that two-minute call when you got there, I hadn’t heard from you. Are you in Addis?”

  I’d emailed or texted her every other day since I’d gotten here, but my dad had died here on a job similar to the one I was doing. Granted, his death had nothing to do with the work or being in Ethiopia, but still I knew she would get anxious.

  “Mamí, I’ve been in way more remote places than this, and you know Ethiopia is very safe. I emailed you the day before yesterday to tell you we were coming back to Addis and that I was fine.”

  She flipped her hand like an email every few days was not nearly enough. “I know, but the roads can be dangerous and they’re so narrow. I worry!”

  I shook my head and tried not to get on her case about her assuming nothing had changed in the more than two decades since she’d been here. “Mamí, that was like twenty years ago! The roads are fine. We got back without so much as a flat tire. The logistics coordinator for the project drove me, and he was a driver for the embassy for years. He’s also the most responsible person on earth.” My stomach lurched from the mere mention of Elias.

  This seemed to appease my mother, though, and her face relaxed somewhat. “Oh good, I’m happy to hear you’re with a good driver. Although I’m not surprised.” She sighed wistfully and looked up like she was recalling a memory. “We had such good years there. Met so many wonderful people.” After another sigh, she perked up. “Did you see Saba yet?”

  I rolled my eyes at her question. “¡No, mujer, ya te dije! Like I mentioned in my email, I’ll see her today. I wasn’t sure how late we’d get back yesterday and didn’t want to cancel on her.”

  “Okay, mijo,” she said, smiling wide at the mention of her friend. Saba had been my mom’s best friend when they lived here, and their friendship had not only survived, but thrived in the years since. Saba worked for the United Nations, and growing up I saw her almost every year when she’d go for meetings in New York City. She would always invite my mom and me to stay with her for the weekend, and we would take the bus from Ithaca to see her.

  Those weekends with Saba were some of the best memories I had with my mom. Saba was a loyal friend to my family and, after my dad died, the only person other than my grandparents my mom and I could talk to who understood how har
d it was for us without him.

  Saba was a warrior, the kind of woman I sometimes wished my mom could be. So fierce, nothing brought her low. When Dennis, her husband, died a few years back, she’d told us not to come for the funeral, that she’d rather meet us in Germany. She said Dennis would’ve loved for her to take a holiday in his homeland with close friends and celebrate his life. So that’s what we did. Saba did not let anything get the best of her.

  I looked at my mom, who was still waiting for my answer, that fierce adoration which could be as comforting as it was stifling all over her face. I knew she’d done the best she could after my dad died, even though sometimes I wished so much of her happiness didn’t depend on me.

  “Mijo, where did you go?”

  “Sorry, Ma,” I said ruefully, as my mother’s worried face stared at me from the screen. “I spaced out. Saba’s coming to pick me up in a few hours and then we’re going to a fancy hotel for the afternoon. After that I’m going to her house for dinner.”

  She gave me a thumbs-up like I was five. “Make sure you give her what I sent her. And don’t forget your sunblock, papí. You’re so light-skinned, just like your father. You burn in a minute.” Hearing her, you wouldn’t think I’d spent a good portion of the last year working in the Sudanese desert.

  “Got the sunblock in my bag, Ma. They’re right in there with my towel and floaties.”

  She hissed at my backtalk. “Fresco.” She sounded amused, but I also didn’t want to push it, so I shifted gears.

  “How are things there, Mamí? Things okay with work? Jim?”

  My mother had finally gone back on the dating scene two years ago. She’d been seeing a very boring and exceedingly nice man who worked some kind of finance job up at Cornell. Jim was from Connecticut, loved wine tasting and bird-watching, and seemed to be partial to cardigan and bowtie combos. But he doted on my mother, even though she took things at a snail’s pace and agonized over any request he made to move their relationship forward.

  She waved her hand, dismissing the poor guy. “He’s good, and work is busy, lots of clients and training new staff same old, same old. That bitch Suzy is finally retiring, thank God. Mujer tan mala esa.”

  I cracked up at my mom’s saltiness—she and her coworker Suzy had been nemeses for like, ten years, yet exchanged holiday cards religiously. My mother’s explanation for this: “She’s a bitch, but I still need to be polite.”

  I gave her a look and pushed her a little bit. “Madre. I’m glad Suzy won’t be aggravating you for much longer, but tell me more about things with Jim.” I pursed my lips at how flustered she looked. “What, are you getting shy in your old age?”

  She balked at that and wagged her finger at me. “Mira, muchachito. Who’re you calling old?” I chuckled, but she finally caved. “Ay, he’s been saying he wants to get married, and I just don’t know. It’s too fast.”

  I sighed. “You’re both sixty and you’ve been dating for almost two years. How long do you need?”

  She tried to answer, but instead her chin quivered and her eyes watered, and my face felt hot with shame for pushing her. I rushed to reassure her, but she spoke before I could.

  “I know I’m being silly, papí.” She clicked her tongue. “Your dad’s been gone for so long, but some days I wake up and I can still smell him.” Her throat moved as she tried to choke down her tears, and I hated myself for starting this.

  She wiped her eyes and slumped on the couch. “Jim’s a good man and I know he won’t wait forever, but I need more time.”

  I reached out my hand so I was touching the screen, and she stretched hers to touch the same spot. I closed my eyes, feeling the rapid heartbeat and breathlessness that happened whenever I saw my mother still in so much pain over losing my dad.

  “Mamí, forget what I said. Take your time. I just want you to be happy.”

  She nodded and gave me a watery smile. “I know, papí, and I am. Now let’s stop this sad talk. Go get ready to see Saba. Tell her I’ll text her this week to set up a time to talk.”

  “Are you doing anything fun tomorrow? Are you and Jim hitting the winter market?”

  She nodded and gave me that look of I know what you’re doing whenever I tried to get her mind off of my dad.

  “Yes, we’re going shopping, and then we’re getting together with his friends from the birding club.” She rolled her eyes. “God help me.” I cracked up at the look of horror on her face. But as much as she griped about Jim’s hobby, the last few times I’d seen her, she’d woken me up before dawn to take me bird-watching with her. “At least it’s at that new Caribbean restaurant that opened a few months ago. We need to go when you visit—the owner’s Dominican.” She delivered that news like the Obamas had just moved to her neighborhood. But she caught up to me soon enough. “Don’t distract me, Desta. I was going to ask you something. Has that man called you? I talked to your Tía Lily and she said she saw the wedding announcement in one of the Santo Domingo papers. The nerve that little boy has after wasting your time for two damn years.”

  Oh man, if we went down this particular road, I’d be here until dinner. “No, I made it very clear to Miguel the last time we talked that I had nothing left to say to him.” The finality in my voice was a new development I knew was at least partly related to a certain Ethiopian psychologist. “I doubt he’s going to be calling me.”

  She looked primed to go on yet another rant about how Miguel was the embodiment of evil, and I was not in the mood. At least her earlier sadness was fully gone now and replaced by righteous fury. That’d definitely take her mind off my dad.

  “I got to go, Mamí. I have to shower and get a little bit of work done before Saba comes to pick me up.” I was probably going to take a nap, since I’d gotten very little sleep. Not that I regretted it in the slightest.

  She nodded, but I could tell she was trying to get a read on my dismissal of Miguel, and we were not going there. “Okay, papí, bendición. Be careful. Love you.”

  My mother always told me to be careful, even when I was thousands of miles away and she literally had no control over what I did, but she had to get that in there.

  “Bendición, Mamí, I love you too.”

  That blessing, or bendición, was also a must in every conversation with my mom. Despite the fact that neither of us had gone to a church for anything other than a funeral or a wedding ever since I could remember, I could not get off the phone without asking for a blessing. Who was granting said blessing was yet to be determined, but it had been our sign off my whole life.

  This morning, with so much on my mind and knowing all the ways in which I was being reckless, her request to be careful felt like advice I should heed. Instead, I ignored all trepidation and checked my phone to see if Elias had sent a message.

  When my stomach did a back flip from reading the message from Elias telling me he wished he could give me a good-morning kiss, I knew my common sense had no chance of winning this war with my dumbass heart.

  Chapter 13

  A few hours later I was standing outside of the guesthouse waiting for Saba. I smiled like a loon when I saw her drive into the compound. As soon as she stopped the car, I hurried up to the driver’s side and opened the door to pull her into a hug.

  She looked like royalty in a flowy emerald caftan and leather sandals, her braids in an intricate design, and her fingers and wrists full of silver jewelry. She was such a stunning woman. Whenever she visited us in New York, that first moment I spotted her in the crowd, I always paused to take her in. Even now in her sixties, she had the kind of elegance and poise that made people literally stop in their tracks.

  I squeezed her tight, closing my eyes. “Saba, it’s so damn good to see you.”

  She pulled back to give me the kind of thorough once-over only a tía could give. “Look at you. You’re the perfect mix of your parents. So handsome. I’m so happy to have you here in your first home. Give me another hug, it’s been too long.” She brought me in for another squee
ze. “Now that you’re a grown-up and I can’t lure you to New York City for weekend adventures, I never see you!”

  I gave her a sheepish look, but didn’t say anything about the possibility of me being in New York sooner than she thought.

  She beamed at me again and started asking questions before I could get a word in. “Tell me about this new job. Fatima said you’ll be running one of the units at the Aid USA headquarters. She’s so proud of you. I’m proud of you too,” she said, gently putting a hand on my face. “You’ve grown up so fine. Your dad would have been so pleased with what you’ve done.”

  There it was, the knife to the gut.

  I smiled and nodded as I swallowed through the lump in my throat, as I always did whenever someone told me how I was carrying on my father’s legacy. I let that weight sit right between my shoulder blades, looking for a way to give some kind enthusiastic answer.

  But Saba was a wily woman.

  After a moment, she gave me an assessing look, put her arm around my shoulder, and went right where I didn’t want her to. “But what I should have asked was how you felt about it. Who cares about what two old women and the memory of a very-good-but-quite-dead man think? You’re the one who has to live with it!”

  Leave it Saba to lighten the mood with her dark-as-night humor.

  I laughed and got in the car. “All right, old lady, buy me a beer at this fancy joint you’re taking me to and I’ll catch you up on my life.”

  She winked at me as she put the car in drive and headed out of the guesthouse. “I want all the gory details.”

  “Well, first there was the breakup with Miguel.” I trailed off, knowing there would be a reaction.

  Saba did not disappoint in her scorn for my ex. Her mouth twisted to the side at the mention of his name. “Fatima told me about that. He’s the one who lost here. You don’t need a man who can’t see your worth.”