by A. R. Kayne
She felt heat against her back and caught a whiff of a familiar woodsy scent. Pryce turned her around to face him and boxed her in against the control console. His eyes searched hers.
“Why are you afraid of sex? Did something happen?”
She couldn’t look at him; instead, she studied the collar of his uniform. There was no way she could tell him about the humiliating reality of being assaulted and wondering if she’d done something to cause it.
“It just frightens me. Being forced. Being hurt.”
“Did that happen to you?”
“I just have bad memories.”
He looked at her long and searchingly, then nodded. “Alright. If anything else happens, you tell me immediately.”
“Why?”
He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. The effect was chilling. “I’ll take care of it. That person will never hurt you or anyone else ever again. I’ll make sure you’re safe and never have to live in fear. I’m captain of this ship for a reason, Jess.”
She was afraid to ask what that reason was. But as quickly as his dangerous mood had come, it was gone. He favored her with a lopsided, playful grin that was the opposite of the frightening smile he’d had only seconds before.
“So you’ve given up. You aren’t attracted to anyone on this ship and you think pairing up is a lost cause.”
“Yes.”
“That’s a damned shame.”
“It’s probably for the best.”
“Mmm. But I don’t want you to miss out on anything. Shall I tell you what I’ve learned about love and attraction?”
She scowled and leaned away from him. “You mean what you learned from rubbing your body against a bunch of different women? No. I don’t want to hear anything about that. You already admitted it had nothing to do with love.”
“Are you angry with me?”
She shrugged and fingered the squiggles running across his chest. Adamson, they said in some language or other, as though people on the ship didn’t know him by sight and he needed a label.
“Why would I be angry?”
“You tell me. Maybe for the same reason that I want to throw the men you’ve been kissing out the nearest airlock?”
Her eyes flicked up to his, startled. “That makes no sense.” She fingered the insignia atop his shoulder, four glittering bars topped by a circle. “Why do they put this stuff on your uniform? Everyone on the ship knows who you are. If you’re in a combat situation, it just tells the hostiles who they should shoot first.”
He laughed. “You’re trying to change the subject. Are you scared?”
“Why would I be scared?”
He boosted her up, so she perched on an empty section of the console, and he eased her legs apart and stood between them.
“Because of the way you feel. It’s new and you feel vulnerable. You’re afraid of getting hurt.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she scoffed. “The only thing I’m afraid of is your lectures. I still haven’t recovered from the one about bathing, and that was months ago.”
He smirked at her unrepentantly. “That was a good lecture, wasn’t it? I’m glad you took it to heart before your pit stench melted the walls of my ship. I also think you’re trying to change the subject again. We need to talk about what happens when you meet the person you’re supposed to be with.”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine. Discussing it is pointless, but I guess there’s no way to stop you.”
“I’m glad you value our discussions. Well. You meet someone. Maybe you start out as friends, then things change. When you’re with this person, you don’t have to hide who you are. They accept you. They like you just the way you are, quirks and all. In fact, they think the quirks are interesting. Does that sound familiar?”
“Mmm.” She ran her fingers across his chest and over his arms. This uniform had more sparkly stuff on it than usual, trim running along the seam lines of the jacket and up the sides of his legs. It looked uncomfortable. But then, so did all of his uniforms.
“Most people focus on the physical part,” Pryce continued. “I’ve learned it’s about the whole person, not just how your body feels. You like them and you really admire them. They make you want to be a better person. One day you wake up and realize you’d do anything for them, even kill or die. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Mmmhmm.” She fingered his Alliance insignia, a glittery blob that was supposed to symbolize unity among star systems. It looked like something a toddler would draw. Actually, a toddler would have done a better job.
“Maybe the physical stuff starts sneaking up on you. When you go to bed alone, it feels wrong because they aren’t there with you. You dream about them. It hurts to think about them touching other people. When you touch them, your brain shuts off and your body takes over. Does any of that sound familiar?”
“Umhmm.” She toggled the closure of his jacket open and closed. Flip. Flip. It was clever the way those worked. When she lived on the ground, she’d only had homemade buttons or, in rare cases, salvaged zippers. The clothes on the ship had a pressure-sensing mechanism. She should ask the computer how those worked.
“You aren’t fucking listening to me.” Pryce sounded amused rather than annoyed.
“Not even a little bit,” she admitted.
“You seem very interested in taking off my uniform. Why don’t I help?”
The jacket gave way with a loud rip and landed on the floor. It was followed by a black undershirt, leaving him naked from the waist up.
“Pryce!” she gasped.
“Pryce,” he mimicked, leaning close and smirking at her. “Do I finally have your attention?”
Jess couldn’t stop staring. His body was much different from hers, broad and tapered with hills and valleys defined by muscles. “Yes,” she whispered, dry-mouthed.
“Good. This is important, Jess, and my words clearly haven’t been getting through to you. I think you need a demonstration.”
He drove his hands into her hair and crushed his mouth against hers, a kiss of passion and possession. She trembled, gripped his bare back, and melted against him, overwhelmed by the dance of his lips and tongue against hers.
It’s different with him, she thought, then her brain quit working and she wasn’t able to think anything at all.
“I’m a fool,” Pryce said, when he finally lifted his mouth from hers. “I should have done this months ago. I’m sorry I made us both wait.”
One of his hands slid up her side, so it rested against the side of her plumped up breast. His thumb began moving in circles, arcing closer and closer to her nipple. She whimpered in appreciation.
“You like that, yeah? How about this?”
He grasped her hips and rocked against her. Something thick and rigid rubbed against the apex of her thighs. It was the most delicious sensation imaginable, achy and urgent and right. She wiggled against him and moaned her agreement. She felt weak and floaty, like she’d drunk an entire bottle of wine. A kiss landed at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. He took his time about it, gently nibbling and sucking the flesh until she was writhing.
“You like this,” he said. “I can tell you do. I can feel you coming apart in my arms.”
“Yes. Please,” she begged, although if he’d asked her, she couldn’t have said what it was she was asking for. She only knew their bodies fit like they were made for each other. He was right. Why hadn’t they done this sooner?
One of his hands eased beneath her skirt and began creeping up her inner thigh. “You’re so soft. I want to pull this naughty little dress off, carry you over to those pillows, and put my hands and mouth all over you.” He nuzzled her breast with his mouth, gently suckling through the lace. “We’ll go skin to skin and get lost in each other.”
It was the best idea she’d heard in her life. “Yes. Please, Pryce,” she whimpered. “Let’s do that.”
“But we can’t.”
With that, he stopped stroking
and simply held her. It took a moment for his words to sink in. Her eyes flew open.
“Um. What. Why not?”
“Because you’re not attracted to me. You said so yourself. There’s no mate for you on the ship and you aren’t attracted to anyone.” He watched her closely, smiling wryly and a trifle sadly. “Do you see me at all, sweetheart? I’ve been right in front of you the whole time.”
Yes. She definitely saw him. She knew she was on the edge of puzzling out something important, but couldn’t think clearly enough to complete the task. His face was so close, his mouth so near. She couldn’t resist running her index finger across his lower lip, over the whiskers that covered his jaw, then drifting it down the hair that dusted his chest and led to the waistband of his pants.
“Jess,” he rasped, his eyes darkening, then she heard a discreet cough. A red-faced crewman stood at the entrance hatch, discreetly looking at the observation port rather than them. Pryce scowled at him and yanked Jess’s dress down.
“I’m sorry, sir. Lieutenant Commander Tveti requests your presence regarding a matter on the surface. It’s urgent. He sends his apologies.”
“Why am I needed?” Pryce rumbled in a low, menacing voice. Jess felt his biceps harden as though he was aching to hit something.
“The planet’s ambassador wishes to speak with you directly.”
“Can’t one of the researchers pretend to be me? It isn’t like the people down there can tell one of us from another. I don’t even speak their language. Hell, I probably can’t even hear their language.”
“I’m sorry, sir. I can’t say.”
The crewman shuffled nervously. Pryce cupped the back of Jess’s head, gazed in her eyes, and gently kissed her.
“I guess I have to deal with this. I’m very sorry. You can’t imagine how sorry. I don’t know how long it will take, but when it’s done, you and I will finish this conversation.”
She nodded mutely. She felt stunned, still awash in strong sensations from her body.
Pryce’s eyes drifted down, lingering on her breasts. When his eyes met hers again, his expression was thoughtful.
“This is all new to you. I don’t think you really understand what’s happening yet. I know it’s possessive and overbearing of me, but I don’t want other men’s eyes on you.” He helped her down, pulled the blanket off the floor, and wrapped it around her shoulders. “Wear this until you reach our quarters. Crewman, will you see that she makes it there safely?”
“Yes sir.” The man pointedly avoided looking at Jess and was utterly silent as they traversed the corridors back to her quarters.
She was glad. She didn’t feel capable of holding a conversation with anyone. Pryce was right. She didn’t understand what was happening. She had a feeling it would take time and thought before she did.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Jess
Jess scratched her head and eyed her current math lesson.
“You’re 100 meters from the base of a tree,” the problem stated. “The angle between your feet and the top of the tree is 18 degrees. Find the height h of the tree to the nearest tenth of a meter. Assuming an average diameter of 10 centimeters, how many trees will you need to build a hut which is 2 meters high, 2 meters long, and 3 meters wide?”
Huh?
She liked math. It was a calm, orderly, helpful subject. It could describe anything from the transit time between planets to the number of atoms in a chunk of iron. Math didn’t invade cities, kill and torture people, or kidnap children.
Still, why use trigonometry to build a hut? Why not just go in the woods, cut down trees that looked about big enough, and trim off the excess later? It wasn’t like trees came in consistent sizes. Who would want a hut with those dimensions, anyhow?
The computer broke into her thoughts. “Jess, you have a visitor.”
That was odd. Most people wouldn’t come to her quarters. Pryce always snickered and said it was because they were afraid of him.
“Who is it?”
“Dr. Ales.”
That shot down the fear theory! Pryce was more likely to be afraid of the counselor than the other way around.
“Is she out of the rejuvenation tank? I didn’t know we had an appointment.” Jess glanced down at her shipsuit. “Am I clean enough?” Sometimes she still forgot to bathe and change clothes.
“Your state of hygiene is adequate, if marginal,” the computer stated in dry tones.
“Please let her in.”
When the door slid open, Dr. Ales offered a hug and a warm smile.
“How are you?” asked Jess. She squinted and ran her fingers across the older lady’s face. Dr. Ales submitted to the inspection with dancing eyes. “Hmm. They took away your wrinkles. Other than that you look good, though.”
“I feel good! I’m ready to run a few laps around the ship. I don’t know how long the treatments will extend my life, but I’m glad to work and be useful while I’m alive.”
Jess hated the thought of Dr. Ales dying. Still, at some point it was a reality for everyone, the flip side of birth. “I hope you won’t die for a long time. If you want, when it’s time to go, I’ll sit with you. I did that with my grandmother. When she couldn’t talk or move anymore, I held her hand and sang to her. I hope it helped, but I guess I’ll never know. Maybe she wanted me to be quiet but she just couldn’t tell me.”
Dr. Ales chuckled. “Thank you. I’d like that. You’ll be a good companion. I’m not afraid to die, but I plan to celebrate life until I take my last breath.” Her eyes roamed around the room, taking in Pryce’s mission memorabilia, the keepsakes from Jess’s home on Draco, and the worn furniture. “You and Pryce have a cozy home.”
Jess shrugged. “That’s due to Pryce, not me. This is his room. If it was left to me, there’d be tools, old shipsuits, and boxes of rations stacked everywhere. I know the ship can make everything we need, but I don’t feel safe without emergency supplies.” She decided not to mention the supplies hidden beneath her bedroom floor.
“There should be a way to compromise. Feeling safe is vital and this is your home too.” Dr. Ales edged over to a wall and tapped a clear case which held a frayed, time-worn ribbon. “Best Summer Solstice Costume. I remember when Pryce won that. He was about five and as wild as a sack full of cats. He scribbled a face on an old bag. That was his entire costume, a face drawn on a bag.” She chuckled. “Between you and me, it wasn’t very good, but all the children got awards of some kind. He was just as proud as could be. Still is, I guess, since he has it up here with his service commendations.”
“You knew him when he was a boy?” This was news to Jess.
“Yes. My husband and I were friends with his parents when they lived planetside. When my husband died, Pryce’s mother suggested that I come out of retirement. I’m sure it’s a coincidence that I’ve always been posted to ships where I can spy on her son.”
“Do you do that? Spy on Pryce?”
“Mmm. Some.” The counselor wrinkled her nose. “He’s entitled to privacy but I do pass on minor tidbits so she’ll feel involved. Ane loves him but she doesn’t know how to show it. She’s spent her life trying to live up to the Adamson Fleet officer mythology and treats him like one of her soldiers. I don’t think Pryce understands that she’s proud of him and loves him. Fortunately, his father is the opposite, very warm and affectionate.”
Jess shook her head. “I wondered. Pryce always calls her ‘the admiral,’ not mother. I’m lucky. My family was always loving, no matter what I did.”
“It does help children feel secure.” Dr. Ales inspected a set of woven baskets sitting atop a shelf. “Did your grandmother make these?”
“Yes. Pryce snuck those and a few other things out of my old home without my knowing. I’m glad he did. I was going to leave it all to rot.”
“The craftsmanship is remarkable. It’s clear where you got your work ethic.” She glanced up at Jess and smiled. “Your advisors are very proud of you. They’ve never seen a person wo
rk as hard as you.”
“Thank you.” Jess had a bad feeling an unspoken “but” was hanging in the air.
“Now, I do have a few things I’m concerned about. I heard that you’ve been staying here in your quarters lately.” Dr. Ales perched on the worn sofa and pulled Jess down beside her.
And there it was. “Yes. I guess that’s true.”
“I believe you’ve only left once during the past eleven days.” The counselor looked at a spot somewhat above the door. “Is that correct, computer?”
“It has been 10.7 days since she last left her quarters by herself. During the first four days of that period, she was sleeping poorly, eating irregularly, and failing to attend to personal hygiene. Those are classic symptoms of depression.”
Dr. Ales looked at her expectantly. “What happened?”
Jess toyed with a frayed hole in the knee of her shipsuit and avoided the elderly woman’s eyes. “Nothing much. I had a date. It didn’t go well. I just haven’t felt like going out in the ship since then.”
“What happened during the date?”
Jess haltingly described the night of dancing gone bad.
“It’s a clear case of self-defense,” interrupted the computer. “She only stabbed him after he exposed his genitals and attempted to orally rape her. She was unable to free herself by other means.”
“I know, computer. Jess isn’t in trouble. But thank you for the clarification.” Dr. Ales pulled Jess close. “You need to have faith in yourself. All of us stumble from time to time, but I’ve never known you to do anything truly bad. Sometimes you have to do whatever is necessary. He assaulted you. If you hadn’t stopped him, he would have done worse.”
“I didn’t know what to do,” Jess admitted. “All I could remember was that I wasn’t supposed to kill him. I felt so ashamed afterward. He claimed I deserved what he was doing.”
