by Shade, S. M.
“But you didn’t.” She bites her lip at my raised voice. “Because you saw an opportunity. Get in good with my sister and then win your way.” I stop myself before the words “into my heart” can escape. “You didn’t,” I repeat. “You didn’t say a fucking word.”
The way she flinches at my shout pisses me off, and I shove my door open. The rain has lessened to a drizzle and drops vibrate across the hood of the SUV as I slam my palm down on it with a curse.
Her door clicks shut, and I can feel her staring at me across the hood. Her voice is soft, more tentative than I’ve ever heard it when she speaks.
“I know sorry isn’t what you want to hear, but I am. I’m sorry. If I had it to do over again, I’d do it differently. I pursued the job because he’s the only family I have left and I wanted to know he was safe. I took the job to be close to him. I didn’t have any other motives. It had nothing to do with who you are, your money or fame. I didn’t even know who you were before the interview. I just wanted to take care of Caden. Everything else, I didn’t see coming. I didn’t expect you. I didn’t expect…us.”
“There’s no us!” She takes a step back at the vehemence of my reply. The way her eyes widen reminds me of her reaction the last time I made her come, and my stomach twists in revulsion. I’m not falling for her shit again. What she said about her reasons for taking the job, I can believe, but she saw her opportunity with me. After years, I trusted someone, and she was lying all along.
The urge to hurt her is strong, but I’d never physically injure a woman. It’s no matter. Words do the most damage. Bruises heal, but words echo across years. Through sleepless nights and frantic dreams, they persist, and invade the quiet moments of your day.
“Whatever fairytale love story you want to believe this was is bullshit. I was getting laid. You were convenient and willing.” My laugh is so bitter I can barely recognize it. “Do you think you’re special somehow? Because I stuck my cock in you a few times? I could pull a hundred women like you out of my audience any night. Or make a few calls and have them delivered.”
Swallowing hard, she meets my gaze. “You said you found joy in me.”
It’s hard not to flinch because that moment is seared into my brain as well. “You know what that proves, Naomi?” Her name comes out in a sneer. “I’m a better liar than you.”
My words hit their mark, and she looks away for a long moment. Staring at the gray sky that’s starting to darken with the approaching night, she takes a deep breath. “How is Caden? Is he doing okay?”
“No! He’s a fucking mess! Crying and tantrums. He doesn’t sleep and barely eats.” My boots squelch through the wet grass, bringing me closer to her. “All your talk of him, of how much you love him. You weren’t thinking of him at all when you lied your way into his life. You were only trying to get what you wanted. You selfish bitch. You didn’t give one thought to what would happen if you were found out, how he’d suffer. What the fuck did you expect?” I roar.
I need to go. This isn’t what I came here for, to boil over and scream at her. It isn’t making me feel better and it doesn’t change anything. I came for the truth and if the story she told me wasn’t it, then I’ll probably never know. My brain is too full of rage and static to think through any of it right now.
I have to get out of here.
“I’m sorry,” she sobs. “I never wanted to hurt him. Or you or Dani. If he misses me, please, let me see him. Just a visit, just so he knows I’m not gone forever.”
In my head, I can hear Caden’s cries for Nay-mi. The way he searches for her.
“Axton!” Naomi cries, as I stalk back and jerk open the driver’s side door. “Please.”
I let her words bounce off my back, never turning to face her. Instead, I get in the SUV and drive off. In the rearview mirror, I get a brief glance at the way she crumples to the ground, sitting with her knees up, her head hung. A silent sketch of torment.
Chapter Four
Naomi
“Breakfast is ready, dear,” Dodie says through the closed door. It’s the same way she’s announced meals for the past two days that I haven’t managed to leave my room. Seeing him again and feeling his anger and hate for me was heartbreaking, but not as devastating as hearing that Caden’s suffering.
Because of me.
Because of my lie.
“Thank you,” I call out, and I hear her footsteps retreat.
My stomach aches but I don’t have an appetite. Not eating. He said Caden isn’t eating. I feel sick.
My phone rings and lights up, showing my lawyer’s name. Dread fills me. I’m not sure I can handle any more bad news right now.
“Naomi?” he says when my hello comes out as a whisper.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“I have some good news. I have your phone and laptop to return to you.” Not exactly what I’m worried about, getting my stuff back. I handed over my phone and everything else they asked for without a second thought. Gave them permission—not that they probably needed it—to search through my history and life to their hearts content.
“Okay.”
“They gave them back because they no longer consider you a suspect, Naomi.”
It takes a moment for his words to sink in. “I’m not going to prison?”
“No, you aren’t going to prison. The case against you was shaky at best. They weren’t able to find any link or communication between you and Beverly McFarland.”
“Because I’d never even heard of her!”
“I know.” His voice is soothing. “But now they do too. The handwriting analysis came back, and it matches Beverly. Also, Franklin Koll just accepted a plea deal on murder to keep from getting the death penalty. Part of his deal is to testify against Beverly. He’s made multiple statements about how much she hated you, and her little video backs that up.” He pauses for a long moment. “Naomi, has it occurred to you how lucky you are to be alive?”
“Not really,” I scoff with a laugh at the thought.
“I know things have been hard, but they could’ve killed you as well as Mr. Hathlon.”
There’s a sobering thought. “I don’t understand why they didn’t.”
“One thing I’ve learned over the years is that searching for the why in most psychopathic behavior is a fruitless endeavor. You can’t predict crazy.”
We talk for a few more minutes and he agrees to overnight my old phone and computer to me. Before we hang up, a question slips out of my lips.
“What am I supposed to do now?”
“Whatever you want. I was stopped by reporters leaving the police station and I let them know—on camera—that you’re no longer a suspect. Give the madness time to die down and the press will focus on some new unlucky target. Then move on and live your life,” he advises. “The worst is over.”
The worst is over.
His well-meaning words are appreciated, just far from true. The worst is knowing Caden isn’t doing well. Knowing I hurt him. Worrying about whether he’s getting better, whether he’s eating or sleeping.
I know I can’t wallow here forever in self-pity, but I don’t know where to start to pull myself out of this. Caden is miserable, Axton hates me, and Dani—I don’t even know. I haven’t heard from her other than that one text.
Move on. Advice I should follow, but it seems impossible right now.
A hesitant tap on my door is followed by Dodie’s voice. “Naomi, I brought you a tray of breakfast. I can leave it in the hall if you like.”
Peeling myself off the little sofa, I open the door to find her standing there with a tray laden with pancakes, sausage, and eggs. My stomach growls at the sight. Her eyes are kind and she steps inside, ignoring the fact I probably look like a zombie. “You haven’t come down for meals, so I thought maybe you’d like to eat in your room.”
“That’s so kind of you. You didn’t have to do that.” I take the tray from her.
“It’s no problem.” She hesitates a moment before adding
. “The news just showed a quick interview with your lawyer, announcing you’re no longer a suspect.”
“Yeah.” I place the tray on the table. “I just got a call from him.”
“I’m very happy to hear that. I’m sorry about my son giving that man your whereabouts the other day. I tried to explain you needed your privacy.”
“It’s okay. He needed to talk to me, and I guess…I needed to explain.” I manage a smile and add. “Thank you so much for your kindness. I really appreciate how you’ve treated me. It’s been hard and being in a place where I didn’t feel despised, where I could hide out and avoid watching the coverage saved my sanity. Thank you.”
She grins at me. “People are quick to judge, but also quick to forget. I don’t think you’ll need to hide out much longer, but you’re welcome here as long as you want to stay.” She gestures toward the tray. “Now eat so you have the strength to go out and tell those vultures to go to hell.”
Laughing for the first time in weeks, I comply. Dodie is the kind of woman I hope to be at her age. Kind, takes no shit, and a smartass. A treasure.
After eating, I drag myself to the shower, then dress. It’s chilly outside, but I need to get out of this room. The thin sunlight provides a little warmth as I make my way down the road toward the cemetery, a notebook I’ve been using as a journal in my pocket. With no one to really talk to, it’s become a comfort to write down how I’m feeling. I hope it’ll help me sort out my thoughts and figure out what to do from here.
The thoughts of Caden and Axton weigh heavily on me, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I did this to myself. I’m relieved that they’ll at least know I had nothing to do with Caden being taken, but they’ll never forgive me for deceiving them.
I can’t imagine moving on without them, accepting I’ll never see them again, but the choice isn’t mine. And I have to go somewhere from here. But where? Even after the chaos calms down, I’m the infamous nanny now. I can’t go back to teaching or probably even working with children in any capacity.
My innocence in the eyes of the law won’t matter one bit in the court of public opinion. I’m afraid people aren’t quite as quick to forget as Dodie seems to think.
As I enter the cemetery, my legs carry me toward my mother’s grave. The chill of the ground quickly permeates the seat of my jeans when I sit and lean against her headstone.
“I’m back, Mom. Just thought you’d like to know I’m not going to prison. I don’t know where I’m going. For the first time in my life I don’t have any kind of plan. It’s hard to think or even care about what comes next when I just feel so…heartbroken and guilty.”
A lump forms in my throat and I choke out the next words. They’re hard to say even with nobody listening. “I loved him, Mom. I still do even after the things he said to me. God, the way he looked at me, like I was something disgusting he stepped in…”
I don’t know how something so hollow can ache so badly. Pressing a hand to my chest, I let the rest of the words spill out. “This is what it feels like to be in love and lose them. I understand more now. I understand more of what you must’ve been going through with Dad. You were with him for years and it must’ve been so much worse when he left. I almost understand how you could do it because all I want right now is to make the pain stop. To feel even a moment of relief, one second that I’m not missing them, feeling guilty and worried about Caden, hating myself for the pain I put them through.”
Laying my head back against the stone, I watch a few birds swoop across the white sky. “That doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you. Because you had me, Mom. You always had me even if I didn’t have you, even if you didn’t much care that I was there. But I’m alone.
“And I just don’t see an end to it.”
Chapter Five
Axton
“Why have you been biting my head off all day?” Dani snaps when I give her one terse response too many. “I know you’re stressed. We both are, but—”
“I went to see her,” I blurt.
Dani’s eyes widen and she sits at the kitchen table. “Naomi?” she whispers, so Caden won’t overhear.
“I drove up to the bed and breakfast where she’s staying a few days ago, before she was cleared as a suspect. I had to hear it from her.”
“What did she say?”
Hope is what I first recognize in Dani’s expression. She still wants Naomi to be innocent. “A lot of bullshit about wanting to be close to Caden and make sure he was taken care of because he’s her only family.”
Her lips press together, shoulders dropping a bit. “She knew all along how he was related to her?”
I run my hand through my hair. “Of course she did.”
“I don’t understand. How did she do it? Milo picked that nanny agency.”
“Part of it was luck, if you believe her story. Her friend worked at the agency, saw Hatch’s name, and hired her.” I spend the next few minutes relaying the whole life story Naomi told me to Dani.
After a few moments of silence, she murmurs, “I don’t even know what to say. I thought maybe she was adopted or…something, and she didn’t know Caden is her nephew. All that time though, she was—”
“Lying.” The vehemence in my voice makes me pause and take a deep breath. I can’t keep taking my anger out on people who have done nothing wrong.
“Do you think…was she ever going to tell us?”
It takes me a moment to mull that over. “I don’t know. I doubt it.”
“Did she even apologize?”
The image of her crying and begging to see Caden, the devastation on her face when I said he was suffering flashes in front of me. “Yes, over and over. Because she wants to see him.”
Dani’s tone is cautious. “Are you going to let her?”
That’s the fucking question of the day isn’t it? Everything inside me says no. Fuck her and her manipulative, selfish bullshit. She hurt my son. She hurt me, whether I like to think it or not. Part of me wants to know I’m causing her pain every day she can’t see him. Every day that she realizes more and more that she’ll never see him.
That’s my selfish desire, but as Dani pointed out a long time ago, I’m a father now, and what I want doesn’t come first anymore. The real question is what’s best for Hatch.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admit.
“I’m not going to tell you what I think you should do because god knows I’m doubting my own judgement at the moment, but I’ll tell you what I think. The kidnapping is all mixed up in your head with this, but it’s a separate issue. We know now that she had nothing to do with it, and her deception didn’t put him in danger. If the kidnapping hadn’t happened, and Naomi had come clean about her relationship to Caden, would you have been able to forgive her?”
When I remain silent, she adds, “If you can figure out the answer to that, I think you’ll know what to do. You’ll do what you think is best for Caden, either way, Ax. I know that much.”
I may have gotten screwed in the parent department, but I’m a lucky asshole to have ended up with Dani as my sister. “What did the doctor say this morning?” I ask.
Dani got in touch with a child psychologist who specializes in trauma, and I forgot she was scheduled to have a video chat with her today.
Sighing, she shakes her head. “Same as the other one. Give him time, get things back to normal and as routine as possible so he feels safe.”
He’s in a house he doesn’t know, and his main caregiver is gone. It’s pretty far from normal.
“She wasn’t concerned with his small weight loss. She said we underestimate how much babies understand, that they can grieve a loss, feel anxiety just like the rest of us. He knows something is wrong.”
I may not know what to do about Naomi yet, but one decision solidifies in my mind. “Let’s go home.”
It takes another day for Milo and the management to arrange the added security and precautionary measures I insisted on, but everything is finally in place and we�
��re on our way back home. I’m hoping that Caden will feel more at ease and less anxious in a familiar place.
“God, I hate them,” Dani mumbles as we turn onto our street and have to come to a complete stop because of the crowd. Weeks away have done nothing to discourage them, and I wonder what kind of person can just stand outside someone’s house that long, hoping for a photo or to yell something at them.
We wait as two police cars join our security detail and slowly lead us through the throng of people. Legally, they can’t follow onto my property, but I’m not counting on that fact to stop them.
We wait in the car while security searches the house and grounds, until they give us the all clear. Hatch has slept through the drive, but he stirs as Dani gets him out of his car seat.
The house has a stale feel to it, an emptiness that’s instantly depressing. I turn up the temperature on the thermostat and flip on some lights.
Just inside the door, Hatch squirms in Dani’s arms as soon as he notices his surroundings. “Down!” he insists, and she obliges. A rare smile plumps his cheeks. His feet barely make contact with the floor when he’s off and down the hallway as fast as he can toddle.
The word that leaves his mouth sends a spike through my chest. “Nay-mi! Nay! Nay!”
“Fuck,” Dani breathes.
We should’ve seen this coming. The sound of my boots against the hardwood floor draws his attention. He glances up at me from outside the door that leads to Naomi’s room, and slaps his palm against it. “Nay!”
Squatting down, I try to take him in my arms, but his howl fills the house.
“Hatch, she’s not in there. Naomi isn’t here.”
