by Shade, S. M.
Struggling away from me, he continues to push and slap his hands against the closed door.
“Open it. Let him see, Ax, or he’s never going to give up,” Dani says, walking up behind us.
Seeing no way around it, I break my son’s heart and open the door. We haven’t changed anything. We haven’t been here to pack up her things. Hell, her car is still parked in my garage. The smell of her still lingers and it’s like a slap in the face. His cries for her continue as he walks around the room, to her bathroom, then back out. Dropping down on his butt, he goes into full meltdown tantrum mode, kicking his feet and screaming. All the crying and fits prior to this one were just a warm up.
The cries of her name turn to shrieks as he lets out all his anguish, anger, and confusion. I can feel every one of them like a lit match against my heart.
“Hatch,” I murmur, picking him up. He struggles against me. I’m not the one he wants. Nor is Dani. He wants the woman who has spent every second of the past months with him. The one who helped him adjust to the loss of his mother and made him feel comfortable in a new place with a new family.
His little body is warm against my chest as I hold him tight and murmur into his ear. “I know, buddy. I miss her too.”
I do. As angry as I am about her deception, and no matter how much I want to hate her, she brought a warmth to my life. If I can feel that missing, what must he feel after spending every moment with her for months?
Abandoned.
The worst feeling imaginable.
My attempts to soothe him aren’t working. He lets out a heartrending cry that takes every bit of his breath. His little face turns red with the effort. Seconds go by and he doesn’t take another breath in.
“Hatch, I’ve got you. It’s going to be okay.”
Fear shoots through me when he continues to hold his breath, and his lips start to turn blue. “Hatch!” I resist an urge to shake him to make him breathe. “Stop it! Breathe!”
Panic starts to set in, and I’m worried he might pass out when Dani steps up, says his name, and blows straight into his face. He takes in a great whooping gasp of air and I’ve never been so relieved.
Still crying, he gives in and sags against me, laying his head on my shoulder. “Okay,” I utter to Dani around the lump in my throat. “Call her. Have security go get her. We’ll figure something out.”
I can’t do this to him anymore. She’s not his mother, but as far as he’s concerned, she is. He loves her, and all the lies and bullshit aside it’s the one thing I don’t doubt from her is that she loves him.
Dani nods and walks out of the room. I carry Hatch to my music room, and sit on the couch, holding him against my chest like he may escape. His cries are fading as he starts to drift off, exhausted, and all I can think of is the day I realized my mother was never coming back.
I remember that hopeless, desperate ache like it was yesterday. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but I know I can’t let him go on like this.
Chapter Six
Naomi
Dani’s is the last name I expect to see when my phone rings, and my stomach knots. “Naomi?” she says when I pick up.
“Yeah…hi.”
“Listen, Ax wants to talk to you. Here, at our place.” In the few seconds it takes me to process that request, she adds, “You can visit with Caden. He misses you.”
Oh god, there’s nothing I want more than to see him. “Yes!” I blurt out. “I’ll leave right now! I can take a taxi and be there in two hours.”
I can hear murmuring as Dani speaks to someone else. “Have the taxi take you to the Homespot Drugstore parking lot around the corner. Security will meet you there to bring you through the mob.”
“Okay, thank you! I just—” I’m not sure what words were getting ready to fall out of my mouth, but they’re cut short when Ax takes the phone.
“Not one fucking word to the media! Don’t even look out the damn window. Understand?” His voice is as icy as it was in the cemetery.
“Yes, I’ll keep my head down.”
“Text Dani when you get to the parking lot.”
With those words, the line goes dead, and I sit there for a moment, holding the phone. Did that just happen?
An overwhelming rush of emotions make me unsure whether I want to laugh or cry, and I think I do a bit of both as I pack faster than I ever have in my life.
If they’re going to let me see Caden, maybe this won’t be the only time. I need to be closer to them. I’ll find another hotel after the visit.
After saying goodbye to Dodie, and thanking her for her help, I’m on my way. The two hour drive seems endless, probably because I’m so full of anxiety and anticipation. This isn’t going to be easy. I have to face the two people that I deceived. Axton hates me, but I have no idea how Dani feels. Judging by the distant tone of her voice when she spoke to me, it’s not good. I’d give anything to repair those relationships.
I know there’s no hope when it comes to Axton, and that hurts in a way I’ve never felt before, but I hope eventually, Dani can forgive me. For right now, though, I just want to know Caden is okay, help him through whatever he’s suffering.
It’s the time of year when the sun gets lazy and disappears before dinner time, so it’s dark when we pull into the Homespot parking lot. It only takes about five minutes for a dark SUV to pull up and a man the size of a damn mountain steps out.
“That’s my ride. Thank you,” I tell the taxi driver, practically tossing the tip money at him before I get out. He pops the trunk so I can grab my suitcase.
The security guy doesn’t ask if I’m Naomi. I’m sure he’s seen my face plastered all over the television as well. He takes my bag and opens the back door for me without a word. I climb in and a few minutes later we turn onto Axton’s street.
“Oh god,” I breathe. I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe I thought because a little time has passed and since there’s no more mystery over who committed the kidnapping, they’d move on to someone else. No such luck.
The security guy glances at me in the rearview mirror. “You’re safe. Police have barricades to hold them back.”
He steers us into Axton’s driveway, then hops out to open my door. “Don’t respond to them,” he warns as questions are shouted at me from the dark.
Pulling my hood up, I keep my head down until I get inside. It’s the first time I’ve set foot inside the house since the cops took me away.
Axton stands just inside the door. I don’t know if it’s his animosity or my fear and anxiety pressing in the air around me, but I’ve never felt such tension. He nods to the security guy, who places my bag on the floor and steps back out the door.
My eyes are drawn to a faint stain on the hardwood floor and nausea washes over me when I realize what it must be. Jake’s blood. He died right here.
My focus doesn’t escape Axton’s notice. “Come on,” he snaps. “Dani is getting Hatch out of the bath.”
Words seem caught in my throat, and I have to try a few times before getting them out. “Thank you for letting me see him.”
Blazing eyes land on mine. “Let’s make one thing perfectly clear right now. This is not for you. Nothing I do is for you.”
His words sting, but I do my best not to react. He lashes out when he’s angry. It’s one of the first things I learned about him. And he has every right to be pissed at me. “Understood.”
A sound I’ve missed hearing so much makes me forget the way he’s glaring at me. The patter of tiny bare feet down the hallway. “Caden, get your butt back here,” Dani exclaims.
I step into the hallway and the little escapee nearly runs me over. His eyes widen and a brilliant smile bursts across his face when he looks up at me. “Nay-mi!”
My heart.
I’m not sure it can take it.
“Nay-mi!”
I kneel in front of him and pull him into a hug, words failing me again. My throat is too tight. Tears run down my cheeks, but I couldn
’t stop them if I wanted to. His little arms wrap around my neck, and a sob escapes me. “I’m so sorry, Caden. Nay-mi’s sorry. I missed you so much.”
I don’t know how long I stay like that, holding him. When I regain some self-control and kiss his cheek, he wiggles to get lose. You can’t keep a one year old down. But when I stand, he holds his arms up.
“Nay-mi! Up!”
He’s learned a new word. Probably more than one. He giggles when I scoop him up, and I notice Dani standing a few feet away, her lips pressed together, tears on her cheeks.
“He laughed,” Dani says, directing her words over my shoulder, and I turn to see Axton standing there watching as well. His gaze bounces between us before he nods at Dani and walks away.
“Dani.” I struggle to address the woman who quickly became my friend and now probably regrets it. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
She nods and holds out Caden’s pajamas. “He ran off after I got his diaper on. Why don’t you dress him and take him into his room while I talk to Ax.”
“Of course.”
Caden wiggles out of my arms as soon as we get into his room, toddles over to grab his favorite animal book and slaps it into my lap. “Moo.”
He hasn’t forgotten. My heart is so full it could burst as I brush a lock of blond hair off his forehead. It’s getting long and starting to curl. “Nay-mi will read to you after we get your pajamas on.”
His little hands keep a grip on the book, transferring it from one hand to the other as I get him dressed. The rocking chair creaks a little when I sit down and pull him onto my lap. It probably hasn’t been sat in since I was here last.
“Okay, little man, let’s visit the animals.”
We make it through the book twice when he starts to doze off, and I set it aside. I should put him in his crib, but I can’t bear to let go of him yet. His warm little body is relaxed against mine, and a small smile rests on his lips as he sleeps. When will I get this again? Is this the only time Axton plans to let me visit?
I’d be happy to spend the whole night just holding him, but Axton walks in less than an hour later. He pauses at the sight of him asleep in my arms, then nods toward the door. “We need to talk. My music room.” With that, he stalks back out of the room.
Caden doesn’t stir when I put him in his crib. Trepidation fills me as I walk down the hall. I’m so afraid this is it. That he’ll tell me to get my things together, get my car, and go. I’ll never see any of them again.
Walking into that room and taking a seat across from him, I’m thrown back to an almost identical moment months ago, the first time I met him. Then, I was intimidated by his looks and demeanor, but it was nothing compared to the nerves running through me now.
Silence screams in my ears as he just glares at me for a long moment, making me shift in my seat. It’s everything I can do to let him speak first instead of babbling to break the tension.
“I have questions,” he finally says. “And if you want to see Caden again, you’ll fucking answer them, and I swear to all the hells, Naomi, if you lie or leave anything out—”
Hope beats in my chest. “I won’t. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”
“Is there any other family you haven’t told me about?”
“No, my parents are dead. So is Deidre, and she was my only sibling. If there are others—if my dad fathered others, I don’t know about them. I can’t swear Caden doesn’t have any other relatives on his mother’s side, because all I know is what Deidre told me. She said Caden was her only family, and since that turned out not to be true, there could be others I don’t know about.”
I’m assaulted again by a silent stare as if he’s considering my answer, combing it for deception.
“You’re a millionaire,” he says.
“Yes.”
“How? Where did the money come from? Some other guy you scammed and manipulated?”
This is a story I don’t want to tell. It’s personal. It’s mine, and unlike the fact I’m related to his child, it isn’t pertinent or any of his business. His brows crease when I hesitate. “The money is from a wrongful death settlement. I sued the people responsible for my mother’s death. The payout was four million. It’s sat in that account ever since. I don’t touch it because it’s blood money. I can show you the court judgement if you want.”
Despite his anger, I can see his interest and curiosity. Maybe it’s the look on my face that tells him that’s all he’s getting from me on the subject because he moves on.
“How many people did you give my home address to?”
The question takes me by surprise. “Just Paige, and that was only after I got Dani’s permission and she had her sign an NDA.”
He leans forward, his words frozen in ice. “Dani is not your boss. You want something from me, you come to me, not her.”
“Okay.” Does this mean? “If you’re still…I mean…are you still my boss?”
The corner of his mouth tucks in and he shakes his head in disgust. “If I had my way, I’d never look at your face again, but this isn’t about me. Or you. If I hire you to resume your duties as nanny, that’s all you’ll be, do you understand? You have Dani fooled with that whole innocent I just wanted family act, but I’m not so gullible.”
“It wasn’t an act. I love Caden. I care about Dani, and what happened between us was—”
“Nothing fucking happened between us!” he roars. “We fucked a couple of times. You aren’t special. You aren’t family, and if you come back, I want to know you understand that. You’re here for Caden. That’s it.”
His words stick like needles in some vital part of me that’s buried too deep to identify. It’s a gut deep agony I can’t even begin to explain. A knot forms in my throat and tears threaten. Caden. I need to be here for Caden. “I understand.”
“You will also sign documents swearing you will not discuss me, my family, the criminal case, or anything else to do with my life with the media or anyone else. Not a friend, a boyfriend, not your fucking priest. If you screw me, Naomi, I swear to fuck I’ll remove you from Caden’s life like you were never in it, and you’ll never have another peaceful day the rest of your life.”
“I’ll sign whatever you want.” Tears spill over despite my best efforts to keep them at bay.
The unsettling silence returns while I battle to keep my emotions in check and look him in the eye. It feels like he’s weighing the decision and my entire future in those seconds, and my gut roils.
“Dani will have the paperwork for you in the morning,” he finally says as he gets to his feet and stalks out of the room.
The breath I was holding comes out on a sob. He hates me. Dani probably does too.
But I’m home.
And there’s hope.
* * *
The first few days back in Axton’s home are bittersweet. I’m overjoyed to be back with Caden, but the tension is so uncomfortable whenever Axton enters a room. Any words he has to say to me are poisoned tipped darts and he knows just where to throw them to cause the most damage. Dani frowns at him occasionally, but never comments. She doesn’t say much around me at all.
I’ve never been in a place where I was surrounded by people who don’t really want me there, and it’s hard to bear, but there’s no way I’d leave Caden again.
He’s getting better. He’s had a few tantrums and he doesn’t like it when I’m out of his sight for even a moment, but he’s eating better, and sleeping through the night.
I’ve just finished feeding him breakfast when Axton walks into the kitchen. The hard as granite look he gives me melts when he turns his attention to Caden. A grin rises on both of their faces when he pretends to take a bite off of Caden’s plate.
“Eck!” Caden giggles, then throws the spoon at him, barely missing his head.
“Don’t steal your eggs. Got it,” Axton says, tickling him for a second. He stalks past me to the coffee maker while I pick up the spoon and wash it.
“Axton.”
Hard green eyes land on mine. “Would it be okay if I took him out to his sandbox for a while? He’s been cooped up in here every day.”
“Maybe because there’s paparazzi all around the house, Naomi. You think that might be a fucking problem?” he snaps.
Dani walks in just in time to hear our conversation and he directs his next statement to her. “Make sure there’s a guard with them when they’re outside.”
Dani nods, and he hands Caden to her, then walks away. The sound of the front door slamming closed feels like a judgement as much as his sarcastic answer. Caden grins up at my forced smile while I try to ignore the heaviness in my chest. “Hey, little man. Let’s get you dressed and go outside to play.”
Caden is thrilled to be back outdoors and he’s in his own little world, playing in the sand. The security guard, a guy named Gideon, sits a good distance away, where he can keep an eye on both corners of the house and us at the same time.
With Caden distracted, it gives me too much time to think, and I pick up my phone. I’m tempted to call Paige, but she’s been avoiding me lately. Maybe she’s just busy or maybe she’s more pissed at me than she let on. After all, she lost her job. With a sigh, I set the phone back down. I have no right to feel lonely or depressed. I’m back where I wanted to be, with the amazing little guy who is dumping sand on top of his head.
“That should be fun to try to wash out later,” Dani says, and sits in a lawn chair a couple of feet away from mine.
“Sorry, I should’ve stopped him. I’ll make sure it’s all washed out.”
“I wasn’t criticizing. He dumps everything on his head. Especially food he doesn’t want to eat.”
I probably shouldn’t have taken the comment the way I did. Dani isn’t the one barking at me or watching my every move like I may be up to something. It feels like I’m walking my days on a wire, trying not to say the wrong thing and get shoved back out of their lives. Maybe because I know how lucky I was to be let back in at all. Or perhaps because I feel so guilty for what I put them through at the worst time of their lives.
