by Shade, S. M.
An uneasy silence wraps around us, broken only by Caden’s prattle. He seems to be finding his voice more and more, babbling to his toys and anything else around him.
“We were friends,” Dani murmurs, so low I almost don’t catch it.
The regret in her voice is almost as bad as the fact she said were. We were friends.
“Yes, we were. You were a good friend to me. I’m sorry I wasn’t…I’m sorry.”
I look up to see her regarding me. “Naomi, why couldn’t you tell me? I know Ax isn’t the easiest person to talk to, but we talked about a lot of things.”
Her plaintive expression is killing me, and I have no intention of giving her anything less than the truth, no matter how badly it portrays me. “I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell Axton. I was stupid. I didn’t think any of this through. I kept telling myself there was time, that I’d find a way to explain when there was no good explanation. Every day that went by made it harder to confess.”
I look her in the eye. “And then you and I became friends. That wasn’t an act, Dani. None of it was. I wasn’t pretending when it came to how I felt about Caden, or you, and I—”
“Started falling for Ax,” she interjects. “I know you were sleeping together.”
My mouth falls open. “He told you?”
“No, neither of you are very subtle. You looked like you either wanted to tear each other’s clothes off or slap the fuck out of one another every time you were in the same room. Plus, Axton was jealous over Patrick, and I’ve never seen him jealous over anyone.”
“That doesn’t matter now. I’m just here for Caden. He couldn’t have been more clear on that.” A leaf falls onto my lap, and I fiddle with it as we get quiet again.
Dani sighs, and leans back in her chair. “I think I understand why you felt like you couldn’t confess. I know what you were afraid of losing.” She gives me a sideways glance. “That doesn’t mean I’m not still pissed. You don’t realize how badly you fucked Axton up with this. You don’t know his past, and how much he was overcoming to trust you.”
Nodding, I keep my gaze on the leaf in my hands, tearing tiny strips off of it as I talk. “There aren’t enough sorries in the world. I’m mad and…” It takes me a moment to sort out exactly how I feel, to get the words right so she knows they aren’t just words. “Disappointed in myself. I’m not usually a selfish or self-centered person. But I had this singular focus when it came to Caden, and I wanted to be in his life so badly that I didn’t even take you or Axton into consideration. It was like I had this giant blind spot.” I shake my head. “Axton asked me if I ever would’ve told him.”
“Would you? Would you have ever told either of us?”
“I’d like to think so, but the closer we all got, the more you two treated me like family, the more I was afraid to lose it. The truth is I don’t know if I’d ever have said anything.” Sighing, I sprinkle the shredded leaf onto the ground. “And what does that say about me as a person? I’ve never thought of myself as narcissistic or selfish. I feel for people. I try to help people. I love kids.
“But deep down now, I’ve seen what I’m capable of and I hate it. I don’t want to be a terrible person who just disregards others to get what they want.” That’s all I’ve been able to think about lately. How I really didn’t think about or consider them.
“Nay-mi!” Caden exclaims and throws a little plastic shovel at my feet.
“We’re going to work on this new throwing habit,” I warn him, moving down to sit in the sand beside him. He doesn’t want me to play with him, just alongside him. That’s clear the first time I shovel some sand into the cup, and he shoves my hand away with a “Nuh!”
“You’re awfully bossy today, buddy,” I remark, and scoot some sand around while he goes back to playing on his own.
“I don’t think you’re a terrible person,” Dani says. “I didn’t think I was the type of person to let a man hit me.” Shame brightens her cheeks. “It wasn’t the first time he did it. I lied about that to Ax, for obvious reasons. Made excuses for him in my head.”
“I’m so glad you left him.”
“I should’ve left far sooner. I think love makes us do things that are out of character. It doesn’t excuse it—my mistake or yours—but I think it explains it.”
“Love simultaneously makes life worth living and ruins your life,” I reply with a bitter chuckle.
“Now you sound like Ax.”
“God forbid.”
Dani’s eyes meet mine, and we both laugh. “I am sorry, Dani. I hope we can be friends again.”
“I’d like that too.”
Dani and I may be on the way to repairing what I tore between us, but as the days turn to weeks, Axton makes it very clear he can barely stand to be around me. If he can avoid me, he does. If he can’t avoid me, he ignores me, which is preferable to the times he does speak to me, since he’s not able to hide the animosity in his voice.
Not that he tries to.
The pain of his anger isn’t something I can get used to, and my muscles tense up every time he enters the room. It breaks my heart to think of how I used to feel with him. The way I felt when he sang, when he kissed me, when he said I brought him joy. It seems like it happened to another person.
Which I suppose makes sense because I don’t really feel like myself anymore. I’m not accustomed to taking any sort of bad treatment from anyone, over anything. But this time, I deserve it, and I won’t lose Caden again.
My time with Caden is the bright spot in my world, the calm place in all the turmoil. He’s more like his old happy self every day and his laughter lightens the gloom that seems to hang over the house now.
He’s with me every moment that he isn’t with Axton, though Axton makes as much time for him as possible. One thing that hasn’t changed in all this. Axton has learned to be a great father.
It’s late, but I can’t sleep. Insomnia has never been an issue for me before, but now I often have trouble falling asleep and when I do sleep, it’s light and restless. The smallest noise can wake me and have me rushing to check on Caden or straining to hear if someone is in the house. It’s stupid because what I’m hearing is always someone else in the house, considering Dani and Axton are usually home, and at least one guard is on duty inside and outside.
A flash outside the window makes me jump. Was that a flashlight? Someone in the backyard with a flashlight? Adrenaline rushes through me and I pull back the curtain just as a clap of thunder rattles the house, making me jump a mile.
Lightning. It was lightning.
My heart slows, and I shake my head at how ridiculous I am. There’s no going back to sleep right now, I know that. Lying in bed with my thoughts is just too lonely tonight. Lightning flashes again as I grab the baby monitor, then take the throw blanket off of my sofa, wrap it around me, and head down to the sunroom.
The house is dark except for the living room, where the inside guard usually stays at night. I don’t bother turning on any lights. Rain begins to beat down on the glass and I curl up in the corner of the sofa to watch the storm.
It’s soothing. Watching the chaos of nature when it feels like the same is raging inside of me. Part of me has been a little worried that this is depression. I’ve never been depressed before, but I’m no stranger to how it made my mother act. I don’t think I’m depressed.
This is heartbreak. This is what it feels like to love someone and get your heart broken. Not just once but over and over, shattered almost daily by hateful words and disdainful looks. In the middle of everything else; the aftermath of all the terror of the kidnapping, the fear of ending up in prison, the devastation of being away from the only people I cared about, it’s hard to sort out what is simply a reaction to heartbreak.
I just have to get over it. I have to forget.
Being in this room, watching it light up in pale purple flashes while the rain keeps a steady rhythm around me isn’t helping. Closing my eyes, I remember the last time I was here,
in the dark. A power outage and a storm. Axton explaining that he loved the night sky because of the stars, the way they made him feel. His deep voice in the blackness rumbling along with the thunder, telling me he was going to fuck me.
An ache deepens in my chest as I recall the feel of his arms when he picked me up and took me to his room. The way he loved me that night, the things he said to me, the hope it set to flight.
Hope in both of us because there isn’t a shred of me that doesn’t believe he meant it. At the time. How could I think for one second I really had something when I knew what I was holding back from him? How could I have been so stupid and felt so happy?
Maybe that’s what happiness really is, the ability to hold nothing in your hands, and celebrate it. To just appreciate the fleeting moments.
Fuck, maybe I just need to quit brooding and go back to bed.
Chapter Seven
Axton
After the argument today with Milo, which then led to another unsuccessful back and forth with the label, a storm is fitting. That stupid song. I never should’ve shown it to them. They want it on the album, and I’m outvoted in all directions.
Sleep isn’t coming tonight and I’m too restless to sit in my room. The hallway is dark and other than the sound of the storm, the house is quiet. I peek in on Hatch, who sleeps splayed out in his crib, then start toward my music room.
Lightning flashes and Naomi’s startled face lights up right in front of me. “Jesus! What the fuck?”
“Sorry! I was just…going to my room.”
We’re right outside Dani’s door and she pops it open, letting light spill over us. “What’s going on?”
Naomi opens her mouth to speak, but I beat her to it. “That’s what I want to know. Why are you out here creeping around in the dark?”
“I…couldn’t sleep. I was just watching the storm in the sunroom.”
“Did you ever hear of turning a fucking light on?”
“Ax…” Dani sighs, like I’m the one being unreasonable.
Naomi glances at Dani, aiming her words at her. “Sorry, I’m going to bed.”
Dani stares at me after Naomi’s door clicks shut, then grabs my arm and tugs me into her room. “I thought you wanted her back here.”
My arms fold over my chest. “Hatch needed her back here. I never wanted her.”
Dani perches on the edge of her bed. “Lie to yourself all you want, but I know you cared about her. You still do. That’s why you’re so pissed.”
“I’m pissed because she was a fucking fraud. And we don’t know what she was really up to.”
“Bullshit. You never would’ve brought her back here if you thought she was up to something. She lied to us and you have every right to be angry. You two had something, which makes it worse, and you’re hurt.”
For fuck’s sake. Can every woman in my life just see through me now?
“But you need to figure out whether you can get past it or not, Ax, because this isn’t healthy. For you or her, but especially for Caden. He’s not too young to notice how you talk to her. Do you want him to think it’s okay to treat women the way you’ve been treating her?”
I’m getting chewed out by my sister and damn if I don’t feel shame leak in to join the other roiling emotions I’m juggling. “Are you done?”
“No.” She stalks toward me and catches me off guard with a hug. “Also, I love you.”
It takes me a moment to respond, but I tighten my arms around her. “I love you too, Brat.”
“The worst is over, but the trial will be coming, plus your tour when we’ll all be traveling together again. We have to get our shit together.”
She’s not wrong.
After she heads to bed, I slip back out into the hall. A faint strip of light glows from under Naomi’s door. She must still be awake.
She startled me, coming out of that room, like she walked out of the storm and my thoughts. I brought Naomi back here for Hatch, but part of me wanted the chance to torture her, to make her feel the way I did the moment I found out that she was lying to me.
Maybe I’m just not sadistic enough because while it might be gratifying in the moment to spew all the rage onto her and watch her cower, it leaves me feeling empty and sick.
The way I felt around her before, the calm happiness she used to bring out of me now wars with the anger and pain of knowing I can’t trust her. Every thought of her, smiling up at me, lying in my bed, running her nails across my scalp as she came…they’re all tainted the second I remember.
One thing is clear. I cared too much. It’s almost like the universe intervened to make sure to put a stop to it. To remind me of the damage I’ve done in the past.
Exhaustion washes over me and going to bed suddenly doesn’t sound like a bad idea, though I still spend most of the night tossing and turning.
Breathes the World. They want that damn song on the album. This is the downside of writing I imagine all artists come face to face with eventually. If you write those moments into your work, the emotions come with them, and now I’ll have to sing about her over and over. With lyrics that aren’t exactly subtle, she’ll know what it’s about. Everyone else sure does, and I feel like an idiot.
It feels like I’ve just fallen asleep when my alarm screeches at me. Early studio session today. Ugh.
Coffee, that’s what I need. Naomi has the same thought because she’s pouring a cup of her nasty cold coffee when I enter the kitchen. I’m used to the cautious, guarded looks she usually throws me now, but this time she doesn’t seem to notice I’m in the room.
Placing the cup of coffee on the counter, she opens the cupboard and retrieves a package of cookies. As she picks up her snack, I reach over her shoulder for a mug from the shelf.
A sharp gasp is followed by the sound of the cup she was holding shattering on the floor. Wide eyes find my face and it seems to take her a moment to recognize me. “Shit! I’m so sorry!”
She squats down and starts picking up the shards of glass, babbling, “So sorry. Your arm. I just saw an arm and…thought it was going around my neck. Like…before. I’m sorry.”
“Naomi,” I snap, and she pauses to look up at me. God, she’s a wreck. Has she been this bad and I just didn’t notice in my own anger and confusion? Blood begins to drip from her finger. “Stop, you’ve cut yourself.”
I take her wrist and pull her up until she stands. There’s no argument when I steer her toward the sink and turn on the cold water. Gideon steps into the room. “Is everything okay?”
“We’re good. Just a broken glass. There’s a first aid kit in the guest bathroom.”
“I’ll get it.” He retreats and Naomi flinches a little when the water runs over her finger.
It’s not deep enough for stitches, but close. Naomi tries to pull her wrist out of my grip when Gideon returns and hands me the kit.
“I’m fine. Just needs a band aid,” she mumbles.
“Would you hold still for fuck’s sake and let me take care of it?”
“That stings.”
“Don’t be a baby.”
The sideways look she gives me triggers a sudden urge to bend her over the counter and fuck her good and hard. It’s a smart ass look I haven’t seen since she came back. The same one that often accompanied her sharp tongue and the attitude that drove me crazy. I haven’t seen that side of her I found so sexy since she started walking on eggshells around me.
Her gaze meets mine and I know she feels it too. Through all the anger and chaos, it’s still there. Call it chemistry or hormones or attraction, but whatever it is, it hasn’t died, not even close. It’s still struggling, tugging at the space we’ve put between us.
It’s everything I can do to pull my eyes away and return my focus to her hand. For such a little cut, it bleeds a lot, but I finally get it to stop and set the reddened piece of gauze aside while I coat the pad of the band-aid with antibiotic ointment.
“There was so much blood when I stuck that knife in his arm,�
� she murmurs, staring at the gauze. I’m not sure if she’s talking to me or just remarking to herself. “The way it slid in. I can’t forget that. It makes me feel sick.”
For the first time since I found out about Naomi’s relationship to Caden, I let myself think about what she went through that night. How terrifying it must’ve been to be standing in this very spot, at home, where you’re supposed to feel safe, and have an arm wrap around your neck. To hear gunshots a room away. Through that fear, she still managed to react, to stab him, to try to get away. And all the while she could hear Caden screaming, probably for her.
I’m well aware of what trauma can do. Opening that door became a singular point in my life, one I still relive in nightmares, and I wasn’t in any personal danger. How many arms will reach around her neck in the night from now on?
“Naomi.” My voice is firm but not severe. “Look at me.”
Exhausted eyes land on mine. “You’re safe here. We’re all safe here or we wouldn’t have returned. I have security everywhere. A car doesn’t get near our street without me knowing who’s driving it. No one will even knock on the door or ring the bell. They’ll be escorted up here. Even the band is. Nothing like that will ever happen to you again. I won’t let it.”
“Is everything okay?” Dani asks, stepping into the room, and I realize I’m still holding Naomi’s bandaged hand.
Naomi steps back from me, pulls her hand away, and forces a smile in Dani’s direction. “Fine. I just broke a glass and cut my finger.”
Caden starts to fuss from his crib.
“Go get him. I’ll clean this up.”
Naomi nods and rushes from the kitchen, but Dani watches me as I grab some paper towels.
I can feel her scrutinizing stare on me as I clean up the mess until she finally speaks. “Have you and Naomi made up, then?”
