by Shade, S. M.
“Got it.” On her way out the door she adds, “I’m going out for drinks with Clara tonight. I’ll probably just crash at their place so don’t worry if I don’t come home.”
All the arrangements are made for the concert in record time and I have to be in the studio tomorrow to rehearse and work out our set list. Debuting new music is always nerve wracking, but fun. Muscle memory hasn’t set in yet and we’re more likely to make mistakes or flub the lyrics. Since we aren’t the only performers, we’ll probably only play three or four songs.
As great as it will be to get back onstage, I know it’ll draw attention to us again and increase the chance of being overwhelmed by paparazzi. Especially since my first performance since the kidnapping is for a charity that helps with just that.
The holidays are coming up and we’ve never made much of a big deal of them before, but I have a son now, and I need to give him some normalcy. Some family. A few phone calls is all it takes to arrange a week long vacation at a lodge in northern Wisconsin for Thanksgiving. It’s good to be able to use the label’s travel agency for stuff like this. The band and their families and girlfriends are all coming with us.
A week after the concert, we’ll be far away from all the noise and I can’t wait to see Hatch’s reaction to snow.
“Da-di!” A bang on the door of my music room makes me laugh. I’ve been summoned.
“Come on, you sneaky thing, let’s go play,” I hear Naomi coax him. She looks up at me with a grin when I open the door. “I turned my back for one second to get a towel and he took off. He’s gotten fast.”
Tiny hands claw at my pants. “I think he wants to show you his new toy, if you aren’t busy.”
Sweeping him up, I tip him upside down, making him giggle. “Did you get another new toy? Spoiled rotten.”
With Hatch in my arms, I follow Naomi back to the sunroom where she has a tarp laid across the floor with a large plastic tub in the middle. “He loves playing in the sand so much, that I thought he’d like these. Now that we have days where it’s too nasty to be outside.”
“Down!” Hatch twists in my arms, and I set him on his feet.
“What are they?”
Naomi sits beside the tub and places a large cup and a smaller one in front of Hatch. The tub is filled to the brim with tiny multicolored balls. “Water beads.”
Hatch grabs the large cup, dunks it in the beads, pulls it back out and dumps it into the smaller cup. A scattering of beads roll in all directions and he laughs, proud of his accomplishment. He sits on his knees and buries his hands in the beads, waving them back and forth with an excited squeal.
“I think you picked a winner.”
Naomi beams at him and the look on her face is pure love. The same shines in his eyes when he looks back at her. I’m not happy about the way she lied to me, but I understand a little more now. Especially after learning she can’t have children. She loves him like a son, and he loves her like a mother. Whatever comes now, I’ll make sure that bond isn’t broken.
I just have to keep my hands off of her. All that anger I felt has faded, and I wasn’t prepared to find the feelings I had for her still there. Even if none of this had happened, if she hadn’t been deceiving me, I couldn’t have been with her. I know better than that. I’ve spent years keeping my distance from women, only having sex if it was paid for, because I know better. With her, something just overrode my common sense.
“Da-di!” Hatch shrieks.
“All right, dude.” The tarp crinkles as I sit between them and dunk my hands into the beads. They feel odd, like slippery, squishy rubber marbles. “They’re wet!”
Naomi snorts and rolls her eyes at me. “That’s why they’re called water beads.” My sideways look is met with a smirk that I want to kiss off her face. “They start out a lot smaller, then grow when they’re soaked for a few hours.”
Hatch grabs a handful and squeezes, making them spurt into the air, bounce across the floor and roll. His giggle is infectious. I stick my hand back in and let the beads run through my fingers.
We spend the next half hour playing with Hatch. He hands each of us a cup and scoops tiny handfuls of the beads, spilling part of them on the two steps back to us, and then dumping them in one of the cups.
“He’d do this all night,” I chuckle.
“I’m just happy he’s finally stopped putting everything in his m-o-u-t-h,” Naomi says. “These are non-toxic, but he could choke on them, so he has to be watched close.”
Hatch is saying more and more words, but also understanding more. There are certain things that are better spelled in front of him now. He yawns, and Naomi gets to her feet. “I should get him cleaned up and ready for bed.”
“Nuh!” Hatch cries, whipping his head around at the word bed.
She smiles and kneels down to talk to him. “I know you want to keep playing but it’s time for a bath. We’ll play again tomorrow.”
“Nuuuuh,” he screeches, throwing himself on the floor.
“Well, that’s new,” I remark, staring at him. He hasn’t had a tantrum since she came back.
Naomi grins, shaking her head. “And he isn’t even near the terrible twos yet. It’s best to just ignore it and keep him on task.” She glances around the room. “I’ll get this cleaned up after he’s down for the night.”
“Da-di!” he shouts, diving into my lap.
“You think he’s going to save you, huh?” Naomi chuckles, tossing some of the scattered beads back into the container. They’re everywhere.
“I’ll give him a bath and put him to bed,” I tell her, getting to my feet. “No escape, dude,” I whisper to Hatch as he struggles to get out of my arms.
Surprise is stamped on her face when she looks up at me. “Okay, yell if you need me. I mean, if you need something. If Caden needs something.”
Chapter Ten
Naomi
Another sip of wine slides down my throat, and I tuck my feet beneath me on the couch, smiling at the sound of Axton’s voice as he bathes Caden. There’s more playing than washing going on and Caden’s giggles spill down the hallway.
It’s been a long day, and I’ve just cleaned up the sunroom, and laid out Caden’s pajamas for the night in his room. Since Axton’s taking over, my plan is to relax in the sunroom with some music and a couple glasses of wine.
Things seem to be getting better, finally. Dani and I talk like friends again, and though I try not to spend too much time with Axton, I’m happy that he’s acting normal around me. It feels like there’s some hope we can get things back to how they were before. Well, before Axton and I slept together.
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get over someone I see every day, but I’m doing my best. Dating would probably be a good idea, but I can’t imagine how that would work since I can’t even leave the house without security.
Oh well, I have Caden. I have Dani to talk to sometimes, and maybe once I’m traveling on the next tour, I’ll make some friends. There were some pretty cool people with us last time. For now, I can be happy how things are, even though there are times when loneliness creeps in.
The anxiety over the future that churns in my head all the time is exhausting. There’s just too much uncertainty to relax. I’m not a suspect anymore, but the trial is going to be awful, and I’ve already been warned I’ll be called to testify about what happened that night. It’s going to be horrible for Axton to relive it all as well.
One thing I’ve learned from Axton is that music helps. With the lights turned low, I put my earbuds in, sip my wine, and just let myself relax. It’s a good way to turn off my mind, hide from all the noise.
An hour ticks by, and stress slips out of me, replaced by the warm buzz of the wine. I close my eyes, just soaking it in. When I open them, Axton stares down at me. Jerking one earbud out, I sit up. “What?”
“I didn’t say anything.” He takes a seat on the armchair, a good distance away from me.
Okay then. “Caden asleep?”
“Before I got two pages through his book,” he chuckles. I expect to see alcohol in his hand since that’s when he tends to want to be around me, but he’s empty handed. “What are you listening to?”
“A new artist. Dermot Kennedy.”
“Cast it to the speakers.”
My initial instinct is to tell him to stop giving me orders and the smirk he’s trying to suppress says he knows it. I’m not going to let him get under my skin no matter what side of him I get tonight; bossy, charming, or aloof. Instead of arguing, I pick up my phone, switch the connection to the speakers, and start the album over.
He leans back in the chair, propping his foot on his knee. God, how can the way he sits be sexy? Because it isn’t the pose. It’s him.
After listening in silence through the first song, he nods. “Guy’s good.”
“There’s some beautiful piano in his acoustic versions.”
After a moment, he speaks up again. “Has Dani told you about the concert yet?” My blank look is all he needs to continue. “Next week. We’ll be going to Ohio to do a fundraising concert for the Institute for Missing Children. I want you and Caden with me. Backstage, not in the audience. The first public appearance is going to draw a lot of attention.”
“Maybe we should stay here.” I hold my breath hoping he’ll disagree. I want to go. I want to get out of this house and around some people, see the other performances, but whatever he thinks is safest for Caden is what I’ll do.
“No, I don’t want him that far away from me. We’ll be taking the bus and staying two nights in a hotel while we’re there.”
“Okay. I’ll be ready.”
“Be ready to spend the week of Thanksgiving in Wisconsin. We’re meeting the band up there at a lodge. It’ll be freezing and probably buried in snow.”
That I didn’t expect. I hadn’t even given the upcoming holidays a thought. “Is Dani going?”
“Of course. It’s a family thing. Clara and their baby will be there, and the guys will probably bring someone.”
A family thing. I’m not going to let myself study those words right now. “Okay, I’ll need to take Caden shopping for some warmer clothes.”
He nods and falls silent.
I’m buzzed and alone with him. Not good. He’s made it clear we can’t let anything happen again, but neither of us has the best self-control. I finish my second glass of wine, get to my feet, and mumble a good night to him before retreating to my room.
I’m happy with the news. A concert and then a week away where I can hang out with other people. It sounds like a lot of fun. I try to focus on that as I turn out my light and climb into bed, instead of thinking about the way I always feel around him. That empty yearning that tugs at my chest when I walk away from him.
After making sure the baby monitor is on, I put one of my earbuds back in and lie in the dark, listening until I fall asleep.
* * *
This concert may be for charity, but the label has spared no expense on the accommodations. The hotel we’re put up in is beautiful and the staff swarm around us like they’re catering to royalty, not a group of musicians and their crew.
I’ve been excited and nervous for this day. On the festival tour, I met and spent time with quite a few of the people who will be here at this event, and I’m looking forward to seeing them again, but I don’t know how they’ll react to me now. I’m the infamous nanny who let Axton’s kid get taken and was even marched in front of cameras to the back of a cop car and held in custody for days.
Most of what happened didn’t get leaked to the public. They’ve seen enough to know I was questioned and cleared, but fortunately the reason why didn’t get out. The fact that I’ve returned as Axton’s nanny seems to be enough for the average person to believe I was innocent.
The rest of Tragic has been at the house multiple times and they don’t treat me any differently. I hope it won’t be weird with the others. People are bound to be curious but I’m sure as hell not answering any questions. I wouldn’t want to even if I hadn’t signed multiple NDA’s swearing I wouldn’t discuss it.
Dani and I are in a suite right across from Axton’s, and he insists on a security guard outside our door both nights. This place is draped in security. I’m not sure if it’s because Tragic is here or if it’s the usual precaution for an event with so many big name performers. Either way, safety doesn’t seem like a problem.
Axton will allow me to keep Caden in the hotel when he’s rehearsing and during the soundcheck but insists on having him backstage during the concert. Dani will be there too, so I’m hoping to be able to catch some of the other acts. Even if she’s too busy to keep Caden for a bit, we can watch from the side of the stage.
Once we’re checked into our rooms, Axton, Dani, and the band leave for the venue—which is just around the corner—for the rehearsal. If things were normal, walking there probably would’ve been faster.
It takes Caden about an hour to get bored in the suite, so I take him down to the restaurant with the security guard in tow. I’ll never get used to having someone follow me around, but I’m not going to complain.
As soon as the hostess has seated us and brought a highchair for Caden, my head jerks up at the sound of my name.
Patrick Thorn waves from the entrance, and his long strides eat up the floor. His smile is wide, showing his teeth as he approaches us. “Hey Naomi! It’s good to see you!”
That’s one person who isn’t going to act weird around me at least.
I get to my feet to give him a quick hug. “It’s good to see you too. Dani said you were going to be here. Do you want to join us?” It appears he’s here alone.
“Yeah, thanks.” He takes a seat and the waitress approaches to take our order. After she leaves, he looks me in the eye. “How have you been?”
That’s a question I have no idea how to answer. The truth would sound something like “Well, I fucked up royally and the man I’m in love with went from hating me to ignoring me to fucking me then back to being ambivalent. Half the world probably still distrusts me and I’m paranoid every night I hear a noise that doesn’t sound right. I have no life outside of Caden and can’t see a way to get one. On the bright side, I’m not in prison, and I’m back where I want to be with the people I care about even if the feeling isn’t mutual.”
Forcing a smile, my actual response is, “I’m doing good. How about you?”
“All good here.” He grins at Caden. “What are you up to, buddy?”
Caden bursts into a cheesy smile and points to me. “Nay-mi!”
“Is that your Nay-mi? I’m just going to eat with you guys and talk to her, okay?” he teases. Caden has already lost interest and moved on to playing with his napkin.
It’s so refreshing to have a conversation that isn’t filled with tension and where I’m not afraid of saying the wrong thing. Patrick was a lot of fun to hang out with during the festival tour. We had more in common because he isn’t really a partier like the other musicians. He also doesn’t seem to be affected by the massive egos on most of them. His shy, awkward, boyishness is kind of soothing.
We laugh and talk our way through the meal reminiscing about the things that happened on the last tour and discussing what might be expected on the next. “You’re still planning to come along, then?” he asks.
It’s obvious why he’d have doubts, but Axton hasn’t said anything to the contrary. “As far as I know.”
“Good.”
The conversation turns to the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and I’m surprised when Patrick says he really doesn’t have any plans. “My parents are going to Italy for a second honeymoon. I could go to my sister’s place, but her husband isn’t a fan of mine. When I realized I was dreading the thought of visiting them, I decided it was silly when I don’t have to go. I’ll check with my friends and see what they’re doing, but I’m not averse to just skipping it.” He shrugs. “What about you? Any plans?”
I’m not sure what I’m allowed
to talk about anymore when it comes to anything that includes Ax and the band, so I don’t reveal where we’re going. “Axton has some week long getaway planned with the band and their families. It’ll be nice to escape from the paparazzi for a while.”
“I’ll bet. I admit I’m a little envious of Tragic’s quick rise to success—not that I begrudge them, they deserve it—but that level of fame isn’t something I envy.”
“On a good day, it’s barely controlled chaos,” I laugh, and reach to wipe off Caden’s mouth.
Patrick checks his phone. “I should go. I’m the opener tomorrow and we still need to get some stuff done.”
“Good luck! I’ll try to catch your performance,” I assure him before we go our separate ways again.
I’m pleasantly surprised every time I run into someone I know over the course of the evening. I’m not naïve enough to think there isn’t gossip going around behind my back, but face to face, everyone is friendly and kind.
All the excitement has worn Caden out, and I’m just putting him to bed when Axton and Dani return. There’s a light in Axton’s eyes I haven’t seen in a while. Just being back on a stage to rehearse, in his element, has been good for him. He sweeps his long hair back with his fingers and I can smell the faint scent of his sweat when he takes Caden out of my arms. It does terrible things to me.
Axton takes him to my bedroom to read him his bedtime story, returning after just a few minutes. “He’s out.” His gaze travels from me to Dani. “Are you two in for the night?”
“Yes,” I reply and Dani nods absently, looking at her phone.
He glances at Dani. “The interview tomorrow for the local radio station. Have they been sent the guidelines?”
“Yes, they know not to ask any personal questions or anything pertaining to the kidnapping or court case. Just talk about the music. The VIP fan meet and greet gathering is at five. You’re sharing the room with Patrick Thorn and Sharp Edge. Soundcheck is at seven, you go on at nine. There’s an itinerary in your room if you forget.”
