Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  Your thirteen-year-old who is failing to perform in school isn’t just being lazy. Your eight-year-old who is calling you every name in the book isn’t deliberately trying to reduce you to tears. In order to effectively prevent these and other challenging behaviors, you have to stop and ask, Why is this occurring? What’s the real feeling and need that is fueling the flames of misbehavior?

  The four common threads—temperament, medical factors, stress, and developmental stages—can guide you to the real emotions behind your child’s behavior. You can use these threads to unravel the mysteries of power struggles with much greater ease. And once you’ve identified the feelings, you’ll know what strategies to choose. If your child is refusing to eat breakfast in the morning because temperamentally he’s sensitive to smells and finds the odor of the banana you’re eating nauseating, you’ll win his cooperation by eating your banana after he’s left for school. But if he’s not eating because fear of the bully on the school bus has his stomach rolling, eating your banana later won’t help a bit. In order to win his cooperation, you’ll have to soothe and calm him and find ways to help him stop the bully. Emotions—that’s what these power struggles are all about. The better we understand what we and our kids are feeling, the easier it is to respond sensitively and find effective ways to work together. So let’s begin by grabbing the thread that takes us to the emotions tied to temperament.

  EIGHT

  Why You Blow

  Understanding your Temperament

  “Each of us is born into the world as someone; we spend the rest of our lives trying to find out who.”

  —Dean Hamer and

  Peter Copeland,

  Living with Our Genes

  Lori didn’t get it. Weren’t all kids supposed to like to go to the park? But when she suggested an outing to her son, David, he’d burst into tears. He didn’t want to go. Or if they were out running errands and she suggested that they stop at the library to get a few books, David would insist on going home. Lori loved spontaneity, but with David everything had to be planned or he had a fit. David had reacted this way practically since day one. They were so different, and it was often those differences that got them into power struggles.

  Sometimes, however, it was their similarities that got them into trouble. Take the grocery store. Lori hated buying groceries. The smells in the deli department repulsed her, and the lighting was awful. Before she finished shopping, her head would be pounding from the glare. Moving through the store, she seemed to “suck in” the moods of the other shoppers. She knew immediately who was in a big hurry, and when someone was impatient with a clerk, she felt their words like a physical blow. It took every ounce of self-control she had to make it through the grocery store, and, inevitably, that’s when David would lose it because he, too, went nuts with all of the stimulation. She’d try to stay calm and soothe him, but if he continued to be upset more than a few minutes, she’d find herself ready to scream as well.

  And David didn’t give up. Of course, neither did she. They could debate for fifteen minutes whether there was enough syrup on the pancakes or not, and by then the breakfast was cold. If he asked for a cookie at eight A.M. and she told him he had to wait for lunch, he’d ask her again fifty times if it was lunchtime yet.

  In her dreams, before David was born, she’d imagined sitting quietly by the fire reading to her child. In reality she spent hours chasing after him. He didn’t want to be cuddled, except at bedtime for just a few minutes. Even then he often jumped in and out of her lap. The power struggles seemed inevitable. What she liked, he hated. What bothered her set him off, too. And no matter what, they both wanted to win!

  Understanding Temperament

  Variety, that’s what makes life rich, and when it comes to people, Mother Nature has provided us with a smorgasbord of styles. The challenge is to enjoy those styles rather than let them pull us into power struggles.

  Even at birth infants express their individuality. Some babies vigorously cycle their arms and legs and let loose with lusty, expressive cries. Others watch intently, slowly cycling their limbs or letting out a mere whimper to indicate their discomfort.

  Thanks to new studies on identical twins reared apart, genetics research, molecular biology, and neuroscience, we now know that many of our personality traits are the result of our genetic makeup. Researchers call this inborn dimension of personality “temperament.”

  Temperament describes how we perceive the world and our first and most natural responses to those perceptions. It includes how sensitive we are, how we react to new things, our activity level, intensity, persistence, and how easily we shift from one thing to another.

  Temperament is not learned from parents or books, nor can the traits be easily controlled through willpower alone. A baby doesn’t decide to be active or inactive, she just is. A child doesn’t choose to feel the seam in his sock and experience shivers down his spine as a result, it just happens. It’s part of who he is, just like the color of his eyes or hair.

  Why Temperament Is Important

  Temperament is one of the real fuel sources that may lie behind the power struggles you are experiencing with your child. By his very nature, your child may be slow to adapt. If that’s true, the odds are that he hates surprises of any kind, and shifting from one thing to another is so distressing that you end up in power struggles. If you’re quick to adapt, you don’t even notice transitions. Switching plans or stopping one thing and starting another is no big deal. Your child’s reaction to change can drive you nuts. Or, if you’re like Lori and David, and you’re both highly sensitive, then lights, smells, sounds, and emotions can easily overwhelm you, making it that much tougher to keep your cool and stay connected.

  By understanding temperament you will be better able to:

  understand the emotions you and your child are experiencing, like the deep distress experienced by a slow-to-adapt child when she has to leave her friend’s house, or the exhaustion of the active child who’s been forced to sit still for long periods of time.

  predict potential “triggers”—the things that set both of you off.

  select the most effective strategies to help you to eliminate or minimize those triggers.

  maximize the pleasures and reduce the frustrations of working with your child.

  reduce the number of visits to your pediatrician because you understand what’s “normal” for your child and therefore worry less.

  Finally, understanding temperament allows you to stop trying to change your child or yourself and instead find ways to work together and enjoy each other more.

  Understanding Yourself Helps You Understand Your Child

  In order to understand the feelings that your child’s temperament generates, you need to understand your own temperament. When you can identify your feelings it’s much easier to work with your child’s.

  Take a look at the following temperament chart. Each trait is placed on a continuum—from a mild reaction to a strong reaction or from high to low. Read through the statements listed for each side of the continuum. Think about your first and most natural reactions. Which responses fit you best?

  Remember there are no right or wrong answers. Our goal is to gain an understanding of ourselves so we can maximize our abilities as emotion coaches.

  * * *

  1. Persistence

  If you are involved in a task and your child interrupts or asks for your help, do you find it frustrating and difficult to stop?

  If your child tells you no, do you want to push harder for compliance?

  easily stop or let go

  don’t mind interruptions

  difficult to stop or let go

  want to finish

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  low persistence

  high persistence

  * * *

  If you’re a highly persistent adult, it’s likely that you are committed to your goals! You not only lik
e to concentrate on a task, you need an opportunity to finish something. When you’re focused on your kids, they have your full attention. Nothing can deter you, and when it comes to holding the line and setting a limit, you’re confident and willing to do battle.

  But there are challenges to this trait as well. When you’re focused on a task, those numerous interruptions from children can drive you wild. As your intensity rises, your ability to be a nurturing emotion coach declines. And because you are focused, you might miss cues that the kids’ tempers are escalating, or you might try to hold them off with “just a minute” until they’re at an explosive level. Sometimes when you’re highly persistent, it’s tough to be as flexible as the job of taking care of children requires, especially when your child is as persistent as you are and has plans that conflict with yours. It can also be difficult for you to tell yourself you’ve done a good job when it feels like you haven’t gotten a thing done all day.

  In order to stay out of power struggles, it’s essential that you clearly look at the expectations you’ve established. Can you truly accomplish all the tasks you’ve set out for yourself and still nurture your children? Or do you need to cross a few items off the list, remembering that spending time with your kids is essential to your relationship?

  My husband realized early in our marriage that he had wed a very persistent woman. So every Saturday he’d ask me to make a list of all I wanted to accomplish. Inevitably he’d glance at the list and ask, “Where’s the fun?” I’d have to add an interesting activity so that later I could enjoy crossing it off the list! Then he’d read my list out loud, not mocking me, just reading it, and as I listened to him, I always realized I would need a month to accomplish my “to do” list, not a single day. Persistent adults need to remember that spending time with children counts! It is an accomplishment. We just have to wait a long time for the final product to evolve.

  Recognize, too, that interruptions trigger you. The next time your child asks for help or interrupts you, stop yourself from automatically saying “no” or “not now,” which will set both of you off. Instead, stop, pause, breath deeply, and decide: Can you work together? Could you set a timer? Is there a creative solution you can both accept, or is it time to stop and refocus your attention?

  If you really do need to accomplish a task and have young children, find another adult who can care for your children and let you concentrate. Everyone will benefit.

  When you understand your persistence and the emotions that are generated by it, it’s much easier to stay out of those power struggles!

  If you’re an adult who finds yourself on the low persistence end of the continuum, it’s probably easier for you to let go of a task and shift attention to your kids. The frequent demands of young children really don’t bother you, and as a result, you can usually stay calm as you deal with the interruptions. If need be, you can stop and start a task ten times. And while you do sometimes feel guilty about the things that don’t’ get finished, you usually do complete the important things. Give yourself credit for your ability to let go.

  Your biggest challenge is holding the line. It isn’t that you’re a pushover. You’re not. You just don’t like dealing with the drawn-out battles.

  Think carefully about your standards so that when the time comes to hold the line, you’re ready and you can do so without feeling guilty. And don’t forget to get your backup, that other adult who will support you when you truly need to hold the line.

  * * *

  2. Sensitivity

  How aware are you of sights, sounds, smells, textures, or tastes?

  Do slight noises irritate you? Do you notice subtle changes in temperature or lighting?

  not easily irritated by smells, tastes, or noises etc.; enjoy amusement parks, fairs, etc.

  easily irritated by noises, lighting in a crowded store; a child crying or asking questions in a loud voice can drive you wild

  can wear clothing of any texture; rarely notice changes in temperature

  very particular about how clothing “feels”

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  low sensitivity

  high sensitivity

  * * *

  If you are a highly sensitive individual, any sensation—a child’s shriek, glaring lights, a noxious smell, or a slight rattle—has the potential to trigger you. All five senses may not pose a challenge for you; for instance, you might be bothered by lights but not smells. But whatever offends you does so profoundly. It’s nearly impossible to listen to your child or to soothe him when the tags in the back of your shirt are driving you wild or the person next to you is cracking her gum. Add to all the potential sensorial assaults a mess like dirty dishes sitting on the counter, or toys, shoes, and clothes all over the floor, and your intensity rises very quickly. It’s likely, however, that all your life you’ve been told you were too sensitive or picky. So now when you start to feel bombarded, too hot, or irritated by the noises around you, you get frustrated with yourself for being so sensitive. As a result you may be tempted to ignore or deny your feelings until they overwhelm you.

  And if your child is also sensitive, you may feel as though your worst nightmare is occurring. You don’t want her to suffer the ridicule you’ve experienced, and do your best to stop her from being so sensitive.

  If you’re a highly sensitive adult, be kind to yourself. Try to remember that high stimulation levels make it very difficult for you to focus on your child. It takes all of your energy simply to manage your own strong reactions to the stimuli. In order to keep your cool and stay connected with your child, monitor stimulation levels and their effects on you closely. Shop during “quiet times” whenever possible. Know when to take a break; leave that family gathering, shopping center, or amusement park before you’re at your limit. Don’t let tags, harsh lighting. or weird noises send you over the edge and pull you into fights with your kids that would never happen if you weren’t on stimulation overload.

  Most important, appreciate your sensitivity and your child’s. Celebrate it! You are who you are. Recognize that it is your sensitivity that allows you to monitor the emotions of others. Few things escape your notice. You sense a problem and can potentially take preventive actions before things get out of hand—if you’ll respect and listen to your keen senses.

  There’s little that will trigger individuals on the low end of the sensitivity continuum. It’s easy for you to stay calm and focused even in the most stimulating of environments. You can breeze through a shopping mall for hours without feeling barraged.

  But sometimes it’s hard to be patient or to understand why the texture of meat makes your child gag, or why his shoes have to be tied just right. And you really do not appreciate it when your sensitive child keeps turning down your radio or television because for her it’s too loud.

  Your greatest challenge is to become aware of sensory stimuli that may trigger your child. Because you do not personally experience the sensations your highly sensitive child does, it may be easy for you to miss potential triggers. Even when you don’t sense it, try to affirm your child’s feeling. Believe her and be willing to leave when she tells you that she cannot eat in a restaurant because the smell of jalepeños is making her sick. Understand, too, that going to the movie theater, amusement park, or mall is an endurance test, not fun for highly sensitive people. Your sensitive child is not trying to control you when she asks to go home. Truly, the stimuli are driving her wild. And do cut the tags out of her clothing, find socks without seams and buy jackets that feel right. She’s not just trying to make you late in the morning; the sensations these articles of clothing create can be unbearable to her.

  * * *

  3. Adaptability

  How easily do you shift from one activity or idea to another?

  How easily do you adapt to surprises or changes in your schedule?

  easily cope with surprises

  drained by the constant surprise
s you face as a parent

  easily change plans

  find changing plans distressful

  shift easily from one activity to another

  find shifting from one activity to another difficult

  adjust quickly to changes in routine or schedule

  find changes in your routine or plans frustrating

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  adapts quickly

  adapts slowly

  * * *

  “Organized” and “predictable” are words that describe individuals who need time to adapt. It’s easy for you to establish routines and rituals for morning and bedtime because you like them. If you know what’s expected ahead of time, you have little problem adapting to changes. You’re less likely to overprogram your child or fill your day with multiple transitions because you don’t like them. You like to stay focused and enjoy the moment.

  If you’re a parent who’s slow to adapt, you’ll get pulled into power struggles when you’re rushed or surprised. Unexpected meetings or appointments, a child who needs pants ironed or a diaper changed at the last minute, or discovering that the car is out of gas are all things that can upset you. You don’t want to change your plans and may attempt to stick to your schedule no matter what! That means that when the school nurse calls and says your child needs to be checked for pinkeye today, you schedule the appointment on top of the normal piano lessons, rather than canceling the lessons for that week. The result is chaos, kids and parents on overload shrieking as you all dash down the highway.

  Slow adaptability can also pull you into power struggles when your child changes the plans on you. You pick her up from school expecting to have a quiet evening at home. She wants to go swimming at the YMCA with her friends. Rather than shift, your first reaction may be to say no, and the fight begins.