Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  Finally they stepped out into the light. Corrine sighed with relief. Her mother noticed it and turned to look at her. Corrine wasn’t smiling. Instead, she appeared to be in deep thought. When Amanda asked Corrine what she was thinking about, she simply shrugged. In the past, Amanda would have brushed past the moment and left, but that was before she knew about temperament. Now she stopped, looked carefully at Corrine, and said, “I think you’re trying to figure out how you feel right now. The look on your face makes me wonder if something upset you?” Corrine nodded.

  Knowing that a trigger trait for Corrine was her cautious first reaction, Amanda continued. “New situations often make you feel uncomfortable. Was there something you’re thinking you wanted to do that you didn’t do because you weren’t comfortable yet?” Once again Corrine nodded. “Do you want to go back inside?” Amanda guessed. Tears rolled from the corner of Corrine’s eyes. “I wanted to touch the wall,” she whispered. “I’ll take you back and stay right with you, if you want to try,” Amanda offered. And so they did. It wasn’t as crowded now. Corrine could stand and scrutinize the wall carefully.

  While Corrine stood there, her mother brushed her own hand across the wall and described the sensations to Corrine. “It looks wet, but it’s not. It’s just shiny,” she explained. “You’d think it was cold, but it’s actually warm. The texture is rough, but it doesn’t hurt my fingers.” And then she stopped and waited. Cautiously, Corrine reached out. Quickly she touched one finger to the wall. A huge smile shattered the frown on her face and then she giggled as she placed her entire hand on the wall.

  Amanda grinned with pure joy and relief. Before she learned about temperament she hadn’t understood Corrine’s reactions and too many outings had turned into huge power struggles. Now things were different.

  Goodness of Fit

  When you understand your own temperament and your child’s, you can more accurately identify the feelings and needs each of you is experiencing. You’re not left in the dark, mystified as to what’s happening. You know yourself and your child, and it’s that knowledge that allows you to identify the emotions and choose a more sensitive and effective response. Ultimately, it’s what Drs. Stella Chess and Alex Thomas call a “goodness of fit” between parent and child that allows you to understand each other’s experiences and work with the emotions they garner. And as you make that connection, a whole new world can open up to you, one in which your differences actually enrich your life instead of irritate you.

  Your Child’s Temperament Profile

  Since you already have a profile of your own temperament, let’s create one for your child so that you can compare the two. When you and your child share similar temperament traits, the things that trigger your child may also trigger you. You need to know that. But when your child is very different from you, she may be experiencing emotions and sensations that you are not aware of. You need to know that, too. An understanding of temperament allows you to predict your child’s typical reaction and makes it much easier for you to monitor your child’s emotions and pick up cues before he loses it.

  As you review the traits, remember there isn’t a right or wrong answer, a good or a bad trait. You simply want to create a profile of your child’s first and most natural response.

  Review the following statements for each of the seven temperament traits. Think about your child’s typical reactions. Which responses fit him or her best?

  Remember there are no right or wrong answers. Every trait has its strengths and weaknesses. Our goal is to gain an understanding of the child who has come to live with you.

  * * *

  1. Persistence: How persistent is your child?

  easily lets go of an idea or stops an activity

  finds it difficult to let go of an idea or activity that he has chosen

  willing to accept no for an answer

  refuses to accept no for an answer

  easily goes along with your plans

  wakes up with plans of his own

  stops working on a puzzle if a piece doesn’t fit

  continues working on a puzzle until she figures out how a piece fits

  accepts your first answer to his question

  asks the same question over and over if she doesn’t like your answer

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  low persistence,

  high persistence,

  quickly stops

  pushes to continue;

  * * *

  High Persistence

  Even at a very young age, highly persistent kids wake up with plans for things they want to accomplish. That’s why it’s essential that you ask them what their plans are. Was your child expecting to have Cheerios or Special K for breakfast? Find out, and you may avoid a power struggle at the breakfast table. Persistent children also need to finish the things that are important to them. Telling them they have three more minutes doesn’t work. You have to ask them, “What do you need to complete before you’re ready to stop?” If it is not humanly possible to accomplish what they want to do in the time available, work with them, explaining that there isn’t enough time to read ten more pages, then helping them find a stopping point by saying something like, “I know you’d like to read ten more pages, but there isn’t enough time right now. You’re a good problem solver, where could you stop now, and how could you finish later?” If necessary, offer suggestions like, “Let’s stop at the end of the page, mark it, and then finish the rest of it in the car.”

  Persistence is a great asset and is a key indicator of future success. But in the “raw” it also leads to kids who refuse to stop and “lock in.” That’s why you’ll want to teach your persistent child to problem solve with you and to focus on what you can let them do.

  Emotion Coaching in Action

  Thirteen-year-old Rachel is a highly persistent youth and so is her mother, Kim. On a recent fall day, Kim wanted Rachel to mow the lawn. Rachel had just sat down at the piano and was trying to figure out a new piece. As a persistent person herself, Kim wanted the lawn finished now! Of course, highly persistent Rachel wanted to practice now! It could have been a huge power struggle, but it wasn’t. After learning about temperament, Kim recognized that Rachel wasn’t just procrastinating or being difficult. The reality was that both of them were temperamentally very persistent and had tasks they wanted to accomplish. It wasn’t easy for Kim to pause, but she did, took a deep breath, then sat down with Rachel to discuss a timeline for the day. It was ten A.M. and at two P.M. Rachel had a volleyball practice. Kim knew Rachel would be too tired after the practice to mow, so she told Rachel the lawn needed to be completed before she left. The limits were set, but within those limits there was room to work together. They estimated that it would take an hour to mow and an hour to eat lunch, shower, and get dressed for practice. That left two hours. Rachel agreed that she would practice the piano for one hour, mow, clean up, and if there was time remaining, she could choose to practice the piano again. Satisfied with their plan, Kim left Rachel alone to pursue her music. She didn’t keep coming back to ask when Rachel was going to stop or to yell at her for not stopping. Instead Kim set the timer on the stove for fifty-five minutes. When it went off, she told Rachel she had five minutes to finish up. Rachel did and went out to mow.

  But what if she hadn’t stopped? you might ask. When you understand how frustrating it is for a highly persistent child to not accomplish her goals and respectfully include her in the planning of a timeline, the odds are she’ll work with you. If she doesn’t, it’s time to enforce the standard that in your family you do work together and you do keep your promises. If she still doesn’t stop, consequences may be needed, but ninety-nine times out of a hundred, you’ll never have to use them if you’ve worked with her needs and respected her feelings.

  In order to understand and affirm the emotions they are experiencing, highly persistent kids need to hear words and phrases like:

  I
t’s frustrating when you have to stop working before you’re finished or someone tells you no.

  What are your plans for the day? weekend? holiday?

  This is what Mom needs you to do today; please include it in your plans.

  You are a good problem solver. We can work together.

  I’m trying to understand what is important to you.

  We will save it, and you can finish later.

  How many more before you can stop?

  Low Persistence

  Kids who are low in persistence are easy to distract from the task at hand. This is great when they are doing something you don’t want them to do. It’s challenging when you want them to finish something.

  Research shows that kids who are low in persistence will persevere when working in groups, near the teacher, or with a friend or tutor. The interaction motivates them and helps them to keep going. As a result they tend to seek the help and support of others and learn to be great team players. Because they often rely on their parents for that help and support, they may experience significant separation anxiety when Mom or Dad isn’t available.

  Kids who are low in persistence need you to teach them strategies to soothe and calm themselves when they get frustrated. They also need help creating timelines that allow them the breaks they need to manage their frustration and complete a project.

  Emotion Coaching in Action.

  Two-year-old Aaron was a charming, low-persistence kid who was also intense. When the piece didn’t fit into his puzzle or the vinyl character wouldn’t stick to the window, he immediately quit trying or he’d yell for help. His mother would jump to assist him. But he was becoming a bit of a tyrant, demanding help now every time he encountered an obstacle.

  After attending my class, his mom took a different approach. The next time a puzzle piece didn’t fit and Aaron shrieked, she went to him but didn’t rush to fix the problem. Instead she named his feelings. “It’s frustrating when you can’t get the puzzle piece to fit. When you’re frustrated, you want help, but look,” she showed him, “if you turn it this way you can get it in yourself.” Aaron stopped, shocked by his mother’s response. This wasn’t normal. He fussed and pulled at her hand. She rubbed his back for a moment to calm him. “It’s hard,” she continued, “but you can do it. Try again,” she encouraged. This time Aaron twisted the piece and slid it into place. He beamed with satisfaction. His mom clapped.

  If you’ve got a low-persistence child, support him with your presence but don’t be too quick to take over for him. Instead, point out something small that he can accomplish and let the joy of that achievement spur him on.

  Kids who are low in persistence need to hear words and phrases like:

  It’s exhausting when you have to work on a difficult task by yourself.

  It’s frustrating when you can’t finish something easily or quickly.

  Take a break and come back to the task in fifteen minutes.

  When you need help, you can say, “Please help me.”

  * * *

  2. Sensitivity: How sensitive is your child to sights, sounds, smells, textures, and emotions?

  doesn’t seem to notice the mood of others

  very affected by other people’s emotions, especially anger or sadness

  not sensitive to pain

  very sensitive to pain

  rarely complains about textures

  refuses to wear clothing that doesn’t feel right

  doesn’t notice noises, smells, etc.

  complains about loud noises, smells, or lights that are too bright

  eats anything

  aware of subtle spices, textures, or smells of food

  rarely complains about temperature

  is always hot or cold

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  usually not sensitive

  very sensitive

  * * *

  High Sensitivity

  In cross-cultural studies of temperament the “ideal” child in Italy is highly sensitive, aware of sights, sounds, textures, tastes, and emotions. In the United States kids who are disturbed by sirens, glaring lights, strange odors, clutter, and chaos are often told they are too sensitive. Understanding and appreciating your child’s keen sensitivity is the key to working together. She needs you to believe her when she tells you that getting her hair cut hurts, or that the seams in her socks or the tags in her shirt are driving her wild. Help her to find ways to eliminate or reduce the sensations that bother her the most.

  Emotion Coaching in Action

  January in Minnesota is fun if you like to ski, snowshoe, or ice fish, but for Molly and her family these endeavors were not exciting. Instead they planned a vacation to Mexico where their days could be spent walking on sandy beaches instead of through snowdrifts. Their “ideal” outing almost turned into a nightmare when four-year-old Tim refused to walk in the sand. Tim said that the sand hurt his feet and stuck between his toes. Fortunately, Molly had completed a temperament profile on Tim and knew he was a 5+ when it came to sensitivity. She believed him, carried him across the sand, and laid out a big blanket for him to play on. Over the week, he gradually started venturing from the blanket. When he did and the sand stuck between his toes, she showed him how to brush it off. By the last day he was walking across the sand, not gleefully, but competently, explaining to his mother, “If it bothers me, I can stop and brush it off.”

  Kids who are highly sensitive need words and phrases like:

  You are very aware of noise, light, colors, etc.

  I think the stimulation in here is bothering you.

  When you hear another child cry, you feel sad too.

  You can feel bumps and seams that I can’t feel.

  I believe you.

  How food tastes and smells is very important to you.

  I’m not hot, but you can take off your sweatshirt if you are.

  Low Sensitivity

  Kids who are not as sensitive to the environment around them are not as easily triggered. Lights, smells, sounds, tastes, textures don’t bother them. You can usually get them dressed or serve a new food without much hassle. Their challenge may be in recognizing their own body’s cues and in understanding the needs of others. Hunger or fatigue may sneak up on them, unless you teach them to stop and take note of how their body is feeling. And they may need your help to understand that even though they find the carnival rides exhilarating, others may find the experience overwhelming and want to leave.

  Kids who experience low sensitivity need words and phrases like:

  Noises, lights, etc., don’t bother you, but sometimes they do irritate others.

  It’s important to stop and check the stimulation level. How does your body feel?

  * * *

  3. Adaptability: How quickly does your child adapt to changes in routines, intrusions, surprises, or transitions?

  getting up and dressed usually isn’t difficult

  getting up and dressed is a hassle every morning

  easily falls asleep at night

  takes a long time to settle down and fall asleep at night

  enjoys suprises

  hates surprises

  easily switches from one activity to another

  switching from one activity to another is a monumental task

  able to leave a friend’s home

  very difficult to leave a friend’s home without a battle

  enjoys schedule changes on field-trip days

  finds the change in schedule on field-trip days upsetting

  easily switches clothing from one season to the next

  giving up summer’s shorts for fall’s long pants is a major endeavor

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  adapts quickly

  adapts slowly

  * * *

  Adapts Slowly

  Kids who adapt slowly make us aware of our overcommitments. These
are the kids who let us know that ten transitions in a day are a bit much. It’s distressing to them to leave a friend’s house or switch from one activity to another. Intrusions upset them. They let us know that the phone ringing, a neighbor knocking on the door, a delivery person’s arrival, an unexpected request, or being scooped up for a diaper change or to use the bathroom are all irritating interruptions and unwanted surprises. Settling these kids down for sleep can take sixty to ninety minutes.

  Slow-to-adapt kids can teach us to stop rushing! They need to know what to expect; they need time to shift from one thing to another; and they need some warning about what’s coming next. Routines give them a sense of predictability that they thrive on.

  Emotion Coaching in Action

  Every night Liza and her mother Peggy would select Liza’s clothing for the next day. Peggy recognized that Liza didn’t like surprises, so they’d check the weather forecast and carefully lay out an outfit. Inevitably, the next morning Liza would have changed her mind about what to wear. This infuriated Peggy, who much preferred spontaneity to planning ahead. “What am I doing wrong?” she wanted to know.