Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  If your child’s energy level, impulsiveness, or inattention is constantly pulling you into power struggles, look for the real fuel source. You don’t have to scream every morning. Your child can be successful in school and with friends. Treatment may include behavior training like all of the strategies included in this book. For example, daily exercise to direct his energy; picture charts or charts with words written in different colors to help him remember what he needs to bring home from school; games that ask him to stop, think, and ask himself, What will happen next, in order to teach him how to manage his impulses. Environments with just the right amount of background noise and lighting may help him stay focused when he’s working on a task. In addition to these strategies, however, it’s likely that your child will need medication.

  Remember, your child doesn’t want to fight with you. He isn’t just being absentminded, mean, or lazy. This truly is a child who is desperately asking for help. He knows he’s different, but he doesn’t know why. He needs you to help him define what’s wrong and to find the strategies that work at home and school. Most important, he needs you to love him for who he is and to see his creativity, ability to see outside of the box, and energy as gifts he can learn to channel.

  Sensory Integration Dysfunction (SI)

  It was textures that drove Haley mad. She refused to eat any kind of meat, complaining that it was too stringy. Clothing was a huge issue. The only way her mother could get Haley to wear socks was to vigorously massage her feet first. At school Haley refused to finger paint and hated worksheets that included any kind of pasting. The struggles were constant, time consuming, and exhausting, especially when other people told her mother she should just force Haley to comply.

  Sadie loved finger painting. The trouble was she didn’t just paint the paper, she painted her arms and face, rubbing the paint along her skin and reveling in the sensation. Whenever the paint was available, Sadie was in it up to her elbows. She was also the kid the teachers couldn’t get off the swings. She seemed to crave movement and would swing hard and long. On the days it was too cold or rainy to go outside, Sadie was miserable.

  Peter loved the swings, too, but more often than not he got into trouble while lining up to go outside. That’s because he’d literally bounce off the walls or tightly squeeze the child in front of him. His shoes were never tied because he liked them loose. And it wasn’t unusual for him to clown around and “stumble,” then roll on the ground, seemingly enjoying the sensations.

  Many kids are temperamentally more sensitive, but for some kids the intensity of their sensitivity has a significant impact on their daily lives. If this is true for your child, you may be dealing with behavior that is actually a disorder. Sensory integration disorder, also called sensory integration dysfunction, is the inability to process information received through the senses. According to Carol Kranowitz in The Out-of-Sync Child, “The red flags of SI Dysfunction are a child’s unusual responses to touching and being touched, and/or to moving and being moved.”

  Initially the behaviors of kids with SI dysfunction resemble those of kids who are temperamentally sensitive. But kids experiencing SI don’t just need comfortable shoes like the sensitive child, they can’t stand to wear any shoes. They are dealing with more than temperament.

  The lines defining SI dysfunction are fuzzy. Sometimes children experiencing SI dysfunction are oversensitive and choose to avoid sensations. At other times they may be under sensitive and seek sensations. What seems to be most important is that they have control of the sensations bombarding their body.

  For example, a child experiencing SI dysfunction may refuse to have you push her on the swing but will choose to lay stomach first on the swing dangling her feet, then swing for an hour. That’s because she’s in control of the movement. Or a child may run to you with open arms begging for a tight bear hug. When you respond, she’ll squeeze you so hard it almost hurts. But if you come up behind this child and unexpectedly hug her, she may throw a fit or even hit you. She wants to control the touch.

  A child experiencing oversensitivity doesn’t like to be touched, hates to get dirty, and is intolerant of the most minor of irritants. This is the child who doesn’t like to swing, climb, slide, ride in the wagon, or run, and may avoid physical activities. He commonly experiences motion sickness and covers his eyes or ears if there’s too much stimulation. Because his mouth may also be very sensitive, brushing his teeth can be a huge battle and the texture of foods can be a major source of irritation. Smooth, familiar yogurt may be fine, but lumpy foods like cottage cheese may be detestable.

  Children experiencing undersensitivity may actively seek sensations or just sit because their bodies are not processing the stimulation around them. If they seek stimulation, they may look like Sadie, coating their entire body with paint while the other kids simply finger paint with it. They may chew on inedible objects like shirt cuffs and love to swing or spin for extended periods of time. It’s these kids who turn up the television and speak in a booming voice, unaware that they’re hurting other people’s ears.

  If your child is in trouble because he can’t walk from his desk to the front of the room without bumping into ten other desks or kids, you may have a child experiencing understimulation. He seeks stimulation, especially pressure, and gets it by bumping, hitting, or jumping.

  Some kids with SI may crave one sensation and detest another. And sometimes kids with SI have good days when systems are working well and bad days when nothing seems to connect. This can be confusing since one might expect that if your child has this disorder there would be problems every day. The reason he doesn’t is because on one day he might have gotten up early and then jumped around for twenty minutes before he got on the school bus. Because of the jumping his body is now able to regulate the motion and noise of the school bus and he does just fine. However, the next day you might be rushing in the morning. He doesn’t get to jump, and as a result can’t stand the motion and noise of the bus. By the time he gets to school he’s fit to be tied and hits the first child who comes near him.

  Most family doctors have not received training in SI dysfunction, which contributes to a lot of misdiagnoses. SI kids are frequently mislabeled as having attention deficit, but the treatments are different. Medications are not used in the treatment of SI dysfunction. Instead you and your child will learn noninvasive strategies: brushing techniques (to desensitize the skin), bear hugs (for pressure), joint compression, jumping, chair push-ups (putting your hands on your chair and lifting your body), and other sensory motor activities. You’ll also discover simple strategies like having your child sit at the end of a row or stand in the back of the line so that he has to take in stimulation from only one side of his body, or keeping a Koosh ball or worry stone in his desk at school or in his pocket to use when he starts to feel fidgety or irritable.

  So if you and your child are constantly fighting because he squeezes other people, refuses to tie his shoes or even wear shoes, take another look. This may not be a child who is intentionally trying to be aggressive, nasty, or noncompliant. This may be a kid who is trying to calm down his nervous system.

  When you understand SI and work with your child to help him integrate the sensations he’s experiencing, you’ll discover that those longstanding power struggles have disappeared. Suddenly you can enjoy the new awareness of stimulation your child brings to you. Your life is richer because of it.

  If you think your child may be experiencing SI, consult an occupational therapist. They are professionals specifically trained to help you and your child learn adaptive strategies that help the nervous system work more efficiently. You can find one through your school, doctor, health insurance company, or the Yellow Pages.

  Language Problems

  Becca didn’t listen. It wasn’t that she couldn’t hear. Her mother knew she could. She’d had her hearing tested, but Becca didn’t do what she was asked to do or answer questions. For example, her mother could lay out colored blocks. Becca w
ould quickly and accurately name the colors of each. But if she asked Becca to hand her the green one, Becca wouldn’t. It was as though she was playing a game, but the game was no longer fun. It was worrisome.

  From the outside it looked like Becca was just being stubborn or uncooperative, but the reality was even though Becca could hear, she couldn’t figure out what the words meant.

  Ben’s issue was different. He understood the questions adults asked him, but he didn’t talk. At preschool his teachers thought he was being manipulative.

  Individual differences in the rate of speech and language development can be substantial and still fall within what’s considered a normal range of development. However, experts estimate that 3 to 5 percent of all children may be affected by language disorders. For some kids, like Ben, the disorder relates to expressive language. Other kids, like Becca, are experiencing what’s called mixed receptive-expressive language disorder. They speak, but they don’t understand the meaning of the words.

  If you are frustrated because your child isn’t listening to you or refuses to talk, step into her shoes. Understand that your words are important to her. She wants to communicate with you. If she’s not, it’s not because she isn’t trying. It’s because something is wrong.

  When a child is two years old, strangers should be able to understand what he is saying 50 percent of the time. By age three that rate climbs to 75 percent. If he constantly searches for words—for example, instead of saying refrigerator, he says something like “the thing that keeps things cold,” or if you are giving him clear directions and he just isn’t responding while other children his age are—it’s time to seek help.

  Language delays or disorders of any type affect impulse control. Being able to express oneself verbally is an essential element of a more thoughtful and suitable response. A speech therapist can help you determine if your child has a language disorder, and can give you the techniques you need to connect with her. You don’t have to struggle. There really are effective strategies that can help you. Don’t delay; early intervention for language problems is critical. Once again, you can find the help you need through your local public school or pediatrician’s office.

  Anxiety Disorders

  Allison was a worrier. This didn’t surprise her mother because she came from a family of worriers. But Allison didn’t worry just a little, she worried a lot. She needed to know where she was going—not unlike kids who are temperamentally slow to adapt. But she also had to know how long they would be gone and exactly what to expect. Even when she had that information, however, she still wasn’t calm. In first grade she asked her mother, “What if I come home from school and you’re not home?”

  “What could you do?” her mother asked. “Go to Kim’s house,” Allison replied. “Good idea,” her mother said. “But what if Kim wasn’t home?” Allison continued. “Go to Sarah’s house,” her mother suggested. “But what if Sarah and Kim weren’t home?” Allison pushed. The discussion continued, each time Allison adding another “what if.” Finally, her mother said, “There are four school-age children in this cul de sac. All of them have someone home when they get off the bus. It would never happen that no adult was home in the cul de sac.” But the worry bothered Allison. She didn’t want to ride the bus. She didn’t want to go to school. Worry upon worry piled up.

  Four-year-old Patrick was attending preschool. Initially he was excited to go, but upon arrival he shut down, stopped talking, then fell onto the floor curled up in a fetal position with his eyes shut. He didn’t respond to the teacher’s words. He didn’t even look at her, but ten minutes later he got up and was all right.

  Everybody knows what it’s like to feel anxious—the butterflies in the stomach before a first day at school or when you have to give a speech. Anxiety can make you gear up and prepare and help you to cope. But those with an anxiety disorder experience extreme worry that disrupts daily life. Anxiety disorders aren’t just a case of “nerves”—the anxiety can be paralyzing. You can’t think, and you can’t function.

  General anxiety disorder often appears in childhood and adolescence. It affects more females than males and tends to run in families. It is exacerbated by stress and often is also linked with depression.

  When kids experience anxiety, adults often misinterpret their behaviors, thinking the kids are being stubborn or trying to get out of going to school, riding the bus, or participating in the field trip. But they’re not just trying to pull one over on you. Anxiety is a medical issue that requires treatment. If your gut says your child’s worries are more than the average child’s, consult a psychologist. You can learn strategies to help your child be successful. That’s what Terry did.

  Leta was eight when she started experiencing significant separation anxiety at school. They had just moved, and she didn’t want her mother to leave her. Tears streamed down her face at the mere thought of going to school. “I can’t!” she desperately declared. Through her pediatrician Terry found a psychologist to help them. First she learned that Leta truly was anxious. She wasn’t just trying to be difficult. Together they set up a plan for success that included vigorous exercise before school. Then they bought Leta a textured locket that felt good to rub. In the locket they put a picture of their family. A box with a lock on it was also purchased, and Leta was asked to draw pictures or write stories about her worst fears. These fears were then locked away in the worry box where they were contained. She could take them out and talk about them if she wished, but then the pictures were locked back in the box. Leta and her mother also wove a cloth bracelet for her. Mom slept with the bracelet so that it smelled of her. When Leta felt anxious, she could put it up to her nose and smell her mother.

  Finally they set up a schedule for adapting to school. The first day Leta and her mother went to school together. Mom stayed the entire day. The next day she stepped out for fifteen minutes at ten o’clock. Leta knew this was part of the plan and that during the time, if she felt anxious, she could rub her locket, look at the picture it held, or touch her bracelet. Gradually Mom extended her absences, always remaining in the building, always telling Leta exactly when she would return. Most important, she let Leta know that she could do this, that she was a capable kid. It’s true Terry had to take time off from work, but by taking the time to work with Leta instead of resisting her, the morning struggles diminished rapidly as well as the number of distraught phone calls that had interrupted the day. The plan hasn’t been 100 percent effective—Leta is still anxious—but Leta has learned strategies for coping with her anxiety, and she’s feeling more comfortable every day.

  You, too, can help your child learn to live with a brain that’s a bit more on alert. Knowing that you understand and are willing to support her will keep her working with you, even when the going gets tough.

  Depression

  What struck Terry about her daughter was that the childlike joy was simply not there much of the time. This was so different from the child she knew, and it worried her. Depression can be hard to diagnose in children. The symptoms are different from those in adults, and are more intermittent. Depressed kids may experience spurts of energy followed by lethargy, bouts of sadness followed by periods of happiness. They may experience inattention or an inability to make decisions, but not all of the time. The most common and consistent symptoms are extreme irritability and negativity. That’s why they can pull you right into power struggles. They’re sleeping for longer periods of time and won’t get out of bed, or they’re barely sleeping at all. You can’t get them to eat, or they’re craving junk food. Their poor attitude drives you wild. But this isn’t just a bad mood, it’s ongoing. This is a child experiencing depression.

  Depression is often misdiagnosed as attention deficit. Teachers complain that the child is daydreaming or inattentive. He isn’t getting things done and isn’t well organized. Disagreements with peers are frequent. The difference between attention deficit and depression is that attention deficit is usually an ongoing problem. It
was an issue in second grade and is still an issue in fourth. Kids experiencing depression have done well in earlier grades, then suddenly run into problems.

  Significant stress, like parents’ divorce, loss of a job, or death, can trigger depression, but sometimes it just happens. In order to recognize it, you’ll want to look at your family history. Depression runs in families.

  If your child seems to be experiencing so much anger and resentment that everyday activities are affected, then it’s time to consult a professional who specializes in treating children with depression. Remember your child doesn’t choose to feel this way. He doesn’t want you to feel angry or disappointed because of him, but he doesn’t know what’s wrong or how to change things. He needs your help, guidance, and understanding to regain his energy and sense of joy. When he does, the power struggles will disappear.

  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

  Aaron was trying to write out his multiplication tables. He would complete a row, then stop, and yell at himself, “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! How can you be so stupid!” Violently scratching out his mistakes he’d rip holes in the paper and destroy it.

  Aaron is a child experiencing obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, at least one-third of the cases of adult OCD began in childhood. At the extreme end these kids have to write things on a page in just a certain way. Even if they are almost finished with an assignment, they’ll rip up the entire thing and start over again if they make a mistake. It’s hard for them to get things done because they get stuck on little tiny details. Things have to be done a certain way. Or they have to be the first in line, first to answer, or first in anything. When it doesn’t happen, they are terribly upset.