Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  For toddlers that means allowing them to be curious, while keeping them safe.

  Noah’s parents ended up tying shut the oven door, but they also put together a basket of empty spice cans and stored it in a lower cabinet where he could explore to his heart’s content.

  Older kids need the opportunity to find out how things work. That’s why when Rick built his own home, his three children, ages four, six, and nine, were active participants. “I couldn’t worry that they were going to turn on the saw or climb up ladders,” he said, “but I also didn’t want them to be afraid. So I took the time to teach them. First, I insisted that they had to ask before climbing up a ladder. They could climb, but I had to be there. I showed them how to go up and to go down, and then I stood behind them, ready to catch them while they practiced. They were also not to touch the saw unless I was with them. I demonstrated where they could and could not put their hands when they were around it. And I explained that after cutting something the blade was hot. I knew Jake wanted to touch it and test it. So I let him hold his hand over it to feel the heat. After that I didn’t have to worry about the kids. They spent hours with me hammering, digging, and climbing up the ladders, and they never ran into trouble.”

  Family Values

  There once were two brothers who were both Olympic ski-jump champions. It all started during elementary school when they pulled the mattresses off their beds, laid them in the yard, and then jumped off the roof onto them. Their parents were also adventuresome types who not only allowed them to do it but helped them stack the mattresses. My kids are downhill skiers but not jumpers. I have to admit I’d have stopped them from jumping off the roof onto their mattresses even if they’d wanted to. Today, my kids are not champion ski jumpers. Theirs are.

  Every family has its own set of values. You get to decide for your family what your values are. It’s these values that you’ll turn to when your child asks questions like, “Can I stay up with you until you go to bed?” It’s your decision. If you want time with your partner after the kids go to sleep, then you may not allow your child to stay up. That means you’ll have to set a bedtime limit and work with him to get him to bed as well as teach him that time for adult relationships is important, too. Or you might decide that you’ve got four kids to put to bed and it’s just easier for everyone if you simply turn out the lights and call it a night together. If you’re doing so early enough so that your child isn’t becoming sleep deprived, this strategy may work just fine for your family.

  And what about sleeping in your bed? Thousands of families are practicing the “family bed,” where kids and parents sleep together. (Around the world this is actually the most common practice.) But many families find this arrangement uncomfortable and insist that their kids stay in their own rooms. Still other families fall somewhere in between, teaching their kids to go to sleep in their own beds but allowing them to come into the parents’ room in the middle of the night. There isn’t a right or wrong practice as long as the strategies you use are respectful of your child’s need for rest and security, and your need for privacy and rest. No matter what decision you make, the most important factor is that you consistently enforce it. As you do, teach your child why this rule exists in your family so that he can make it his own. You aren’t just the big person who steps in and stops him. You are his emotion coach helping him to understand why he needs to stop. If you simply say “Don’t” or “Because I said so,” your child doesn’t learn how or why you’re making a particular judgment.

  Ultimately, your child will figure out that not all families have the same rules. When he argues that his friend gets to stay up until ten on schools nights, you can let him know it doesn’t matter. In your family nine P.M. is the rule because that’s how much rest your family needs. Or you can choose to look at the rule with him and decide if he is now old enough to begin making decisions himself about his bedtime. Just be sure he knows how to make that judgment according to how much rest his body needs and not by what’s on television. By teaching him how you are making your decisions, you allow him to be more capable.

  Individual Needs

  Eleven-year-old Elizabeth is a very sensitive person, and when she plays the radio at bedtime she tends to get stimulated and can’t fall asleep. Therefore, her parents decided not to allow her to listen to her radio in bed, but taught her instead to turn on a fan. When her nine-year-old brother, David, plays the radio, it soothes and calms him and he quickly falls asleep. So David is allowed to play his radio and is even encouraged to turn it on in the middle of the night if he wakes from a bad dream and has difficulty falling back to sleep again. Same parents, same question: “May I play the radio?” But two different answers for two different children. So how do we address the cry “That’s not fair”?

  Being an emotion coach means helping your children to understand themselves, their own emotions, and their own needs. What’s effective for one child may not be for another, which means you cannot always treat your children exactly the same. You will treat them respectfully and fairly as individuals, but you will not treat them exactly the same.

  That’s why Elizabeth’s parents will teach her that she is very sensitive. Playing the radio keeps her awake. They aren’t just being mean to her; they are helping her to understand what she needs to settle down and fall asleep. Knowing your child helps you to choose your battles and find alternatives that fit her best.

  When You Don’t Want Your Child to “Do”

  In class when we talked about the importance of stopping kids’ inappropriate actions but also teaching them what they could do, Suzanne groaned. “Letting kids do is exactly what our power struggle was about yesterday. I had been visiting my sister with my twins. When we left, it was raining. I grabbed each child by the hand and dashed to the car. When I opened the door, my son stopped dead in his tracks. He refused to budge. He wanted me to shut the door so that he could open it himself. I didn’t want to let him open it himself. I felt like he was controlling me! It was raining, and I was getting soaked. Even if I did let him, I’ve got two three-year-olds. His sister would insist on a turn. I’d be there another ten minutes opening and shutting doors. I didn’t have that kind of time, and anyway they might slam each other’s fingers in the door.”

  No one wants to stand in the rain and get soaked. No one wants to feel like their child’s servant. Time is a limited resource, and it is our job to keep kids safe. Once again, you get to make the decision.

  If Suzanne had to pick up her son and physically put him in the car so that they didn’t get wet, she could say, “I know you wanted to do it. You like to do things for yourself.” And while she may not be comfortable letting him open the door then, she might offer that he could do it when they got home and were parked in the garage. If her main concern was safety, she has two choices. When it’s not raining, she could teach each of the kids how to open and shut doors safely. Or she could simply say, “You wish you could and someday when you’re older, you can.”

  It’s true there are times when you don’t have time to allow your child to do, but if you find yourself constantly telling your child, “No, not now,” “I don’t have time,” “Let me,” “I can do it faster, or better,” it may be time to stop and reflect. Am I supporting my child and encouraging him as he learns to do? Sometimes a small change in your schedule can stop these power struggles before they ever start.

  Allow Time

  Many power struggles occur when you’re rushed and trying to do for your child what she wants to do herself. If you recognize that buttoning her own coat, pulling up her own zipper, packing her own backpack, or opening the door is essential to your child’s healthy emotional development, it’s easier to slow down and allow that extra ten minutes in the morning. It’s true, initially it will take more time, but ultimately it will save you time as you reap the rewards of having a child who is more capable and competent. Interestingly enough, the more you allow your child to do, the less intense his reaction when you have
to say no. That’s because he knows you listen and support him most of the time; as a result, he’s more open to working with you.

  Plan for Success

  Once while I was traveling in France I noticed a banner hanging across a mountain road that read, “Warning: Danger of Death.” I think of that sign every time I stand behind a parent with a two-year-old in the checkout line at the grocery store. Why don’t they just hang up a banner that reads, “Warning: Parent Torture Chamber.” There are certain places, like the grocery store checkout, where you can predict a child determined to do is going to get into trouble. There are so many things to touch, bags to fill, shelves to explore, choices to make, and carts to push—all while parents are preoccupied. This is a prime battle ground. If you know what’s ahead, you can plan for it. This is the time to whip out of your purse or pocket the box of raisins you’ve brought along to keep little hands busy and eyes focused. Or to plan ways for your child to help. If it’s a self-serve grocery, can she pull out the bags? Can she help fill them?

  Think about the power struggles that happen over and over in your home such as your preschooler jumping on the bed while you’re trying to nurse the baby. It’s hard for your child to wait her turn and see the baby get all of that attention. She wants to do something. So plan activities that allow her to sit on the couch next to you where you can cuddle her and play with her as you nurse. Or, if every time you get on the phone chaos erupts, create a phone drawer with fun things that your child gets to use only while you’re on the phone. If your six-year-old kicks the back of your seat every night during the drive home, buy a handheld video game that he gets to play only in the car, or tapes for him to listen to that soothe and calm. Help your child figure out what she can do in these situations and avoid those power struggles!

  Step Two: Identify the Emotions

  Stopping isn’t easy for your child, even when you are also teaching her what she can do. It’s frustrating and disappointing when her desires are thwarted. That’s why it’s essential that you also help her to understand the emotions she is experiencing so that she can find a respectful way to redirect them.

  A huge oak tree had blown down in Sandy’s backyard. The neighborhood kids were having a blast exploring the top reaches of the tree, which in the past had been the domain of only the birds and squirrels. In class, Sandy explained, “I caught my ten-year-old Nicole at the door ready to go out and climb in her clogs. I told her that she had to wear rubber-soled shoes so that she wouldn’t slip. She snorted at me and started to go out the door. I stayed cool, but I stepped in front of her at the door and repeated, ‘Nicole, it’s your choice. You may climb in tennis shoes, or you may choose to stay in the house and wear your clogs.’ She yelled at me, ‘You’re mean.’ I breathed deeply. ‘Nicole, you wish you could go out in your clogs. When you are excited to do something, it’s hard to stop and think of another choice,’ I replied. She turned and ran out of the room. I heard her crying, but I stayed calm. I knew I was doing the right thing. This was a safety issue. I wasn’t going to change my decision, but I also understood that she’s a very persistent person. It was hard for her to stop and make a different choice. I gave her time. Taking a break is the best way for her to bring down her intensity. I think she sensed my confidence because five minutes later, she came out with her tennis shoes on and went outside.”

  Sandy was an emotion coach. She stepped in and stopped her daughter, matching actions with her words. She allowed time for the intensity to come down and articulated the emotions that Nicole might be feeling.

  Look at what you’re telling your child when you have to stop her. Does she have the vocabulary to voice her dismay? Here are a few phrases I’ve collected. As you review them try them on for yourself. Think about what words you appreciate hearing when you don’t get to do what you had your heart set on doing.

  * * *

  When your child has to stop

  It’s hard to stop.

  You really wanted to do that.

  You wish that was a choice.

  That was frustrating.

  You wanted a turn.

  It’s difficult to wait.

  * * *

  Thinking about these words and the emotions they reflect helps you to recognize how important it is to your child to do and try things and how difficult it is to stop. It changes your perspective and keeps you connected.

  Come Back to Coach

  Later that day, when Nicole came back inside, Sandy knew her work was not yet finished. “I’m glad you chose to wear your tennis shoes for climbing,” she said, waiting for Nicole’s response and to also check on her intensity level. Nicole’s answer was light: “Yeah, the tree was really cool.” Sandy decided to continue, “Next time you are angry, it’s important that you choose words to explain what you are feeling. You can tell me you don’t like that choice. But when you say, ‘You’re mean,’ my feelings get hurt, and my impulse is to stop listening to you.” Nicole nodded.

  Step Three: Supporting Your Child When He Fears He Can’t Do

  Sometimes the struggles with your child aren’t about stopping her from doing something, nor are they about allowing her to do things. Instead, your struggles are about trying to get your child to do. When your child won’t do, it’s important to remember he isn’t just being lazy or obstinate. It is essential that you look for the real culprits! Some feeling or need is stopping him from doing, and he needs your support more than ever.

  Help Your Child Manage the Intensity

  When I was a child, every summer I sewed an outfit to enter in the 4-H competition at the fair. It was not an easy task. Matching plaids, getting seams straight, putting in zippers were hard work. Sometimes the task was downright overwhelming. When I’d made a mistake for the third time, I’d start to lose it, and that’s when my mother would send me outside for a break. While I was gone, she’d rip out the seam so that I could start over fresh when I came in. She never actually sewed any of the outfit, she just got rid of my mistakes. To this day, I remember what a relief it was to take that break and to have her support.

  Learning new skills is tough. Your child needs to hear from you that her performance and skills will improve with practice. When you recognize that she’s starting to get intense, insist that she take a break, even if you have to physically take her hand or pick her up. Remember, as her emotion coach, you’re her ally, helping her to manage those strong emotions so that she can do.

  You also might try breaking down the task into steps, allowing her to feel a sense of accomplishment with each completion. As I was sewing, the completion of a dress seemed like an overwhelming task when I looked at three yards of material and a Butterick pattern. That’s why mother would help me set goals for the day such as laying out the pattern, cutting out the pattern, finishing three seams, putting in the zipper, or putting in even just one side of the zipper, or sewing on four buttons. Each time I reached my goal, I got to celebrate and take a break! It’s true it took me weeks to finish the projects, but I did and that’s what’s most important. Think about how you can help your child break down those homework assignments, or make manageable the steps he could use to clean his room.

  In Order to Do, Your Child Has to Feel Safe

  When parents and kids come to my classes, they spend forty-five minutes playing together; then if the kids are comfortable, we separate. One night all of the kids were ready to separate except two-year-old Jason. When his dad attempted to leave the room, Jason started to scream. Huge tears rolled down his cheeks. The teacher let Dad know that this was a very common reaction for two-year-olds and invited him to stay with Jason, but Dad was upset. He wanted to go to the discussion group and didn’t appreciate having to stay in the children’s room with Jason. “Why is he being such a wimp?” he asked the teacher. “What’s wrong with him? Why won’t he play with all these toys?”

  Before kids are ready to venture out, explore their world, or test their skills, they have to feel safe. Megan Gunner, from the Univ
ersity of Minnesota, conducted a test in which she separated nine-month-old babies from their mothers for thirty minutes. Half were left with very attentive caretakers who responded to all of the child’s moods. The other half were left with a caregiver who was inattentive and unresponsive unless the child actually fussed or cried. While alone with the caregiver, the child was exposed to something startling. The study revealed that the level of the stress hormone cortisol rose dramatically in the saliva of the kids with the inattentive caregivers. But cortisol levels did not rise in those kids who had an attentive caregiver whom they trusted. Remember, high cortisol levels affect our ability to function well. So if you want your child to feel comfortable venturing away from you, you have to help her feel safe and thus lower the cortisol level in her body.

  Be a Security Post

  The second week of class I invited Jason and his dad to sit with me on the floor of the children’s room. Jason gave me a look that clearly expressed that he needed space. I pointed it out to his dad, who agreed that, indeed, Jason did like his space, as did his he and his wife. It was a family trait. I advised him to explain this need to the adults who might care for Jason so that they didn’t move in on him too fast.

  Jason seemed to appreciate that I respected his wishes because moments later he chose to move into my space and hand me a cookie cutter. I took his offering and asked the dad if Jason had a “lovie” that soothed him. Indeed he did, a teddy with a silky tummy that Jason liked to rub. We retrieved it and laid it on the floor. Jason picked it up and clutched it to his chest. He stood there a few minutes looking around the room. Soon he started venturing out. His dad remained seated on the floor. When Jason came back to check in, his dad gave him a hug but didn’t engage him in play. We did this for four consecutive weeks. Dad seriously wondered if he’d ever get to the discussion group. I assured him that he would and that there wasn’t anything wrong with Jason. He just needed a bit more practice. It wasn’t until the fifth week that Jason ventured out more than fifteen minutes without checking back in. When this happened, I told Dad, “This is your big day. Go ahead and tell Jason good-bye.”