Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  “Wait a minute,” Paula interjected. “Yesterday my daughter said to me, ‘I’m so angry at you I could hit you.’ But she didn’t hit me, she just said it. Should I punish her for talking to me that way?”

  The key to Paula’s question is that her daughter didn’t hit her. She made a different choice. She used words, honest words that Paula may have not wished to hear, but words. Paula could choose to teach her daughter to say merely, “I’m really angry at you,” but she can also celebrate her daughter’s ability to stop herself from hitting and instead use words to express her frustration instead. This is progress—not perfection, but progress.

  When to Seek Help

  Stephanie waited until all of the other parents left before she asked me in a voice that was barely audible, “What do you do if your child says he wants to stab you?”

  Preschoolers will often say, “I want to shoot you,” or “I want to stab you.” This is not unusual behavior. If you clearly set the limit, informing them that such statements are unacceptable, and teach them to say something like, “I’m angry,” or “I want a choice,” they’ll usually respond. If, however, there is a vehemence to your child’s words, his threats continue despite firm limits, or your child is older, it is time to contact a professional. You’ll want to know if your child’s behavior has moved beyond what would be considered the “developmental norm” and to seek treatment if necessary.

  This is also true of sex talk. Preschoolers love to see the reaction of adults when they add words like butt, penis, vagina, or poop to their vocabulary. You can guide your child by teaching him to use these words in private. If, however, his vocabulary includes words unusual for a child of his age or expressed with an intensity that startles or invades you, there is the potential that your child has been molested or exposed to inappropriate sexual materials or behaviors. If you are concerned, seek professional guidance and get the information and support you need to help your child.

  Keep the Vision

  Teaching your child the difference between being assertive and being aggressive takes time. It isn’t an easy skill to learn. It requires years of practice and is typically reviewed and refined as your child moves into new stages of development. In case you are feeling your energy flagging, I’ll share with you a story that I hope will keep you going.

  One night my friend and I were discussing women’s sports. “What sports did you play in high school?” she asked.

  “I didn’t,” I replied.

  “But you’re very athletic,” she countered. “Why didn’t you?”

  “Because,” I explained, “when I went to high school, there weren’t any organized teams for girls.”

  Incredulous, she asked, “Why not?”

  “Because,” I explained, “Title IX legislation, which mandated equal athletic opportunities for women, wasn’t enacted until a year after I graduated from high school. And the Minnesota companion law authored by Representative Phyllis Kahn took another few years.”

  Shocked, she blurted out, “How old are you?”

  I’m not that old, but the accepted practice of the time excluded girls from sports. No one questioned it. Thanks to Mrs. Ostergaard, our physical education teacher, however, the girls at my school did get the gym for a week of intramural basketball tournaments after the boys’ basketball season ended. Of course, we didn’t really play basketball. We played by “Iowa rules.” Either you were a guard or a forward. You could dribble the ball only three times, then you had to pass. Guards stayed on the defensive end of the court and never shot. Forwards were on the offensive end and never played defense. Only the ball crossed the center line, not the girls.

  Today, as I watch my daughter score on a fast break, I am thrilled that somewhere, someone had the gumption to say, clearly and firmly, “This isn’t fair!” And when I watch the Minnesota State Girl’s Hockey Tournament and know that there are now six thousand girls on the ice thanks to the voices of five concerned parents, I am reminded that learning to assert oneself is an essential life skill.

  If all of this seems a bit too far away from the foot-stomping five-year-old in front of you, remember that sooner than you can imagine she’ll be a teenager spending more time with her peers than with you. Do you want her to be able to be assertive and strong, even when everyone else is having a few beers or suggesting a party at Todd’s house because his parents are gone? If you want your child to be assertive when she’s sixteen, she has to start practicing now—with you! It’s an essential life skill.

  Coaching Tips

  Learning to be assertive is an essential life skill.

  You can teach your child to stop bulldozing and instead to use words that persuade you to listen.

  Your child can be respectful and say what he needs.

  You don’t have to grab the “hook.”

  Your child’s drive to learn how to get and use power need not be a threat to your authority as a parent.

  Being able to clearly and respectfully communicate one’s feelings fosters healthy relationships.

  SIXTEEN

  Can We Talk About This?

  Learning to Get Along with Others

  “Tell me, I may listen. Teach me, I remember. Involve me, I will do.”

  —Chinese proverb

  I was in the midst of the final edit for the Spirited Child Workbook. It was a grueling and arduous task. I love writing, but the task of editing is exhausting to me. So when my son came home one fall day of his senior year, I was not in the best of moods. “Mom,” he exclaimed when he came in the door. “My French class is going to France for two weeks next summer. May I go?” At that moment the only thought that sprang to my mind was that the one who needed a vacation was me, not him! My response reflected my mood. “I’ve never been to France,” I replied jealously. “You’re not going before me!” There it was, twenty plus years of parent education forgotten in a flash once again! Fortunately my son was much wiser than me. He didn’t lose his cool. He didn’t try to bulldoze me. He simply said, “Then meet me in Paris.”

  That was it. With his quick suggestion, my son addressed my needs while at the same time considering his own. He did get to go to France with his class, and we did meet him in Paris. He got a month in France and the embryo of a dream to return for further study and a potential career. The rest of us got the best two-week vacation of our lives and memories to cherish.

  Teaching kids to problem solve is an essential life skill. It is the key to cooperatively working with others and balancing one’s needs with theirs. And today, in a world that is increasingly interdependent, adversarial, win-lose attitudes don’t work anymore.

  Negotiation Is One Tool

  When Stan walked out the door, his father said, “It’s cold out, you’d better put on your mittens.” Stan turned, and the look on his face immediately told his mom a battle was brewing. “You need to be careful in really cold weather,” she interjected. “Your father and I are worried that you’ll get frostbite. If you don’t wear your mittens, what else can you do to be sure you’re safe?”

  “I have them in my pocket,” Stan countered. “I’ll put them on if I get cold.” His mom let him go out the door. Afterward, she and her husband got into a huge fight. He thought Stan shouldn’t be allowed to get away with not listening and wanted to force him put on the mittens. She said, “He’s ten years old, he knows when his hands are cold. He’s not going to freeze at the bus stop, and anyway, he did listen to us; he agreed to take the mittens with him. It was all right to let him think of another solution. He’s fine.”

  Whenever I introduce the concept of emotion coaching, inevitably someone groans and asks, “Does being an emotion coach mean I have to negotiate everything with my child?” Absolutely not! Standards, for example, are never negotiable. No matter how angry your child is, he may still not hit you. But there are many situations that are not defined by a black-and-white rule. It’s these situations that may be open to negotiation. Ultimately, it’s the ability to problem solve
with you that keeps your child listening to you.

  Negotiation is only one of many tools, as you’ve seen in this book. You get to choose when it’s implemented. You are the leader. But it’s critical that your child develop problem solving and negotiating skills. It’s worth your time to teach your child these skills, because it’s these skills that teach him to think and allow him to work cooperatively with peers and with you—especially during adolescence.

  The Process Is Most Important

  The spring ahead to daylight savings time had left everyone in the family exhausted. Kelly had gotten up late and now realized that if she went for her usual morning run, she wouldn’t be there to help her eleven-year-old daughter with her hair. Zatana could do her own hair, but it was a morning ritual they enjoyed. “Could you dry your hair now and we’ll curl it?” Kelly asked. “Then I can go run.” “But I like to eat my breakfast first,” Zatana replied. “I know,” Kelly said, “but if I wait for you, I’ll run out of time. I understand you’re tired and want to keep your morning routine the same. How can we work together?” Zatana thought for a moment. “What if I ate peanut butter toast instead of cereal? I can eat that faster.” “Hmmmm,” Kelly replied thoughtfully. “And while you’re eating, I guess I could lay out my clothes and pack the lunches so that those jobs would be done and I wouldn’t have to do them when I come back.” “Then we can do my hair,” Zatana added, “and you can go for your run, and it won’t matter if you come back a few minutes later because your other jobs will already be done.”

  It’s the process rather than the final solution of negotiation that is most important. When you negotiate or problem solve with your child, you are letting her know that what she thinks and feels matters to you. It validates her basic worth. People often think that to negotiate means to give in or give up. But in truth, negotiation requires that you clearly identify that which is most important to you: your interests, your emotions, and your needs. And in so doing you also seek to understand and respect that which is most important to the others involved. Your final solutions are reciprocal, addressing the emotional needs of all respectfully and creatively.

  Negotiation teaches kids to think clearly about what they value. It requires that they be able to present their thoughts effectively, listen to the point of view of others, and consider the repercussions of potential solutions. The end result is kids who can make sound decisions that truly reflect what is most important to them. This is an essential life skill. It is a skill that takes years to learn. It begins when you offer your toddler simple choices that consider his feelings, like, “Oh, you wanted to choose your glass; would you like the red one or the blue one?” It continues as you explore possibilities with your school-age child. “The dishes need to get done, you want me to look at your paper, and your favorite television show is on tonight. How can we work together?” And it is a must for adolescents who need to evaluate all that they’ve learned from you and decide what they will keep as they move toward independence. “How else can you express your individuality without piercing your tongue?”

  Keeping Your Cool

  Negotiation requires thinking, and you can’t think when the intensity is high. Before you try to solve a problem with your child, you have to bring down the intensity, for both of you. Understanding your own emotions and reactions helps you to keep your cool.

  Negotiating with your kids can take you back to your own childhood experiences. When as a child you tried to explain your point of view, you may have encountered that intimidator who was indifferent to your feelings and opinions. You may have not been allowed to work through and test your feelings with others.

  Or perhaps you were taught that the “good” thing to do was to keep the peace at all costs—to minimize your feelings, to ignore your needs, and to care exclusively for others.

  Think about your experiences. What emotions come to mind when you think about problem solving? Do you get “hooked” when your child wants to negotiate? Let your new knowledge of emotions and emotion coaching allow you to enter into negotiations with your child, trusting that to do so validates what is most important to you. What each of you feels matters! Your child will feel the connection and be more open to working with you.

  Helping Your Child Manage the Intensity

  Kicking and screaming, Matt was deposited in Lynn’s office by a substitute teacher. “I want my momma!” he wailed.

  Softly, Lynn said to him, “Sometimes kids say they are missing their mommy, but what they are really feeling is scared. Did something scare you today? Are you scared because your teacher is gone?”

  Matt sniffled. “Jennie my favorite teacher is gone,” he replied, his bottom lip slipping into a pout. “Oh, you’re scared that you’ll never see her again?” Lynn asked. He nodded. “Do you have things you want to tell her?” Lynn questioned. “Yes.” He nodded once more. “Do you want me to write her?” Lynn offered. “No,” he replied, “I want to color her something.”

  Before Lynn could get Matt to problem solve with her, she had to assist him in bringing down his intensity. In this situation he needed a break from his classroom and help identifying his feelings. Sometimes, if the issue is a big one, you may find yourself negotiating over a period of days. Every time the intensity goes up, you have to take a break and agree to come back to the topic later.

  Sunday night when the bell rang, Lindsey rushed to the door to find her neighbor and friend Jenny standing there. “I’m having an overnight birthday party,” Jenny announced excitedly, and handed Lindsey an invitation. Lindsey’s face lit up, elated that she’d been invited to her first overnight, but when Jenny left, Lindsey’s face contorted, and she declared, “I’m not going!” Then she ran to her room.

  Her mother knew a strong cautious reaction when she saw it. But she also wanted Lindsey to go to the party. If she tried to make Lindsey go, however, she knew that it would turn into a huge power struggle. So she waited twenty minutes, giving Lindsey time to calm down, then she said, “I think you’re a little worried about staying overnight because you’ve never done that before. Jenny only lives three doors down. I think this might be a great opportunity to practice and have fun, too.”

  “I’m not worried!” Lindsey shouted. “I don’t want to go!”

  “This is Sunday; the party isn’t until Friday,” her mother replied. “You don’t have to decide right now. I think you would have fun, and I’m afraid you’d feel badly if the other girls talk about it later and you had missed it. Think about what would make you feel more comfortable, and we can talk about it later.”

  “I’m not going!” Lindsey grumbled once more.

  The next day the kids were talking about the party at school and how much fun it was gong to be. After school Lindsey came to her mother and asked, “What if I went to the party until ten-thirty P.M. Would you and Dad be willing to pick me up then?”

  “Of course,” her mother responded, delighted that Lindsey was beginning to problem solve. “We’d even come at midnight if you wanted to stay longer,” she added.

  Lindsey shook her head. “No, ten-thirty is fine. Don’t push me!” Once again her mother recognized the intensity was up and stopped talking. The next day the kids were talking about the party again, deciding on the movies they wanted to watch. Lindsey changed her mind. “I’m going to the party and staying until midnight,” she announced when she arrived home. Her mother agreed and added, “Maybe by then you’ll decide it’s only a few hours until morning and choose to stay. You’re a good problem solver; I bet you can think of a way to make it feel more comfortable to you.” Lindsey wasn’t going to talk about this anymore and growled so low in her throat that the dog, who hated intensity, left the room.

  It wasn’t until Friday after school, when the group’s excitement for the party had built to a frenzy, that Lindsey came home and asked, “Mom, could I take your cell phone with me in case I wanted to call you?” “Yes,” her mother replied. “And do you think it would be all right to take my fav
orite teddy bear and keep it in my backpack?” Once again her mother agreed. Then Lindsey proudly announced to her mother, “I’ve decided I’m staying all night!” And she did.

  It took only five days of breaking down the problem into manageable increments, allowing time for reflection, and, most important, knowing when to back off in order to manage the intensity to keep Lindsey and her mom working together. Problem solving does take time, but when you allow that time, not only do you keep your child working with you but you also teach her to think about what’s important to her and what are potential solutions.

  Bringing down the intensity is necessary whether you’re trying to figure out how to help your child take medicine or make after-prom plans. In order to negotiate you’ve got to be calm and so does she. Let your child know you understand that something is very important to her. You will listen, but at that moment the intensity is too high. It’s necessary to take a break. When you frequently problem solve with her, she can trust that, indeed, you will listen and that you will come back to this issue. Her feelings are important to you. You do care about her opinions. As a result she’ll be more willing to step away, or allow you to help her calm herself so that later she can come back ready to work with you. Once the intensity is down, your work can begin.

  Helping Your Child Problem Solve

  Tara was the kind of kid who was very cautious in new situations. She hated to make the phone call, knock on the door, or ask the librarian or salesperson a question. Her parents had spent years encouraging her, letting her know that someday, with practice, she would feel more comfortable. They had always invited her to try and had assisted her when she said she wasn’t ready. But they were still surprised and amazed when she came home from school and declared that she was going to sell magazines door to door in the neighborhood.