by Rachel Hanna
Julie took a sip of her sweet tea. Normally, at least her favorite beverage would make her somewhat happy. Right now, nothing was doing the trick.
“I’m just getting more worried with every passing day. I don't know what to do."
“I think you just have to be there. You have to make sure she knows that you support her, and also that Christian knows he can call on you."
Julie rolled her eyes. "The last time Christian called on me, I think I made things worse."
"Hey, ladies,” Dixie said, as she passed by. It was Sunday, so the bookstore was closed, and Dixie looked like she was dressed to impress.
"Hey, lady. Wow, don't you look flashy today," Janine said with a smile.
Dixie was all decked out in a pair of hot pink pants, a frilly white shirt and some of the biggest pieces of jewelry Julie had ever seen. Her make up was perfect, complete with her shimmery pink lipgloss. And her hair, well, it was higher than Julie had ever seen it.
“Okay, you're wearing your best perfume. Where are you headed?" Julie finally asked.
Dixie tried to keep the smile off of her face, but she couldn't. "I have a… little bit of a… date."
"That's great! Why are you being so shy about it, though?" Janine asked.
"Because she has a boyfriend that she doesn't want any of us to meet," Julie muttered under her breath.
Dixie chuckled. "Who says this is the same one?"
Julie looked at her, her mouth dropping open. "You mean this is a different man?"
"Honey, I believe in playing the field! And right now, I've got men on all the bases," she said, cackling.
The thought of Dixie juggling so many dates made Julie smile, both on her face and in her heart. Since getting diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, things had been an up-and-down roller coaster. But once Dixie started going to physical therapy and taking the right mixture of medications, Julie saw the light come back in her eyes.
"Well, well, well… I guess we need to take a lesson from you, don't we?" Janine said.
"Listen, honey, I heard about William's job. I know y'all are going through a rough patch, but my boy loves you. Don't forget that."
Janine smiled and nodded her head. "I'm trying."
Dixie reached down and rubbed Janine's shoulder. “Things will work out. I just know they will."
"Well, if they don't for some reason, I guess you can teach me your ways."
Dixie waved her hand in the air, laughing as she continued walking down the sidewalk. "Better go! Don't want to keep anyone waiting!"
Julie laughed and shook her head. "If we could only be as laid-back as that woman, the world would be a better place."
"True story."
“Hey, what's with this bakery that's opening up next to your studio? Have you met the owners?"
"No," Janine said, finally taking another bite of her sandwich. In fact, I haven't really seen anyone inside other than workers. I'm not even sure when they're supposed to open."
"I'm looking forward to getting some fresh baked poundcake. I hope they have that on the menu. It's the one thing our mother always made well."
"Yeah, she isn't the best cook, is she? But Grandma? That woman made the best biscuits!"
"Yes. And peach cobbler! And chicken and dumplings!"
Janine put her hand on her stomach. "Stop! You're making me want to gorge myself on all of those things."
“Anything else ladies?” Denitra, the server, asked as she walked up to the table.
“No thanks. But, do you happen to know anything about the new bakery opening?”
“Not really. Just that the owner’s coming from Georgia.”
“Well, hopefully they’ll have some good stuff,” Janine said, smiling as Denitra walked away. “I’ll need the comfort food.”
"Look, I may not know what to do about Meg, but I know what you should do about William."
Janine looked at her. "And what is that?"
"Let him go. If y'all are meant to be together, Dixie's right. Things will work out."
"Yeah, well I've never been really good at not being in control."
"Would you rather have a relationship where William feels like you took away his opportunity? Or do you want him to feel like he has some control?"
"Can't I do both?” Janine asked, with a laugh.
“I don't think so."
Chapter Four
William sat behind his desk, trying desperately to keep his focus. He had to finish up the last of his local files before packing up his apartment and making the trip to Texas.
From the moment he had told his boss that he would take the new job, he had second guessed himself. Why was he leaving? He had a great relationship, and his mother who had Parkinson's disease was nearby. There were so many reasons not to go, and he wondered if he was sabotaging himself.
Many times throughout his life, he’d done that. Things would be going good, and he found a way to screw them up. Was he doing that again?
But, there was a deep part of him that didn't want to admit that he might be meant to live his life in that tiny town. Surely he was destined for greater things. After losing his brother at a young age, he felt the need to do as much as he could with his life to make him proud. He was living for both of them. Did having some big career make him successful? Or did living a life he loved achieve the same thing?
The look on Janine’s face when he’d told her about the opportunity had felt like a stab in his heart. He knew he was slamming a wrecking ball through their relationship, but a part of him had hoped that she might say she would come with him.
It wasn't that he wanted to leave Seagrove, but he wanted to feel successful in his career. He just wasn't sure he could do that in such a small town.
He finished up his paperwork, closed the file folder and put it into the box on his desk. He’d packed just about everything, what little he kept in his office. He was a clean freak, so there weren't a lot of knickknacks to take with him on his long trip.
He’d already spoken with his landlord about his apartment rental, and he had a short-term rental set up in Texas. He had no idea if he would be there permanently or not, but on the off chance that he was, he would soon start looking for an apartment there.
All of it had happened so quickly that he hadn't even had a chance to sit down and think about it. And Janine apparently wasn't even speaking to him. The look on her face the last time he had seen her was enough to tell him to stay away from her. He certainly didn't want to be the one to break her heart.
Just as he was gathering up the rest of his things for the walk to his car, he heard a tapping at the door. Figuring it was his boss telling him good luck, he called out for him to come in.
He was shocked when he saw Janine standing there. She had a small brown gift bag in one hand.
"Hi."
He stared at her for a moment. "Hi. I didn't expect to see you."
She smiled slightly. "I figured. Looks like you’re getting ready to leave soon?"
He nodded slightly. "In the morning. I was just getting the rest of my things from the office."
"I wanted to come by and tell you good luck."
Now, he really was surprised. "Really?"
She walked over to him slowly.
"Look, I know I didn't take this whole thing very well. But you have to admit it came on rather suddenly, and I didn't have a whole lot of time to process it. "
"Same here," he said, picking up the clock on his desk and putting it into the box. He didn't want to look her in the eye for some reason. It made his stomach feel very uncomfortable every time he looked at her.
He loved her. There was no question about that. He had grown accustomed to seeing her every day, to comparing notes after work, to eating lunch on the square. And now she would just be absent from his life completely.
"I'm sorry, William. I just want you to know that I'm very proud of this new job that you're taking. I don't like that you won't be here, and I will miss you every single day,
but I also realize I should've supported what you thought was best for you. This relationship isn't just about me."
He walked around from behind the desk and stood in front of her, only about a foot of space between them. "Thank you. It really means a lot."
“Here. I brought you this." She handed him the gift bag.
He sat it on the desk and opened it up. He pulled out a jar of peach salsa that was his favorite, made at a small mom and pop shop down the street. "One for the road?"
"Something like that. I know you love it, and I doubt you're going to be able to find it in Texas. "
"I think they probably have peach salsa in Texas too," he said, laughing. "But, they won’t have this brand. So, thank you.“
"Well, I better get going. I don't wanna hold you up from getting ready to leave," she said, looking down at her feet.
"Hug?"
She nodded slightly, not looking him in the eye. This was hard. Harder than he ever imagined it would be.
He wrapped his arms around her and felt her cheek pressed against his chest. Maybe leaving was a bad idea. Maybe he should just stay put and never know what opportunities he may have lost.
All he knew was he didn't want to let her go. He wanted to take everything out of the box on his desk, turn off the light and just stand there holding her as if nothing ever happened. But things had happened. Even if she was forgiving him now, nothing had really changed. He was still leaving, and she still wasn't happy about it.
Without warning, Janine suddenly stepped back, wiping a stray tear away from her eye and forcing a smile. "I meant what I said. I'm really proud of you, William. I wish you nothing but happiness."
She turned and started walking toward the door. "Janine?"
"Yeah?"
"Are we breaking up? Like, officially breaking up?" He didn't know why he was asking. It seemed pretty obvious, but he hoped he was wrong. He hoped she would say they’d have a long distance relationship for awhile and see how it worked.
She swallowed hard. "I think we have to. Better not to leave things undone."
His breath caught in his chest as he stood there and watched her look at him one final time before walking out the door and shutting it behind her.
What in the world was he doing?
Meg walked down the sidewalk slowly, pushing the stroller ahead of her. Christian had left early for work this morning, probably in part because she was driving him crazy.
Every little thing set her off. Sometimes she cried, other times she yelled. She worried that Vivi's first months of life would be full of memories of her mother yelling in the background. But, for some reason, she just couldn't control her emotions.
After her mother’s visit the other night, she had been very angry with Christian for what she considered to be tattling on her. In her heart, she knew that he meant well as did her mother. She understood they were only trying to help, but it made her feel inferior.
Having a child at such a young age and disappointing her family had made her super sensitive. The only thing she had wanted was to be able to show them what a good mother she could be. She wanted them to be proud of her, to forget about the disappointments of the past and see her as a grown woman who could take care of her child.
Those first few weeks of motherhood had been tough with late night feedings, a colicky baby, sore breasts and exhaustion on a level she could barely describe. Being a new mother was way harder than she’d ever anticipated, and she had new respect for all of the women who’d gone before her.
She stopped and looked in a store window. It was a baby clothing consignment shop that she’d visited with her mother shortly before the baby was born. She hadn't been in there lately, even though Vivi was about to move up to the next size clothing. She was growing quickly, getting older right before Meg’s eyes. Sometimes that made her cry too.
She adored her baby daughter, but there were times that she just felt so empty. Lost. Alone. Defeated. And none of it made any logical sense. She had supportive family all around her. Yet she felt so alone in her misery and sadness sometimes.
Having a new baby was supposed to be exciting. She saw new mothers on TV, in movies and even on the street, and they all looked joyful and happy while she felt like she needed to dissolve into a puddle of tears at any given moment.
She stared blankly into the window, probably scaring the workers inside. As much as she wanted to force herself to walk through the door and purchase something for her daughter, she just couldn't do it. Nothing felt exciting. Nothing felt motivating. Every day it was just the same slow walk through quicksand for her.
She knew that her mother was right, that she should see the doctor. That she should get some help. But, getting help meant admitting that she was the disappointment she’d so feared.
"Are you okay, honey?" she heard Dixie ask from beside her. In her catatonic state, she had completely forgotten the bookstore was right next door to the consignment shop.
"What? Oh, yeah. Hi, Dixie."
Dixie looked at her for a long moment, concern written all over her face. "Sweetie, come with me," she said, taking the other end of the stroller and pulling it towards the bookstore. Meg didn't have the energy to argue.
As they walked into the bookstore, the door shut behind her, and a little bell causing Vivi to stir a bit. She quickly fell back asleep, thankfully.
“Is my mom here?" Meg asked, hoping the answer was no.
"No, she's not. She took the day off to help Dawson get ready for his big grand opening."
Meg nodded slightly. "Oh. That's right. The inn.”
"Sit down," Dixie said. She had such an authoritative voice that Meg didn't even question her or try to argue. She just sat down in the seat and stared straight ahead. Dixie poured a cup of coffee and put it in front of her with some cream and sugar.
"Thanks."
Dixie sat down across from her. "I'm just going to cut straight to the chase."
“Okay…”
"I had postpartum depression."
"You did?"
"I did. I can tell you’re struggling something fierce, Meg. But you don't have to. There's help out there for you. Back in my day, there was no help."
"I think maybe I'm just really tired. Vivi hasn't been the best sleeper…”
Dixie held up her hand. "No. Honey, I don't mean to be harsh, but you know as well as I do that this is about more than just you being tired."
Meg’s eyes welled with tears. "I've never felt like this before."
“I understand. I really do. When my son was about eight weeks old, I remember Johnny found me curled up in the fetal position, crying beside our washing machine, my cheek pressed to the linoleum floor.”
Meg couldn’t help but giggle at the image. “Why?”
“I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I do know it had something to do with not being able to get a prune baby food stain off of one of his little sleeper suits. I thought it was just the end of the world, ya know? Like it meant I was a terrible momma.”
“I get it.”
“Another time, I was at the grocery store, and I realized at the checkout line that I’d left my money at home. I had my baby on my hip and he was just a fussing up a storm. I was so embarrassed that I just broke down in tears and slid to the floor. The poor manager had to get me up and help me to my car while somebody called Johnny at work. I was a mess.”
“It’s hard to imagine you were ever a mess, Dixie,” Meg said.
“Well, I was. A big mess, in fact. But, it got better. You’ll get better too, Meg. But, your momma is worried about you."
Meg sighed. "I know. She tried to talk to me the other night, and I lost it. I don't know what came over me."
"Your emotions are all over the place. Who can blame you? Hormones are crazy things. I hate to tell you, but menopause is almost as bad."
Meg chuckled softly. "Oh great. Something to look forward to."
"Well, don't you worry too much about it. You have a few decad
es before you need to worry about that. But, for now, you have to seek out some help. You can't do this alone. And you shouldn't have to."
"I don't know what to do."
Dixie stood up and walked over to one of her bookshelves, taking a book off of it. She handed it to Meg.
"We just got this book in the other day. It's all about postpartum depression and some natural things you can do to help yourself. But, in the meantime, your first stop needs to be to see your doctor. And I think you should invite your momma to come with you. She wants to help you, sweetie."
Meg wiped away a tear. "It's just that I have disappointed her so much with all of this, and I wanted to be this perfect model mother. I wanted her to be proud of me."
Dixie's eyes opened wide. "You can't be serious! Your momma is as proud as punch of you! She talks about you girls all the time. And she hasn't been disappointed in you at all. She loves that baby."
"I know she does. But she has to be disappointed in me. How could she not be?"
"Let me ask you a question. Do you love that little baby there?"
She smiled as she looked at Vivi sleeping so peacefully. "With every fiber of my being. I never knew I could love someone so much.”
“Is there anything she could ever do that would make you be disappointed in her? That would make you not support her?"
Meg looked at her daughter for a few moments. “Never."
"Mothers are mothers forever. It doesn't matter if they have babies or full grown kids. You are a part of your mother until the day she dies. There is nothing you can do to make her love you any less or be disappointed in you. You’ve got to stop that kind of thinking!"
Meg really did appreciate the way Dixie talked to her. She often wished that her own grandmother, SuAnn, was the same kind of person. But SuAnn was much more critical than she was supportive, unfortunately.
“Thanks, Dixie. What do I owe you for the book?"
Dixie smiled. "Just consider that a gift. Now, you better get over to that inn and see your momma. Set things right.“
"I will. Thanks for the talk."
As Meg walked back out onto the sidewalk, she finally smiled for the first time in a long time. Maybe there was hope. Maybe things could get better. She would have to step out on faith and ask for help if she ever wanted any hope of being the best mom she could. Vivi deserved it.
