by Raathi Chota
“Okay,” I said, then walked out of the room. I turned back to see Aidan with his hands shoved in his pockets as he stared at the ground. He had his thinking face on, so I decided to close the door and leave him to think. I walked down the hall and into the living room. It was filled with people who smoked, talked, or snorted drugs off the table. Some guys even did it off girls’ bodies.
“Lana!” Jaden exclaimed as he motioned me to sit next to him. I slowly shook my head, but he tilted his head. Jaden Reid was bad news. Not just his wild parties, but also the fact that he was another version of Parker made me uncomfortable. I felt someone pick me up by the arms and carry me to Jaden. The guy forced me down on the sofa right next to Jaden, who snorted drugs using a rolled-up dollar bill. “How are you doing, Lana Willson?” He tilted his head back and pressed one nostril. I noticed the sweat on his forehead, either from the drugs or the crowded room. It made his ebony skin tone glow, and I glanced down to his biceps.
“F-fine,” I said as he turned to me.
“You want some? Looks like you need it.” He offered me the dollar bill.
“Jaden, back off, dude.” Blake’s voice stopped me. I turned my head to see Blake opposite us with a beer bottle. “She’d rather have this.” He smirked, then held up the cigarette. I stared at the cigarette, then him. I’d only had two cigarettes this year so far. Which made me wonder how many Blake had. Yet by the look of his house, I could tell he hadn’t lived up to his New Year’s Resolution to cut down on cigarettes. “You need it, baby girl. Don’t try to deny it. I can see it in your eyes,” he said, then held up his lighter. I bit the inside of my cheek as I looked at it again. Benny entered my mind and the fight we had earlier. I took the cigarette and put it between my lips. I took the lighter, lit the cigarette, and inhaled. I closed my eyes as I let it rest between my lips. I heard Jaden howl like an idiot beside me. As I exhaled, I open my eyes and leisurely tilted my head back. “That was hot,” Blake pointed out as I looked back at him.
“I hate you.” I put the cigarette to my lips as Blake smirked.
“If you hate me, then why are you still wearing the chain I got you?” he asked, then lowered his gaze. I’d never taken it off since Levi left. It became an effort to take it off then clip it back on, so I decided to leave it on all the time. It was under my clothing, but it was still visible. I exhaled the tobacco into Blake’s face, and he opened his mouth, inhaled, then blew it out. A girl approached Blake in nothing but a shirt. It barely even covered her butt as Jaden drooled.
“Thanks,” she said, then gave him money. He took the money and put it in his back pocket.
“So this is like a whorehouse?” I blurted out, then dumped the cigarette in the ashtray.
“Indeed. Carter calls the girls, and I call the guys. It’s a brisk trade, as you can tell.” He pointed to a couple that couldn’t wait and decided to do it in the hallway.
“Does your mom know?”
“Nope. Since she’s got a hectic job as an assistant for this rich-ass company. They wanted her to go to Greece with them, so she’s been gone for the past week.” He smiled as I stared at him. Jaden gave him the dollar bill as the guy next to Blake separated the drugs into lines. Jaden got up and was escorted out of the room with a girl while I watched Blake. He crouched down and put the dollar bill near his nose. We locked eyes, and he suddenly froze. He cursed under his breath, then sat up properly. “Don’t look at me like that. Like you care,” Blake hissed.
“I care as a friend,” I mumbled as he gave the dollar bill to the other guy, who took it without hesitation and snorted the drugs.
“I don’t want to be your friend,” Blake said as he shook his head. “I wanna be more than that.”
“Did you ever do it?” I looked down at the drugs.
“Nope,” he said, then drank his beer.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” I asked as he chugged down the beer.
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m getting over you. Since you’re so self-centered, I should just move on,” Blake replied, then rolled his eyes.
“I-I’m not self-centered. I’m just…confused. I think I’m happy, then I’m not,” I mumbled, then looked at the table.
“Isn’t that sad,” Blake stated, then rolled his eyes.
“What’s wrong with you? One minute you’re calling me baby girl, then the next you say I’m self-centered?” I raised my voice.
“I’m tired, Lana. Tired of everything that’s been happening, tired of you. I just wanna fucking move on,” he breathed out, and I scrunched my nose up as the alcohol hit it.
“If you’re tired and want to move on, then you never really liked me, Blake,” I muttered and stood up.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he demanded. He tried to stand up but almost fell from being drunk.
“Away from you!” I exclaimed, then walked toward the door. I felt someone grip my arm and whip me around. I looked up to see Blake attempting to look at me as his eyelids drooped. I glanced over his shoulder and realized people looked at us.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he whined as I pushed him away.
“Fuck off, Blake.”
“Aww, you’re ruining the party, Lana,” Keene said, but I ignored him and walked toward the front door. Somehow Kelly was there too, and she sent me nasty looks. Only then I noticed quite a few people watching me. Carter called out to me, but I ignored him and pushed my way out of the house. I got into the car as quickly as possible. The music played in the house again, and I let out a pathetic scream, then banged my fists against the wheel.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lana
When I got out of the car, I made sure to slam the door. Out the corner of my eye, I saw Benny get out of his car, but I continued to walk.
“What are you doing here?”
“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go all out on you like that. I didn’t mean anything I said. I was just angry,” Benny apologized as I turned to him.
“But you still said it! And you know what a sensitive person I am.” I frowned.
“I didn’t mean it! You know when I’m pissed I say the first thing that rolls off my tongue without even thinking,” he added as I took out my key to unlock the door. “I’m sorry…we can’t stay mad at each other forever. I just wanna talk, please? I’m just afraid to lose you.”
I ignored Benny as I walked into the house. The alarm went off. Next to the door was the keypad, and I quickly typed the pin in to disarm it. When I turned around, I saw Benny on the porch. His mouth moved, but I shook my head and slammed the door. I leaned against it and still heard Benny. I didn’t want to talk to anyone because it had been a very long day.
“Please, Lana, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to go off on you like that,” he said as I sank down into a sitting position. “I know that you want to get into Yale. You’ve buried yourself in books this past week, and I was worried. I didn’t want you to go back on the pills.” I shut my eyes. “Please, I’m sorry. I also didn’t mean to call you that. I was just angry when Kelly showed me the picture. I just missed you a lot.”
A tear rolled down my face as I silently cried. My throat ached, my head throbbed, and I wanted to drop. I cupped a hand over my mouth to prevent any sound.
“I’m so sorry, Lana. Please, I jus—I just don’t want you to stress so much. Please open the door, and we can talk…” He trailed off as I sniffled. It seemed like everything that happened came out. All the anger, fear, sadness, depression, and shame that I’d felt the past few months flooded through my mind. The only words that echoed in my head were that it was all my fault. I couldn’t hold it anymore, so I cried with my eyes shut. “Fucking hell, don’t cry, please. I promised myself I wouldn’t make you cry ever again. Please, Lana, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I just want to hold you.”
“No.” I finally wiped the tears with my sleeves. Even though I needed that right now, I didn’t want to face him. “Just go, please,” I added, then pushed myself up.
“Lana, we can wor—”
“Just fucking go!” I screamed as tears streamed down my face. I didn’t care if I sounded like a psycho as I cried so loud. It was hard to swallow since the lump in my throat grew bigger. While I sobbed, everything went mute. My mouth was open, but no sound came out, yet the tears flowed. I pushed myself off the door and slowly walked upstairs. I got to my room, then shut the door and made sure to lock it. Then I collapsed onto my bed and cried into my pillow. Even though I had amazing friends and family, I felt alone. I felt like no one would understand what I went through and thought I was a depressed freak who looked for attention. I squeezed my pillow and thought over the past few years and how everything that had happened was my fault. I was done; I was tired of it all. It was the kind of tired that sleep would never fix.
***
Sophomore year was the most sensational year of my high school experience. I sat on a bench behind the school and watched everyone outside since the weather was beautiful. It was a few days before spring break, and I met a girl, Miranda. I supposed we’re friends since I met her in the restrooms when I hid from him.
Him. Benny Nielson. All he ever did was tease, humiliate, and bring me down. I never did anything to him. I pushed my glasses up and looked around to see him march toward me. My eyes widened as I took in his appearance. He was angry. Except this time, he seemed so full of rage that he’d do it again. It was freshman year when he slapped me after school. That’s the first and what I’d hope the last time he’d done that to me.
“Do you know what I just found out, nerd?” Benny hissed as he towered over me.
“Wha-what?” I asked as he put an arm on either side of me.
“Ethan fucking Baxter became captain. It’s your fucking fault! I deserve to be captain! You just had to be there yesterday and cheer him on! You just had to motivate him back in elementary school!” he exclaimed, then pushed me off the bench. I landed on the ground with a thud, then shut my eyes and groaned. I heard movements. I opened my eyes to see Benny. He crouched down and slowly stroked my hair. “Why haven’t you ever noticed me? Why weren’t we friends back then?”
“Wh-Why do you do this to me?” I croaked out as my bottom lip trembled.
“I hate myself for doing it. I’m so fucked up and alone. I hate myself so much that I tried to commit suicide! How fucking crazy is that?” He laughed yet I noticed a tear roll down his cheek. “Where is he?” he demanded, then placed a hand on either side of me.
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I cried out as his face neared.
“Radcliff! Levi fucking Radcliff! Where is he?” he yelled in my face. “Where is he so he can give me what I deserve?” he demanded, and I thought back to when Levi and Keene beat up Benny. “Where is he so he can finish the job once and for all? We’re all so fucking happy, right? Where is he?” he demanded and banged his fists against the ground.
“I don’t know,” I cried.
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know!”
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know!” I exclaimed, then shot up in my bed.
I glanced around the room and noticed it was dark. I touched my face and felt dried-up tears. I laid back on my pillow and thought of the dream I had. It felt like a nightmare because it wasn’t a dream; it happened. Only one thing entered my mind when Benny gave me all the letters he wrote over the years. The one from sophomore year that he wrote days after Levi and Keene beat him up and days after he cut.
I slowly got up and turned on my desk lamp. I stretched my arms and walked to my closet. I took a pair of sweatpants and searched for a comfy sweater. I opened the bottom drawer and stared at the clothing Levi left. He didn’t even wear half of the stuff, only rocked in white tees and black jeans. I took out his black crewneck sweater and put it on. I got back into bed and raised it to my nose. I closed my eyes and took in the smell. It still had his strong masculine aroma mixed with aftershave. I frowned because I missed him.
I went to my contact list, and my thumb hovered over his name. I quickly dialed his number but realized how late it was. On the second ring, he answered, and I gripped his sweater. I heard him clear his throat, and suddenly I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know why I called him.
“Princess?” His voice sounded sincere and groggy, which meant that I woke him. I didn’t know what to say, so I ended the call and put my phone on the table. I facepalmed at what I was about to do. I didn’t even know what to say. I was snapped out of my thoughts when my phone turned on, and the light shone. I turned my head and picked up the phone to see a message from Benny. He sent two messages, and I decided to check the first.
Benny: Even though we’re not on best terms right now, I just wanna say goodnight. I just wanna say I’m sorry and that it’s all my fault. I’m just really sorry, and I hope I didn’t wake you.
Benny: I can’t sleep, all I’m thinking about is you. I need you so bad, and I’m so sorry I just didn’t want you to get so hooked on the books that you’ll look at pills or cigarettes again. I know you’ll get into Yale, they’ll be stupid not to accept you. I’m with you all the way, and I let you be the first few days because Miranda told me not to worry, but now I am.
I let out a groan as I put my phone back and pulled the blanket over me. I saw Benny every day, yet he missed me. I guess I missed him too in a way. Although with everything that we went through, at least I saw him. He didn’t even know the real value of missing someone.
***
I sat in the passenger’s seat of Carter’s truck and stared at my phone. Since Carter lived five minutes away from me, I asked him for a ride. I continued to read the messages Benny sent me. I haven’t replied to them naturally because I didn’t know what to say. It’d be funny if I responded with “’K” since he took the time to think up those words. I sighed to myself and turned my phone off. The silence stretched between us, and I didn’t like it. I turned on the radio, and a love song played. I groaned and threw my head back as Carter laughed.
“So I guess you two haven’t made up?”
“Yeah.”
“It looked like a big fight considering you flipped each other off,” he said as I rolled my eyes. “Since it’s Friday, you wanna ditch?”
“As much as I want to, I don’t want to get into trouble.” I sighed. We arrived at school five minutes later, and the bell hadn’t rung yet. Carter opened the back of his truck, and we sat down. Tiffany and Ethan approached us while Carter took out a cigarette. He offered one to me, but I declined.
“BOO!” someone yelled behind me, and I jumped. I spun around to see Aidan on the back of the truck. Ethan and Tiffany hugged me, then Aidan jumped down to hug me. I sat down with Tiffany on my right and Carter on my left. When I glanced up, I searched for Benny. I spotted him across the parking lot by the sidewalk. He leaned against a tree with Nick, Melissa, and Marcus. I sheepishly looked away when we made eye contact. Tiffany leaned her head on my shoulder, then let out a sigh. “Now that all your Yale stuff is in…will you finally sit with us at lunch?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled because Benny would be there. “What are your plans?”
“Well, there’s this college I applied for in Canada. My aunt lives there, so if I get accepted, I’ll probably stay with her.”
“What did Aidan say?”
“He’s okay with it, but what’s worrying me more is him. When I ask him about the subject, he dodges it all the time,” she said as we looked at Aidan. He waved at someone, and I followed his gaze to Liam on his skateboard as he returned the gesture.
“Well, he has to tell you something sooner or later.” I shrugged as the bell rang.
“Yeah,” she said as we walked to the front doors. I looked over my shoulder and noticed Benny’s frown. I bit the inside of my cheek and turned away as Carter put his arm around my shoulder.
***
The whole day we looked at each other. We did Phys Ed, and I told Miranda what happened.
Not the part where he called me that word. Heck, I wouldn’t tell anyone. She was stunned and glared at Benny the whole period. Then our last period was Biology, and we did an experiment in pairs. I obviously paired up with Carter and looked to see that Britney chose Benny. I watched them the whole period, and I thought she noticed halfway when she placed her hand on his arm and batted her lashes.
Since it was Friday the day flew by. I took out books from my locker for the weekend, trying my best to hurry up. Carter waited for me by his truck since we’d go to Ethan’s place and hang out. I shut my locker and came face to face with Benny.
“Hey,” he mumbled, then stared at the ground. I ignored him, then spun around to walk out of the school building. I heard Benny sigh behind me, followed by his footsteps. I stuffed my hands in my jeans pockets and resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “You can’t ignore me forever, Lana. Please, I told you I’m sorry.” He apologized for what seemed to be the millionth time.
“I know, but how do I know that you won’t say something or do something like that again?” I demanded.
“Please, I was stressed out. You’re not the only one who’s working hard for their future. I just really wanted you to be there because Coach was evaluating me for this one college. I needed your support.”
“You could have just said that instead of going all out on me!”
“I’m sorry. I just missed you. We can talk this out. Come with us to the diner.”
“Who? Your new friend?” I scrunched up my nose.
“Britney? She was just nice.”
“Oh, come on, Benny, it’s crystal clear she has a thing for you.”
“No, she doesn’t. She was just nice because I didn’t have a partner in Bio because you were off with Carter.”
“Carter’s my friend, Benny. He’s also yours.”
“Yeah, but he’s also the biggest player in school.”
