by Raathi Chota
“Remember when we found out that Parker…” He trailed off as I nodded. “Well, the first thing that went through Blake’s and Levi’s minds was that you were a whore, which you’re not, but then you forgave them a few days later,” he said. “It’s been three weeks, Lana. You’re fucking miserable without him.”
Keene was right. I did forgive Levi and Blake when they thought Parker and I were fuck buddies. I hated when Keene was right.
“Benny’s not doing well, either,” Ethan chimed in as my eyes lit up. “He constantly asks about you in basketball. Coach yells at him most of the time, and he told Britney to fuck off. Right in front of everyone.” I had the tiniest victory dance in my mind. That moment when Levi and Blake thought that of me and when Benny said that to me, a tear rolled down my cheek.
“Do you think I’m a slut?” I asked and looked at Keene and Ethan.
“No!” they said in unison.
“That day at my house Carter kissed you, and it was Blake’s idea to make Benny jealous. He talked you into it. You’re just the victim, Lana,” Ethan said as his hands tightened into fists.
“But this must stop,” Keene stated as he squinted his eyes. “This thing that you and Blake are doing. It’s getting out of hand, and none of you realize who will get hurt in the end.”
The room went quiet after that as I looked at my socks. I knew Keene was right. The door creaked open, and I turned my head to see Blake, Carter, Aidan, and Noel enter the room. I shifted as I looked at Blake, who watched me the whole time as he sat next to Ethan. Aidan and Noel stood while Carter sat on the edge of the bed and cautiously placed his hand on my leg.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I nodded, and he smiled. Carter looked down, and I followed his eyes to see my glasses. He opened them and leaned forward to put them on me.
“Thank you,” I interrupted him as I took my glasses and put them on. He nodded, then turned his back to look at the guys. Ethan muttered something under his breath, then looked at Blake and me.
“You two have to stop this,” Ethan said, and I noticed Blake’s eye twitched.
“It’s not healthy for either of you, and it makes Lana very depressed,” Keene added, and I looked down in discomfort.
“Okay, whatever,” Blake said as I looked up. We stared at each other, and I clenched my fists. I couldn’t believe I let him do that to me; I couldn’t believe I let him talk me into doing such things. I couldn’t believe we used each other and he was so quick to call it off.
“Lana?”
“Yeah?”
“Good. Now you just need to tell us why you freaked out like that.”
“James is after you,” Aidan said as his eyes flashed with fear.
“H-how did you—”
“It’s quite evident. We didn’t deliver all his cocaine; neither did he.” Aidan pointed to Noel. “So he’s after you since your dad is after him.”
“Killing two birds with one stone,” Noel added. I squirmed.
“Can you take me home?” I asked Carter.
“Sure,” he replied, then stood up and walked across the room to get my boots.
“Wait,” Blake called. I turned to see him pull something out of his pocket. “What the fuck were these doing in your jeans pocket?”
I stared at the pills. I slowly looked up at Noel as my cheeks reddened. “I’m sorry.”
“I-It’s okay,” he stated. I then felt Carter’s hand on my thigh, and I turned to him.
“Are your nightmares happening again?” he asked with a concerned look.
“They never stopped.” I laughed. I saw the nervous look on Carter’s face when I said that. He tore his gaze away from me and looked at the other guys. I pushed myself off the bed and got up. Keene automatically stood up as he held his arms out, but I stopped him and said I’d walk. I put my boots on, then walked out of the room as I tried to block out their whispers.
***
When I walked up the porch with Carter behind me, I realized I still hadn’t spoken. He didn’t say anything or pressure me to talk. I spun around to face the blond and thank him for the ride home.
“Do you want me to come in? Y’know, we can cuddle…friends cuddle, right?”
“Your definition of cuddling is entirely different than my definition of cuddling, Carter Halls.” I laughed. “But I’ll be okay,” I added, then opened my arms to hug him. He chuckled, then wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me. I laughed as he set me down on the rail and pulled away. I rested my hands on his shoulders for support as he held onto my hips. We were eye level as we stared into each other’s blue eyes.
“Is this the part where we kiss?” he asked. I put my index finger on his chest, then shoved him away.
“Never happening, Carter,” I said, and he pouted.
“I thought that was our thing. Y’know, I kiss you, then you tease me down there…” Carter said as his eyes flickered with eagerness.
“No way,” I said.
“Aww, I thought that’s our sexual tension friendship.” He smiled.
“Sexual tension friendship, that’s a mouthful to say.” I laughed as he helped me off the rail.
“Yeah, but you’ll get used to it.” He smirked as I opened the front door.
“Bye, Carter, see you Monday.” I backed into the house.
“Goodbye, my lovely sexual tension friend. I’ll miss you.” He fake cried and walked away. I laughed, then closed the door. I heard my mother on the phone in the kitchen. My foot kicked something, and I looked down to see a box. I crouched down and picked up the box. I sighed when I saw the usual address. I took the box and walked upstairs to my room. I placed the box on my bed and opened it. My eyebrows rose when I saw a brand-new pair of black and white high tops Converse. Obviously, my old ones were the ones I wore when we buried Christo’s body, but we had to get rid of them. Now Benny bought me a new pair?
“Lana,” Mom called out as I held the shoes in my hands. I heard her footsteps behind me as I looked to see what else was inside the box. There was a little note, and I picked it up and read it.
I miss the midnight conversations we had; I miss you coming to my house just to sleep because you were more comfortable here than alone in your room. I know I said we should see other people, but I fucking can’t. I can’t move on. I miss you; I fucking miss you and will do anything and everything to get you back.
“Aww, I was hoping for tulips today.” Mom sighed. I spun around and glared at her. “I’m joking, sweetie. When are you going to let him in? He’s going crazy with all these apology gifts.” Mom gestured to the different stuffed animals and chocolates in my room. “Remember before Homecoming I told you that you’d be breaking and fixing hearts before you graduate?” She chuckled as I put the shoes in the box. I gave a slight nod as I remembered that was six months ago. A lot happened in those six months for my mother to bring that up. “Well…mothers are always right.” She took a chocolate and ate it. I glanced down and noticed she was dressed for the hospital.
“Are you going to work?”
“Oh yes, I am. Sorry, honey, I know your father said that I shouldn’t leave you alone at home, but this is really urgent. You can call the girls over and have a sleepover.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I gotta go. See you later,” she said, then kissed my cheek. When I heard the front door shut, I walked to my closet and took out comfy clothing. My ringtone played, and I walked to my desk to see that Benny called. I was taken back and stared at my phone as it played “Teenagers” by My Chemical Romance. It stopped for a second, then rang again. I huffed, then answered my phone.
“What do you—”
“Lana?” Sam’s voice filled the phone as I raised a brow.
“Sam? Wha-What are you doing with Benny’s phone?”
“He’s sleeping right now, but I just…please come back. There was this girl who came over last week, and it was so weird because she wasn’t you.” I immediately thought of Britney.
“Sam, I—”
“My brother misses you so much, Lana. Last night he never came down for dinner, and when I went to go check up on him, he was locked in the bathroom,” Sam whispered as my lips parted. “My brother always locked himself in that bathroom for years, but then you came, and he was happy. We all were. Now we’re worried about him again.” He paused. “Please, Lana, I’ve never seen him so happy with someone before. I don’t like seeing my big brother miserable and always blaming himself. I don’t like standing by the door and hearing his cries.” My eyes glistened. I sniffled, then heard someone in the background.
“Sam? What are you doing with my phone?”
My eyes widened as I heard Sam run. Suddenly the other side of the call went silent as I bit my lip then asked, “Sam, are you there?”
“Lana?” Benny’s deep voice made me freeze.
“H-hi,” I breathed out.
“Did you get my gift?” he asked as I stood in front of a window and looked at the sunset.
“Yeah, thanks, but you really have to stop, Benny. I really appreciate it, bu—”
“I won’t stop until you forgive me. Until we’re okay.” He cut me off as I sighed.
“I forgive you, but I just…” I trailed off.
“Then what’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong, and I can help. Are you home? Should I come over?”
“No, no I-I have to go,” I said, then ended the call. I ran a hand through my hair as I entered the bathroom. The bags under my eyes got worse, and my lips were chapped. Blake managed to find the pills I hid in my jeans pocket, but he didn’t see the one inside my jacket pocket. I took it, then drank water and swallowed it. I looked at myself again because I wasn’t in the mood for a dumb sleepover. I needed something to take the pain away. Before I showered, I made sure the front door was locked and the alarm was turned on. There was a feature where I put the alarm on for the doors and windows.
***
After I showered, I got bored and sat on the floor in the hallway with a cigarette between my lips. Uncle Griff and Dad’s favorite whiskey bottle sat on my left and Dad’s revolver on my right while music blared throughout the house. I had to be alert because James could appear any second. I had to be prepared, even though I deserved it. I crushed the cigarette in the ashtray and took a swig of the whiskey. The alcohol burned my throat, and I scrunched my nose and gagged. My gag turned to laughter as I thought of myself. It was my fault. None of my friends deserved it. I couldn’t be a burden to them all the time and let them fix my problems. If I didn’t run off at Homecoming, none of this would have happened. If I didn’t accept that stupid bet, none of this would have happened. I took another sip and laughed as Levi flooded my mind. If he didn’t leave me the first time without an explanation, Parker wouldn’t have happened. The cigarettes, tablets, and rape wouldn’t have happened if Levi stayed in touch.
“Why do you always do this to me, Levi Ramone Radcliff?” I yelled at the top of my lungs, then laughed. “Fuck my life.” I put the bottle on the floor. As I smoked another cigarette, I took my phone and scrolled through my songs. I flinched when I heard loud knocks on the front door. I decreased the volume, put out the cigarette, then grabbed the bottle and pistol.
“Lana, open the door!” Miranda yelled, and I laughed, then put the gun on the coffee table in the living room. I turned up the music again, and “Drown” by Bring Me the Horizon began playing.
“Willson, don’t you fucking dare!!”
I recognized the voice as Blake. I walked to the curtain and peeked through it. My eyes widened to see Miranda, Melissa, Tiffany, Aidan, Marcus, Carter, Ethan, Keene, and Axel on my porch.
“I know you got more of those fucking pills!”
I backed away from the window and drank the last remains of the liquid. As my friends shouted at me, tears filled my eyes. I thought they got the message that I wanted to be alone; I didn’t want them to pity me. I turned the music off as my eyes welled up. My phone rang, and I glanced down to see Miranda’s name. I took a deep breath, then answered the call.
“Lana, open the door right now. Your mom sent us to check up on you,” Miranda stated calmly.
“I’m okay, Miranda. You’re so sweet for always caring,” I slurred as I walked around the coffee table. “But I just need to be alone, y’know.’”
“No! You need us! We can help you!” she exclaimed as I laughed.
“Thanks for the generosity, but you all have done so much for me. I can’t do this to you guys anymore!” I cried, then stomped my foot.
“Lana, what are you talking about? You’ve been there for us. Now we’re here for you,” Aidan said.
“Stop it! Just go! All of you go have fun and stop fucking worrying about me. Just for one night don’t worry about Lana Willson, the depressed freak who smokes, drinks, takes pills, and lies just so that people won’t get hurt,” I said, then threw the bottle across the room. It made a shattering noise, but I didn’t care as I looked down at the coffee table.
“Lana, the fuck was that? Let us in!” Keene yelled.
“Just go. You’re waking up the neighbors,” I said as my fingers grazed over the curtains.
“Screw them! We want to help you!”
I yanked on the curtain and pulled it open. Since it was a big window, I got most of the porch view. Everyone stood there shocked. My head ached, and just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Benny appeared. Tears ran down my cheek as I slowly picked up the pistol. My hands trembled as I held the phone and twirled the pistol in my hand. Their eyes widened as they yelled at me. They even banged on the window and door.
“Lana, don’t do this, please! Put it down!” Melissa cried, and I watched as she collapsed into Nick’s arms.
“It will get you all to stop worrying. You can all be happy without me causing trouble. The killer will be gone.” I whispered the last part with a smile as I stood right in front of the window. I put the pistol against my temple and looked at Benny. His eyes were wet from the tears as he pressed his forehead against the window. He put his hand beside the window, and I stared at it. While Keene yelled at me through the phone, I dropped the pistol and put my hand against the window too. His mouth pulled up into a sad smile as he apologized. I shook my head, then told him that I was sorry. I backed away and slowly closed the curtains. “Please go. I won’t do it,” I whispered as I picked up the pistol.
“Lana, please, you’re my best friend. I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Miranda cried.
“Put me on speaker,” I said as I twirled the pistol with my index finger. “Please everyone, I appreciate that you took time out of your Saturday night to check up on me, and as you just saw, I’m doing quite well. Go do something fun and imagine, just for tonight, that I don’t exis—”
“Pumpkin, don’t say that. Everything’s better with you.”
I closed my eyes and tried to remain calm while I blocked out their protests. The porch light was on, and I saw their shadows tower over me.
“I’ll see you on Monday,” I whispered.
“Lana fucking Jane Willson, I will break this door down!” Blake shouted as my jaw clenched.
“You break that door down, the alarm goes off, and I am not going to put in that pin,” I stated as I looked directly at Blake’s shadow.
“Lana, please,” Benny mumbled, and I heard the worry in his voice.
“Lana, I am going to kick this fucking door down!” Blake repeated.
“I dare you, I fucking dare you, Blake Gunner! Kick it down, come inside and use me just like you do everyone else!” I exclaimed and pointed at his shadow with the gun.
“Princess?”
My eyes widened as my breath quickened again. None of the shadows moved as I laughed.
“No, no, no. I’m losing it. I’m going fucking crazy!” I yelled, then ended the call. My mind played tricks on me; the voices in my head told me what a killer I was, that I should play James’s stupid game. When I looked at the curtain, I saw more shadows. I peeked through to see
Miranda yell at Blake while the rest tried to get in. My phone rang, and I spun around to see Levi’s name. I slowly approached the coffee table and picked it up. I answered the call, then put the phone against my ear. The only clear thing was his heavy breathing. “L-Levi,” I croaked out as tears ran down my cheeks.
“Princess…Axel just texted me. Don’t do this. Please, open the door for them.” Levi spoke in a neutral tone as I fought back the tears.
“I-I can’t. I can’t, Levi, I’m scared…you said you’d be my knight in shining armor,” I whispered as I walked out of the living room.
“I am, princess. What happened? Who are you scared of?”
“I’ve done something terrible…”
“Shh. Listen to me. He also told me you have a gun with you. Please put it back,” he whispered as I looked down at the pistol. I bit my lip because I almost did it, in front of Benny. “Princess, please.”
“Okay,” I said, then walked down the hall. I quickly put it in Dad’s drawer, then closed the door.
“Good. Now we’re just gonna talk, okay?” Levi asked as I leaned against the wall and sank down in the same spot that I was in before.
“Talk? Levi, I need you, and you keep leaving me. Why can’t you ever stay?” I croaked out and remembered the times I cried myself to sleep because of him.
“It’s complicated, princess, but do you remember what happened after we had sex in my car?” he asked calmly as I wiped my tears away.
“N-not really…”
“It’s okay. Tell me what you do remember,” he said, and I tried so hard to remember because I had a few drinks.
“After the party, we took a drive…downtown,” I began and stared at the wall opposite me to try and visualize the memory.
“Yeah,” he whispered, and my eyes closed as I remembered.
“A-and not just a drive but a r—race,” I said, then squinted my eyes, trying to remember.
“Yeah,” he mumbled as my jaw dropped. I covered my mouth as everything came back. The lights, fast cars, the bad side of downtown and the traffic light.
