by L. P. Maxa
“There’s nothing to figure out, Kasen.” She gripped the arms of the rocking chair, pushing herself up. “I don’t need anything from you. I don’t want anything from you. I’m going to have this baby, and I’m going to raise it. On my own.”
“But it’s my baby.” Holy shit, that was the first time I’d said those words out loud.
“No. It’s my baby.” She stepped forward and poked a light pink painted nail into my chest. “You’re like a sperm donor or something.”
“Don’t say that.” Is that what she’d tell it when it was older? When it asked where I was? That I was some asshole who knocked her up and then left? It bothered me more than I thought it would, being reduced to nothing in her and my child’s eyes. “Please, Ems, don’t say that.”
“Can you honestly tell me that you want this, Kase? That you want to be here for me? For the baby? You want to change diapers and have daddy playdates? Teething, stomach bugs, scraped knees? First dates? You want to teach this kid how to drive, Kase?”
“I don’t know. Fuck.” I rested my head in my hands for a moment, not wanting to say the wrong thing. I needed to press pause. I shouldn’t have come here without knowing exactly what I wanted. It wasn’t fair to Ems. But when I got to the compound, the only thing on my mind had been seeing her. Maybe I thought once I laid eyes on her again, I’d know what I wanted. But no matter how fucking striking Emmie James was, she wasn’t a magic eight ball. Peering into her eyes wasn’t going to give me all the answers I needed.
She sighed, causing me to glance up in time to see her bite on her lower lip. “Look, this was clearly a mistake. I should have never told you about the baby.” She put her hand on my shoulder, like she was trying to comfort me. Which made me feel like I was two inches tall. “I expect nothing from you, Kase, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. I need nothing, I want nothing, so please, walk away from us and never look back.”
The words she hurled my way this time hit me right through the heart.
Walk away from us. Us.
“No.” I put my palm on top of her hand. “No, Ems, that I won’t do. I can’t tell you one hundred percent that I’m ready to parent this baby with you. But I can tell you that I’d like a chance to figure it out. I’d like to get to know you. I’d like to know how you’re doing. How the baby is doing.”
She pulled her hand out from under mine, her eyes narrowing. “So you want to, what, string me along until I give birth? You want to see the kid before you make your decision?”
“Ems. Give me a bit of a break here, will you?” I rose, standing in front of her, my fingers itching to intertwine with hers. But I knew better than to make that move, she’d probably bite them off. “You’ve had months to deal with this. I found out you were pregnant a week ago. This is the first time I’ve seen you since the night of the wedding. I’m about to be surrounded by your family and mine, with this huge secret between us. I’m asking for a little time. That’s all.”
I had to be honest. I was positive that she was going to tell me to fuck right the hell off. So it surprised the ever-loving hell out of me when she let out a deep defeated sigh.
“Fine.” She licked her lips, pulling her lower one between her teeth before she spoke again. “But I need you to hear this, Kasen. I will not let you break this kid’s heart. Either you’re in or you’re out. There is no in between. You understand me?”
I didn’t want to hurt my kid, that much I did know. I’d never be half in when it came to him or her. They’d either get all of me, or none of me. I’d never leave them wondering where I’d gone or if I was ever coming back.
“Yeah, I get you.”
She nodded, then pushed past me and walked back into the house. I sat down in the rocking chair she’d vacated, staring at the sun sinking into the wheat field. There was a tiny sliver of orange that was still lighting the sky.
How had this become my life?
Fuck.
One night with a beautiful girl and nothing would ever be the same.
Chapter Twenty-One
Emmie
When I got home from seeing Kase for the first time since he took my virginity and left me with a fertilized egg, his parents were at my house. I tried to slip past everyone sitting in my living room, but my mom spotted me before I could make it around the corner.
“Emmie, sweetheart, come in here and say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Cadence.”
Lovely. First I had to discuss my pregnancy with Kase and now I was about to have to make small talk with his parents.
“Emmie, how is your training going?” Kase’s dad smiled broadly when he saw me. Both his parents were actually really nice people. Even if their son had turned out to be a bit of a douche. “Your mom told us that you’re taking college through correspondence? How in the world are you doing both?” He chuckled. “And can you share your secret with Kase? Because that kid refuses to get a degree.”
I smiled tightly, thinking I’d already shared more than my secret with their son. “It’s going well. The company I dance with makes sure I have time to study, they’re really accommodating.” I left the Kase comment alone.
My mom reached out and took my hand in hers. “We were sure Emmie was going to get her degree slowly so she could focus mainly on dance. But a few weeks ago, she decided to take a full course load. We’re very proud of her.”
I’d had every intention of going to college after I was done dancing with my company. That was, until I’d watched two pink lines form on the pregnancy test. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep dancing the way I was through this whole process. They’d never let me take center stage nine months pregnant. So I’d added three more classes to the online program I was already enrolled in.
“Are you planning to dance long term?” I liked Kase and Katie’s mom, she was soft spoken and sweet, but I needed this line of questions to stop. All these reminders that my life was about to change were making me want to cry.
“I love it, of course, but a dancer’s body only lasts them so long. I’ll dance while I can, and then maybe I’ll open my own studio one day. Who knows?”
Who knows? I knew. My company would have no choice but to sideline me until the baby was born. There were a dozen girls waiting to take my spot, girls who wouldn’t have a pregnant belly jutting out over their tutu.
“You’re only eighteen. I’m sure you have years of ballet ahead of you.” She smiled, her eyes crinkling at the sides.
“I’m sure you’re right.”
You’re wrong. I might be able to bounce back after the baby, and it would take hours every day and hard work. But it wasn’t going to be only me anymore. I needed a schedule that was conducive to taking care of an infant.
Luckily, their conversation turned away from me and I was able to finally head to my room. I didn’t want to talk about ballet. I didn’t want to talk about my pregnancy. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about anything. I wanted to curl up in a ball pretend that nothing and no one existed outside of me, and this tiny baby growing inside me. I could handle life when it was the two of us. What sent me over the emotional edge was other people and their opinions.
I groaned when my cell vibrated in my hoodie pocket. Great. Which one of my cousins was checking up on me now? Maybe I should preemptively send updates to the group text.
Kasen: Thank you for agreeing to talk to me today.
Oh. Not a spawn, but the actual devil himself. I sighed, feeling a bit like a brat. Kase wasn’t the devil, that wasn’t fair. It took two bodies full of lust to create this baby. It was as much his fault as it was mine.
Emmie: You’re welcome. Now leave me alone.
Kasen: We’re having Thanksgiving lunch together tomorrow.
Thanksgiving as one big happy extended family: his parents and mine. Would they think it was weird if I avoided him completely? Would they even notice? Doubtful. There would be too many of us kids running around. It was hard to focus on one out of the whole pile. Plus, it’s not like Kase and I were besties or
anything.
Kasen: Leaving me on read huh? I deserve it.
Emmie: You deserve a junk punch.
Kasen: You been talking to my sister?
Was Katie mad at her brother? I didn’t want to come between siblings. I understood that bond, and I never wanted to be the reason it was strained. I’d agreed to give Kase some time to think. I shouldn’t be so mean to him while he did it. He’d apologized for calling me a liar, he was here, and he was trying. And I wasn’t being reasonable.
Emmie: Lunch will be fine. My cousins know how to keep a secret.
Kasen: If you had a time machine, what would you go back and erase?
I rested my hand on my stomach, reading and re-reading his text. I felt guilty for wanting to erase the baby inside me. But if it had never existed in the first place, then that was okay, right? I wiped at the tears sliding down my cheeks and soaking my pillow.
Emmie: I don’t know. What would you erase?
Kasen: Taking your virginity.
Emmie: You mean fucking it away.
If I closed my eyes and blocked out the rest of the world, I could still hear him saying those words to me that night. Kase had set my body on fire. He’d given me everything I never knew I wanted in that moment. He didn’t treat me like I was a breakable china doll and I reveled in it.
Kasen: It wasn’t mine to have, and I’m so sorry Ems.
It was always yours, Kase. I didn’t know it until I met you was what I should have said, if I wasn’t so afraid of his reaction. Either way, I couldn’t regret him. I couldn’t regret that night. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t give him up. I couldn’t imagine anyone else ever making me feel the way Kase did.
Emmie: If we really had a time machine, I’d go back a few months before I met you and get on the pill.
Kasen: Oh I like that one. That’s a better plan than me going down on you for six hours and keeping my dick in my pants.
The sigh I let out sounded shaky as hell, my reaction to Kase’s words making me feel things I hadn’t felt since the night we’d been together.
Emmie: Good night Kase.
Kasen: Good night Ems.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Kasen
I was sitting at the largest, longest dining room table I’d ever seen. And these fuckers had two of them. We were having Thanksgiving at the pool house, the only patio large enough to accommodate everyone. All the parents were at one table, with some grandkids scattered on laps. My mom was obsessed with one of Brody and Landry’s little boys. She kept sneaking him bites of pie when no one was looking, making him giggle. Payton Cadence was a fantastic mom, and she’d make one hell of a grandma it seemed. But it should be Katie making her one, not me.
Emmie was across from me. I’d tried to sit next to her but Cash and Crue had boxed me out. And I was now uncomfortably sandwiched between Jett and Beau. These spawns were a pain in the ass. It was obvious I didn’t have any fans here. Not that I really expected any different, I supposed. I’d knocked up Emmie. And then accused her of lying about it. I’d hate me too.
“Em, you remember my friend Benson?” Cash speared one of her sweet potatoes, stealing it from her plate and then popping it into his mouth.
“Yeah.” She knocked his fork away when he went for another bite. “He used to call me Rosemary’s baby.”
Jett snorted into his glass, making red wine splash on his face.
“Why did he call you that?” All eyes went to me the second I spoke, like the sound of my voice was offensive to every single one of them.
“It’s an old movie, asshole,” Beau answered after a few seconds of loaded silence. “Rosemary’s baby is the devil’s baby. Emmie is the youngest Devil’s Spawn, she’s the baby.”
“Clever.” Emmie being the youngest was really making everything more difficult, for both of us it seemed. They protected her, they thought of her as a child. But she wasn’t a child anymore; she was eighteen and stunning. And pregnant. Thanks to me.
“Anyway, he was asking about you the other day.” Cash smiled, but Emmie didn’t turn to see it. Her eyes were focused on her plate, eating all her foods separately like a real weirdo. First the turkey, then green bean casserole, and then cornbread dressing. Looked like she wanted to save her sweet potatoes for last. Would the baby inherit that odd way of eating without me around to stop it? “You two hit it off when he was back home for our wedding.”
At that she did look up, her eyes shooting daggers at her cousin.
“Was he the bartender that was hitting on you?” I knew that wasn’t who they were talking about. I’d met Benson, how could I forget the man walking around in the cowboy hat? But Cash bringing up another guy to the chick I’d accidentally put a baby in sort of irritated me. My kid was growing inside her. I didn’t want some other guy’s cock in there too. “The one with the ponytail who couldn’t seem to take no for an answer?”
Emmie’s daggers shifted from Cash to me.
“Benson. He was in my wedding. You’ve met him like three times.” Cash nudged Emmie with his shoulder. “What do you think, Em? Can I give him your number?”
I knew that Cash was doing this to get a reaction out of me. But it wasn’t going to work. Ems and I weren’t in love. And although I didn’t like the idea of some dude dicking down the chick carrying my child, that certainly wasn’t for me to say. Emmie barely tolerated me at this point. If I started trying to mandate what she did and didn’t do with her body? She’d probably rip my nuts off, and my own sister would hold me down to help.
“No, you can’t give him my number.” She looked at Cash like he’d lost his damn mind. “I’m in no position to start dating at the moment.” She jabbed her fork into a toasted marshmallow and shoved it into her mouth, speaking around it. “But thanks for bringing it up during an already uncomfortable family dinner.”
“Sorry, Emmie.” Cash did sound genuinely remorseful. I still wanted to hit him though. “I thought maybe hanging with Benson would cheer you up, that’s all.”
“No you didn’t, you thought bringing him up in front of Kasen would make him jealous.” Emmie was shocking me left and right today. Maybe the baby was a boy because that chick had sure developed some bigger balls since the last time I’d seen her. “But Kasen and I aren’t together, and I don’t need to be cheered up. I’m not depressed.”
“Oh he’s jealous, no doubt.” Brody must have been listening in on the conversation from farther down the table, because he leaned forward, looking past Katie and Cash. “He might not admit it to himself or anyone else at this table. But that guy,” he pointed at me with the beer bottle in his hand. “does not love the idea of another dude’s dick inside the chick he knocked up.”
Was he reading my mind? Were my thoughts on a ticker on my forehead?
“Oh my god.” Emmie let her fork clatter to her plate as her fingertips went to her temples, a bewildered look on her face. “Could you all please shut the hell up? Our parents are one table away. And I am so done talking about any of this.”
“Since when have your parents ever paid attention? Like, in the entire history of this family?” Talon glanced past Devin and Jett, sending them a disgusted headshake. “Jett’s been doing god knows what to Devin under the table. Crue is drinking straight vodka instead of water, and Landry fed all her vegetables to the dog. Did any of them notice? No.”
“But you did.” Jett sent Talon some serious side eye. “You’re such a narc.”
“Em, you’re going to have to tell them eventually, you know that, right?” Beau lowered his voice but didn’t change the subject like Emmie had told them to.
“I said I was done talking about it.”
“We’re all here to support you.” Cash put his hand over hers. “And Kase’s parents are here. It’s kind of the perfect time to come clean before you’re forced to.” He looked down pointedly, I guess insinuating that her belly was only going to get larger.
“Please drop it.”
“Emmie, you kn
ow we’re right.” Halen reached across the table, putting her hand on top of the pile Cash had started. “You need to tell them, and we’ll help you, okay?”
I wasn’t part of the Devil’s Share family, and Ems seemed like she could hold her own with no help from me, so for the most part I’d kept my mouth shut during this entire Thanksgiving bullshit. But now they were railroading her, basically ignoring her pleas. And it was starting to piss me the fuck off.
“I’m not ready and—”
“Emmie, secrets fester, believe me.” Talon rubbed his hand on Marley’s back. “The sooner you come clean, the sooner—”
“Hey.” I didn’t speak loudly, but there was enough edge behind my tone that all mouths closed and all eyes turned to me. “She’s asked you nicely several fucking times to drop it. None of what’s happening between Ems and me has anything to do with the rest of you. Stop treating her like she can’t make up her own damn mind. Stop trying to push her into sharing something she’s not ready to share. And stop eating all the food on her fucking plate.” I grabbed Cash’s fork out of his hand and tossed it behind me when he went to steal her last marshmallow.
“Kase? Everything okay?” My mom was turned in her chair, her hand resting on the back of it, a frown on her face.
“Of course.” I smiled, but not too big. This was a family lunch at the Devil’s Share compound. If I acted like I was loving the shit out of life, my mom would get real suspicious real fast. “Are there more sweet potatoes over there?”
She returned my smile in that sweet, warm way that only moms seemed to be able to accomplish. “Sure, love, here you go.” She passed a clear casserole dish to Cash, who sat it in the center of the already crowded table. “Save room for dessert, okay?”
“You know it.” I waited for her to turn back to the “adult” table and their conversation before dropping my voice. “My parents aren’t fucking clueless, so stop throwing around phrases like knocked up and other guy’s dick.”
