Because I Love You

by A'zayler

  “Next time you see me, you’ll keep your dick suckers shut.” Joshua’s tone was mean and insulting as he walked up and pushed me so hard that I fell to the ground.

  “You stupid muthafucka,” I shouted while pulling myself from the ground.

  “Nah, bitch, get your ass back down there.” He pushed me right back down, and girly laughter sounded from behind us.

  “Aye, nigga, you tripping like hell.” Quez walked up and pushed Joshua away from me then grabbed my hand.

  Though he was the last person I’d expected to come to my rescue, I was happy for it. I rolled my eyes at Joshua as Quez helped me from the ground. I dusted my butt off with one hand since Quez was still holding the other one.

  “You should have left her ass down there. Smart mouth ass got me fucked up.” Joshua was mugging the hell out of me.

  His glare was so murderous, I almost thought he was going to either push me down again or swing on me. The way he hovered over me just screamed an underlying threat. Utterly exhausted from the entire scene, I just wished he would go ahead and get out of my face.

  “Man, bruh, go head. You doing too much now.” Quez shooed him away.

  Joshua’s two fingers roughly pushed my forehead. “I told you I’m not the one to fuck with.”

  Normally, I would have had so much to say back to that fool, but right then, all I wanted to do was get away from all of them. My feelings were hurt, but not even they had anything on my pride. If there was anything left of it, I was sure it was bruised beyond repair.

  “That’s what she gets,” the girl from the car screamed again.

  I looked past Quez and Joshua at her. She was walking toward me with Quanna directly behind her. Lord knows I didn’t feel like fighting them anymore, but it didn’t look like I had much of a choice. I definitely wasn’t going to just stand there and let them drag me.

  “Move, bae. Let me tag this hoe real quick.” Quanna pushed Joshua to the side, and his bitch ass moved.

  “Hell nah.” Quez stood in front of me. “Get y’all muthafucking asses back. Y’all not about to jump this girl.”

  I was so thankful for him.

  “Nigga, if you don’t move your rescuing ass out the way.” Joshua playfully nudged Quez.

  He didn’t go far, but he stumbled over enough for the dark-skinned chick to hit me in the face. I don’t know what the hoe had in her hand, but it had my forehead leaking as soon as she hit me. Stuff started moving fast as hell after that. I didn’t know where Quez had gone, but he’d obviously left me to fend for myself because there I was, fighting both of them hoes. I was doing both of them bitches, but all of that shit was still too much.

  The fight had been rolling for a minute when I got snatched up. I didn’t know who had me until he pushed me against the wall of the building.

  “Stop all this stupid shit. You showing your ass,” Egypt yelled as he stared at me.

  Just looking in his eyes had me ready to cry. I’d wanted him all this time, and he’d finally come, but he was being so mean, and I didn’t understand why. Luckily, it didn’t last long. I’m talking about not even a minute after he turned around to push Quanna’s little friend away from us, I got punched in the face. This time, the hit was so hard that it took everything I had left.

  “Nigga, what the fuck? Have you lost your fucking mind?” I heard Egypt scream.

  I was on the ground holding my face, but I saw Joshua and Egypt arguing while Quez practically dragged Quanna and her friend away from where we’d been fighting. I was dizzy as hell, but I had to get away from this shit. I scrambled to my feet at the same time that Dre’s little chick walked up on me again.

  “Aye, get back.” Egypt got in front of her before she could get to me.

  “No! Move,” she angrily screamed at Egypt.

  “Come on, ma, chill,” he told her way softer than he’d been talking to me.

  My heart broke so bad. Why was he being so gentle with her but had yelled at me like I’d started with them? I had been minding my business when they’d come messing with me, and I kept getting the short end of the stick. Every one of them had been either pounding on my ass or watching it happen. The only person I could truly respect right then was Quez, and that was still throwing me for a loop. I hadn’t even known he liked me enough to keep me from getting dragged through the streets.

  Embarrassed and hurt like hell, I pulled myself together and took off walking down the street. I needed to get home. They could have everything else. The entire bus ride home, I tried to make myself believe that my day hadn’t gone down like that, especially because of Joshua’s bitch ass, but it had. I’d known deep down in my heart that he was going to be trouble the next time I saw him; I just didn’t think it would be that bad.

  I truly hadn’t been prepared for that. Everything that had gone down was just another reminder that everybody hated me, even when they pretended to love me. Myeisha and Bo’s ass had been right there, and neither of them had moved to do anything on my behalf, and Egypt… I just shook my head. I couldn’t even make myself believe his actions. The tears in my eyes would have to do because I had absolutely no words for him.

  Chapter 12

  -Egypt

  The rain falling on my windshield was coming down harder than it had in a long time. The entire summer had been hot as hell with no signs of rain, but tonight, it felt like the bottom of the sky was about to fall out. The wind was blowing, trees were bending, and everything. Maybe God was up there crying because I was parked outside of Azayna’s house.

  He probably didn’t approve of this mess any more than I did. All day I’d been thinking about her. I had been on the block serving, in the trap cooking, even went to the bank to deposit some cash, and she’d been with me every step of the way. I had been doing a good job of pushing her out of my brain but extremely unsuccessful at keeping her out. She always found her way right back.

  It was still wild as hell to me how straight I’d been with kissing and missing her today. When I’d first gotten up to leave her house this morning, I’d assumed it would have been easy to just run out and dip on her because that was what I did. Never had I ever busted a hoe down and spent the night. Let alone spent the night and dragged ass about leaving the next morning.

  Azayna’s house and her presence had been so comfortable and inviting that I couldn’t pull myself away. It had been years since I’d felt that at home with anyone, and even longer since that person was a female. Auto was my boy, and not even he had made me feel that comfortable. I was sure it was because we had a different type of relationship than I had with Azayna, but still. My mama and my old house had been the only things that had made me feel at home, not even my own spot had felt like hers had.

  She just drew me in. Even when I made my mind see reasons to get away from her, something in me wanted to go right back to her. I’d watched her slide off to smash one of my runners, a female at that, then pull her ass up fighting in the hood, and still, here I was sitting in front of her house with a packed bag to spend the night.

  My lame ass had even grabbed her another bag of them nasty ass gummy bears that she’d been eating earlier to apologize again. I knew today couldn’t have been easy on her, and I had been trying to get to her since. At first, I’d felt so bad for not doing more, and I had started not to come, but then I tossed that feeling in the trash. I didn’t care how hard she tried to turn me around, I was going to make her see me.

  I felt like such a sucker for my thoughts and actions, but like my sister Logan had told me about her nigga, the heart wants what the heart wants. I wasn’t saying Azayna was anywhere near my heart or no shit like that, but I guess I did kind of like her.

  “Let me get out.” I exhaled and grabbed all my stuff before looking around my car to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything.

  It was raining too hard to get in the house, only to have to come back out. Once I had everything, I hopped out and ran into her building. The water had hit me so hard that it was dripping
from my face and clothes. I took her stairs until I’d gotten to her door. It wasn’t until I knocked that I thought about her possibly not being there.

  I hadn’t called or forewarned her that I was on my way. I just got my shit and dipped. After making my last play for the day, I’d headed straight for her.

  “Shit,” I cursed when it took her too long to come to the door.

  I waited a little bit longer before knocking again. When she still didn’t answer, I pulled my phone out and called her, but she sent me straight to voicemail. I tried her a couple more times before getting mad and stomping back to my car. I tossed all my shit back into my car and drove away. Fuck her. She didn’t have a reason to be mad at me.

  If she wanted to be mad at somebody, she should have been mad at herself. She was the one out there in the streets doing that tacky shit. Of course, bitches were going to run up on her ass. That had been happening for years, so why in the fuck did she want to be mad with me about it now? By the time I made it back to my spot, I’d thought all kinds of crazy stuff that had only pissed me off further, and she apparently didn’t care because she still hadn’t answered the phone for me. I hated her for it, but I hated myself even more for caring.

  ***

  -Azayna

  The steady splatter of rain on Mr. Curtis’ car soothed me as I sat in the parking lot of my building. It was almost five o’clock in the morning, and I had been in the same spot for the past two hours. I’d borrowed their car to go to the ER and get stitches on my forehead and hadn’t moved since I’d returned home. Mr. Curtis had offered to take me, but since it was so late, I’d gone alone. My thoughts were all over the place, and for the life of me, I couldn’t tame them. It was so hard trying to maintain my sanity and act tough at the same time.

  I’d practically become an expert at it due to all the heartache I’d experienced over the years, but that never made it any easier. So many people expected the worst from me, so that was what I gave them, especially if it kept me from looking weak. That was one thing I would do anything to stay away from. When you’re weak, people run all over you, which only causes even more heartache.

  Ask me how I knew that shit. Probably because even though I prided myself on not letting niggas and bitches do me dirty, I always ended up allowing it. I was stupid as hell and an optical illusion in my opinion. I looked and acted tough and hardcore on the outside, while on the inside, I was a sensitive, emotional wreck. I’d been stuck in the same spot for hours, crying about the same nigga who had hurt me before.

  Two different times, and on two different occasions, but he’d hurt me before, and that was all that mattered. Even with us not really being in any type of relationship, Egypt had made me feel low and less than the other girls who had been out there without even noticing. Meaning, he obviously didn’t pay me that much attention.

  More tears spilled from my eyes. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

  The sad music playing throughout the car wasn’t much of a help either. It was perfect for my mood but horrible for my heart. The melody alone pulled at my heart and was eventually displayed through my tears.

  “How could you let this happen again?” I questioned myself. “Again, Azayna? That really says a lot about me.” I shook my head and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

  I sighed deeply, tired of feeling sorry for myself, and cut the car off. I was leaning over the seat and grabbing all the things I needed to take in the house when a car pulled up beside me. I hit the locks on the car to make sure it was secured before squinting to see through the rain.

  It was coming down so hard that anything outside of the window was barely visible. The headlights were still on, and that was all I could see. Having been in the streets for so long, and having to be skeptical about any and everything, I grabbed my knife from the passenger seat and made sure it was secure in my hand. I didn’t have any enemies who knew where I stayed, but you could never be too sure.

  With my breath caught in my chest, I silently waited. The vehicle was still running, and the lights were still beaming against my building. Being that I was in the car with the keys in the ignition, I was comforted just a tad knowing that I could drive off if I needed to.

  I had just leaned closer to the window, straining to see through the heavy splashes of water, when my phone began to ring behind me. I spun around quickly and looked at the screen. Egypt. What did he want? He’d been calling me all night, and I’d ignored every call. He’d just finished biting my head off after the fight, and now he was calling? What the hell kind of mess was that? Against my better judgment, I answered.

  “Yes?” my attitude was loud and clear.

  “Where you at? Why you not answering the phone for me?” He sounded a little winded.

  “I didn’t want to talk to you.”

  “Tell me where you are.”

  I debated on lying, but a part of me wanted to see him. Even if it was just so I could be mad in his face.

  “I’m at home.”

  “No, you’re not. I been knocking on your door all night.”

  “I was at the hospital. I’m back now… in the car.”

  “Whose car?” He didn’t sound like he believed me. “Get out, so I can see you.”

  My eyebrows frowned and unfrowned slowly as my mouth fell open. “Why are you here?” I questioned, not really understanding.

  He sighed. “I wanted to apologize.”

  Say what now? That was news to me. Since when did niggas do you bad and then apologize for it? Especially Egypt. He and I had never been the best of friends, but his whole attitude toward me surely wasn’t one that seemed remorseful. Sex or no sex, after that fight, I had to question his true motives. Then again, no I didn’t. He was the same one who had come bearing gifts just to get back on my good side, so I guess he was at least good for an apology.

  “So, are you going to get out of the car and let me do that?”

  “Why can’t you do it on the phone?”

  “That’s not the kind of man I am.”

  I bit my bottom lip absentmindedly as I considered what kind of man he actually was. He hadn’t shown me too many manners, but then again, he wasn’t the rude nigga he used to be anymore either, so I obliged.

  “Okay.” I held the phone as I grabbed the rest of my things.

  After tossing my purse over my shoulder, and grabbing the keys, I got out. The rain was pouring down so heavily that I was drenched within seconds. I’d run straight from the car and over to the small, covered porch. Was busy wiping my face with the sleeve of my jacket when Egypt ran up on me. His body lightly bumped into me as he tried to catch his balance.

  His arm immediately went around my body, keeping me from losing my footing upon his abrupt contact. Though I hadn’t been falling, I foolishly welcomed his attempt to keep me safe. He was breathing hard as the water from his face wet my neck and cheek.

  “My fault, I didn’t mean to bump into you.” He stood up and brushed off his clothing.

  I watched uninterested. He needed to apologize and keep it moving. All the waiting he was doing was unnecessary and unwanted. I was back biting my lip as I waited for him to get to the point. The smell of his cologne was still so very potent, even after the long day we’d had, and it smelled so good.

  “You want to stay out here?” he had the nerve to ask me like I was about to let him come in my apartment.

  I could tell by the expression on his face that he didn’t appreciate the look I was giving him, but what else did he expect after the way he’d just finished acting with me?

  “Azayna, you for real right now?” he asked me again, clearly getting the message that he wasn’t coming in.

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “It’s five o’clock in the morning for one, and it’s raining hard as hell out here.”

  I shrugged nonchalantly. “How long does it take to apologize? I already told you, you could have done that over the phone.”

  He blew out a frustrated breath as he ran
his hand over his face. “Stop bullshitting and let’s go in the house.”

  “No. Either apologize out here or go on about your business,” I told him with finality.

  I leaned all my weight on one leg for emphasis. He needed to know that I was comfortable with or without his apology. When I crossed my arms over my chest and yawned, I just knew he was going to get mad enough to leave, but he didn’t.

  Instead, he stood there staring at me all serious and shit. He looked way too sexy to ignore, even with droplets of water sliding down his face. His hands were tucked deep in his pockets as his mouth twisted to one side.

  “I see you’re not going to make this easy on me.”

  “You didn’t make it easy on me. You went straight off in front of all those people, not giving a fuck about my feelings. So, excuse me if I don’t give a fuck about you.”

  “I was wrong for that. I was just frustrated with everything and kind of took it out on you.”

  I looked away to keep the tears I’d been shedding all night from returning. I even shuffled my feet some to take my mind elsewhere.

  “I’m sorry for hurting you, Azayna. I was angry and should have directed it better.”

  I nodded.

  “The way you did the shit was so out of order, though. You ain’t have to taunt them like that. You knew they were already with the shit, and you just egged it on.”

  Oh, hell no! That did it! How was he supposedly coming to my house to apologize to me but was still taking up for those bitches? It didn’t matter that he’d spoken to me rudely or hurt my feelings. The only thing that really mattered to him was how he felt about everything like he really mattered in any of it. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why my feelings never mattered.

  The water that I’d been holding back flooded my eyelids again and clouded my vision. “You know what, Egypt, get the fuck away from my house. You don’t care about me. You’re just like rest of these niggas. All you care about is yourself.” I turned away and grabbed the door to go into the building, but he stopped me.