The Halfway to Hell Club

by MARK J. McCRACKEN

  “You’re a lucky man, Vinnie,” I said. “I have both hands on the wheel and I can’t get to my gun at this moment.”

  We had a good laugh on that one.

  I pulled up to Vinnie’s house. Mimi was playing with a friend on the front porch. She is a cutie: blonde hair, blue eyes, innocent and pure. Vinnie and I were sitting in the car, and I know we were both thinking about how close we came to losing her and Gina. I didn’t say a word, and neither did Vinnie. We just looked at each other, and we both knew what the other was thinking. Vinnie got out and picked up Mimi and gave her a big hug. Gina came out and waved. Vinnie was a very lucky man.

  I called out. “Hey Gina, put this bum in a tux and put a bag over his ugly face. I’ll see you both at the dance.”

  Mimi asked to be put down. She ran to the car and knocked on the door. I turned the motor off, opened the door and bent down to her.

  Mimi gave me a big hug. “I’m not afraid to go to the dentist anymore, Uncle Sean.”

  Everything was going to be all right, thank God.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  I thought I would get away quick from Vinnie’s house. But Gina conned me into helping Vinnie move some living-room furniture. A little room rearranging is good for the soul. Vinnie always kids me that Gina gets rid of her stress by rearranging the furniture in the house. After yesterday, I would move furniture for her for days, if need be. I got out of there without a back injury, which seems to happen every time I help friends move furniture.

  I drove over to the library without a care in the world. The radio was playing a little Glenn Miller. I walked over to the information desk and there was my girl. I stepped up to the counter.

  “Drat.” I said.

  “Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do, mister.” She was all smiles.

  “I laid my library books on the dining-room table and I forgot to bring them back again. You gals here are going to fine me to death.”

  “We’ll get it out of you anyway we can.”

  Mabel came out of the back room with a stack of books. She put the books on a work table, and came over for a slice of me.

  “Well, well, look who it isn’t. Katie, when are you going to wise up and drop this creep for a real man?”

  Kaitlin blushed. “Easy, Mabel, I love this guy.”

  Just as she was loading up to fire more rounds, Marty Durrant came up behind me.

  “Hey, Sean, how are you doing, kid?”

  “I’m good, Marty. What brings you here?” I said.

  “I’m getting some books and plans to make a couple new ship models. Have you seen the lobby, buddy?”

  “Now that I think about it, I haven’t been back since all the action. What does it look like?” I asked.

  Marty was chuckling. “The cheap landlord of ours is going crazy. All the walls in the lobby have been repainted, all the plaster work fixed and touched up. He even had all the woodwork that was damaged around my stand fixed too. He doesn’t even want anybody to know anything happened there on Friday. You won’t believe what he’s doing now?”

  “I give up, what?” I shrugged.

  “There are guys on scaffolding changing the name of the building. It’s gone from the Russell Building to the Bond Building.”

  “Who’s Bond?” I said.

  “Nobody knows, he just made it up. He don’t want anyone walking by saying there is the Russell Building where those two schmucks got killed. Now it’s the Bond Building.”

  Mabel joined the conversation. “Hey, you two bums got any business here at the checkout desk?”

  “Yeah I got business at the checkout desk.” Marty said. “I’m checking out a book and I’m checking you out, doll. What’s a good-looking gal like you working on a Saturday for?”

  Mabel adjusted her hair and smiled.

  “Well, aren’t you the smooth talker.”

  “Mabel, this is Marty Durrant, a retired cop and former Navy man.”

  It was interesting to see Mabel let her guard down a little.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Marty.”

  Marty went to work. “I come in here all the time, how come I missed a looker like you?” They went over to the side and continued their conversation.

  Kaitlin got her sweater and purse. We quietly walked out. Kaitlin was giggling. “Can you believe that? How do you think those two would be together?”

  “Those are two of the meanest, ornery, antisocial humans on this planet,” I said. “They are perfect together. Let’s fade before they start fighting.”

  I drove Kaitlin home, gave her a quick kiss, and told her I would see here at the Fairmont. I went home, showered, shaved, and tuxed up for the evening. In the mirror, I argued with myself: Could I carry a single .45? How hard would it be to dance with one? Would I be safe without one? Finally, I decided to go roscoe-free. I had a backup rod in the Ford. I decided to use the valet parking so I would be outside for only a minute or two.

  The dance started at seven, and I left the house at six. At the Fairmont, I tossed the keys to the valet and went to the main ballroom. Outside the doors, the Knights of Columbus had a table set up with a white tablecloth. On duty, in a tuxedo, was Ralph Cleary. I just said hello, not wanting to make things awkward. Ralph gave a forced smile and hello.

  This particular charity event was to benefit Catholic schools. Part of it was for building maintenance and upkeep, but the lion’s shares were for scholarships for needy families. The diocese has lots of schools, a lot of maintenance, and a whole lot of children that want a good education. That is where the Knights of Columbus come in. There are the ticket sales to this event, a silent auction, and a significant amount of arm-twisting of the big rich for donations. This year we got all the big guns in local society to come, plus we talked the Archbishop John Mitty to be the after-dinner speaker. We sold out of tickets this year.

  I went into the ballroom and made sure my table was up front. All of the O’Doherty’s would be there with me. I made sure we had a little celebrity power at our table: Lefty O’Doul, Dominic DiMaggio, San Francisco Mayor Angelo Rossi (a fellow Catholic), and Ansel Adams, the photographer would be there. The Archbishop would be at our table also. I arranged the cards and had the Archbishop placed next to Shamus.

  I went over to the bar, gave the bartender a couple of bucks, and placed a special order.

  People started to arrive at six thirty; by six fifty, the room was jammed. By seven, everyone was there.

  I ran into the head before the Kaitlin and her family got there. I was standing at a urinal when the spots to the right and left were filled simultaneously. I felt crowded.

  “We have to stop meeting like this.” I said to Righty and Lefty. “I take it the Wang’s are here. How about Jimmy?”

  “He’s floating around here with a date, boss,” Lefty said.

  “Don’t the Wang’s ever give you guys a night off?”

  Righty smiled. “Only for baseball games, boss.”

  I washed up and got back to the arrivals. When Shamus and Catherine O’Doherty arrived, I gave him a hard time.

  “Did your driver get lost?” I asked.

  “You attack a man before he has a chance to fortify himself? Shame on you, boy.”

  I pulled a chair for Catherine and offered to get her at drink. “A glass of white wine would be wonderful, Sean.” she said.

  I looked at Shamus. “I know what you drink. Where is Kaitlin?”

  “She’s coming, lad. She needed a few more minutes.” He smiled and shrugged knowingly.

  The Archbishop came in and I made a few introductions. When I got everyone settled, I went over the bar and ordered one white wine, one Glenlivet and one special whiskey. I had gone to the liquor store this afternoon and purchased the cheapest rotgut whiskey they had. The bartender gave me my order with a wink.

  I went back t
o the table and handed everyone their drink. It was only a matter of time. Shamus was talking with the Archbishop; they were sharing a joke and laughing. Then he took a drink. His eyes bugged out, he turned red and made an awful face.

  “What kind of drain cleaner do they serve here?”

  I was laughing so hard I could hardly control myself. Shamus looked over at me and knew he had been had.

  “Very funny, Sean.”

  I took a drink of my Glenlivet and almost passed out. It was like paint thinner. My mouth was burning, and some of it went up my nose. It was Shamus’s turn to laugh.

  “You were too cheap, Sean. You only paid the barkeeper two bucks. I paid him five.”

  I started laughing and couldn’t stop. I had to hand it to him. He got me, and good.

  Shamus took a drink, and now it was his turn to have his mouth burn; while he was rolling around laughing, I had switched drinks with him.

  Catherine shook her head in disgust and held up her empty wine glass.

  “Good evening, Katie. You are just in time. It’s like watching two chimps at the zoo during feeding time. Sean, go get me another glass of wine and a drink for Katie. The way this evening is going so far, she’ll need it.”

  Kaitlin stood next to me at the table. She was more stunning than ever, in an emerald-green ball gown with her red hair was down. She had on a diamond and emerald cascading necklace with matching earrings. She took my breath away.

  I gave her my chair, and went to get her and Catherine a drink. The dinner and after-dinner speech came and went. I wasn’t paying much attention to anyone or anything except Kaitlin. Everyone at the table was enchanting. It was the perfect evening.

  I talked with the Broadcreek’s and the Wang’s. They were all there but avoiding each other. Vinnie and Gina Castellano stopped by to say hello, and I introduced Gina to Kaitlin.

  When the twenty-piece orchestra went to work, I asked Kaitlin to dance and away we went. We started with a waltz, Kaitlin was extremely graceful, and definitely the best dancer I ever danced with. We did the foxtrot, the two-step, the tango, and she showed me how to dance the quick step. I was a little rusty, but did well, and we were having a ball.

  Shamus came over and danced with Kaitlin. I offered Catherine a dance, but she declined and asked me to sit next to her.

  “She’s in love with you, Sean. Please be careful.”

  “Don’t worry, I won’t break her heart,” I said.

  “Shamus and I know that you are a good man. We worry about your business, though. It could get you killed, and that would destroy Katie. I’m her mother. It’s my job to worry. Please be careful.”

  Shamus came over and grabbed Catherine’s hand for a dance. Kaitlin sat and had a drink of water.

  “My mom is making her move, isn’t she? Maybe you should get another job, young man, one less dangerous?” She gave raised her eyebrows and smiled.

  “Boy, you don’t miss much, do you?”

  “Hang in there, my love. You have the inside track now. They like you more than a lot.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  Shamus and Catherine left at ten thirty. Kaitlin and I danced until midnight. When it was time to go, I asked her to wait a couple of minutes. I went down to the Ford and opened the trunk. I took off my tuxedo jacket and put on my single shoulder holster. The .45’s safety was on. I made sure a round was in the chamber. I wasn’t expecting any trouble, but I wanted to be safe.

  It was a beautiful summer evening. We walked hand in hand all the way to her home. Suddenly she squeezed my hand, hard. “What is the matter? You keep looking around. Is something wrong?” she said.

  “One of my cases went sideways. I’m just being extra vigilant.”

  “Well, I’m sure my mother put the careful bug in your ear. You be as careful as you need to be, but don’t overdo it. That’s when you might make a mistake, and I can’t have that.”

  I understood exactly what she met. When we got to her door we kissed for a long time. I ran my hand up her back and held her tight.

  After we kissed, she said, “I love a man with a shoulder holster. Is that what you were doing at the end of the dance? You didn’t have that thing on when we were dancing. You slick boy, you.”

  I kissed her again, and we said goodnight.

  I was walking back to the Ford when I heard a voice from behind me. It was Shamus sitting on the windowsill of the office, about fifteen feet away. He had two glasses in his hand.

  “Take my word, lad, this is Glenlivet 30.”

  We touched glasses. “Nice job tonight, Sean. The Archbishop was a very happy man with the numbers. It was a record haul for the schools.”

  “That’s what it is all about,” I said.

  “Just to be clear, young man: we are even tonight, but this is the early rounds. I will say, it looks like I am going to have to bring my best game. You are an experienced and talented ballbuster. I’m impressed.”

  “Careful, Shamus. The way Catherine was looking at us tonight, I’m not too sure I want to get on her bad side.”

  “Katie was happier than I have ever seen her. That’s all that counts for me. You get a good night’s sleep, lad.”

  I gave Shamus my empty glass and walked across the street. As I was getting in the car, I saw a shadow come around a bush. I drew the .45 and called out.

  “Come out in the light, or I’ll blast you.”

  He did as he was told. It was Jimmy Chin. “Hey, Sean. I’m parked next to you. Take it easy.”

  I put the rod away. “Sorry, Jimmy, it’s been a rough couple of days. I’m jumpy.”

  “Don’t worry, pal. Hey, give me a call next week and I’ll fill you in on the two kids, and we’ll settle your bill. Okay?”

  “I’ll give you a call, Jimmy.”

  At home, the phone rang as soon as I turned on the light. It was Vinnie Castellano.

  “Sean, its Vinnie. Sorry to break up your night. Connie Morehouse came back to work at the hospital. We are going to pick her up for questioning. I’d like you to come along.”

  “Okay, swing by and pick me up. I’ll get out of the monkey suit.”

  Vinnie’s car was there in ten minutes, barely stopping. I got in and we flew away, making it to the hospital in nine minutes. Four prowl cars were there.

  “A little heavy to pick up one broad, isn’t it?” I said.

  “I didn’t call for black-and-whites, Sean. Something else must be up.”

  The emergency room was buzzing. They were working on two people: a sergeant with a knife wound in the shoulder and a woman on a gurney, beaten so badly that she was unrecognizable.

  The sergeant was sitting in a chair, surrounded by cops, doctors and nurses. The nurse was trying to get the cops to move back, but they were staying by the sergeant. Vinnie stepped in.

  “All right, boys. Give these medical people room to do their jobs.”

  The cops went into the waiting room. The husky sergeant gestured me and Vinnie over.

  “You the inspector that caught the call?”

  “No I am here for another case. I’m Vinnie Castellano. This is Sean O’Farrell, a private eye working on the same case. Your name is Mulligan, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah. I think my buddy Marty Durrant knows you, O’Farrell.”

  “Marty is a good man.”

  “Yeah, he was a great cop. I got to tell you, Inspector, this whole thing went to kitty litter in a heartbeat. I was out on patrol with a rookie. We answered a domestic, neighbor called it in. We got there, and the husband was calm as a cucumber. Told us everything was fine, no problems. We asked to look around and he said okay, that his wife wasn’t even there. So the rookie is looking around the room. This gee is wearing a tuxedo, for crying out loud. The rook looks behind the couch and there is the old lady, beaten half to death and not moving. She’s right over there;
she may be dead for all I know. Next thing you know, the bastard has a kitchen knife. He catches me off guard, knocks me down, and before I know it he’s on top of me and stabbing me in the shoulder. He has the knife in both hands and is about to finish me off when the rookie comes through and put three rounds in the guy. He’s dead before he hits the rug in the living room. The kid got me upright and helped stop the bleeding. I’m lucky to be here. That D’Amato kid’s a hero.”

  I looked over at woman on the gurney. Tommy D’Amato was there, holding her hand. Vinnie and I went over. The doctor was checking her stomach and middle, and looked very concerned. He took the nurse aside and talked to her.

  “Get the operating room ready, and call Dr. Morehouse. She just finished an emergency heart surgery. Tell her we have a woman that has severe internal bleeding from a beating. She’ll need to operate immediately.”

  The woman was trying to get Vinnie’s attention. She was whispering, gurgling, and making noises when she tried to talk. Vinnie put his ear to her mouth. He turned white as a sheet. He stood up and looked carefully at the woman, and then he glanced at me. He talked to her quietly.

  “It’s going to be all right, Stella I don’t know about Ralph. I’ll see what I can find out.”

  The nurse raised the side rails and started rolling Stella Cleary towards the double doors to the surgery wing.

  Another nurse appeared with another gurney and asked for help with the sergeant. We got him on the gurney and the young doctor reappeared.

  “We are going to prep you for surgery, Sarge. You have a very deep cut in the shoulder, and there are a lot of veins and arteries in there that got nicked. We need to get you in surgery so Dr. Morehouse can stabilize the wound and ensure you don’t start bleeding again. I can’t give you anything for the pain since you are going into surgery. I need you to tough it out for me.”

  The Sarge was woozy. “Hey, kid, tell me about this Dr. Morehouse. Is he any good?”

  “Dr. Morehouse is a she, and she is the best surgeon in this town. She has saved four cops from gunshot wounds in the last three years. She is a magician. If I were going under the knife, I’d want her, hands down, more than any other surgeon. She saved a little boy’s leg this morning, she saved a rabbi from a massive heart attack, and now she’s in with the woman you brought in. She’ll take good care of you too, Sarge. She’s the greatest.”