Bad News
Page 21
0. Dreq
1. Ryū
2. Neak
3. Dreq
4. Imoogi
5. Gyo
6. Neak
7. Lindworm
8. Neak
9. Ariella
10. Lindworm
11. Wyvern
12. Imoogi
13. Zilant
14. Imoogi
15. Slibinas
16. Wyvern
17. Ryū
18. Ariella
19. Dreq
20. Wyvern
21. Zilant
22. Gyo
23. Ryū
24. Wyvern
25. Dreq
26. Lindworm
27. Ariella
28. Wyvern
29. Zilant
30. Slibinas
31. Neak
32. Wyvern
33. Ryū
34. Zilant
35. Imoogi
36. Ariella
37. Lindworm
38. Imoogi
39. Wyvern
40. Ryū
41. Zilant
42. Dreq
43. Slibinas
44. Ryū
45. Ariella
46. Imoogi
47. Ryū
48. Lindworm
49. Dreq
50. Zilant
51. Ryū
52. Gyo
53. Slibinas
54. Ariella
55. Slibinas
56. Ryū
57. Lindworm
58. Gyo
59. Neak
60. Ryū
61. Neak
62. Dreq
63. Ariella
64. Lindworm
65. Ryū
66. Imoogi
67. Ryū
68. Wyvern
69. Gyo
70. Slibinas
71. Ryū
72. Ariella
73. Dreq
74. Zilant
75. Ryū
76. Zilant
77. Wyvern
78. Ryū
79. Wyvern
80. Dreq
81. Ariella
82. Wyvern
83. Gyo
84. Dreq
85. Neak
86. Zilant
87. Lindworm
88. Wyvern
89. Lindworm
90. Ariella
91. Imoogi
92. Ryū
93. Zilant
94. Dreq
95. Slibinas
96. Dreq
97. Zilant
98. Neak
99. Zilant
Now turn the page to reveal the hidden dragon.
Et voilà! The dragon you wound up with was ARIELLA.
How can I control your mind all the way from my secret hideaway? A good magician never reveals his tricks. But I am not a good magician, so I will give you this hint: Go back and follow the instructions a second time, choosing a different number, and see what result you get.
Better yet, go back to the beginning of the book.
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
One of the best worst things about writing anonymously, pseudonymously, and surreptitiously, as I do, is that I get to have to pretend that I write my books entirely by myself. As much as I might want to give credit where it’s due, it is far safer for me to stay quiet. Any name I might mention is one more way for my enemies to try to track me down.
Nonetheless, after nine books, it is perhaps time to say a word or two on behalf of those who have supported me on the road to literary greatness. Or so the rabbit typing these words for me very strongly suggests. Who has been there, year after year, slaving away by your side, Quiche asks, always ready to lend a hand, or foot, or paw?
Well, Quiche, I hate to admit it, but you’re right. It would be shameful not to acknowledge the hard work and dedication of the people who make the chocolate that sustains me as I—
Tussle—Quiche abandons typewriter—Pseudonymous takes over.
It seems that I have offended my rabbit somehow. Evidently, Quiche was not saying I should thank the chocolatiers of the world. Perhaps he meant the carrot farmers? What’s that, Quiche—I should be thinking of something furry that lives in a top hat? Hmm. Do you mean I should be checking my hat for mold? It does need cleaning.…
If not chocolatiers, I suppose there are a few others I should thank. True, I’d rather not reveal their names, but perhaps I could put them at the bottom of the page. In very small type.
It seems fitting that I end this book with a footnote.*
BY PSEUDONYMOUS BOSCH
THE BAD BOOKS
Bad Magic
Bad Luck
Bad News
THE SECRET SERIES
The Name of This Book Is Secret
If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late
This Book Is Not Good for You
This Isn’t What It Looks Like
You Have to Stop This
Write This Book: A Do-It-Yourself Mystery
* NOTE: THE WOMAN HERSELF DID NOT FEEL SQUEAMISH ABOUT THE SUBJECT. IT IS THIS AUTHOR WHO PREFERS NOT TO GO INTO THE INTRICACIES OF HOW TO PRESERVE AND TREAT URINE IN SUCH A WAY AS TO MAKE IT POTABLE. (AND, YES, IF YOU MUST KNOW, POTABLE MEANS “DRINKABLE.”) IN HER MOISTURE-CONSERVATION EFFORTS, OUR INTREPID DESERT CROSSER WAS INSPIRED, I BELIEVE, BY THE FAMOUS SCIENCE-FICTION NOVEL DUNE. HER JUMPSUIT BORE A DISTINCT RESEMBLANCE TO THE STILLSUITS WORN BY NATIVES OF DUNE ’S DESERT PLANET, ARRAKIS. UNFORTUNATELY, HER SUIT DIDN’T WORK NEARLY AS WELL AS THE ORIGINAL FICTIONAL VERSIONS.
* THE NAMIB DESERT BEETLE IS NOTABLE FOR AN ODD BUT INGENIOUS ADAPTATION TO ITS ARID ENVIRONMENT. THE SHELL OF A NAMIB COLLECTS MOISTURE FROM THE AIR, WHICH THEN CONDENSES AND DRIPS INTO THE BEETLE’S MOUTH.
* MOWGLI, AS YOU MAY KNOW, IS THE HERO OF THE JUNGLE BOOK—A COLLECTION OF STORIES WRITTEN MORE THAN A HUNDRED YEARS AGO BY RUDYARD KIPLING AND MADE FAMOUS IN OUR TIME BY A CERTAIN CARTOON KINGDOM FAMILIARLY KNOWN AS THE MOUSE HOUSE. MOWGLI IS A FERAL, I.E. WILD, BOY WHO GROWS UP IN THE JUNGLE, TALKING TO ANIMALS. I’M SURE YOUR BEHAVIOR IS ALWAYS PERFECTLY CIVILIZED, BUT IF YOU WERE EVER TO LAPSE—MOMENTARILY—INTO BAD MANNERS, YOU MIGHT FIND A STERN ADULT ASKING IF YOU WERE “RAISED BY WOLVES”—A COMMON MOWGLI REFERENCE THAT WOLVES NO DOUBT FIND VERY INSULTING.
* IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT I, ER, RATHER, MAX-ERNEST, MIGHT NOT AGREE THAT HE IS A HYPERCAUTIOUS HYPOCHONDRIAC. (HE WOULD MORE LIKELY CONSIDER HIMSELF A JUDICIOUS MEDICAL EXPERT.) HOWEVER, I HAVE TO SAY I LIKE THE ALLITERATION.
* A BAROMETER MEASURES ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE, MUCH LIKE YOUR GRANDPA’S KNEE, WHICH SHOUTS “HEY, A STORM’S COMING!” EVERY TIME A STORM IS COMING. GRANDPA’S NOT KIDDING—OR NOT COMPLETELY. CHANGES IN ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE AND AGING JOINTS OFTEN HERALD SHIFTS IN THE WEATHER. CHANGES IN MAGICAL PRESSURE, ON THE OTHER HAND, CAN HERALD JUST ABOUT ANYTHING: VOLCANIC ACTIVITY, DRAGONS, PLOT TWISTS.…
* AS DILIGENT READERS WILL REMEMBER, RANDOLPH PRICE WAS A POOR STREET URCHIN WHO STUMBLED ON THE LOST SECRETS OF THE ALCHEMISTS. WHEN HE GOT OLDER, HE USED HIS KNOWLEDGE OF MAGIC TO SPECULATE ON THE STOCK MARKET, EVENTUALLY AMASSING ENOUGH WEALTH TO BUY HIS OWN PRIVATE ISLAND. HIS STORY IS TOLD IN BAD MAGIC, IN WHICH NOVEL ALL HIS SECRETS ARE REVEALED. IF YOU READ IT, YOU WILL BECOME AS RICH AS HE WAS. (MAYBE.)
* IN RETROSPECT, IT WASN’T SUCH A GOOD IDEA TO GET LOST IN THE PARK OR CUT HIS PINKIE FINGER “JUST FOR PRACTICE,” BUT HOW WAS CASS TO KNOW HE WOULD ATTEMPT THOSE THINGS? SHE WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP.
* HUBRIS, OR EXCEEDING PRIDE, USUALLY LEADING TO A FALL, IS OFTEN EXHIBITED BY THE VILLAINS IN NARRATIVES FOR YOUNG READERS. THESE GLOVED NE
’ER-DO-WELLS WILL UNDERESTIMATE THE SLEUTHING PROWESS OF, SAY, A YOUNG SPIKY-HAIRED MAGICIAN, A POINTY-EARED SURVIVALIST, OR A SKATEBOARDING GRAFFITI ARTIST, AND SO BE THWARTED BOOK AFTER BOOK, SERIES AFTER SERIES.
* AIR LOOKS WAVY OVER HOT SURFACES BECAUSE OF A PHENOMENON CALLED REFRACTION. HOT AIR IS LESS DENSE THAN COOL AIR, SO LIGHT SPEEDS UP WHEN IT REACHES A HOT SURFACE AND THEN CURVES UPWARD. AS A RESULT, WE SEE WAVES. THIS HAPPENS OVER HOT ASPHALT OR A BARBECUE GRILL, OR AROUND A DRAGON’S FIERY BREATH.
* THE HIMALAYAN COUSIN OF THE AMERICAN BIGFOOT, THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN, OR YETI, IS A CREATURE OUT OF CRYPTOZOOLOGY, THE STUDY OF MYTHICAL UNCONFIRMED ANIMALS SUCH AS BIGFOOT, THE LOCH NESS MONSTER, CHUPACABRAS, AND EVEN DRAGONS. SIGHTINGS OF THIS MASSIVE, WHITE-FURRED APE-LIKE BEAST GO BACK HUNDREDS OF YEARS, BUT AS OF YET, THERE IS NO FIRM SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR THE MOUNTAINOUS MONSTER OF THE SNOW. THERE’S EVEN LESS PEER-REVIEWED RESEARCH ON THE ABOMINABLE SANDMAN, WHICH IS WHOLLY MADE UP.
* THE ANSWER IS VERY LIKELY NONE, THOUGH SCIENTISTS ONCE BUILT SOMETHING CALLED BIOSPHERE 2, A VIVARIUM, OR ECOLOGICALLY CLOSED SYSTEM (EVERYTHING INSIDE WAS RECYCLED AND REUSED), WHERE EIGHT PEOPLE LIVED TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS. THE EXPERIMENT FELL APART WHEN THE INHABITANTS STARTED SQUABBLING—NOT A SURPRISE TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER LIVED WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. BUT BIOSPHERE 2 WAS A GIANT GREENHOUSE, NOT A CRATER, SO LET’S GIVE THE MIDNIGHT SUN CREDIT FOR TRYING SOMETHING NEW. NEVER MIND THE DRAGONS.
* CRENELS ARE OPENINGS CUT INTO THE WALL-TOPS OF CASTLES, KEEPS, TURRETS, AND SNOW FORTS. CRENELLATION ALLOWS THE DEFENDERS OF THESE IMPORTANT BUILDINGS TO SHOOT ARROWS, POUR BOILING OIL, OR THROW SNOWBALLS AT THEIR ENEMIES, BE THEY DRAGONS, VISIGOTHS, OR OLDER BROTHERS, AND THEN TO HIDE FROM THEIR PREDICTABLY ANGRY RESPONSE.
* BEOWULF IS THE TITLE AND HERO OF THE OLDEST KNOWN EPIC POEM IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. HE FIGHTS A DRAGON (OR WYRM) AFTER ALREADY FIGHTING A MONSTER (GRENDEL) AND THEN ANOTHER MONSTER (GRENDEL’S MOTHER). ONE SHOULD NEVER ENDEAVOR TO BATTLE A DRAGON, BUT IF ONE MUST, ONE SHOULD DO IT FRESH AND SAVE OTHER MONSTERS FOR LATER. BEOWULF IS BESTED BY THE DRAGON, WHO HAS RULED OUR IMAGINATIONS EVER SINCE. THIS POEM’S WYRM IS THE ORIGIN OF MANY MODERN DRAGON MYTHS POSSIBLE TRUTHS: SUCH AS FIRE-BREATHING AND TREASURE HOARDING. J. R. R. TOLKIEN USED BEOWULF’S DRAGON AS INSPIRATION FOR SMAUG, THE DRAGON OBSTACLE IN THE NOVEL THE HOBBIT AND ALL FORTY-SEVEN HOBBIT FILMS.
* NEVER? I CONFESS THAT IS AN EXAGGERATION. BUT IT’S TRUE THAT CLAY WAS NOT ONE FOR THE SOCIAL NICETIES. (HERE’S A REASON TO PRACTICE YOUR MANNERS, IF YOU NEED ONE: GOOD MANNERS CAN MASK ALL SORTS OF DEVIOUSNESS AND SUBTERFUGE.)
* WHEN SCRYING, A FORTUNE-TELLER LOOKS INTO A REFLECTIVE SURFACE TO SEE A FUTURE, PAST, OR SIMPLY DISTANT EVENT. TYPICALLY, THIS IS DONE WITH A MIRROR OR CRYSTAL BALL, BUT ONE CAN SCRY WITH ANY OLD REFLECTIVE OBJECT LYING AROUND THE HOUSE—A LICKED-CLEAN CHOCOLATE WRAPPER, SAY. JONAH USES A TOILET BOWL. HOWEVER, I DON’T SUGGEST YOU FOLLOW HIS LEAD UNLESS THE PAST YOU WANT TO SEE HAPPENS TO BE YOUR LAST MEAL.
* SMOKING A BEEHIVE CALMS THE BEES SO THAT THEY ARE LESS LIKELY TO STING YOU. BLOW SMOKE IN THE FACE OF ALMOST ANY OTHER CREATURE, HOWEVER, AND YOU WILL GET A VERY DIFFERENT REACTION.
* MORE OR LESS. TIME IS NOT MY STRONG SUIT.
* A METAL GLOVE LIKE THIS IS CALLED A GAUNTLET, A WORD YOU MAY RECOGNIZE FROM THE PHRASE THROW DOWN THE GAUNTLET. AND YET IT WAS THE DOUBLE-SIDED AX, KNOWN AS A FRANCISCA, THAT A MEDIEVAL KNIGHT WAS MORE LIKELY TO THROW BEFORE HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT COMMENCED. THE GAUNTLET HE KEPT ON, TO PROTECT HIS FINGERNAILS FROM CHIPPING. KNIGHTS, I’M TOLD, WERE VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT THEIR MANICURES.
* HACKLES ARE ERRANT FEATHERS ALONG A ROOSTER’S BACK. THEY CAN ALSO REFER TO COWLICK HAIRS ON A DOG’S NECK, WHICH STAND UP WITH ANNOYANCE OR FEAR. AGITATING THINGS ARE SAID TO RAISE ONE’S HACKLES. NEVER RAISE A DRAGON’S HACKLES. A HACKLE FEATHER IS ALSO USED WHEN FISHING. BUT INFORMATION ON THAT IS JUST AS BORING AS ACTUAL FISHING.
* IT WAS INDEED A DRAGON SWEAR, WHICH I WOULDN’T DARE REPEAT IN PRINT. NOR COULD I. THE REAL LANGUAGE OF DRAGONS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE REPRODUCED IN ROMAN LETTERS.
* YOU’VE PROBABLY HEARD THAT YOU SHOULDN’T JUMP JUST BECAUSE A FRIEND TELLS YOU TO JUMP. BUT WHEN THE FRIEND IS A DRAGON, IT’S A LITTLE DIFFERENT… EVEN IF TECHNICALLY YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH A DRAGON.
* RENÉ MAGRITTE WAS A TWENTIETH-CENTURY SURREALIST PAINTER WHOSE WORK CELEBRATED THE ABSURD WITH WIT AND BOWLER HATS. SEE ESPECIALLY THE PAINTING GOLCONDA, WHICH DEPICTS DOZENS OF MEN IN COATS AND HATS, FLOATING OVER A SUBURBAN STREETSCAPE. ANOTHER FAMOUS MAGRITTE WORK, WHICH CERTAIN MAGICIANS, AUTHORS, AND SECRET-SOCIETY MEMBERS MIGHT APPRECIATE, IS THE TREACHERY OF IMAGES: A PAINTING OF A PIPE ABOVE THE PHRASE CECI N’EST PAS UNE PIPE. IF YOU DON’T SPEAK FRENCH, IT’S JUST AS BEWILDERING IN ENGLISH. TRANSLATION: “THIS IS NOT A PIPE.” SOMETIMES, ADDITIONAL INFORMATION BELOW A WORK OF ART CAN CREATE GREATER CONFUSION, BUT I DIGRESS.
* IN THE OLDEN DAYS, BEFORE PHONES WERE THINGS THAT YOU PUT IN YOUR POCKET, A TELEPHONE HAD TWO MAJOR PARTS: THE MAIN BODY OF THE TELEPHONE, ON WHICH YOU FOUND THE TELEPHONE DIAL; AND THE RECEIVER, WHICH HAD A MOUTHPIECE AND AN EARPIECE SO THAT PRIMITIVE PEOPLES COULD SPEAK TO EACH OTHER—EVEN WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO TEXT. THE RECEIVER WAS CONNECTED TO THE REST OF THE PHONE WITH A CURLING CORD, LIKE THE ONE DANGLING IN THE PARAGRAPH ABOVE.
* I KNOW THIS NOT TO BE TRUE; CASS WAS AFRAID OF PLENTY OF THINGS. DEHYDRATION. CERTAIN EXTINCTION-LEVEL EVENTS. PLASTIC BAGS. I AM MERELY TRYING TO CONVEY SATYA’S STATE OF MIND.
* WE MAY EXTRAPOLATE THAT THE NUTRITIONAL VALUE OF NAMIB DESERT BEETLES WOULD BE SIMILAR.
* TECHNICALLY, OF COURSE, TARANTULAS ARE NOT INSECTS; THEY ARE ARACHNIDS. NEVERTHELESS, THEY ARE REPUTEDLY DELICIOUS.
* AN UNPRONOUNCEABLE BUT UNMISTAKABLE DRAGON CURSE.
* THESE DRAGONS INCLUDE DREQ (ALBANIAN DRAGON), RYŪ (JAPANESE DRAGON ASSOCIATED WITH WATER AND GRANTING WISHES), NEAK (KHMER DRAGON WITH CHARACTERISTICS OF A COBRA), IMOOGI (KOREAN OCEAN DRAGON), GYO (KOREAN MOUNTAIN DRAGON), LINDWORM (SCANDINAVIAN SERPENTINE DRAGON), WYVERN (A TWO-LEGGED DRAGON MOST OFTEN SEEN IN MEDIEVAL HERALDRY), ZILANT (THE LEGENDARY DRAGON THAT SYMBOLIZED THE POWER OF THE KAZAN TARTARS), AND SLIBINAS (LITHUANIAN HYDRA-HEADED, I.E. MULTIHEADED, DRAGON).
* WARNING: THIS FOOTNOTE IS GOING TO BE VERY LONG. I HAVE TEN YEARS’ WORTH OF THANK-YOUS TO COVER. IF THAT SOUNDS DAUNTING, OR IF YOU HAPPEN BE PART OF A SINISTER SECRET SOCIETY WITH THE INITIALS MS, PLEASE TURN AWAY.
PSEUDONYMOUS BOSCH WAS BORN NOT WITH A BOOK BUT WITH A SERIES OF LETTERS THAT I WROTE TO A FOURTH GRADER NAMED MAY, AS PART OF HER SCHOOL’S ADULT VOLUNTEER PROGRAM, WRITING PARTNERS. AT THE TIME, I HAD NO IDEA THAT MY MUSINGS ABOUT SECRETS, CHOCOLATE, AND THE PLEASURES AND PITFALLS OF PROCRASTINATION WOULD LEAD TO A NOVEL CALLED THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET, LET ALONE TO THE SECRET SERIES OR THE BAD BOOKS. IF ANYONE HAD AN INKLING, IT WAS MAY’S MOTHER, MY FRIEND MARGARET STOHL, WHO’D FORCED ME TO VOLUNTEER AT HER DAUGHTER’S SCHOOL IN THE FIRST PLACE. IN THE YEARS SINCE, MARGIE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE TO PUSH ME KICKING AND SCREAMING OVER THE FINISH LINE WHENEVER A BOOK IS DUE. THUS MY BOOKS CAN TRULY BE SAID TO BEGIN AND END WITH HER. AT THE RISK OF BREAKING AN UNSPOKEN RULE, THANK YOU, MARGIE. YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND A NEUROTIC WRITER, OR ANYONE, COULD HAVE.
MANY OTHER GENEROUS FRIENDS HAVE HELPED IN THE EFFORT TO PUSH, AND IN SOME CASES PULL, MY BOOKS ALONG OVER THE YEARS, PROPPING ME UP, TEARING ME DOWN, AND EVEN READING DRAFTS AS THE SITUATION DEMANDED. TO NAME JUST A FEW OF THESE LONG-SUFFERING SOULS, I AM GRATEFUL TO: MICHAEL RAVITCH, ROXANA TYNAN, NICOLE DE LEON, CARA TAPPER, TANIA KATAN, MELISSA DE LA CRUZ, JENNIFER LEHR, AND THE BEST LITERARY CHEERLEADER IN THE WORLD, HILARY REYL. I HAVE HILARY TO THANK FOR INTRODUCING ME TO MY AGENT, SARAH BURNES, WHO TOOK ME ON WHEN PSEUDONYMOUS BOSCH WAS BARELY A GLIMMER IN MY INNER EYE. SARAH HAS GREAT TASTE (OBVIOUSLY!), MANAGES TO BE OPTIMISTIC AND REALISTIC AT ONCE, IS TOUGH WHEN SHE NEEDS TO BE, AND IS A GOOD FRIEND ALWAYS. THANK YOU, SARAH, FOR HELPING TURN A FEW HALF-FORMED PAGES INTO NINE FULL-FLEDGED BOOKS, EACH WITH ITS VERY OWN BAR CODE.
WHEN IT CAME TIME TO FIND A PUBLISHER, SARAH ES
CORTED ME INTO AN OFFICE TOWER, WHERE WE WERE GREETED BY A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE IN WHITE GLOVES. AS READERS OF MY BOOKS CAN IMAGINE, THE GLOVES GAVE ME QUITE A SCARE. I AM GLAD TO REPORT THAT THE PEOPLE WEARING THEM WERE NOT MEMBERS OF THE MIDNIGHT SUN, BUT RATHER THE ENTHUSIASTIC, DEDICATED, AND VERY TALENTED STAFF OF LITTLE, BROWN BOOKS FOR YOUNG READERS, WHO HAD DECIDED TO HOST A SURPRISE PARTY FOR US, REPLETE WITH COSTUMES AND PROPS FOR A FLEA CIRCUS–SIZED PRODUCTION OF THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.
THAT WAS THE DAY I MET THE EDITOR OF THE SECRET SERIES, JENNIFER HUNT. A LEGEND AMONG HER WRITERS, JENNIFER HAS UNERRING EDITORIAL INSTINCTS AND A GREAT SMILE. FOR YEARS, HER REACTIONS SERVED AS A COMPASS FOR ME, TELLING ME WHEN I WAS ON COURSE OR OFF. SHE WAS ALSO MY TASKMASTER, FORCING ME TO WRITE FIVE BOOKS IN FIVE YEARS WHEN ON MY OWN I MIGHT NOT HAVE WRITTEN TWO. THANK YOU FOR CRACKING THE WHIP, JENNIFER. IT WAS MORE THAN WORTH IT.
HAPPILY, WHEN JENNIFER LEFT LITTLE, BROWN, I WAS NOT LEFT ADRIFT. EDITOR IN CHIEF ALVINA LING HAS MADE SURE THAT MY BOOKS ARE WELL TAKEN CARE OF. THE DELIGHTFUL AND CLEVER CONNIE HSU EDITED THE (INTENTIONALLY) UNFINISHED WRITE THIS BOOK AND THE FIRST BAD BOOK, BAD MAGIC, HELPING MAKE SENSE OF MY SCATTER-SHOT STORYTELLING—A HORRENDOUSLY DIFFICULT TASK IN WHICH SHE WAS AIDED BY LESLIE SHUMATE. IN THE WRITING OF THE SUBSEQUENT BAD BOOKS, BAD LUCK AND BAD NEWS, I HAVE HAD THE PLEASURE OF WORKING WITH A MODEL EDITOR AND HUMAN BEING, LISA YOSKOWITZ. I CAN THINK OF NO HIGHER COMPLIMENT THAN TO SAY THAT I DO EVERYTHING SHE TELLS ME TO DO; THERE ARE VERY FEW PEOPLE, LEAST OF ALL EDITORS, OF WHOM I CAN SAY THAT. I’M NOT QUITE SURE HOW SHE MANAGES IT, UNLESS IT IS BY KNOWING EXACTLY HOW AND WHEN TO SOFTEN ME UP WITH THE PERFECT MORSEL OF PRAISE. ALSO, SHE’S USUALLY RIGHT. LISA, I AM PUTTY IN YOUR HANDS.
I’M NOT SUGGESTING THAT EVERY SINGLE BOOK OF MINE HAS BEEN TURNED IN MONTHS PAST DEADLINE, BUT IF THAT WERE THE CASE, AND IF MY BOOKS HAD NONETHELESS MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE BOOKSTORE IN ONE PIECE, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THANKS TO THE INFINITE PATIENCE AND EXPERT JUGGLING OF LBYR’S MANAGING EDITORIAL TEAM: ANDY BALL, JEN GRAHAM, CHRISTINE CUCCIO RADLMANN, AND AMANDA HONG. HERE I MUST ALSO MENTION A CERTAIN COPY EDITOR WHO IS AS GENEROUS WITH HER TIME AS SHE IS EXACTING WITH HER PEN. PSEUDONYMOUS BOSCH MAY BE A GRAMMAR SNOB, BUT EVEN HE IS PRONE TO MAKING THE OCCASIONAL GRIEVOUSLY EMBARRASSING ERROR TYPO. THANK YOU, BARBARA BAKOWSKI, AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT ANY GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES I MAY OR MAY NOT MAKE ARE TO BE KEPT STRICTLY BETWEEN YOU AND I—ER, ME.