Seed of Scorn

by Aaron-Michael Hall

  “Would you like to ride today?” he asked, breaking the silence. “Ahni and Ameya are going to the lake after noon meal.”

  “Not today,” Droxahn said. “I need to visit Ahvixx. He’s been distant for a few full moons, and I’m worried about him.”

  “Has Sahma been able to visit?” Aizen asked.

  “No. She’s tried, but Ahvixx hasn’t been himself. Only Olam and Nohek Asmaa see him now.”

  “Mayhaps he’d like to join us on the morrow. We can ride to the Raphar and fish before the cold takes hold. He’s enjoyed doing so in the past, and it’s been some time since we’ve gone.” He paused, taking both of her hands. “It’s been too long since he and I have just sat and talked. Soon, he’ll truly be my brother.”

  “And I’ll be your wife,” Droxahn said. “I’d hoped that Ahvixx had found the same happiness with Sahma.”

  “As did I. They are truly a complement to each other. Speak with him, and help him reclaim his life,” he said, kissing her cheek. “Can you meet me in the practice yard once you’ve finished?”

  “I will,” Droxahn said. After watching him depart, she continued to Ahvixx’s chamber, hoping he’d be willing to see her. Since his return from Nazil, he’d become distant, ofttimes not even allowing her visits.

  Droxahn took a deep breath, knocking on his door. When he didn’t respond, she leaned in, hearing movement inside. She knocked harder, calling out his name. After a few moments, she tested the handle, pushing inside the room.

  She gasped, seeing Ahvixx kneeling on the floor, prostrating himself while mumbling partial prayers. He’d cropped his hair, and it hung in tangled patches just beneath his shoulders. A long bound bundle of hair lay on the small table beside an old dagger: its blade tarnished and jagged from neglect.

  “Ahvixx?” she said, helping him from the floor. When he met her eyes, his were streaked with red lines with puffy bags beneath. “Ahvixx?”

  He nodded absently, sitting on the stool next to his table. Turning toward the mirror, he lifted the brush, passing it over his knotted hair.

  “Allow me, Brother,” she said, reaching for the brush. He defensively rotated his shoulder, keeping it from her grasp.

  “Thank you, no. I can manage.”

  “Ahvixx, what happened to your hair?” she asked, picking up the bound locks from the table.

  “I cut it. It tangles far too easily, you know.”

  Droxahn searched his face, and then glanced around his chamber, noting two large satchels on the bed. There was nothing else in the room, save the furnishings.

  “Are you going back to Nazil?” she asked.

  “No.”

  “Then why have you packed your belongings? Even your scrolls and books aren’t in your chamber. Are you returning to Bandari?”

  “No. I’m going to meet with Nohek Asmaa.”

  “The Nohek? But why, and why are you wearing that cassock?”

  “I’m petitioning to rejoin the temple. My wont has always been that of a priest. It’s time for me to focus on my studies again.”

  “What?”

  The movement of the brush stopped as he turned to face her. “Wasn’t I supposed to become a priest?”

  “That was long ago, Ahvixx. You have more options now, and I thought that you were happy. You don’t have to join the Nohek.”

  “I’ve prayed fervently about my path. The Guardians blessed me with these visions. They wouldn’t have done so if I wasn’t supposed to serve them as a priest.”

  She shook her head, not only in disbelief, but in disagreement as well. “No, Ahvixx. This isn’t where your heart truly leans. On this, I know you better than you know yourself. You can serve the Guardians without joining the Nohek. Olam was a conduit for the Guardians, too, and he has a beautiful wife and children. I thought that you wanted the same.”

  “I can’t, Droxahn, I’m not Olam. I need the solitude and discipline that the temple provides. When left to my own will, I become weak and distrait. I’ve turned from my true purpose with thoughts of fleshly desires. This isn’t of the Guardians, nor is it who I want to be.”

  “No, you’ve always served the Guardians. It isn’t the desires of the flesh, Ahvixx, it’s the desire of your heart. Love, Brother. Are you doing this because of Sahma? Is this why you’re trying to hide in the temple instead of telling her of your heart?”

  “What do you know about my heart?” he said, more harshly than he’d intended.

  “I know just as you do that you’re in love with Sahma,” she said, removing the brush from his grasp.

  He stared at his reflection for many long moments before he could respond. “I do love Sahma, just as she loves me. We’re friends, and I respect that friendship enough to know when it’s time to remove myself from her life. Sahma has Lord Swayne now, and has no need of dearest friends.”

  “No, Sahma has attempted to see you, and you won’t allow it. She doesn’t understand what’s happened. She misses you, Ahvixx, not only your company, but the completeness of your love.”

  “Sahma has Lord Swayne to soothe her now. Our closeness was merely temporary until she found that which she truly wanted.”

  “How can you say that? Sahma has always loved you. Always.”

  “As a friend,” he shouted, standing from the stool. “As her dearest friend and nothing more. No matter what intimacies we shared, it was nothing more. Do you not understand? I’ve tried, and still she won’t have me. Now, she has Jarin Swayne, a high lord, and son of a Caretaker. What is Ahvixx Ahllendale compared to that?”

  She wrapped him in a tight hug. “There’s no comparison. No one can love like you do or show it so profoundly. You sacrifice yourself for those you love, and for me most of all. Jarin has a title and little else. You have substance, a kind heart, and are a wonderful person, Ahvixx. If you only told her your true feelings, and the depth of your love. She feels the same, Brother, I’m certain of that. Don’t allow your misconceptions to cloud what you know in your heart. Please.”

  Ahvixx returned the embrace, weakening as her arms tightened around him. How he needed that affection far more than he realized. After kissing the crown of her head, he pushed away.

  “I can’t…not anymore,” he said, turning and lifting the satchels from the bed. “It’s you who doesn’t understand. Sahma and I have shared the most intimate moments, a closeness beyond anything we’d previously known. None of it was meant beyond the bounds of friendship. She sees me as a friend, Droxahn, yet I didn’t listen. I thought such intimacies were part of a greater love, a greater relationship, but they weren’t. Sahma did choose me above all others, but not for a bond. Not the kind that I sought.

  “I don’t fault her. Had I the courage, I would’ve asked for a promise when I knew that I was in love with her. I—I couldn’t, and now it’s Lord Swayne who she imagines at her side.” He leaned down, kissing her cheek.

  “I’m happy for you and Aizen, and I’ll be there to offer you to him for your bond. I’ll remain in Noraa if the Nohek accepts me. However, I can’t sit here and watch Sahma give her heart to another. The pain of it is too great.”

  “Talk to her, Brother, please. Tell her what you just told me.”

  “It would serve no purpose. I desire her happiness above even my own. If Lord Swayne can provide this for her, I’m pleased. She deserves nothing less.”

  He walked to the door and then paused, looking over his shoulder. “I love you, Droxahn, and I’m proud of the woman that you’ve become. The sacrifices I made for you, I would make again. Mother and Father were no longer with us, and I needed to keep you safe. I’ve never regretted it, and I’d endure it again to protect you. I love you.”

  Droxahn’s tears began anew, feeling her knees weaken. As he left the room, she lowered to his stool, lifting the brush in her hands. Her heart ached, reflecting on not only the present, but more so, the past. Ahvixx had suffered so much for her, and she couldn’t bear seeing him suffering again.

  “Ahvixx!” Sahma said
, rushing through the open door.

  Droxahn turned, setting the brush back on the table. “He—he’s gone.”

  “What? Gone where?”

  “He’s petitioning to rejoin the temple.”

  “What do you mean? Why didn’t he tell me?”

  “There’s much that he hasn’t told you. Ahvixx feels that joining the Nohek is the best decision for his life. The pain of remaining here was too great.”

  “What pain? I thought he loved me, but he keeps pushing me away. I don’t understand any of this, Droxahn. When did he—” Her eyes widened, as she rushed over to the table, lifting the bound hair. “No…why?”

  “The memory…” Droxahn stopped, seeing Sahma’s pained expression.

  “When did he leave?”

  “Not long ago. He didn’t want to stay here and see you with Jarin.”

  “Jarin? We’re only friends. When Jarin visited Noraa, he told me about his promise and invited me to Yarah. Had Ahvixx allowed my visits, he would’ve known.”

  “Ahvixx is in love with you,” Droxahn said. “He was afraid to tell you, but he confessed that love to me.”

  “In love?”

  “Yes. Why do you think he left? He wanted to marry you but thought that you preferred Jarin.”

  “In love?” she said, recalling their numerous conversations.

  “You didn’t know?”

  “No. I knew that he loved me as I loved him, but I didn’t want to ask more than he was able to offer. When I realized my deeper feelings…” She paused, remembering more of their conversations. “He never asked for a promise. I told him that I was his, and that I wanted no one else, but he never asked. Why didn’t he tell me?”

  “Ask him, Sahma. Do you truly love him as he does you?”

  Without hesitation, she said, “Yes. Since before our time in Nazil, I knew. I asked him, but he didn’t say, not plainly. I thought—” she stopped, rushing to the door. “I need to find him.”

  Ahvixx inclined his head, sitting opposite Nohek Asmaa and next to Olam. He lowered his gaze, unable to meet either of their eyes.

  “Why have you come?” Asmaa asked.

  “I’ve come to ask if I may resume my studies.”

  Asmaa and Olam exchanged a look.

  “I thought that you’d decided to leave the temple,” Asmaa said. “What’s changed?”

  “I’ve never ceased my studies, Nohek. My sister and I left the temple on the Caretakers’ invitation. I didn’t ask to leave, but understood the wisdom of the decision.”

  “This is true, but why can’t you continue your studies as you have?” Olam asked. “Your presence at the citadel and your trips to Nazil are invaluable. We thought that you enjoyed your time with us.”

  “I—I have. They’ve been some of the most memorable in all of my life. Albeit, I need to serve the Guardians as I was meant to. No longer can I allow outside distractions to keep me from my purpose. I’m studying to be a priest, and need to be in the temple to do so effectually. Only here can I truly fulfill that which the Guardians would have of me.”

  “The Guardians?” Asmaa said. “Have you had a vision about your purpose then?”

  “No, Sir.”

  “Then why are you certain your future is here with us?”

  “I’ve prayed, and I’ve asked what I’m supposed to do…who I am to be.”

  “Oh, I see,” Asmaa said. “What did the Guardians reveal?”

  Ahvixx shook his head, running his hands over his tangled, uneven hair. “Nothing,” he murmured.

  “I don’t understand, Ahvixx. If you aren’t led by the Guardians to return, then why are you here?” Asmaa asked more forcefully.

  “This is where I need to be, Nohek.” His voice cracked. “This is where I belong. I’m safe here, and everything makes sense. I’m allowed my solitude and I serve the Seven. This is what I want.”

  “Is it truly?” Olam asked, turning to face him.

  “Yes. My life is here in the temple, and I was foolish to think otherwise.”

  “Does your decision have anything to do with Sahma?” Olam asked.

  “Only in that she helped me realize where I truly belong.”

  “I don’t think you believe that,” Asmaa said. “I believe that you aren’t willing to face what awaits you beyond these walls. Here, in the temple, you have no distractions. There isn’t anything but your worship, studies, and duties. That’s tempting to you now as it was before. Not because it’s a life you choose, but because it allows you to hide…to ignore the life you should be leading and the one you truly desire.”

  “Nohek, please allow me to stay.” He met Asmaa’s eyes for a moment, trying to keep the dubiety from his. “I’ve failed. I thought—I thought. I’ve failed,” Ahvixx said, lowering his head.

  “No, you haven’t failed,” Olam said. “You’ve given up. What you fear is what lies in your heart, Ahvixx. Had you come to me, I would’ve told you the truth.”

  “What truth?”

  “A truth you needed to hear. Your dedication to the Seven has never been in question. Even after you left the temple, you didn’t stray from this path. When your relationship and love for Sahma grew, you still remained committed to your faith.” Olam paused, allowing his words to penetrate. “Had you come to Saifu or me you would’ve known.”

  Ahvixx’s brow knitted.

  “When you informed me about your interest in a promise, I told you that I’d speak to Saifu. I did just that after we returned from Nazil. Both Saifu and Yeshe were receptive, but your interest had waned. You stayed locked in your chamber and wouldn’t even allow Sahma to visit. And now, this radical change with your hair, too. It’s as if you’re attempting to cut away a part of yourself, a part connected to her. If it hadn’t been for our sessions, I wouldn’t have seen you.

  “Ahvixx, what you wanted was right there before you, yet you didn’t have faith in me, Saifu, Sahma, or yourself to claim it.”

  “The—they accepted me for their daughter?”

  “They not only accepted the promise, they were pleased that you’d offer it. Both are very fond of you, and more so, the joy you bring to their daughter.”

  Ahvixx shook his head, lowering it again. “Sahma isn’t interested in my promise. Jarin Swayne is a high lord, and he makes her happy.”

  “More than you?” Olam asked. “Have you even asked her?”

  “In Nazil—”

  “I didn’t ask you about Nazil. Would you truly allow the limited time spent there to have more meaning than the seasons you spent together in Noraa? Do you accept defeat so readily?”

  Ahvixx flinched, shocked by the harshness of Olam’s tone. “No…I mean, I don’t know, Sir Ojarz. If I’m a priest, I can do what I know is right. This makes sense to me.”

  “Of course, it does,” Asmaa said. “You take no risk by serving the Seven. Naturally, there are always trials, but not as significant or life altering as the one from which you flee. Are you certain the Seven aren’t testing you now?”

  “Testing me? Why?”

  “That answer doesn’t lie with me. The Gods don’t order our steps, Ahvixx, they bring people into our lives to help guide us, or complement what we are. We choose what will become of such associations, not the gods.

  “What I know is that your wont isn’t that of a priest. I mean no slight by that, Ahvixx, you’ve always served faithfully and are an asset to the temple. Howbeit, becoming a Nohek is more than a whim…it’s a true calling. You could take no wife or sire any children, and must remain chaste.” Asmaa paused. “You must be pure of heart and body. This you cannot do because you aren’t called to do so. It’s not a failing. Serve the Seven as you are now, and guide others to them so that they, too, may learn. But don’t come here proclaiming your earnest in turning your life over to their service when you know it isn’t a commitment you can truly make.”

  “You won’t allow me to stay?”

  “You may stay, Ahvixx, temporarily. I’ll pray with you, and you may comm
une and seek your true path. But your life lies beyond these walls, and I won’t permit you to run from it.”

  First Stone

  “Symeon will soon announce the candidates selected for public challenge in the melee,” Nakaris said in an effort to relieve the tedium of the lengthy trip.

  “Are there any candidates you feel unworthy of such an honor?” Wosen asked.

  “It isn’t for me to say. Symeon alone has choice over such matters.”

  “Agreed, but you must have an opinion about the candidates. You’ve known most of the men for years.”

  Nakaris nodded, regarding Wosen from the corner of his eye. Not so long ago, such a sight would be unheard of. No person with a blended heritage would’ve ever been allowed to hold such a prestigious position or escort the Zaontras of Nazil. Yet, there Wosen sat, proudly wearing the liveries of the Chosen.

  Without realizing, Nakaris shook his head. He didn’t dislike Wosen, contrariwise, he thought much of him and his father, Hosdaq. However, it would take time for him to become accustomed to the numerous changes in Faélondul.

  One significant change was Symeon. It wasn’t merely his presence, although most men would shrink away at the indomitable man. Symeon towered over the guards and appeared twice as muscled. With his smooth onyx complexion, warrior marks, and braid, he was even more remarkable. Now, he was First Chosen over all others in Nazil, and the collective cities and villages. A former slave was the fourth powerful man in all of Faélondul. How could such a thing be? Symeon was respected by those who knew him. But the others—the other Nazilians knew only the slave, and wouldn’t suffer such a slight.

  Now, Nakaris sat beside Wosen, an abomination to those of the white city. A half-human tortured in the dark chamber due to his blended heritage. Nakaris couldn’t stop the grin that creased his lips.

  “What are your thoughts?” Wosen finally asked.

  “My thoughts are many, Sir Neufmarche,” he said with a chortle. He wasn’t humored by Wosen’s title, but rather at the ridiculousness of his own contemplations.

  “I have to admit,” Nakaris continued. “My respect for many Nazilians has waned of late. Men that I once held in high regard no longer deserve such a position. There are others I thought were less, who’ve proven what honor is meant to be. What I thought I knew was not what truly was.”