All Right Now

by Madelynne Ellis

  A: It’s late now, probably not a good time to go over things.

  G: Yes, of course.

  A: I’ll maybe call tomorrow.

  G: Tomorrow.

  He could picture her nodding.

  They were playing the same venue tomorrow that they’d played today, so finding time for the call ought not to prove difficult, and he could slip into the space beneath the seating again to ensure some privacy. He was reaching for the light switch, when the mobile vibrated again.

  G: I’m so sorry. I really miss you.

  “I miss you too,” he said to the screen. He missed her more than he could easily put into words. There was an aching void in his chest, but his head said that forgiving her would only open himself up to even greater hurt.

  “Are you talking to yourself, Mr. Gore?” Rock Giant stuck his head around Ash’s curtains. “That’s not a good sign, you know.”

  “To the phone.” Ash held the device up as evidence.

  “To it, not a person.” Rock Giant tutted and shook his head. “That’s not any better. Maybe you ought to start talking to living things, you might get an actual response.”

  Maybe.

  “Do you think I’m an idiot for still wanting her?”

  He didn’t need to qualify who he meant. Paul knew exactly who he meant.

  “Duh, Ash. I always think you’re an idiot, but if it helps, I think you’re a bigger one for moping over a woman who’d be on the next plane here and sucking the jizz out of your cock if you merely said the word.”

  Okay, actually, he wished he’d never asked.

  Ash bounced the nearest item to hand off his friend’s head, which happened to be a box of condoms. “There was no need to be so fucking crude, and you could at least try to answer the question instead of merely being a jerk about it. That’s if it hasn’t escaped your mind what she did.”

  Paul slapped the box down on Ash’s bunk having retrieved it from the floor. His elbows jabbed into the mattress either side of it. “Completely screwed up my plans of Christmas, that’s what.”

  Ash glowered.

  “Not that?” Paul rapped his fingers against his temple. “Hang on, let me think. Oh yeah, she agreed to fucking marry you. Crazy bitch.”

  “She lied and left me,” Ash snapped, growing irate at Paul’s belligerent inanity.

  His friend’s face scrunched into a ton of wrinkles, and he scratched at the man bun he’d pulled the longer strands of his hair into. “Actually, I’m fairly sure that only one of those things happened. She didn’t leave you, Ash. You left her. Abandoned her in a taxi of all places. I mean I totally get why you’d want to choose my company over hers during Christmas, but you could have at least seen her to some accommodation. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.”

  “Oh, just piss off.” Ash lashed out with his elbow. He really wasn’t in the right frame of mind to deal with Rock Giant’s sense of humour right now. He failed to connect a strike, or to chase his band mate away, though he did adopt a more serious expression.

  Ash raised himself up on his elbows. “What?”

  “What yourself. What is it you want me to say, Ash? Am I supposed to tell you she’s a scumbag and you’re better off without her? Will that make you feel better? If it is, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. I’m not going to lie to you. What she did was crap, but that one thing doesn’t tip the balance next to the millions of good things you got out of your relationship with her. She was good for you.”

  “So, you all think I’m an idiot for letting her go in the first place.”

  “Actually, we think you were understandably upset,” Spook piped up from the bunk below Ash’s. “But it’s up to you whether what she did is a permanent relationship killer. Therefore, there’s no point in endlessly asking our opinions on whether you should give her a second chance. Only you know what the best course of action for you is. This is one decision you’re going to have to make for yourself.”

  That was okay for Spook to say. He wasn’t the one who’d had their trust categorically betrayed.

  “You realise as bombshells go, it could have been much worse.” Rock Giant stretched his arms above his head and adopted a one-legged yoga pose that he even managed to maintain as the bus trundled over a series of bumps in the road. “I’m in the process of divorcing my husband is way better than I’m a mass murdering psychopath.”

  “Or pregnant with someone else’s kid,” Spook suggested.

  “I already have multiple kids,” Xane strolled in and immediately joined the conversation. “I mean kids can be cute, but you wouldn’t want to raise anyone’s but your own, right?”

  Somehow Ash suspected that remark might come back to haunt Xane. If he was going to engage in a long-term polyamorous relationship, then he’d have to accept that down the line there might be consequences to that that involved the pattering of tiny feet that might not be a product of his genetics. However, point taken. All those things would indeed have been worse to hear.

  “I might call her tomorrow.”

  “Awesome,” Xane clapped.

  “Thank ever loving fuck.” Rock Giant turned away and hoisted himself into his top bunk.

  Luthor padded in, and noticing there was space in Xane’s bunk, got in beside him. Ash did briefly wonder what had happened to Dani, but he didn’t ask. He’d been avoiding Dani ever since the morning after his birthday when she’d given him the dressing down of his life.

  -28-

  “Was that Ash?” Dani asked.

  Ginny sucked the dollop of ice-cream off her spoon, trying to figure out what had given the game away. Possibly her expression. She’d done her best to school it into neutrality, but after not hearing a thing from Ash for weeks, it’d been hard not to make at least a small squeal of surprise.

  “DM ringtone,” Dani said, exactly as if she’d been asked to explain her deduction. She waggled her own ice-cream spoon in Ginny’s direction. “What did he say?”

  “That he wants to talk.”

  “Yay, progress. You do need to talk.”

  They did, but her limbs were already trembling over the prospect. Likely her fear of the confrontation would be worse than the reality, as it had when she’d finally faced up to Miles, but that didn’t prevent her stomach from churning.

  “So, when have you arranged to speak?”

  “He’s calling sometime tomorrow.”

  Dani sighed and popped her loaded spoon into her mouth, then swallowed before saying, “You didn’t think to tell him that you weren’t that far away and that meeting in person was an option?”

  “He’s in Minsk, we’re in Hamburg. We’re pretty far away from each other, Dani. In any case, don’t you think that would have come across as a bit weird?”

  “No weirder than the reason we’re here in the first place. I mean who the hell buys a car that they can’t drive?”

  Ginny refused to be cowed. “It’s not for me, and you know it.”

  “Oh, I know it. I’ve seen it. It’s a whopping big unmissable yellow apology that only screams a little of desperation.”

  “It’s something I know he’ll appreciate. Flowers and chocolates or whatever it is you’re supposed to give a bloke weren’t going to cut it.”

  “Blowjobs?” Dani suggested, a smile streaking across her face. “And for the record, even with the pressie, I recommend falling on your knees.”

  “I don’t want him to think I’m trying to get into his pants,” Ginny said. “I’m trying to find a meaningful way of saying I’m a fucking colossal idiot, okay? This seemed like an in-road.”

  “Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a shiny new toy.”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  Dani did as requested, and went back to spooning ice-cream from her enormous chocolate sundae into her mouth. It was only when she reached the bottom of the dessert that she made a second attempt at influencing Ginny’s decision. “If you have this conversation over the phone, the problem is one or the other of you is going to end u
p butt hurt, and then you’ll hang up.”

  “I’m not going to hang up, and if Ash does, then I’m just going to have to suck it up. I can’t just spring up in front of him like a jack-in-the-box, Dani. If we talk on the phone, maybe it’ll lead to better things, but I can’t just assume that.” Her appetite destroyed, she pushed her sundae away.

  Dani drew her discarded dessert across the table and tucked in. Apparently, having two boyfriends had given her friend an insatiable appetite. “Ash put his heart on the line in front of a stadium full of mad rockers. It’ll work out eventually.”

  Yeah, he had, and she would never forget that moment, even without the numerous social media postings of him down on bended knee. She just wished she shared Dani’s confidence that Ash still cared enough to fix this. His texts hadn’t given her a huge amount to go on, only enough hope to bless her with a bad case of the maybes. That wasn’t enough for her to hit the tarmac of the Autobahn quite yet.

  ***

  Ash called mid-afternoon right while Ginny was in the middle of peeing. He hung up before she’d had a chance to dry her hands and answer. She hit call back, before her brain engaged and convinced her to hesitate. Ash answered on the second ring.

  “Sorry, I didn’t want to get the phone wet,” she blurted, and followed it up with a nauseating giggle.

  Oh. Dear. God. They’d not spoken in six weeks after she’d dropped a whacking great bombshell, and the first thing out of her mouth was a bunch of crap. If she kept this up, then there’d be zero chance of them ever seeing eye to eye again.

  Okay, lady. Pull it together.

  Ginny cleared her throat, and began again. “What I mean is that I’m glad you called. I appreciate you giving me this chance. I know what I did and I’m deeply sorry for it. You have to believe me, Ash. It wasn’t my intention to deceive you.” It hadn’t been. Leastways, not a conscious one. “I just got scared, and I mucked up. And I understand why…” She trailed off, as a resounding silence echoed in her ear.

  “Ash? Ash, are you there?”

  “I’m here,” he said after an excruciating pause, his voice so quiet she could barely hear it over the jackhammering of her pulse. “I’m not sure why, but I’m here, and I’ve gotta confess, I’m not entirely sure if it’s a good idea.”

  “Oh. Okay,” she sighed. This was already going badly. Though what the hell did she expect, they were never going to clear the air with one conversation. She’d hurt him too deeply. Instead of giving him the sort of Christmas he’d always want to remember, she’d soured the whole season, destroyed his chance to be with his family and she was clearly doing a fucking awful job of apologising. As if you could ever really fix anything with three little words.

  Or maybe you could. She had to believe you could. The thought of what they’d shared being over forever was unbearable.

  “I’ve done nothing but think about you since you got out of that cab. Ash, I really fucked things up, I know that, and I wish I could say I kept you out of the loop for a sensible reason, but—”

  “Don’t,” he insisted. “Please, stop. I can’t. It’s too much; the wound’s still too raw.”

  Oh shit! Dani was right in her prediction, he was going to hang up and she’d have blown her chance. If they were going to talk this out, they did need to do it face to face.

  “Just…just give me a chance, please… Please. I really want to fix us.”

  She waited with her heart in her throat, and chills running through her limbs for his response.

  “I don’t know if I can trust you. I’m not sure I even know who you are.”

  Ginny shuddered at the level of despair in his voice.

  “I’m the same woman you fell in love with. The same woman who still dreads the phone ringing in case it’s someone calling to inform me you’ve been admitted again,” she said, desperate to kindle some kind of—any kind of—hope. “Ash, I married Miles when I was a child. I’m not that naïve girl anymore. I’m not yet the woman I want to be, but I’m working on it, and secrets and lies are not going to be part of who she is. You might not want a promise from me, but that is a promise.”

  “You’ve made promises before and haven’t kept them.”

  “What promises?” She’d promised to love him; to marry him. She hadn’t broken either of those. She still did, and she wanted to.

  “You were supposed to show me how to spot thieves, so that I didn’t keep losing stuff.”

  “We never went anywhere where I could point them out. There are probably a few around wherever you are now. They’re quite easy to spot. They’re normally the ones keen for your assistance, or to be friendly, or who want to get hands on. Also, you realise you only gave me one guitar lesson. I backed your address book up to Google. I think we’re even on that one.”

  “Perhaps we are. You weren’t very good at guitar. Your stance was awful.”

  His stance still was. She’d seen clips of several of the gigs on social media. He still held his guitar as if it was in the process of electrocuting him, but God did he make that instrument sing. “Maybe we could work on it the next time we meet.”

  “Maybe.”

  That resulted in a more positive response than she’d hoped possible. He hadn’t blanket ruled out the prospect of them meeting up.

  “I need to go now, Ginny.”

  “Prep to do?”

  “Xane wants to jiggle the set around a bit. He’s trying to make Liam more comfortable, though I’m not sure how mucking with the order of things is going to help. The guy steps on stage every night looking like he’s been dowsed in flour, and not down to special effects. Still, since he’s way less exhausting a band mate than Elspeth ever was, I’m showing willing.”

  “Right, then I’d better say goodbye.”

  “Farewell,” he corrected her. “I’ll call again.”

  ***

  Ash did as promised, but not until another four days had passed, during which span both Black Halo and Ginny had relocated several times. Tonight, Black Halo were performing in the Polish capital before heading into Austria in time for Valentine’s Day. Ginny’s nails had been sacrificed to the gods of time in the process. Every one of them was now bitten to the quick. Dani had assaulted her with a packet of falsies only an hour earlier.

  “He’s mislaid the phone is all,” she’d kept telling herself, and in fact that was the first thing he confessed when she cradled her mobile against her ear desperate to hear his voice.

  “…so, anyway, it eventually turned out it wasn’t stolen, just hiding inside one of Liam’s shoes.”

  “Did changing the set around help him?”

  “What…? Oh, no, not really. Basically, he’s just not cut out for the big time. He’s a great musician, but he’s stiff as a board on stage, and he’s obviously not enjoying it. Nor is he integrating with the band in the way Luthor has. Whenever we can’t find him, he’s with the roadies.”

  Liam had status among the troops who helped put on Black Halo’s shows. He might not rank as highly as Ulf, or be as recognisable as Cave Troll, but he was a core player, whereas, as a member of Black Halo he was always going to be the afterthought.

  “He was part of their team for a long time. Luthor only schlepped stuff for you for a couple of months.”

  Ash grudgingly agreed. “I think he’s going to insist on going back to his old role once the tour’s through. Get this, Paul’s already bandying the idea that Elspeth might be well enough to re-join us by that point?”

  “No way! You’re not going to, are you?”

  “God, no.” He whistled. “We’d have to be insane. Paul’s out of his mind. I think the lack of constant drama is boring him or something. I can’t think of one good reason why we’d welcome her back at this point. She’s a total nightmare. I kind of like us as an all guy group.”

  “Boy band,” Ginny joked. “Although, supposing Elspeth’s changed…” She shocked herself with her apparent willingness to let bygones be bygones.

  “Is that a
not-so-subtle hint that I ought to consider giving you a second chance too?” Ash asked.

  “I can’t tell you what to do, Ash. I’m not going to deny I’d be thrilled if you did, but I totally get why you might choose not to.”

  She didn’t like how quiet he went. Only the soft sounds of his breathing assured her he hadn’t hung up. It broke her heart anew every time he lapsed into dark thoughts like this.

  “I miss waking up with your arse rubbing against my crotch.”

  The revelation struck like one of Cupid’s arrows. A hard lump took up residence in Ginny’s throat, turning her bittersweet sigh into a groan. She missed that too, and the naughtiness that inevitably followed.

  “On that thought, I think I ought to go.”

  “No, wait.”

  “Gin, there’s no point in torturing ourselves.”

  This whole dance they were doing was purgatory, but Ginny welcomed the pain in place of his absence from her life.

  “Look, I don’t want to have to go on stage wound up.”

  Her mind interpreted that as with a hard-on, not merely emotional. Maybe it was even what he’d meant. “We needn’t talk about that stuff. Just tell me what you’ve been doing.”

  “Touring, sleeping, playing guitar, the usual. You?”

  “This and that.” Following a rock band around Europe, but failing to see them play any gigs for fear of being spotted. “Eating too much ice-cream.”

  “Mm, ice-cream. I might find someone to fetch me some. I could totally go for some chocolate fudge brownie, and that stuff with fishy bits.” He made several more appreciative murmurs. “Done anything else?”

  “Not as such.” Her life was effectively on hold while she waited for the decree absolute, and tried to figure out whether there was any hope of a future with Ash. “Shall I call you next time?” In the background, she could hear the sounds of other people now, which meant they were likely being overheard, and he was going to hang up.

  “No. I’ll do the calling. I need to be in control of this.”