Olivia's Awakening

by Ronica Black

  When the message ended, she tossed her phone into her purse and sped from the parking lot. She tried to control her speed as she drove, but she was too wound up. She was going home to call Olivia, something that had seemed totally impossible only minutes before.

  She couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe that Olivia had called, and she couldn’t believe her own reaction.

  Women just didn’t get to her like this.

  But just like she’d told Karen, Olivia was different.

  She had more of something in her than any other woman Eve had ever known.

  Something that drew Eve in above all else.

  Heart.

  Chapter Eleven

  Olivia reread the first paragraph of the assigned chapter for what felt like the hundredth time. And still, she got nothing. Nada. Zilch. She hadn’t comprehended any of it.

  “Ugh!” She slammed the textbook closed and held her head in her hands. “What is wrong with me?” She knew. She totally knew. It had been over two hours since she’d left Eve a voice mail and she was on pins and needles waiting for a response.

  She pushed away from the table and stood, carefully putting pressure on both feet, still a little wary about her ankle even though she’d recovered rather well.

  She crossed to the living room to relax on the couch.

  The silence of her new home had become a steady comfort. Now she was able to sit for hours and read, do all kinds of crafts and puzzles, or just simply lie back and exist. She decided to do the latter and was just about to lean back to close her eyes when her phone rang, startling her.

  Eve.

  Frantically, she dug in the pocket of her athletic shorts and found her phone. The number was familiar. She’d stared at it for days before getting up the nerve to call.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi, Olivia?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s Eve.”

  “Oh, hi. It’s nice to hear from you. How are—things? I mean, how are you?”

  She smacked her forehead.

  “I’m well, thanks. How about you? How’s the ankle?”

  “It’s, you know, better. Much better than it was before for sure.” She laughed at herself and then closed her eyes in embarrassment.

  “So, it wasn’t anything too serious, then?”

  “No, nothing too bad. Just a sprain.”

  “That’s great. I’m so glad to hear you’re okay. I was…pretty worried.”

  “Sorry I haven’t called, I just—”

  “You don’t have to explain.”

  There was a pause and they both spoke at once.

  “I—”

  “Listen I—”

  Eve laughed. “Is it me or does this feel a little awkward?”

  “It’s not you.” Olivia exhaled, realizing she’d been holding her breath.

  “Thank, God. I thought I was the only one feeling anxious. I usually never have trouble making conversation. People would not exactly describe me as being shy.”

  Olivia laughed. “No, you definitely aren’t that.”

  Olivia spoke again, before she lost the courage to do so.

  “I envy that about you, you know.”

  “Oh?”

  “You’re so confident. So comfortable in your own skin. I wish I was more like that.”

  There was a long silence.

  “Honestly, Olivia, I don’t know why you aren’t. Is it because you don’t feel good about yourself?”

  Olivia scoffed. “Do you really have to ask?”

  She started to laugh but stopped when Eve didn’t join her.

  “You are beautiful, Olivia. I will say it until you believe it. And then I’ll say it some more.”

  Olivia’s cheeks burned with a blush.

  “Are you still there?” Eve asked. “Did I scare you away?”

  “I’m—” Olivia cleared her throat. “I’m here.”

  “I mean it. You are. Right now. Just as you are.”

  Olivia dropped her head into her hand.

  “It’s just so hard for me to accept. I’ve never ever thought of myself that way. And the people in my life, they made sure I never would. So, when I hear you, and I do hear you, Eve, I can’t help but think you’re just trying to be nice.”

  “I don’t say things I don’t mean. Never have, never will.”

  “Never?”

  “What would be the point? I’m not into blowing smoke, and I’m not into pleasing people. I say what I mean. So, when I say something to you, you can rest assured that I really mean it.”

  “Okay, I will take you at your word. But I still don’t like my body.”

  Eve laughed. “Well, I…do. I like your body.”

  Olivia’s heart rate tripled.

  “Olivia.”

  “Yes?”

  “Did I make you uncomfortable?”

  “No. I’m not uncomfortable.”

  “Then, what are you?”

  “I—” Olivia couldn’t process, her brain was not firing like it should be.

  “Yes?”

  “Flustered.”

  Silence.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know—because—”

  “Because…”

  “Because I don’t know what you mean by that.”

  Olivia could hear Eve breathing softly. She answered, her voice lower and softer and so very alluring.

  “I think you do know, and that’s why you’re so flustered.”

  Olivia pulled the phone from her ear and stared at it in disbelief. How was she doing this? How was she able to read her so well?

  She returned the phone to her ear and closed her eyes. She wanted to ask Eve something. She knew without any shadow of a doubt, though, that she wasn’t ready for the answer, regardless of what it may be. But she asked her anyway, unable to resist knowing the answer.

  “When you say you like my body…”

  “Yes?”

  “Are you saying that you are attracted to me?”

  She clenched her fist and her eyes, the anticipation almost too much to bear. She strained to hear Eve breathe, to confirm she was still there.

  “What if I say I am? What would you do?”

  “I don’t know.” She still couldn’t open her eyes.

  “Would it scare you away?”

  Would it? Wasn’t she already scared because of her own attraction and visceral response to Eve?

  Yes.

  So, Eve confessing that she felt the same…

  Oh, God.

  That would surely escalate everything. Double it even. Could she handle that?

  “Olivia.”

  “I’m here.”

  “We don’t have to do this. If it’s too much…I don’t want to pressure you, and yet, here I am, trying to get you to express things you obviously aren’t ready to voice or maybe even accept. I’m sorry. I should probably just let you go.”

  “No!” Her eyes flew open.

  “I think maybe I should.”

  “I want to know,” Olivia said. “I do. Tell me. Please. Before my heart pounds too hard for me to even hear you.”

  “My heart is pounding, too. Because I don’t know what’s going to happen or where this is going to lead. But mostly my heart is pounding because I am, Olivia. I’m attracted to you. I’m drawn in by everything about you. Not only am I drawn in, but I seem to be completely enraptured.”

  “Oh, God,” Olivia let out, suddenly stricken with a new, more potent wave of emotion and desire. It caused her to stand, and she covered her mouth with a trembling hand.

  “I’m sensing that you may be experiencing similar feelings. That’s one reason why I’ve chosen to tell you. The other is because I think you need to know. You need to know that you are truly beautiful and desirable and that someone really…wants you.”

  “Oh, my God,” she said again, on a whisper. She lowered her hand and turned around aimlessly, not sure where to go or what to do. Her body demanded that she move, but where could she go?


  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. No. I’m not sure. I feel—God, I’m just so hot.” She fanned her face as if that would somehow help. She glared at the ceiling fan, which was already spinning on high.

  She tried to focus on calming herself, to see if that would help. But it was impossible. Her mind continued to fly, and an image of Eve came, along with an insatiable curiosity. What did Eve look like when she said those things to her? Was the desire she construed evident in her eyes and on her face?

  I bet it is. I bet it consumes more than her eyes and her face. I bet it consumes her entire being. And I want to see. I want to know what it does to her body.

  And my God, what would it be like to be under the heat of that stare?

  “Can you—” she started. What? Come over? If she opened that door right now and saw that kind of hunger on Eve’s face, she’d faint dead away. “No. I mean—”

  “Olivia, it’s all right.”

  “No, Eve, it’s not.” She laughed, so keyed up she didn’t know what else to do. “It’s really not. It’s so not all right.”

  “Did you—want me to come over?”

  “No!” She slapped her forehead for nearly slipping up and asking her to. “No, that’s not necessary. I’ll—be fine. I’ll figure this out and everything will be fine.”

  “I know what you’re feeling, believe me, I know.”

  “You obviously worked through it.”

  “I did, yes.”

  “You found yourself.”

  “You will, too.”

  “I’m not so sure if I will or not. I don’t know if I’m like you.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “I mean you found out who you are. You found that you’re…I mean, I think you came to realize that you’re…”

  “A lesbian?”

  Olivia didn’t know how it was possible, but the word alone caused her to get hotter. She was beginning to sweat.

  “Are you?” She laughed a little, trying to convince herself that Eve confirming her attraction to women was no big deal. “Are you really, you know…that way?”

  “It’s not a bad word, Olivia. You can say it and not burst into flames I promise. And yes, I am. I’m a lesbian.”

  Oh, my dear sweet Lord.

  “So, you’ve been with women?”

  “Yes.”

  Olivia grew dizzy and she worried she might faint whether Eve was at her door or not. She couldn’t seem to get a grip and rationally manage the information. She was too overrun with wild, untamed thoughts of Eve with various women, engaged in various intimate acts.

  The images caused both extreme jealousy and high arousal.

  “Are you sure you’re okay with all of this, Olivia?”

  “What? Yes, I’m—” She sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything.”

  She fell back on the couch like a sack of bones. She felt like she’d just run up that damn mountain again.

  “I understand.”

  “I wish I could.”

  “You should probably go now and try to relax. I think I’ve put you through more than enough for one evening, and I would understand if this really is all too much and you didn’t want to talk again.”

  “No, that’s not what I want.”

  “Because even though I know who I am and what I want, I’m flustered, too. I got a bit carried away this evening. You seem to have quite an effect on me.”

  Olivia looked up at the ceiling and wiped away a tear. She was torn with raw emotion, overpowering yearning, and way back in the corners of her being, the ingrained beliefs of her church and family.

  “You have an effect on me, too.”

  Unbelievably so.

  “But you’re right. I should go. Not for forever. Just for right now.”

  She listened to the gentle sound of Eve’s breath.

  “Okay. Good-bye, Olivia. Please, take care.”

  “Good-bye.” Olivia ended the call and then fell over onto the couch, curled into a ball, and allowed all that was Eve to run free in her mind.

  Chapter Twelve

  “So, you got a B, it’s not the end of the world,” Jake said, reaching across the table for Olivia’s hand. They were once again sitting under the ramada outside the student union. The day was warm, bordering on hot. Any other day she’d be relaxed, happy to sip her coffee and people watch as Jake went on about his latest date. But worry clouded her mind today.

  Jake squeezed her hand twice. “I know being less than perfect is terribly tragic for someone like you, but you really should trust me on this. I’m living proof that the sun will still come up tomorrow with or without an A.”

  “It’s not all about the grade. I’m dealing with something and it’s distracting me.” She squinted as sunlight made its way through the cloud cover and down through the grated web of the ramada. A cluster of diamond-shaped shadows marked the side of Jake’s face. He didn’t seem to notice.

  “Do you want to talk about it? I don’t just have the gift of gab, you know. I’m a pretty good listener, too.”

  “Actually, you’re the only person I would ever dare talk about this with.”

  “Oh?” A perfectly manicured eyebrow lifted above his shades.

  She took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I haven’t really come up with any answers. I mean I go over and over things and it gets me nowhere. I can’t stop thinking and I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else. I—”

  He held up his hand to stop her. “Olivia, why don’t you just tell me what it is?”

  She exhaled.

  “I don’t know what it is. That’s the problem.”

  “Well, can you tell me what it’s about? It’s nothing serious is it? You’re not sick or anything are you?”

  “No, nothing like that. But it is serious. At least to me it is.”

  “Okaay.”

  “I’m…” she sighed. “I’ve been having these…feelings.”

  He leaned back. “Go on.”

  “About someone I recently met.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “A woman.”

  “A woman.”

  “Yes.” Olivia stared straight at him.

  “You’re having feelings for a woman.”

  “Yes.”

  “You. Olivia. My friend, Olivia. Are having feelings.”

  She nodded.

  He pulled off his shades and studied her long and hard. Then he leaned forward.

  “Oh, my dear God.”

  “Yeah,” she said. “I know.”

  “I know I shouldn’t be, not in this day and age, but I’m shocked. Not just because of the way you were raised, but because of who you are. You’re so—reserved. I just never ever would’ve guessed. Not in a million years.”

  “I still have feelings, Jake. I am human, you know.”

  “Yeah, but you’re just so…vanilla.”

  “Vanilla? Should I be insulted by that?”

  “You know what I’m saying. You’re predictable. You color inside the lines and you don’t seem to ever veer from that. At least not that I know of or not that I’ve seen.”

  “So, I’m boring. Thanks.”

  He scoffed. “A good girl, yes. But boring? No. No way. You just like to play it safe.”

  Was he right? Was that why she was having so much trouble in deciding her next move with Eve?

  “Have you always had feelings like this?”

  She nodded. “Not this intense, but yes, I have.”

  “In that super-religious and rigid household? I can’t even imagine. It’s no wonder why you internalize everything. You’ve probably never been allowed to voice how you really feel. Whether that be about your feelings toward girls or your feelings about what you had for dinner.”

  “Yeah, Hamburger Helper night sucked.”

  Jake cracked up.

  His laugh faded and he folded his arms on the table.

  “So, this woman you speak of. You say you’re having fe
elings, but what exactly does that mean to you? Are you attracted to her?”

  She shifted, feeling the weight of change in the conversation.

  “I think about her. A lot.”

  “That’s not what I asked you.”

  “Okay. Yes, I’m attracted to her.”

  “Do you ever think about being physically intimate with her?”

  Her face burned in what was now becoming a familiar way.

  “Yes.” The admission was huge for her, and she was positive he would react strongly to it, despite the fact that he was gay. He knew her past. He knew what she just said was a big deal. But he didn’t even bat an eye.

  “Does she know?”

  God, bless him.

  “I haven’t come right out and said those exact words, but yes, she’s aware I’m having feelings.”

  “Does she feel the same about you?”

  “Yes,” she breathed, recalling Eve’s poignant declaration. “Unlike me, she seems to have no trouble in saying exactly what she feels.”

  He looked perplexed. “If you both feel the same and you’re both aware of that, then what’s the issue?”

  “The issue,” she said, lowering her voice and leaning forward. “Is that she’s, you know, gay.”

  “Is that what that’s called? When you are attracted to the same sex? To think, all this time and I didn’t know.”

  “Jake. I’m serious. I’m not sure that I am…that way. I don’t think I’m…”

  “Gaay?”

  She looked around, hoping no one could hear their conversation. Jake caught on to her unease.

  “Gay!” he said, causing heads to turn. He pointed at her. “We got gay over here!”

  “Jake!” She covered her face, afraid to even look through her fingers. She wanted to disappear. “I can’t believe you just did that.”

  “I did and oh, my God, Olivia,” he whispered. “It’s worse than you feared. Everyone is looking.”

  “What?” Panic rising, she dropped her hand and looked. No one was even giving them a second glance. In fact, the only person looking at her was Jake. And he had a raised eyebrow once again.

  “Are you done being ridiculous now? Because no one gives a fuck, Olivia. They don’t care who you sleep with or who you love.” He studied his nails. “No, they’re far too concerned with their own love lives to worry about anyone else’s.” He switched hands. “And I know you were brought up to think that being gay, if it was ever acknowledged to begin with, was something that had be kept hush-hush or never spoken of because it was like some kind of disease or perversion. But, the truth is, it’s not. So, seeing as how a good portion of the world is now beginning to accept that truth, don’t you think it’s time you do, too?”