by Ronica Black
He was right. Her desire for Eve didn’t feel wrong. Neither did her small crushes from the past. And she’d never thought anyone else was wrong for their feelings. So, if her desire didn’t feel wrong and she didn’t see it as wrong in anyone else, why was it so hard for her accept it within herself?
“I’ve never had a problem with anyone being gay. It just feels different when it comes to me.”
“So, it’s something you’re okay with as long as it’s not you?”
“That sounds terrible.”
“Is it true?”
“I don’t know. Maybe in a way. I guess I’m worried that maybe these feelings aren’t really real. What if I delve in headfirst with this woman and realize that, wait a minute, I’m not really into her at all? That the whole thing was some kind of strange fantasy created by a lonely, divorced woman who was hard up for some love and romance?”
“You don’t honestly expect me to think that you believe any of that, do you?”
She sighed and held her head as she stared down at the table.
“Granted, it was well thought out and very well said. But it’s ludicrous.”
She didn’t bother to look up.
“You’re just trying to mask what’s really going on here.”
“And what’s that, oh, wise one?”
“You’re afraid. You’re afraid that your feelings are indeed very real. You’re worried they’re so real and so powerful that once you act on them, you’ll lose what very little remaining control you have over your inner self. You’re afraid you’ll lose that control and fall head over heels in lust and, maybe even in love, and you’ll have no choice but to admit you’re gay. You won’t be able to continue to deny it. Yes, my friend, you are just chicken shit. Plain and simple.”
She lifted her head and narrowed her eyes at him. “I thought you were supposed to be like extra sensitive and empathetic and all that.”
“Why, because I’m gay?”
“Yes, because you’re gay.”
“I state the facts, sweetie. I calls them as I sees them. And you, my dear, are so deep in denial that even if I were all sensitive and understanding, it wouldn’t do you a damn bit of good. It would only exacerbate your self-torture.”
She laughed softly, exhausted.
“Even if all you just said is true, I still have no idea what to do. Knowing that I’m scared doesn’t change anything. I’m still scared, and I’m still confused.”
“The only way out is through. Haven’t you ever heard that? You need to go to her, Olivia.”
She shifted even though her position wasn’t what was making her uncomfortable.
“I’ve been wanting to call her.”
“Then do it.”
“If it were that simple, I would’ve already done it.”
“My God. Grow some serious ovaries and do this for yourself. You don’t have to jump her bones or anything. Just spend time with her.”
“I’ve already spent some time with her. That’s what started this whole mess. Spending more time with her will only drive me more insane.”
He grinned and shook his head. “That’s exactly why you should.”
She sighed, feeling defeated. “I can’t believe I thought you might actually help me.”
“Olivia, my precious girl, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. You are the most clueless smart person I’ve ever met.” He stood and slung his backpack over his shoulder.
“Wait,” she said as he backed away. “What does that even mean in this case?”
“Be brave,” he said. “Be bold. You can do it.” He gave her a thumbs-up and continued to grin as he walked away.
“That’s really all you’ve got? Some friend you are!”
She watched him disappear and then grabbed her satchel and headed out herself.
God, he was right. She was worried about what might happen when they got together.
She was chicken shit.
She walked toward her car, relenting to the fact that she was going to have to do something to get this madness to stop.
She thought about spending time with Eve, like he’d said, and this time she gave her imagination free rein. She began to picture some of the things that might happen between them, and she got so caught up in the passionate scenarios she tripped over her feet. After she regained her balance and looked around hoping no one had seen, she shook her head and laughed. She wasn’t even sure what all women did together during sex, but that wasn’t stopping her from fantasizing. And what she could come up with and could imagine got her so hot she ran the last leg to her car.
She climbed inside and started the engine, anxious to get home.
She’d made up her mind.
She was going to spend time with Eve.
She just prayed her poor overworked heart could take it.
Chapter Thirteen
Eve blew past another car and then braked hard and cussed as the traffic light changed. The clock read seven oh two. More anxious than ever, she flipped down the visor and studied herself in the mirror. Her hair still looked good, but she could’ve done a better job with the little makeup she had on. She’d just been so hurried after oversleeping, which was something she was still having trouble accepting. She never forgot to set her alarm. And showing up late to meet a client? That had only happened twice in the years she’d been fitness training. Once due to a damaged tire and the other because of an accident on the freeway. Showing up late just wasn’t her. So, how in the hell could she have spaced and not set her alarm?
It wasn’t like her. But then again neither was forgetting the due dates for two of her credit cards or waiting in line for a half an hour at the bank only to blank out and drive right past the teller when it was her turn.
She let out a laugh, knowing exactly what, or rather who, was causing the unusual mayhem in her life. It was the same person who had also elicited the sadness and crankiness she’d felt before. And she was most likely sitting at the park right now, rechecking her watch, wondering why the hell she’d agreed to meet with Eve.
Seven oh four.
“Fuck.”
Eve breathed a little easier as she pulled into the parking lot. But her gut clenched when she first saw Olivia’s car, and then again when she saw her sitting at a nearby picnic table.
She cussed and scrambled from her Tahoe. She had the urge to give herself another once-over in the window, but she was too concerned about Olivia having to wait. So instead, she took a deep breath, hoped she looked okay in her Adidas track pants and matching tank, and crossed the wet grass to her. She smiled and tried not to react to the way Olivia looked with her thick brown hair and large liquid eyes gleaming in the bright sunlight.
“I’m so sorry I’m late,” Eve said as she slid onto the seat across from her. Olivia smiled in return while resting her cheek in her hand. The usual storminess of her eyes appeared more tranquil today which allowed Eve to see just how deep the gray in them was. They were soulful and tempting, and Eve had to find other things to concentrate on. She moved on to Olivia’s light purpleV-neck. It was snug and short-sleeved, showing a new, slightly bronzed look to her arms and chest. The curve of her ample bosom and the harbored strength she had in her arms and shoulders just waiting to be brought out, left Eve overexerted though she hadn’t moved at all. She just kept imagining how strong Olivia would look if she actually worked those muscles.
“No problem,” Olivia said.
“It is for me. I’m usually very punctual. So, again, I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”
Olivia cocked her head. “You’re flustered. Just like you were at first on the phone. I never thought I’d witness it in person.”
“I’m not really flustered.”
Who was she kidding?
“I just don’t like to be late.”
“I don’t either,” Olivia said after watching Eve closely for another moment. She seemed to be amused and Eve wasn’t sure what to say. She’d never had a woman be so inter
ested in her behavior.
Thankfully, Olivia continued.
“I was actually afraid I was going to be late, too. I changed outfits like five times.”
Eve had changed three times, tearing off clothes like they were on fire while willing the bedside clock to reverse.
“You, too, eh? We are some pair.”
“I think we should talk about that,” Olivia said. “I didn’t say much when I called to ask for this meeting because I thought it best to do it in person. Although, now seeing you, it’s not going to be as easy as I’d hoped.”
She focused on the tabletop and rubbed the back of her neck.
“I—want to do this. I want and need your help in getting fit. But I—need to, for the time being at least, keep my feelings in check.”
“I completely agree.” Eve had been mulling over the same thing after Olivia’s call. While she was thrilled to hear from her again, she soon realized that if she took her on as a client, it would have to be on a professional basis only. Which was good and bad. Good in the sense that she would get to see more of Olivia, but bad in knowing that she couldn’t act on her attraction to her. “I take my work very seriously and I want to give you my absolute best.”
“Good, I’m glad we’re on the same page, because I’m also hoping that this will be a good way to get to know you. To, you know, spend time with you, without all the craziness of emotion.”
“That may not be easy,” Eve said softly. “With that craziness you speak of. If, say, some feelings became noticeable or overwhelming, or if one or both of us actually crossed that line, then we would have to stop our professional relationship.”
Olivia exhaled and straightened. “Okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
Eve stood. She thought about shaking her hand but hesitated, not quite sure that they should touch. They would of course have to in working out together, but at that moment, with what they’d just discussed, Eve thought it best not to.
“Great, let’s get moving, shall we? We can go over the details as we walk.”
Olivia joined her and Eve led them to the path that circled the park. Eve moved at a slower pace than she normally would have in consideration of Olivia’s ankle. Olivia had said it had healed, but she wanted to be sure.
They discussed Eve’s fee and what days Olivia was able to meet her. Olivia sounded eager and excited, and she readily agreed to doing some work on her own time as well. They touched on diet, and Eve was glad to hear that Olivia was doing pretty well on that front. She wasn’t a vegan, like Eve, but the majority of her clients weren’t. Some had chosen to become vegan after hearing her knowledge on the subject, but it wasn’t for everyone and she respected that. Eve would give Olivia the same basic information she gave everyone on the matter, but she wasn’t going to touch on that until later. There was no reason to talk to her about drastically changing her diet in any form right now. She was doing well already and Eve had learned she was studying nutrition, so she obviously had an avid interest in what food did for the body and probably was quite knowledgeable on the subject. So there was no need to press her further about food. Giving up the diet drinks, however, would likely be the hardest thing she had to do. A lot of her clients seemed to have a diet drink addiction of some sort, and Eve often considered them to be like some sort of hard drug, the kind you’d buy on the streets. Her clients were that addicted to them and they fought her on it constantly. Olivia, however, seemed to be okay about it so far, but Eve knew she might eventually think she could have one or two a day. But they’d deal with that when it arose.
The sun grew stronger and breathed upon their skin and the freshly watered grass, causing it to glisten. The day smelled fresh, like citrus blossoms, and Eve took it all in, really enjoying the morning with Olivia by her side, giving her a sneak peek into her life, past and present.
Eve was surprised to learn that, despite her strong build, Olivia had never played sports. They didn’t interest her, and she’d only ever exercised as an adult to try to shed weight. And even when she’d done that, her attempts hadn’t lasted very long. She’d never lifted weights and when Eve inquired about her discomfort threshold, Olivia again surprised her by being completely honest. Most people often fibbed a little about that, or tried to mask it while hoping to somehow persevere once it came time.
“I hate the way pushing myself feels,” Olivia said, shaking her head. “Like more than anything. It’s awful and it hurts and I can’t get my mind past that.”
“What about endorphins? Have you ever felt those?”
“I have. Yes. For a very short while. But they weren’t enough to keep me from feeling like I was dying. Like, you know, when I ran up that mountain.”
Eve laughed softly. “That’s because you actually did almost kill yourself. Anyone with any remote ability to feel would’ve stopped after an attempt like that. I would have.”
“Really?”
“Hell, yes. What you have to do is slowly build up your strength and stamina. Get those endorphins working for you. If you’ll let me, I’ll soon have you actually wanting to work out. Actually, wanting to run.”
“Ha. Right. I’ll do what you say and all, but I’m just not made that way. I cannot ever imagine wanting to torture myself like that.”
“You’ll not only want to but you’ll feel like you need to.”
“What? No way.”
Eve laughed again. “For the time being, let’s forget all that. How do you feel right now, after walking this track a few times?”
“I feel good.”
Eve stopped them and checked her pulse. She was right where she wanted her to be. “You feel good, your heart’s pumping, everything is circulating, and you’re breathing just a little faster than usual.”
“Yes.”
“No pain.”
“Nope.”
“Just awake, alert, and alive. Energized. You know you’ve exercised, you can feel it, but you’re not overwhelmed with pain or exhausted.”
Olivia smiled at her like she’d somehow read her thoughts. “Yes, exactly.”
Eve smiled in return. “What you’re feeling right now, it will only get better from here.”
Olivia looked at her in disbelief. But Eve stopped her before she could speak.
“Yes, there will be discomfort and there will be moments when you really have to dig deep and push yourself. But I will train you so that when you reach those moments, you’ll be able to push through, you’ll want to push through. Not just for me because I told you to, or for those amazing endorphins. You’ll do it for you, Olivia. For yourself. Because what you’ll soon learn is that this journey is not only about your body, it’s about all of you, inside and out.” She placed her hands gently on her shoulders, and then dropped them as Olivia looked into her eyes, the moment suddenly feeling more intense than it should.
This arrangement is not going to be easy.
But she wasn’t about to change her mind. “So, what would you say to starting off with walking like this every day?”
“That’s it, just walking?”
“For cardio, yes. That’s all I want you to do for now. You do realize we just walked well over a mile?”
“No way. I didn’t even—it didn’t feel like exercise.”
“That’s what I want. I want to ease you into your cardio, not only because of your ankle, but so you will feel good and start to enjoy those endorphins. I want you to enjoy all of this. So, what do you say? You ready to give this a shot?”
“Yes. I can’t wait.”
They were smiling at each other, and Eve could once again feel that current of energy between them. Olivia seemed to sense it too because she was the first to glance away. Eve ended the tension by leading them back toward their vehicles.
“I’ll text you a schedule and we’ll get you started on weights. We’ll start off light, like the cardio. I don’t want you to be so sore you can’t move.”
“Thank you, Eve. You really are
a very nice person.”
Eve was touched, but she hid it with humor. “Oh, I don’t know. There will be moments when you’ll think I’m the devil himself.”
“I can’t ever imagine thinking that about you. But even if I do, I’ll get through it, right? And I’ll like you all over again.”
Eve resisted the urge to wrap her arm around her and pull her close. She’d liked walking with her like that on the mountain, even though Olivia had been injured. She knew it was probably selfish of her to feel that way considering Olivia’s condition, but having her so close and feeling the curves of her body, it had been invigorating, and Eve realized just how much she wanted to embrace her again.
Olivia looked over at her.
“I think no matter what happens, now or in the future, I’ll always like you.”
Eve stared off toward the horizon and knew it was useless to try to be less than truthful.
“Me too, Olivia. I think I’ll always like you.”
More than you’ll probably ever know.
Chapter Fourteen
“No, Auntie Liv, you can edit and filter your photos on your phone,” Olivia’s niece, Molly, said in exasperation.
“I realize that, but my phone can only do so much. I want to do more to my photos.”
Molly rolled her eyes at her and took her phone. She was eleven going on fifty, and Olivia swore she’d come out of the womb that way.
“You just need an app,” Molly said, elbows propped on the dark red tablecloth, thumbs attacking the cell phone screen. “I’ll download three awesome ones for you. They’re what I use.”
Olivia smiled and looked at her brother, Aaron, who was busy winding spaghetti around his fork. He was fresh from work as a mechanic, wearing his standard uniform shirt with his name on one side and the dealership on the other. Though he often wore latex gloves and he’d recently scrubbed his hands, his fingernail beds were still stained black. It was from years of working on engines of all kinds. Aaron had been as into working with his hands and fixing things as she had been into reading and learning. They were polar opposites in nearly every way, yet they’d always gotten along. And now, as adults, they remained close, able to understand each other unlike anyone else.
