by Ronica Black
“Of course, you’ve never freaked out before. You want someone. You feel for someone. For the first time in your life. And did I forget to mention that she’s a woman? Sweetie, to be honest, I’m surprised you haven’t freaked the fuck out sooner. About any or all of it. Because it’s overwhelming, especially for someone who’s never experienced this kind of emotion before. And now you tack on your fear of losing her and everything she encompasses and you’re about two seconds away from a complete meltdown.”
“So, what do I do?”
“Well, for starters, you can breathe. In and out. Nice and slow.”
Olivia slowed her breathing, but it only made her dizzy. She still continued to try, though, really preferring not to pass out in a crowded restaurant.
“Okay, what else?”
“You can stop all the assuming.”
“Assuming?”
“Yes. You don’t know for sure what she’s thinking or feeling, or why she’s still training you. If you ask me, and oh yeah, silly me, you did, it sounds like she’s trying really hard to control herself around you. That means she has strong feelings for you, Olivia. She’s probably still helping you because she wants to and because she wants to be with you, too. My guess is, she doesn’t want to give up your time together either, so she’s being very careful not to fuck things up on her end.”
Her heart lifted.
Could that really be it?
She sipped more water and stared at the crowded bar in the distance as she seriously contemplated what he’d said. A woman with blond hair caught her attention and her eyes trailed downward to a tight black dress on a fit and tanned body.
No, it can’t be.
The woman turned and Olivia saw her profile.
It was Eve.
“Oh, my God.”
“What?” Jake followed her gaze and turned to look. “Do you know someone?”
“It’s her,” Olivia said, trying to suck in air.
Eve was sitting near the end of the bar, and for a brief moment, Olivia’s eyes were solely trained on her. She watched as Eve brought a glass to her lips and smiled just before taking a drink. Then she nodded and said something. Olivia didn’t want to. She didn’t. She was terrified at what she would see. But the need to know made her look to the person sitting next to her.
It was a woman. A very attractive woman.
No.
Please, no.
She was smaller in stature than Eve, with short, close-cropped auburn hair. Her dress was red and form-fitting, showing off a petite body. She laughed at something Eve said.
Olivia wanted to look away. Knew she should look away. But she was frozen, unable to even blink. Acid churned in her gut, like it was trying to eat right through her. Her heart was racing, like it was completely out of control, and a fierce heat rushed to her face as anger and hurt and betrayal began to build.
“I think you’re wrong about Eve and her intentions with me,” she said.
“What makes you say that?” He turned again to look at the bar.
Olivia stared at Eve and her companion so hard she thought for sure they would feel it. But they kept chatting, oblivious to the hell coming to life inside her. Eve spoke again, and the woman laughed and this time rested her hand on Eve’s forearm, where it remained. Eve didn’t push it away.
Olivia felt the sting of tears and the tightening of her throat.
“Because she’s into someone else.” If words could take physical form, the ones she’d just spoken would’ve been sharp and jagged and designed to cause serious harm. She knew because they’d literally just torn her apart as they left her body.
“Who, her? The one in the red dress? Olivia, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. They’re probably just friends, meeting for a drink.”
“I would never wear a dress like that to meet with you,” she said. She looked down in disapproval at her black stretch capris and teal Henley top. She didn’t look anything like Eve or the woman in the red dress.
Her growing hell continued as Eve took another sip of her drink and glanced around at her surroundings. Olivia panicked and tried to lean to hide behind Jake. But Eve caught sight of her and she honed in and moved so fast, she had ditched her drink and was already crossing the restaurant toward them before Olivia could even speak.
“Olivia, hi,” Eve said, coming to stand next to them.
Olivia was staring at the table, willing herself to disappear.
“Hi,” she said, glancing at her fleetingly. Eve was smiling at her like she was happy to see her and she looked sincere. She also looked drop-dead gorgeous in the black designer dress and full makeup. She smiled at Jake and stuck out her hand.
“Hi, I’m Eve,” she said, shaking his hand.
“I’m Jake,” he said, giving Olivia a look that told her she was being rude. “A friend.”
Eve looked back to Olivia. “It’s a nice surprise to see you here,” she said.
“Yes, it’s been a surprise for me, too.”
Jake looked up at Eve and gestured with his thumb toward the bar. “Are you here with a friend, as well? Would you two like to join us?”
Olivia felt her eyes widen and she clamped her jaw, wanting to ask him through her clenched teeth what the hell he was doing. Jake noticed but he didn’t seem to care.
“Actually,” Eve said. “I haven’t known her for very long. It probably wouldn’t be a good idea.”
“Oh,” Jake said. “More like a date-type thing.” He glanced at Olivia, and his concern for her was obvious.
Olivia looked down at the table again, unable to even glimpse at Eve as she answered.
“Uh, I’m not really sure what you would call it,” Eve said. Her nervousness was palpable and very unusual for her, which, to Olivia, made the fact that she was on a date all the more evident.
Someone kill me. Please, just put me out of my misery.
Eve was doing her very best to downplay the whole thing. But Olivia wasn’t sure if that was because she was trying not to hurt her or because she felt guilty. At the moment, it seemed like it was the latter.
“Well, I don’t want to take up anymore of your time,” Eve said. Olivia could feel her focusing on her, waiting for her to engage, but Olivia didn’t dare.
Instead, she stood and slung her purse over her shoulder.
Jake stood along with her. He appeared stricken. She almost laughed, because that had been her mere seconds ago, when she’d first realized Eve was with a woman and then again when Eve bumbled over herself, trying to deny that she was on a date.
Well, she was no longer stricken. Not anymore.
“Don’t worry about taking up our time,” Olivia said. She glanced at Jake. “I’m going home. I’m not hungry.” Then she looked back to Eve but didn’t bother with her well-practiced “I’m fine” smile. “Eve, it was nice to see you. I hope you enjoy your evening.”
She turned away just as a crestfallen look came over Eve, leading her to wonder once again if the motive for her trying to hide her date from her was concern or guilt. She didn’t stick around to find out.
She hurried from the restaurant and nearly ran through the parking lot to her car. She fumbled with the door, climbed inside, and burst into tears as she started her engine. The new inner resolve she was growing accustomed to was totally disintegrating now. She was, as Jake would put it, in full-on meltdown mode. Her Prius jerked into reverse and she peeled away leaving Eve and the mystery woman behind.
Her eviscerated heart, however, which she wished she could’ve left behind along with Eve and her date, remained inside her, beating unbearable pain into her veins.
Chapter Twenty-one
Eve walked up the cemented path toward the front door. She double-checked the address on her phone and stopped to compose herself. She didn’t know what she was going to say or what she was going to do to make things right, but she knew she had to do something. The way Olivia’s face had gone from panic to pain to a hardened apathy had devastated her. She�
�d started to go after her, but Olivia’s friend, Jake, had stopped her. They’d spoken and when she answered his questions, he’d buried his head in his hands and told her she needed to go to Olivia. He didn’t say why, and he didn’t offer any insight. He’d only given her Olivia’s address.
Eve had left almost immediately, after she’d told Sharon, the woman Karen had set her up with, good-bye. She didn’t take the time to explain nor did she feel a need to do so. She’d just wanted to get to Olivia.
She rang the doorbell and waited. No answer. She backed up to look in the front window, but the blinds were closed. She rang the doorbell two more times, waited again, and then, finally, knocked.
“Come on, come on.” She thumbed her phone to life again to call her. The only reason she hadn’t was because she knew Olivia probably wouldn’t answer. And she didn’t want to leave a voice mail or a text. Whatever she was about to say, it needed to be done in person.
A lock disengaged and Eve dropped her phone in her purse. The door opened, but only slightly.
“Olivia—”
“I’m sorry,” she said, cutting her off, completely confusing Eve.
Her voice was weak and strained, like she’d been crying, long and hard. It shattered Eve to think of her in so much pain.
“I had no right to behave the way I did.” She wiped away a tear. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone now.” She started to close the door.
“Olivia, wait, please.” Eve pressed her hand against the door, worried she would try to close it again. “We need to talk.” When she didn’t say anything, Eve continued. “It’s crucial that we talk. And we need to do it now.”
“I don’t want to. I—can’t.”
“Then let me talk. All you have to do is to listen.”
“You have every right to date and do whatever you want. But I will never be able to see or hear about it. So, please, if you care about me at all, just go.” She tried to close the door, but Eve wouldn’t let her.
“Can’t you see that’s why I’m here? Because I do care?”
Olivia looked away from her and Eve knew she didn’t believe her.
Though she was fraught, Eve remained determined, and tried again.
“Just let me say what I have to say, and then I’ll leave. I promise.”
Olivia was quiet, obviously contemplating. Eve kept her hand against the door, terrified to let it close.
What Eve was experiencing was beyond desperation and she didn’t know where it was coming from and had no idea how to handle a panic like this. All she knew for certain was that she was willing to go to hell and back for this woman. To lose her now would be detrimental and she wasn’t about to let that happen.
Eve wasn’t sure if Olivia sensed her boundless distress, or saw it in her face or eyes, but for whatever reason, she eased the door open. The interior of her home shed light upon her, revealing an anguish Eve couldn’t fully see before. Tears of mascara trailed down her cheeks, and she was hugging herself as if she were cold. And as Eve stepped inside at the silent invitation, she could see that she was trembling.
“Oh, God, Olivia.” She reached for her to pull her close, to pull her tight, but Olivia recoiled like Eve was a striking rattler. “Okay, I won’t,” Eve said, quickly dropping her hand.
Olivia closed the door and they stood there, just inside the entryway of a modest living room where a small lamp glowed from an end table next to a blue couch. Sitting in front of that was a coffee table with neatly stacked books and magazines. There was a television, but it wasn’t large, and it didn’t appear to be a newer model. It was nestled in an unassuming entertainment center along with a dozen or so DVDs. A large clock finished off the room, hanging on the wall near what Eve thought might be a dining area. She could hear the faint ticking of the second hand from where they stood.
“I like your place,” Eve said, feeling comfortable there, despite the limited decoration. “It feels warm. Welcoming.”
Olivia closed her eyes as if she were gathering strength. “Thank you.”
“May I put down my purse?”
“Sure.”
Eve set her purse on the coffee table and then smoothed down her dress, trying to calm her nerves. She was going to try to explain and plead and hope that Olivia would believe her. But with the way she currently felt, so panicked and desperate and willing to do anything in the world to keep Olivia in her life, she knew she was going to have to say things that crossed their agreed upon boundary.
“Olivia.” This was it. What she feared was her only chance. Olivia appeared fragile and Eve knew speaking to her was going to be a delicate act. “Will you please look at me?”
Slowly, Olivia lifted her gaze. She looked so lost and so broken, it took all the strength Eve had to just continue talking.
“I’m not interested in the woman you saw me with tonight.”
Olivia startled her with an immediate response.
“But I saw you tonight, you looked—” She stopped and massaged her forehead like she was struggling to find the right words. “And the way you’ve been behaving around me during our last couple of sessions, I guess I should’ve had a clue. I shouldn’t have been so shocked to see you with someone.”
She tried to glance away, but Eve got in her line of vision, making sure she didn’t.
“I’ve been acting that way because I’m scared. And that doesn’t happen to me very often. And when it has, it was never because of anything like this. What you said to me at the park and in your car, left me tossing and turning, night after night, aching for you, without any way to quell it. But I had to keep seeing you, so, I had to do something to continue to remain professional. I did the only thing I could think of. I tried to distance myself from you. Hoping that it would help us both. But in doing so, I came off like an insensitive ass. I just didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry, Olivia. I never ever meant to hurt you.”
Olivia hugged herself tighter.
“Then why did you go on a date, if you have all these feelings for me? Was that another attempt at distancing yourself from me? I don’t understand.”
“I was with that woman tonight because my friend Karen wanted to set me up with her. I never had any interest, and initially, I refused. But Karen insisted, said she’d already planned it, and she called in a favor I owed her.”
Olivia’s brow furrowed, and Eve saw the hurt she’d seen at the restaurant building in her once again.
“So, you what? Got all dressed up to go on a date you didn’t really want to go on?”
“I got all dressed up because Karen was supposed to go too. The plan was to have quick drinks with this woman and Karen, then tell the woman good-bye and go out for a nice dinner with Karen, just the two of us. But Karen, being the pain in the ass that she is, didn’t show. She hung me out to dry. What’s worse was she’d already sent the woman a photo of me, so I was recognized before I even realized Karen wasn’t coming.”
“But you were having a good time, I could tell. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You deserve to be happy. You—”
“Olivia, I only stayed as long as I did because I soon learned that I knew her sister. She was a client of mine a couple of years ago. So, I decided to have a drink while she updated me on her sister. Then, I was going to politely say good-bye and drive over to Karen’s house to kick her ass. I was not in any way interested in her. Okay?”
“Maybe you should be,” Olivia said. She grabbed a tissue from a box on the end table and wiped away the black tear tracks on her face. “I have no right to get upset with you, and that’s what makes it hurt even more. You’re so beautiful and wonderful and full of life and love, but you are in no way mine. I wish you were, yes, I do. It’s so clearly obvious to me now. But I’ve been so inconsiderate to you by blurting out my desire and feelings only to then keep you at arm’s length. And even now, after telling you I want you to be mine, I can’t promise you anything because I have no idea what any of this means and I have no idea what to
do about it. You just, you deserve so much better, and I’m so sorry I’m such a big mess and—”
“Olivia, stop.” Eve couldn’t take anymore.
“But I—”
“Stop.” Eve crossed to her, and before she could say another word, she gently cupped her jaw and kissed her.
Chapter Twenty-two
Olivia’s lips were soft, salty from tears, and impossibly hot. They were, by far, the best lips Eve had ever tasted, and once she started, she couldn’t stop, enveloping them again and again, until she felt the surprise and stiffness fall from Olivia’s body. She went limp so suddenly, Eve had to embrace her quickly and back her to the door for support.
Eve held her tight and stared into her, wanting to make sure she was okay.
“Why did you stop?” Olivia asked. Her eyes were wild and searching.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. You can’t even stand, and—”
“I don’t want you to stop.”
Eve felt Olivia grip her waist. She pulled on her, inching her closer. Eve felt the warmth of her breath, and she swore she could still feel the soft plump of her lips against hers.
“Did you hear me?” Olivia breathed.
“Yes.”
Their mouths connected again, and Olivia came to life, first with a noise of helplessness and then with the aggressiveness of her own kisses. Lips encased lips, fervent and fluid, as if they were melding together with every touch. Eve groaned in surprise when Olivia slid her fingers into her hair at the base of her head. And when she fisted those fingers and slightly tugged, pulling her away, wrenching her mouth from hers, Eve became so aroused she thought she might come where she stood.
“I don’t ever want you to fucking stop,” Olivia said. “Please, don’t you ever fucking stop again.”
She forced Eve’s mouth back onto hers and kissed her hard and deep, exploring and conquering with a slick, eager tongue. Olivia’s hunger felt so good Eve moaned in sheer pleasure and answered with her own tongue. Their kiss became a dance, and they seemed to be made to perform it together.
