Olivia's Awakening

by Ronica Black

  Eve turned her head, trying not to picture Olivia and the way she’d looked sitting in the same spot.

  “You shouldn’t sit right now,” Eve said. “You know better.”

  “Yeah, well, fuck the rules. I’m dying.”

  “I told you, you didn’t have to keep up,” Eve said.

  “What am I supposed to do, Eve? Just sit back and watch as my best friend kills herself on a fucking mountain?”

  Eve gave her a look.

  “I’m not killing myself. I’m just going hard.” She walked around with her hands on her hips.

  “I know exactly what you’re doing. You’re trying to cope with your pain through exercise.”

  “So?”

  “So, you’re doing too much, going too hard.”

  Eve laughed. She was so damned dramatic. So what if she wanted to lengthen or intensify her workouts? And who cares why she was doing it? It’s not like she was doing drugs.

  “And don’t tell me there’s no such thing as too much exercise. You’re full of shit.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re obsessed. And fucking whacked out crazy. For Christ’s sake look at yourself.”

  Eve looked down at her bright yellow sports bra and black runners shorts. “What?”

  “You have an eight-pack, Eve.”

  Eve ran her fingers over her etched muscles. “So?”

  “You’ve never had an eight-pack, no matter how hard you’ve worked before.”

  “So, why can’t you just be happy for me then?”

  Karen stood and threw her water bottle at her. It stung her arm and fell to the ground.

  “Ow! What the hell?”

  Karen stalked up to her with daggers in her eyes. “You want me to be happy for you? For what? For a stupid eight-pack? Did I mention that I can also see your ribs? Yeah, very sexy, Eve. I’m so impressed. You are at the very peak of performance. Congratulations.”

  “Karen, come on, calm down.”

  “You’re starving yourself while pushing your body beyond the brink. I’m surprised you haven’t passed out yet. But give it time. Give it time.”

  “I’m not starving. I just…I’m not as hungry anymore.” Her appetite had decreased quite a bit since the last time she’d seen Olivia, but she was still eating enough, wasn’t she? She thought back over the last few days, trying to remember what she’d had. She’d eaten her meals and snacks and finished most of them completely. But had she increased her food intake for her added exercise? Had she compensated? It was like she had no self-awareness anymore.

  “I don’t want to hear anymore bullshit. I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of it I’m about ready to tell you to fuck off once and for all.”

  To Eve’s horror, emotion began to tighten her throat, just as it had the last time she’d seen Olivia. She was so shocked at feeling anything at all, she almost fell backward as Karen poked her in the chest with her finger. Her eyes, just like her words, seemed to be full of venom.

  “I mean it, Eve. You won’t listen to anything I have to say. You just placate me or flat-out ignore me. You’re so hurt and so depressed, and so damned determined to punish yourself, I’m afraid you’ll soon be too far gone for me to reach.”

  She pushed harder with her finger.

  “I can’t watch you do this. I can’t watch you disappear into yourself. I refuse to watch my best friend kill herself, no matter how she’s going about it or how slowly she may be doing it. I can’t, Eve. So, you need to do one of two things, here. You either need to pay real close attention and really listen to what I have to say, or you need to tell me good-bye.”

  She lowered her finger and looked away as tears filled her eyes. Eve tried to hold herself together.

  She grabbed her head, totally overwhelmed, realizing what was going on.

  Someone else was banging on that fucking protective door of hers, forcing her to feel, to hurt, to panic.

  Only this time it was Karen. Her best friend. And she was so serious it was scary.

  “Not you, Karen. Not you, too,” Eve said, dropping her hands.

  Karen had turned to face the rising sun. Her arms were crossed and she kicked absently at the ground. “Does that mean you’re willing to talk? And more importantly, listen?”

  Talking with Karen was the absolute last thing she wanted to do. No, all she wanted was to push her body, to feel that sweet burn, to feel those beautiful endorphins while all the rest just faded away. Why couldn’t Karen let her do that?

  “Well?” Karen was waiting for an answer.

  Eve closed her eyes, truly terrified. She couldn’t lose Karen, too. She’d truly be lost at sea without the ever-glowing lighthouse of her friendship. And even though Eve didn’t want to feel those painful emotions or face anything that might bring them up, she honestly didn’t want to die or disappear. Without Karen, she knew she might very well become so consumed with sadness, she might just fall into the looming darkness and be lost forever.

  “Okay,” she finally said.

  Karen turned and dropped her arms to her side, but she didn’t look any different.

  “All right, we’ll talk on the way down. But I swear to God, Eve if you take off and run from me because you don’t like what you hear, then that’s it. I will not try to talk to you again.”

  “You want to do it now? Like now, now?”

  Oh, God.

  I need time. Time to prepare. To ease myself into this.

  “Yes, Eve. It’s now or never.”

  Eve hesitated.

  “Fuck this, I’m gone,” Karen said and started to walk away.

  “Wait,” Eve said, pushing all thought from her mind. She was going to force herself to listen before she could put any more thought into it. It was the only way.

  “Go ahead,” Eve said. “I’m here.”

  Karen was quiet for a moment. She spoke, her voice softer. “I’m only going to do this once. So, please, just listen without saying anything. Without any interruptions and then you can say whatever it is you want. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  They reached the trail and slowly began the descent back down.

  “The first thing I want to tell you is how I much love you. You’re not only my best friend, you’re like a daughter to me. I’d go to the ends of the earth for you. And I don’t feel that way about many people. But you’re different. You’re a really, really great friend and you’re so kind to people and patient and you’re always willing to help someone, whomever they may be. You give a lot of love, Eve. Everyone in your life feels it. Sometimes I look at you as you interact with someone and I think, my God, she’s pure love.”

  Eve held her chest, moved.

  “But, my darling, you are a hard person to love in return.”

  Eve stopped, stricken.

  Karen tugged on her. “Let me continue.”

  They started to walk again.

  “What I mean is, you refuse to accept any love given to you. You do. You’re kind and caring and gracious, but when someone tries to love you, you shut down. Think about how long it took you to even allow me to pay for your meal? I’m still only allowed to do so much for you and I’m the person closest to you.”

  She stared down at the trail.

  “Which leads me to your love life. I’ve watched you do your thing for years now and, Eve, I’ve never been fond of the way you go about things. I don’t like your refusal to let anyone get close. I know that you know that because I’ve told you. It’s caused more than one argument between us, and for the most part I haven’t said anything about you settling down anymore because you’ve insisted that the way you do things is your choice. But now, with what’s going on, I can no longer keep my mouth shut, my dear friend. I’m going to give you my two cents on everything.”

  She glanced over at her.

  “Because this insane little way of life of yours is destroying you.”

  Eve’s breath hitched as she listened. Karen wrapped her arm in hers.

 
; “I admit that I didn’t initially like this whole Olivia thing. I thought she sounded like trouble because she was so different from you and because I was sure she would continue to toy with your emotions and eventually hurt you. I didn’t think she would do it intentionally. I thought she’d do it because she was so confused and repressed. So, I didn’t encourage your seeing her.”

  She sighed.

  “But as I’ve watched this relationship with her develop, I’ve seen something in you I’ve never seen before. And from what you’ve been telling me about her, she sounds like someone I would be very fond of. And she hasn’t behaved like I expected. She didn’t use you as an experiment. She fell for you. She loves you. And, Eve, let me tell you, I’m over the moon about that. To know that someone sees you the way I do, someone you actually like in return, it just makes me so happy.”

  She gave her a gentle squeeze.

  “Now, I don’t know everything about this relationship, so, I can only tell you what I see and what assumptions I’ve made based on knowing you like I do. And even though you haven’t told me what led to things ending with Olivia, which, I might add, is unlike you, I think I have a pretty good idea.”

  She lowered her hand to grip Eve’s.

  “I think she got too close. I’m not sure how she did it, considering your adamant determination to keep your affairs casual, but she did. She snuck in under the wire. My guess is that you were, like I tried to tell you, completely smitten with her. And that was so unexpected and felt so incredibly good, you ignored your long-held boundaries. You didn’t pay attention and in she came, sliding right under that wire, climbing right over that wall. And when she got through and pushed a little more, tried to get a little closer, well, your internal alarms finally went off and you realized, ‘Oh shit, how did she get in here?’ So, you did just what I’d expect you to do. You kicked her out and you closed down. And if this had been any other woman under any other circumstance, that would be the end of the story.”

  They slowed as they trekked over a rocky patch in the trail.

  “But this isn’t like any other circumstance, is it? No. Which is why you’ve totally lost your shit. You’re sad and depressed and hurt and confused. But more than that, Eve, you’re scared. And you’re so upset with yourself for allowing yourself to get to this point, you’re not only punishing your body to help yourself cope, you’re punishing yourself for letting her slip in. And you’re punishing yourself for pushing her away. Because you know you’ve hurt her. And that, my friend, that is eating you alive. That is literally killing you.”

  Karen stopped and placed her hands on her shoulders.

  “Because this is not just any other woman. This one is special.” She reached up and held her face and Eve trembled, the surfacing emotion in her becoming more and more difficult to contain.

  “You’re in love with her.”

  Eve grabbed her wrists and tried to pull them from her face, but Karen held tight.

  “You love her, Eve.”

  Eve again tried to pull away.

  “I’m not letting you go until you face that. So you can struggle all you want.” When Eve finally stopped, Karen pulled her closer.

  “That’s why her hurting is damned near killing you. That’s why your own pain is fiercer than it’s ever been. You love this woman. You love her like you’ve never ever loved anyone else.”

  She pulled Eve down so their foreheads were touching.

  “And that’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay. It’s okay to love her.”

  Eve fought the oncoming emotion with all her might, tightening every muscle and fisting her hands, but she could no longer do it. Karen was reaching inside and jump-starting her heart, and the damn broke and Eve broke down and sobbed. Karen enveloped her, and Eve fell into her as if she needed her strength to remain standing at all.

  “I know, hon. I know. You cry all you want. I’m right here.”

  They stood there for what felt like an eternity as the sun rose and shined just as bright and hot as ever, as if the day wasn’t any different from any other.

  But to Eve it was.

  To Eve, this day was very different.

  Today was the day the breath of life reentered her body and soul.

  And she knew nothing would ever be the same again.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  Olivia was breathing hard, and her face was coated in sweat. She had that excited thrumming coursing through her, and considering her recent lifestyle change, being in such a state was expected and not at all unusual. But this time, her condition wasn’t the result of a workout.

  “You ready?” Aaron asked.

  She tried to control her heart rate, but it was damn near skipping over itself. Aaron’s voice was muffled, and she could hear her own breathing inside the racing helmet. She wanted to wipe her brow but couldn’t with the thick gloves on her hands and the goggles on her face.

  The motorcycle vibrated beneath her, and she was squeezing the brake so hard her hand tingled. She looked at Aaron who had his hand on her shoulder. He had on Wayfarer sunglasses and a Monster baseball cap. His motocross racing jersey whipped against him in the breeze.

  “Olivia?”

  “I’m nervous.” She winced as she said it, wanting to be composed. However, she was refusing to let it stop her.

  He smiled and squeezed her shoulder. “I would be worried if you weren’t.”

  She glanced ahead at the surrounding desert full of green brush, cacti, and sparse trees. A well-worn trail awaited her, this one a basic large oval without any hills or jumps. Aaron had tried to reassure her that she’d be fine, but she was still anxious, feeling the harnessed power shaking between her legs.

  “You don’t have to do this,” Aaron said, and not for the first time.

  “No, I want to.” She had to do this. She wanted to feel that rush of adrenaline just like Eve did when she pushed the envelope. Taking risks that Olivia wouldn’t have dared dream. Eve had told her all about her daredevil stunts one night after sex, filling her in on skydiving and bungee jumping and riding dirt bikes as a kid. All of it had Olivia so aroused and excited, she’d began touching her as she talked about it. Soon they’d both gotten so turned on, the tales were lost in the darkness as they’d made love once again.

  Now Olivia was on a dirt bike herself, hoping it would make her feel close to Eve in some way and foolish and desperate enough to try. She’d thought about calling her or seeing her, but that would be pointless given the way they’d left things. They’d just end up in bed, and while that was certainly not anything to complain about, it wasn’t getting them anywhere. She had tried for more and Eve turned her down. But now, after having thought things over, she wondered what would’ve happened had Eve been willing to get more serious. She knew now that she wouldn’t have been totally comfortable and that her own fears, which sadly she still had, would have once again stood in her way.

  Pushing Eve even though she wasn’t ready herself and expecting her to ignore her own trepidations and just jump right in with her, had been wrong. But coming to that realization did little to help the situation between them. She knew she owed her an apology, and she hoped some day to be able to give it to her in person. She also hoped to offer her more than an apology should that day ever come. She hoped she would be able to really, truly, seriously be able to offer her whole heart, having worked through all her issues and fears.

  If Eve rejected her then, then she would let her go. But for now, even though they had no contact, she kept her close inside, held onto her tight, and prayed for the strength and insight it would take to change.

  She squeezed harder on the brake. What would Eve think of her doing this?

  She’d fucking love it.

  Olivia gave Aaron a nod.

  “Watch that throttle, now,” he said. “I don’t want you flying off the back of the bike or going headlong into a saguaro.”

  She nodded again, having listened thoroughly to his warning about a “whisky throttle”
earlier. Slowly, she released the brake and gave some throttle, kicking the bike forward. The sudden jolt shocked her, and she immediately understood what he’d been trying to say. She braked and tried again, this time more prepared. The bike lurched, but she eased off the gas quickly and managed to balance for a few yards before the bike wavered. She stopped, feet on the ground, grateful for Molly’s boots and that she already had such big feet. Aaron was right there next to her in no time.

  “You’re doing great. Just keep at it and you’ll get the hang of it.”

  She gave him a thumbs-up and went again, doing nearly the same thing, only riding a little farther. She tried over and over, making good way along the trail. Soon, she was so focused, the world around her faded and she could only think of one thing. Impressing Eve.

  She pretended she was there watching her.

  If I go harder and faster, will it turn her on, just like hearing about her escapades did me?

  She tensed her muscles and increased her speed as she realized and accepted what was plainly obvious. She still wanted Eve to want her.

  It was crazy. But then again, this whole stunt was a bit crazy. But the dream of being close to Eve and Eve wanting her was all she had now, and ridiculous or not, it was helping her get through, one day at a time. And there was nothing wrong with that, no matter what Jake said or how often he said it.

  He was a great friend and he was there for her, there was no denying that. But he had been telling her to let Eve go, that she had to, for her own benefit. That she’d done all she could by telling Eve that she loved her. But Olivia disagreed. She just couldn’t let her go. Not yet. She wasn’t ready and she couldn’t help but think that maybe there was a reason why she couldn’t. Like maybe there was some sort of fate waiting to play out. It was the kind of thing she read about in books and she knew most people didn’t believe in such things. But she was a firm believer in the kind of love and romance she read in books and saw in movies. Especially in having experienced it herself. And according to the romance writers of the world who literally bled all over the page as they poured out their hearts, that kind of love doesn’t die.