The memory of drowning brought Emma back up to the surface in the hospital bed as consciousness hit her with a hard gasp. She jerked up from the tubes and wires connected to her body, adrenaline coursing through her veins.
“Whoa there, sweetheart. You’re okay. Don’t move around too much, it’s bound to hurt a little bit, okay?” A nurse who was still a little fuzzy around the edges patted her hand as Emma blinked and leaned back against the pillows. “There you go, that’s it. Take a load off. Everything went well and all you need to do now is rest. The doctor will be in to see you soon.”
Emma nodded, still fighting with the nausea clawing up into her throat as she settled back into the hospital bed and tried to piece together her thoughts. Everything was still very foggy. As if emerging from a dream, except she had no memory of it.
She licked her dry lips and wrinkled her nose at the overly clean scent in the recovery room, combined with the slight sensory overload of the beeping machines next to her bed. Honestly, she couldn’t wait to get out of there.
A soft knock at the door startled her, and she looked up to see Sean coming through the door.
“Hi, Emma.”
He nodded at the nurse by Emma’s bed, who nodded and made herself scarce.
“I heard everything went well?” Emma said, closing her eyes. She hadn’t moved in hours, but she was exhausted.
“Even better than expected. You were perfect.” Sean moved closer to her bedside and poured her a glass of water from the plastic pitcher on the side table. “Tilt forward the smallest bit for me.”
“Happy to be of service.” Emma smiled, highly doubting that water service normally came with the usual doctor–patient package. Regardless, she drank from the plastic cup, greedily welcoming the lukewarm tap water. “Thank you.”
It wasn’t until she had slaked her thirst that she noticed his hand was supporting her lower back to help her keep steady. After he put down the cup, he kept it there, bending down so they were eye to eye.
“Everything feeling okay for you? You might have some residual pain, but it shouldn’t be unmanageable.”
His touch sparked up her backbone, even through the post-surgery haze, and a pleasurable shiver worked its way through her body. She nodded, not quite trusting herself to speak.
“So long as you’re feeling okay, you should be able to go home tonight. As we discussed last week, you’ll want to rest up at home for a few days before you go back to work. Nothing too strenuous, okay?”
Emma continued nodding, still unsure what to say that wouldn’t come out in a slur of nothingness that didn’t make any sense. She hoped her small, wobbly smile of gratitude was readable as Sean gently removed his hand and hesitated, his hand hovering in front of her face. As if he thought about stroking it, before he quickly pulled back and cleared his throat.
“I know you don’t remember much because you were out the whole time, but you were a real trooper in there, Emma. Now it’s just a waiting game. But I need you to be focused and stay strong for me. I know you’re likely to be anxious, but try your best to mitigate those feelings and find a healthy outlet for them. Is that all right?”
“Yes, of course. Thank you so much, Sean. For everything.”
“Truly, it was my pleasure, Emma.”
He smiled, a twinkle in his eyes as he looked down at her, and she suddenly wished she at least was wearing some makeup or something. Instead, as he caressed her name with his voice, she was helpless in a hospital bed. She couldn’t fathom the brightness in his eyes. A chemistry that still burned strong between them both—even with the hospital equipment incessantly beeping away.
“Press the call button if you need anything and someone will come right away. I’ll see you in two weeks for your follow-up, but until then if anything doesn’t feel it should be, just call me and I’ll come regardless of the hour, day or night, you got it?”
“Thank you. I feel like this whole thing has been a dream…”
“It does have that feeling, doesn’t it?”
Chapter 14
Emma
Two days later, still not quite feeling herself but not wanting to go stir-crazy sitting around in her apartment, Emma dialed into work to play catch-up with her secretary. As much as Sean had been clear that she had to take it easy and not put herself through much stress, between obsessing about the baby possibly growing in her womb and obsessing over her odd pseudo-relationship with her baby’s doctor, work was the only thing capable of making her feel like herself right now.
“I’ve gone through your calendar and tried to front-load it with easy work, nothing too strenuous, mostly paperwork, and a few in-and-out court cases. It’ll be a piece of cake, but it’ll keep you busy,” Becky babbled over speakerphone. “Did you get my emails from the meetings you missed?”
“Yes, I got them, printed them out with your color-coded notes. Thank you so much, Becky, you know I couldn’t do it without you.” Emma reminded herself to pick up a fruit basket for the young woman when she went back into the office. “The McCleary case, I’m not seeing it here. Did we double down on him?”
“Subpoenaed three days ago, and nothing has been heard from him since. Do you want me to make a call to the sheriff?”
“I think it’s time we went to a higher power.”
“You got it.”
There was a second’s pause as Becky made notes on the other end of the line.
“I’ll be faxing over all the leftover paperwork just as soon as we’re off the call. It’ll be enough for the rest of the day and give you enough time to put your feet up for the night.”
“I know, I’m supposed to be relaxing,” Emma rolled her eyes. Everywhere she turned people kept reminding her of that fact. “Thank you for all your hard work today, Becky.”
“It’s my pleasure, ma’am.”
Emma hung up, got up from her couch, and stretched, idly rubbing her stomach as she yawned. It had only been two days since she left the clinic’s recovery ward, but it seemed like a lifetime. She nibbled on her fingernail as she heard her fax machine gear up in her home office. Perfect timing, she barely had time to register that anything else had changed—
Beep. Beep.
The buzzer from downstairs signaling someone was at her front door and waiting to get inside went off again. Quicker, more insistent. Who on earth was here to see her in the middle of the day?
Emma padded into the front room in her slippers and pressed the intercom button with her thumb.
“Hello, who’s there?”
“Emma, it’s Kenzie. Could you let me up?”
“Sure. Absolutely.” Emma’s brow furrowed as she tried to remember if she’d scheduled anything with her best friend, but nothing came to mind. “Letting you in now.”
She pressed another button to disengage the lock and she heard the loud beep downstairs notifying Makenzie that she could come up. There was another knock on the door and Emma opened it to see her best friend standing with a bouquet of flowers and balloon.
“I know I’m a little late, but I really wanted to celebrate you trying again. Is that okay?”
“Oh my God. Kenzie, you didn’t have to do this. Really.” Emma laughed and let her best friend into her apartment, shutting the door before she went in for a big hug.
Makenzie grinned, squeezing her back. “Allison wanted to be here too, but with the new baby…”
She trailed off and Emma smiled, taking her coat as the other women put the gorgeous bouquet on the table.
“I completely understand. It’s so sweet and thoughtful of you to do this, especially when you live so far away.”
“Eh, if you catch a cab, it’s not too bad.” Makenzie threw herself on the couch among the debris of Emma’s work life. “I didn’t stop you from a working jag, did I?”
“Nope, I was just about to start one. You’re right on time.”
“Perfect, because what I have to talk about isn’t conducive to work at all.”
Intrigued, Emm
a rooted around her fridge for some sparkling cider.
“You want any?” She held up the bottle so Kenzie could inspect it. “It’s a rare vintage.”
Makenzie laughed and got comfy on the couch. “What I want are the details of you and Mr. McHottie Pants Doctor. I looked him up after Allison handed off the card and saw an oh-so familiar face.”
Emma blushed as she poured them each a glass of cider. “I’m guessing you mean Sean?”
“Oh, so it’s ‘Sean’ now? Not ‘doctor’? Interesting development.”
Emma handed over her friend’s glass and rolled her eyes, taking a seat on the other side of her couch after moving some files to the floor.
“It’s really not that big of a deal. We’re all adults here. Nothing scandalous happened and it was purely professional, so stop looking at me like a wide-eyed teenager desperate for gossip.”
“Not in this century. There’s no way the man has seen you naked twice and isn’t completely enthralled with you—”
“Kenzie! It was during a medical procedure and I was unconscious. I don’t think it was anything too titillating for the good doctor.”
“You mean Sean?” Makenzie teased, taking a long sip of her sparkling cider. “Uck, carbonated sugar water.”
“And you were expecting what, exactly? Martinis? A Long Island Iced Tea, perhaps?”
The women fell into laughter, and before Makenzie could ask her any more questions about Sean, Emma managed to convince her friend that it was a good idea to call Allison. The ploy worked and they three-way called their other friend who picked up on the second ring sounding happy despite clearly being out of her mind with exhaustion.
When they hung up the phone a few minutes later, not wanting to deprive Allison of a much-needed nap, Emma chewed on her lower lip. A strange nervousness ate at her gut as she fiddled with the cell phone in her hand.
“What’s wrong?” Makenzie put her hand on Emma’s knee. “You look pale all of a sudden.”
“I just keep thinking that I want what Allison has right now. All of it. The crying and not sleeping and the dirty diapers and the frustration and the wonder. I want it all, so badly. What if…God, I don’t even want to say it…but what if I put myself through all this again for nothing? What if nothing happens? Again?”
Emma stared off into space, her greatest fear voiced into the silence between them. The room seemed suddenly heavy, almost oppressive, and she sprung up from the couch, striding to her balcony to open the window and step out into the crisp afternoon air. She didn’t know whether her friend had followed behind until she felt Makenzie’s hand making slow circles on her back. Somewhat comforted, Emma took deep breaths, trying to regain her composure.
“I know I’m not supposed to think like that…I know a lot of things. I knew a lot of things going through the last treatments. I’ve done all my homework, followed everything to the letter and it isn’t changing anything about anything. There’s nothing about this that I can control and I feel like I’m gonna go crazy.”
“Breathe out, there you go,” Makenzie soothed, working now to knead Emma’s shoulders. “You’re doing everything you can to be a good mother right off the bat. That’s all you can do right now. Try to focus on the positives. This is a new treatment, which is giving hope to women who thought they had none, Sean is brilliant and clearly knows what he’s doing, and he wouldn’t risk signing you up for something that he thought wouldn’t work, right?”
“He did say I was a prime candidate,” Emma admitted, leaning against the railing of her balcony as afternoon traffic beeped in the street down below.
“I don’t think Sean would let you down, would he?”
“It’s not him I’m worried about.” Emma’s shoulders sagged. “It’s me.”
Makenzie came to stand at her side, their eyes meeting. “Hey now. There’s nothing wrong with you. With some people, it just takes longer and it makes it that much more special when the moment does come. As soon as you’re holding your baby in your arms all of this will be worth it. I promise you.”
Emma nodded, staring out at the congested road and then off into the crowded skyline. She tried to even her breathing, the scent of some sort of cooking meat from a street vendor below hitting her nostrils.
“If it’s meant to be, it will be,” she breathed. “And it’ll all be worth it.”
“See? Now you got it. That’s your new mantra, sweetheart. Stick to it with a strong heart and a clear head and we’ll get you through this, no matter the outcome.”
Chapter 15
Emma
“Mph.” Emma startled awake, sitting straight up in bed as if pulled by a puppet string. “Something’s not right.”
She knew it, still blurry from sleep. It had been two weeks since the procedure at Sean’s clinic and she was due for a checkup that day, but the rolling nausea rerouted everything in her brain. She stumbled out of bed, not even checking the clock, and knelt in front of the porcelain god, silently prayed this was a good sign.
Ten deeply unpleasant minutes later she washed her face, straightened out her hair, and got around to checking the clock. It was just past seven in the morning. But with her stomach feeling less than settled, there was no way she was going into work today. Instead, she called up Sean’s office.
It was early yet, and she was relieved when the sweet-as-pie secretary with whom she had scheduled her first consultation answered the phone.
“Good morning, you’re through to the Fisher Clinic.”
“Hi, this is Emma Mahoney. I’m due in for my follow-up later today but I’m really not feeling great this morning. I just got sick and I know the doctor said—”
“I’ll move some things around and we’ll get you in first thing,” came the enthusiastic response. “I know Dr. Fisher is eager to see you and this is absolutely something we don’t want to wait on, right?”
“Yes, that would be great. Thank you so much.”
After the secretary put her on hold, Emma was struck by the realization that she was desperate to talk to Sean. The instinct was so sharp, it was shocking.
Her fingers closed tightly over the cell in her hand as she stared around her room at various objects, the vase of flowers she handpicked every week from the flower shop down the street, a portrait she’d had done to mark her acceptance to her law firm, the degree she’d had framed. None of it really registered as she waited to hear anything past the elevator music that was being piped into her ears. The nausea was replaced with butterflies, which were just as bad.
She kept switching hands as the time stretched on waiting to hear whether or not they would be able to fit her in earlier for her appointment. This could be it. It all came down to something so trivial, yet so raw and real.
Emma sensed herself lowering down close to the bed as her butt met the floor next to her bed and she curled her legs toward her chest. Her heart raced against her ribcage, almost until it drowned out the obnoxious hold music.
“Miss Mahoney?”
It couldn’t have been more than two minutes since the secretary had put her on hold, but it felt like a lifetime.
“I’m here.”
“Good news! We’ll be able to squeeze you in before his first appointment. Dr. Fisher will see you at eight, can you make it here in time?”
“Yes, thank you, that shouldn’t be a problem.”
The rest of the conversation was a polite blur before Emma clicked off the call and held the cell phone in her hand. She didn’t know how long she stared at it, dumbstruck, but by the time she got back into the game, she had less than half an hour to get down to Sean’s office.
In a flurry of activity, she threw on the first pieces of clothing she found in her drawer—a cat sweater Allison had gotten her as a gag gift five Christmases ago and a plain black pair of yoga pants. After almost forgetting her purse, she took the elevator down to the main floor and hopped in a cab to head downtown to the clinic.
“Oh good, Miss Mahoney, we’re glad you c
ould make it.” Sean’s secretary—Sophia, it said on her name tag—smiled at Emma as she marked something down on a chart and did a few mouse clicks on her computer. “Do you need anything to drink before we start or would you like to come right on back?”
“I’m fine. I just want to…” Emma cut herself off, not wanting to sound too impatient or crazy.
After all, it could be nothing. She could have eaten some bad food or caught a bug or any number of reasons for throwing up. Just because she had been implanted with an embryo two weeks ago didn’t mean it had taken. But as much as she tried to convince herself that it could be anything else under the blue sky, her heart cried out that this could be it. This was the moment where everything could fall into place.
She clutched her purse tight as Sophia led her back into the exam room and told her that the doctor would be with her soon. This was all par for the course. But Emma couldn’t help thinking that Sophia had a little extra twinkle in her eyes, a bounce in her step. Every second ticked away like an eternity.
Until the wooden door opened and Sean was striding through it with her chart. He gently closed the door and took his seat on a stool in front of Emma.
“A little early for your appointment, aren’t you? Couldn’t wait to see me again?”
His playful tone threw her for a loop, but Emma smiled nervously and licked her lips.
“How did you guess it was my terrible craving to see you rather the puking that made me seek you out so early this morning?”
“Well, a man has hunches.”
“Uh-huh.” Emma playfully rolled her eyes, thankful for the easy distraction he was providing for her as he ran the numbers on her chart.
“Are you having any other symptoms other than nausea and vomiting?”
She shook her head, crossing her arms. Was that a good or bad answer?
“We’ll want to take a pregnancy test today to confirm. Are you good with that, Emma?” He met her eyes, level and steady, his gaze full of unexpected warmth and reassurance.
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