“It’s a secret, but you made me feel awfully playful. I bet it will work out in your favor…”
Emma let his mind run with the imagery. But the sentiment was true, she had never felt so carefree and playful with anyone else. The very idea made her shiver with anticipation.
“Is the ice cream too cold for you? Want me to hold it?” He asked, misplacing her body movement.
“No, it’s perfect. You’ll see.”
Chapter 22
Emma
A week later
“I was wrong, Emma Mahoney, you do have some tricks up your sleeve,” Sean admitted as they lounged on the deck playing poker. “Who knew that had mastered the art of bluffing and seduction. What a crazy life you must lead outside of the office.”
“Your sarcasm is most appreciated,” Emma fired back, a goofy grin on her face as she flung down another winning hand. “That’s five you owe me. Do you really want to wager anything more?”
He threw a bar coaster in their pile, raising one eyebrow.
“I should know better than to taunt a sore loser. My bad.”
His expression grew more stern, his eyes narrowing as his hand quickly snaked out to tickle her side, bare in her bikini top. She giggled and tried to wiggle away before he held up his hand, palm up, and pointed to the pot.
“You see what happens when you distract me?” he said.
“Oh, get real.” She gave him a disbelieving look and anted up, looking him in the eye, daring him to go further. “Want to know a secret?”
“Absolutely.”
“I was the all-girls poker champion in our underground league in high school and I still play between clients. Once I wipe the floor with you, you’ll owe me so many pairs of shoes, your head is going to spin off like a top.”
“So long as I get to help pick them out, it’s not an issue.” Sean’s sexy, wolfish grin made her skin heat with instant pleasure. “I’m not a sore loser.”
They’d barely left the yacht the past few days. Lazy, sun-kissed days had blended into passionate nights, and though it seemed odd that Sean had spent all that money on their villa and they hadn’t even stayed there, Emma wasn’t complaining.
“For the record, my winning streak remains unbroken,” she announced. “Your turn to deal out.”
By late afternoon they were played out and Sean sealed his failings with another romp in the bed that left her sorry she had ever called him a sore loser.
“That’s not going to absolve your bank account, you know,” she remarked idly, drawing her index finger down his back as he shuddered and turned his head on the pillow to face her.
“I assume you want your winnings sooner rather than later?” He moved forward to kiss her arm before rolling out of the bed and strolling across the bedroom to put on a pair of pants. “Do you think I need to wear a shirt to buy you shoes? Is that how that works?”
“I think your good name would be in question if we went into a high-end shoe store without a shirt, yes, but good try. I appreciate you trying to give back to the women of Cancun.”
“As you surely realize by now, I am a giver.”
Sean licked his lips suggestively and Emma threw a pillow at his face.
“Let’s get going, buddy. Before you keep me locked up on your yacht of love for the rest of our time here.”
“Would that be so bad? We’ve got everything we need in one place.”
“It’s my vacation, remember? I want to explore a little.”
“No one will ever accuse you of being a woman who doesn’t know what she wants, will they?”
“No, that they won’t, and aren’t you lucky?”
Emma slipped off to the shower, enjoying the hot water as it soothed her skin, before changing into a light cotton shirt and a pair of shorts.
She had been surprised that first morning, when she’d stepped out of the lavish bathroom, all glass and chrome fittings, expecting to put on the same outfit she’d arrived in, only to find a change of clothes freshly pressed and waiting for her—Sean, it turned out, had anticipated that they might end up staying on the yacht, and had brought her bags along on her blindfolded ride in the car. Truly, the man had thought of everything. It was something could get used to.
Once Emma was ready, the two of them headed to the avenue to look at shoes. While she couldn’t ever remember a time when she needed a man to take her on a shopping spree, the gesture was nice. No doubt made even nicer by the fact that she had won the effort, fair and square.
“Don’t worry, I won’t get anything too crazy.” Emma grinned and swung his hand as they walked along the lane looking into the shop windows.
They strolled into a shop that had unique colors in the window and handmade goodies on offer. The shop was packed to the rafters with clothing and leather goods, and the soft scent of incense wafted through the space.
“Oh wow, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Emma stopped by a tall rack of rings near the back wall, running her hand down the line of them. “I haven’t seen mood rings since I was a kid. I had one exactly like this.”
She fingered a small heart-shaped one as the stone began to shift from black to red to bluish green. The colors swirled in a delightful pool. Much like her emotions over their past few days together. Her heart softened as she picked one out in her size.
“This is one of my shoes.”
“Are you sure? I seem to remember you naming designer shoes as your winnings?” Sean looked skeptical, crossing his arms as he leaned against the wall. “It’s your choice, but…”
“I made the bet and this is what I want. Ring it up.”
Emma met his eyes and took his hand, plunking the small token in his open palm. Immediately the stone slid to a dark-hued blue, more like lapis lazuli. Emma licked her lips, pretty sure she remembered that exact color shift meaning, but she consulted the chart all the same.
“You’re feeling loving and romantic right now, it seems.”
“Did you convince it do that? You have magical mood ring powers, don’t you?”
“You’re a devil, Sean Fisher.”
He winked and walked toward the checkout counter, Emma following behind him just barely suppressing her giggles. Once everything was paid for he handed it back to her and she slipped it on her finger, admiring the swirl of colors before it settled itself.
“It’s good that you had fun stuff like that growing up,” Sean commented as they continued walking down the avenue. “It seems like a lot of fun.”
“You didn’t?” she asked, suddenly curious as to what growing up as a real estate mogul’s son was like. “Were your family super strict or something?”
“My father’s idea of a good time was learning how to nail a board and not catch your finger with a hammer. I was basically raised on construction sites, mainly because my dad was convinced that every kid of his would grow up to sell houses, and should therefore know how to build one.
“Every summer he would volunteer us for hours of work on Habitat for Humanity sites. Don’t get me wrong, that part was great, and I really enjoyed giving back to the community, but we didn’t have much time off outside of the business to do kid things. When we weren’t learning about houses or studying on how keep our finances tight, my mother was dragging us to classes at the club to learn manners, etiquette, stuff like that. My folks were determined that we would have an upper-class life, even if we sacrificed the simple, normal kid experiences to do it all.”
“I’m sure they meant well,” Emma commented lightly, not sure what to say in the wake of the not-so-surprising revelation.
Sean sighed. “I knew they loved me. But they loved me with a blind purpose and anything outside of that purpose didn’t compute to them. It didn’t make sense in their worldview.”
“And yet they were okay when you broke away from the family business? You said they accepted it, didn’t you?”
“Sure, after years of barely talking to me. They accepted it once I got my first award and the grant money to fu
el my first set of fertility trials. Before then, I wasn’t even invited to Thanksgiving or Christmas. I was a total loss to their efforts.”
He sighed again, shaking his head. “Sorry to bring up something so dramatic. It just kind of…happened.” He leaned down and kissed her gently, stroking her nose. “You forgive me for bringing a dark cloud over our day?”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” she said honestly. “It’s important to talk about these things, especially so you can do things differently when you…”
Emma closed her eyes and caught her breath, unbelieving of the sentence she was about to utter. She stopped dead and looked into another shop window, refusing to meet his eyes. Had she really already painted her whole future with this man, including the kids she wasn’t even sure she could bear for him?
Mortification ripped through her synapsis while she stood there and took in the giant pile of crap she had just stepped into. Unsure how to course-correct, she kept her mouth shut. There was no need to cause any more damage by bringing their glaringly obvious faults to the light of day, when the day was bright enough.
“Hey, it’s okay.” He stopped and turned, blocking her from the rest of the pedestrian traffic as he wrapped his arms around her waist, cradling her head to his chest. “Regardless of if I do or don’t have kids, I won’t be living life the way I was brought up.”
Emma’s eyes stung. “But it’s ridiculous for me to assume that you want kids in your life, just because it’s so important to me and is on my mind almost constantly as a result. I shouldn’t put that kind of pressure on you, not when we haven’t even identified what this is or what this is going to be in the future.”
He squeezed even tighter and kissed the top of her head.
“What did you think I meant by saying I always wanted you, Emma? That doesn’t mean I’m going to go running off into the hills with some other girl when I come to my senses. It means I’m here, with you, when I’ve waited ten long years for this to happen between us. Whatever is in our future, we are in it together, is that enough of a promise for you?”
Emma felt something inside of her snap. A small crutch that was holding everything together fragmented as there was sharp, bitter pain in her chest. She pushed back from him so she was a few inches away, staring up into his bewildered expression.
“Nothing can really switch off my worries until you’re certain of what you want and I’m certain I can give that to you. What happens if I do wind up getting pregnant and you realize that a crying, screaming infant doesn’t fit into your career plans? That you have to work so hard doing what you love, that you can’t give up your valuable time to help me?”
The reality of the situation crowded all around her as she finally let loose all of the fears that had dominated her thoughts night and day since they had gotten together. Either way, there was no good answer. Not until Sean had his own answers and communicated them to her.
“Having a kid isn’t something you stumble into, Sean. Trust me, if it was I would be well on my way to having one right now. Being a parent isn’t something you can regulate to the back burner if it’s not working for you anymore. You have to be sure about it. Have to be sure it’s what you want for your life. And I can’t have one knowing that you don’t care either way about my choice, when I need to know you’ll be my partner.”
Well, there it was, all out in the open between them now. He could say sweet things about wanting to be with her, but if their future’s didn’t line up, did it even really matter? Didn’t he see the problem? At all?
“We’re right back where we started ten years ago, where you didn’t know what was going to happen in your future. Only this time, I’m telling you I need an answer, or we can’t keep doing this together. I’m not going to risk getting pregnant with you at my side, with you helming the effort to impregnate me in the first place, and then have you leave when it doesn’t work for you anymore. You said it yourself, you weren’t ready for a relationship before because your work took all your time and effort. So what’s going to be different with me if and when I get pregnant?”
Sean stood in front of her completely silent, almost as if he had lost the ability to speak at all.
Emma knew she had made their fight embarrassingly public, something she hadn’t meant to do at all, but everything was boiling inside of her and it needed an outlet. There were too many unknowns and she wasn’t ready to be with Sean again until their issues were resolved. This little vacation had been beautiful, fun, and so fulfilling, but every second they spent together, they drew closer and closer. How was she supposed to continue to fall in love with someone when she wasn’t sure their priorities lined up? When all they said were comforting sweet things that didn’t really speak to their future in the real world?
“What do you want me to say, Emma? I don’t know what to tell you here.” Sean rubbed his temples, blowing out a breath of frustration. “You really need an answer, right now?”
“If you can’t give me one but you want to continue with what we have together, that says a lot. Don’t you think?”
“I can’t think anything right now. Other than how confused I am by the direction of this conversation,” he sputtered, anger starting to leak through into his voice. “It sounds like you want me to make a life-changing choice in the blink of an eye. How am I supposed to know if I want kids?”
Emma closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to rein in her patience. “Have you interacted with kids in the past? Have you ever pictured yourself old and surrounded by grandkids?”
“None of these questions are going to solve this, Emma. That’s not how you make a choice like this…”
“Then how? What criteria would you need to know whether or not you’re okay with having one? Because just having one on the fly isn’t an option for me. So it’s something we either need to work out together, or we need to work it out alone.”
Sean stood silent, hands on his hips, staring at the asphalt beneath their feet, and in that moment Emma knew there was nothing left for them to discuss. Twirling her new ring around and around her finger, she went over her options.
“I’m going back to the villa and I think you should stay on the yacht tonight. I need to sort some things out in my head.”
“Sure, whatever you need.” Sean’s gravelly voice was thick with emotion. “I’ll get you a cab and take you back myself.”
“No. It’s fine. I can do it on my own…just like everything else.”
Chapter 23
Emma
When her phone vibrated again, she ignored the call, throwing it onto the bed across the villa. She was lounging on the couch with all the windows open, the sea breeze cooling her hot skin. Today had not gone the way she had wanted it to, not at all. But she had no regrets. Even as a pit of sadness weighed heavy in her stomach.
Sooner or later, these questions needed answers. She couldn’t risk getting pregnant through Sean’s procedure, only to risk losing the man she had lost once before. While she could have the baby on her own, Sean being the doctor responsible for bringing that child into the world would give her reason to think of him every single day for the rest of her life. There was no way she could allow such an important choice to be made lightly.
“Which leaves me with a pile of options,” Emma muttered, reaching for the bowl of grapes she had been snacking on for the best part of an hour. “Either I take the risk and be reminded of Sean for the rest of my life, or I don’t take the risk and resign myself to never having a baby. Or, option three, I bide my time and hope that another miracle study comes along.”
In all reality, all of these options fed into the idea that Sean’s overly optimistic outlook would come to fruition in the first place. There was a very good chance she could go undergo Sean’s procedure again only to not get pregnant. But it was the other fifty percent chance that kept her on edge, constantly questioning his motives.
Jesus, she should have listened to him when he was worried that their involvemen
t would impact his work, because they were no better off now that they were involved than if she had just gone home after their first dinner together. Or even the first morning. If she had left, simply treated it like another one-night stand, neither of them would be stuck here thinking so hard about a future that was completely up in the air for both of them. And she wouldn’t be making a choice completely defined by a man, when she had decided to have a child on her own, regardless of male involvement.
Emma made a noise of annoyance deep in her chest and covered her face with a pillow. Despite the gorgeous view and the soothing atmosphere, it was looking like this trip had been a major mistake from the second she had agreed to go on it. That was the nagging realization.
Closing her eyes, she let the pillow fall to the floor as realization struck her, and she remembered the promise she had made to herself. The truth that had been unwavering since the second she walked out Sean’s clinic with the news of not being pregnant ringing in her ears.
If she had doubts—any at all—she wouldn’t go through with it again.
With her heart breaking, she gently shifted off the couch and walked in a fog to the bed. It took her three tries to grab her phone, her hands were trembling so badly. Another four to press the button for contacts and to bring up Sean’s number before sticking her cell to her ear.
Pulse thundering against her temples, she slid down to the floor and tried to take deep breaths, the realization of what she was about to do stinging behind her closed eyelids as tears tracked down her face.
Sean answered on the first ring.
“Emma?”
“Hi, Sean. I need you to come to the villa. What I have to tell you, I can’t tell you over the phone, okay?”
“Of course, sweetheart. I’ll be right there. Are you okay?”
“I’ll be better once you get here and we talk. Hurry. Please.”
* * *
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