Twenty minutes later Sean was sitting on the couch while Emma paced around the room, unable to keep herself in check with the weight of her decision lingering on her shoulders. He sat on the edge of the couch, as if he was ready to scoop her up at any moment. His left leg jiggled nervously and he kept playing with his hands.
“I’m sorry,” she started. “I know I didn’t give you enough time to contemplate everything we talked about together; there’s no way you could have made an informed decision. But there’s something I need to tell you.”
Emma stopped pacing and looked at Sean, biting her lip. It was all so real. Every choice she had made up until this moment was flashing across her mind in a giant circle of “This is Your Life, Emma.” She looked away from him.
“Talk to me. I’m here.”
“I’ve decided not to go through with a second round of treatment.”
The bombshell dropped, and she crossed her arms and looked out the window, focusing on the calm, gentle roll of the water as she went on. “I know that’s not what you want to hear, Sean, but I know what’s best for my body. I’ve been through so much and I don’t know if I could handle another failed attempt, meaning my stress levels would be even higher if I did try again. That’s not good hormonal housing for a baby, I don’t have to be a scientist to understand that…so, I’m done. I’m done trying at all.”
The uncertain words left her lips and there was no taking them back. Emma crumpled to the floor on her knees, her throat tight as she held back sobs. But they came out, strangled and high-pitched as she held herself, gently rocking on the carpet as she wept for what could have been.
She thought maybe he could have done it again with his science, but that had been a fairy tale. A silly story she had told herself at night when she was alone and needed something to push her forward to another day. All she had left now was herself.
“It doesn’t have to be like this, Emma,” Sean said earnestly. “You’ve had a long day, and you’re still grieving, everything is still so fresh. Of course you would need time to decide to do another round of IVF, but eliminating it entirely isn’t the way to go right now. Neither of us should be making rash decisions.”
“Are you saying that because you want me to have a baby with you?”
Sean blanched when she looked up at him, clearly stumbling and without an answer or a resolution to their previous problems.
“So you’re not sure yet either…which means the only reason you could want me to have a baby is because you need me to successfully complete your trials.”
Emma shook her head, feeling as if her whole body was falling apart as she cried. “This isn’t about you or me, it’s always been about the science, hasn’t it? You told me all along and I never really listened, but you made it obvious through every single step—”
“Emma—”
“No! I don’t want to hear from you. So just stop right where you are and save your breath.” She carefully picked herself up off the floor and straightened her shoulders, walking as if in a dream to collect her things from the bathroom. “This whole trip was just an act to get me to agree to another round of treatment, wasn’t it? Saying whatever sounded good to get the results you needed.”
“No—” Sean kept pace with her as she stalked across the room, an ever-present shadow. “Emma, will you please stop packing? That’s not what any of this has ever been about. I don’t want you to wreck all your dreams because you’re afraid of the outcome. This is so much more important than anything I want!”
“If you were so concerned about my hopes and dreams, you would give me time to really consider all my options, instead of telling me everything was going to be okay, Sean. You’ve been pumping me up with hope since we started this thing together and I can’t take it anymore. I need some reality and I need some space. Away from you. Away from everything to digest if this is something I really want, and if it’s worth putting everything on the line again for it.”
“How much time?”
“What?” Emma turned to him, zipping up her purse after she threw her phone and her charger into it, moving on autopilot. “What do you mean?”
“The trials only have until April—”
Emma screamed, a noise of wild and grieving rage that echoed around the room and rang the inside of her skull like a bell. The noise seemed to shut him up, but it merely reinforced that she was making the right choice.
She turned to face him, her eyes shining with tears. “I’m leaving on the next flight out and I don’t want you to follow me. I don’t want to hear from you again.”
To his credit, he didn’t say a word as she grabbed her bags and walked out the door.
Chapter 24
Emma
Two Days Later
There was no reason for her to go back to work yet. Emma still had a week left of vacation and she was damn sure going to take it, especially after her apocalyptic final night in Cancun.
The previous evening, she had made a giant list of all the movies and TV shows she had missed while she was toiling away her office over the past seven or eight years, then after a quick jaunt to the grocery store to pick up the junkiest snacks she could find, then plopped herself down on her couch and settled in for some long overdue self-care time. There were some things she loved, some things she hated, and she had a running group chat with Allison and Makenzie talking about the shows they were bingeing right now.
Neither of her best friends had questioned what had happened in Cancun. They were smart enough to know that if she had come back early, it was best to leave it alone. There were times when knowing each other since sixth grade came in handy, and this was definitely one of them.
“Stop. It.” Emma looked down at her buzzing phone seeing notification after notification fill her screen.
All of them were from Sean—he had been blowing up her phone since she got off her ridiculously expensive flight back to Chicago the morning before—and none of them were getting answered. He could call and text as much as he wanted, but that wasn’t going to change the outcome.
She would have blocked him completely, but part of her worried that there would be some kind of emergency and then he wouldn’t be able to get through—though why she would be his emergency contact was beyond her comprehension. Frankly, it was probably only a stall tactic. The subconscious, yet nagging idea that letting go of him, after all of these years, seemed impossible.
But she wasn’t going to be in anyone’s life as a guinea pig. She didn’t exist to cater to some man who couldn’t get his life straight, but who wanted her purely as a piece in the puzzle of his life’s work. She deserved way more than a man who was in her life because it was convenient for him.
“Ugh.” She rolled over on the couch and closed her eyes.
Despite having been exhausted when she got home the previous day—there had been a baby wailing for a majority of the flight, of course—she hadn’t been able to make up the sleep when she went to bed that night. Every time she closed her eyes, there Sean was, starring in a montage of the amazing life she had been excited to embark on with him until everything came to a grinding halt. She could practically hear the gears screaming in her brain.
With a sigh, she flip-flopped around on the couch and tried to remember the vow of self-care she had made on the plane.
With nothing striking her fancy on the television, she decided that movement seemed like the best thing for the time being. She laced up her running shoes, threw on some headphones, and put on an audio book. Just not a romance. A nice, juicy, twisty thriller that would keep her mind on anything but the man she had left behind in Cancun.
Twenty minutes later, she couldn’t remember how she had gotten there, but she was standing in front of Sean’s office with adrenaline coursing through her veins and a bone to pick. The runner’s high gave her courage as she crushed the fifteen steps to the landing, swung open the door, and sauntered in as if she owned the place.
The secretary smiled as she recog
nized her.
“Oh, Emma, it’s nice to see you. Are you wanting to schedule in for another appointment? Dr. Fisher’s on vacation right now, but he’ll be so happy when he finds out.”
Although the secretary’s words were meant with a good heart, they felt exactly like a dagger. Emma caught her breath. There were no words. Nothing that could convey the myriad of emotions that went through her all the same time.
“…won’t have to worry about calling you, so that’s nice. A little something off my plate…”
Clearly his secretary wasn’t reading the emotional cues in the room. Her reality sunk in with a heavy numbness that made her hold her upper body, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. Everything was too tight and she couldn’t breathe. She rubbed her upper arms, clenching her jaw.
“He isn’t here? Where is he?”
“No, honey. He’s in Mexico right now. Won’t be back for another week.”
The idea that he was still in Cancun without her, that he had continued his vacation as if nothing had happened, made everything crystal clear. All she had ever been in his mind was a means to an end. Nothing but her involvement in his work mattered a bit and she swallowed through the tight grief in her throat as she forced herself to get the next words out.
“I’m sorry, Sophia, but I didn’t come here to schedule another appointment. I won’t be doing another trial for Dr. Fisher. I’m done.”
The receptionist swiveled in her office chair to look at Emma, her face falling as she caught sight of her expression.
“You’re sure?” she said softly.
“I am.”
Sophia nodded once. “I’m sorry, Emma. Thank you for giving it a go for us. I wish you all the best and you have our number if you change your mind.”
Emma nodded tightly and walked out of the office in a daze. She took the long way home, the walk helping her digest the thoughts running through her head.
He had been playing her the whole time. There was no other explanation as to why he would have continued his vacation after what had happened between them.
She rubbed her lower stomach self-consciously, feeling nauseous. The idea of being a pawn in his little game was sickening and she was more than glad she had gotten out when she had.
“He didn’t even have the balls to chase after me,” she spat. “To do something other than text or call like an idiot on his island vacation for one.”
Once she got home and showered, she grew sick of postponing the inevitable. This staycation obviously wasn’t working out and she couldn’t stand the idea of being stuck at home feeling sick with anxiety while Sean’s motives played Ring Around the Rosie in her skull. It was time to call her friends.
Chapter 25
Emma
Three hours later, Emma had dragged herself up off the couch and was sitting with Makenzie at her neighborhood smoothie bar.
“You don’t look sick,” her friend observed.
“Well that’s something, because I feel like I’m trapped on a merry-go-round and I can’t get off.”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine, babe. You just need to do some yoga, get more sleep, and stop eating like a teenager in college,” Makenzie quipped. “Will a little kale kill you?”
“You don’t know what’s in my fridge. You don’t know my life,” Emma retorted, taking a sip of her beet smoothie before sticking her tongue out at her best friend. “You don’t know what I’m putting in my mouth; I could be eating nothing but carrot sticks.”
“Umm…you have a packet of gummi worms, chips, and a chocolate bar in your bag. And that’s not even a thorough investigation. Is someone stress-snacking on the go?”
“Everything’s fine. I just don’t have much time to eat these days. You know how it happens—”
“If you want to talk about it, we can talk about it.”
Emma shook her head quickly. “You know I don’t want to, Kenzie. Just stop worrying, you’re as bad as Allison.”
“Well, she did say I had to take up her motherly mantle since she’s currently busy breastfeeding all the time. So blame her on that one.” Makenzie winked and licked her lips. “Make sure you dig into her real good. I miss that chick and she needs to be held accountable.”
“Noted.”
“Good.” Makenzie sucked the last of her smoothie out of her cup with her straw, until hideous sucking noises echoed through the smoothie bar. “You want to go get some cupcakes and go halfsies?”
Emma gave her friend an incredulous look and tilted her head in confusion.
“A minute ago you were lecturing me about eating junk food and now you’re encouraging me to eat cupcakes?”
Makenzie shrugged. “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Besides, these things never fill me up anyway and now that my Allison duty is over, I’m feeling some devil’s food cake. What about you?”
“I think you’re absolutely nuts.” Emma laughed chucking her half-finished smoothie into the trashcan across from their table. “But I’ll be damned if I’m not getting an espresso salted caramel with you.”
“Deal.”
* * *
Two hours later, the two of them stumbled into Emma’s apartment drunk on cupcakes with a sugar buzz so strong Emma thought she might burst through the roof. She couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed so hard as she fell onto her couch, tears streaming down her face. Makenzie collapsed onto the opposite chair, her makeup completely ruined.
“You have foundation and bronzer leaking…into your…boobs,” Emma cried out, still clutching her aching sides. “Sweet mother of God, my abs hurt. Agh!”
She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t stop laughing. Especially when Makenzie got up and tried to wet a napkin and started mopping at her cleavage. Like that was going to help the situation. All it wound up doing was rubbing off her self-tanner. By the time she gave up and dropped the napkin to the floor, she looked like she had been through a splash park without any protection.
“How bad is it?” she asked, digging into the bag that was next to the chair for another cupcake. “Will eating away my problems solve the cab ride home?”
“Not even close,” Emma laughed. “But don’t go home, you should stay here with me tonight. We’ll have an old-fashioned sleepover. Tell Rick you’ll be home tomorrow. You can swing that, right?”
Makenzie looked thoughtful for a second before she giggled and nodded.
“He’ll love that. The apartment all to himself, it’ll give him time to work on his model boats in peace while he watches the nature channel.”
“Really? That’s what your husband does for fun? Has anyone told you you’re married to an eighty-year-old man?”
Makenzie looked offended before she took a big bite of cupcake and spoke as she chewed the strawberry shortcake flavor, pink frosting all across her mouth.
“He’s only 37!”
Oh God, the way she said it, Emma burst into another fit of laughter and rolled off the couch onto the rug.
Bad mistake.
“Oh crap, I think what went down, must come up.” Emma cradled her stomach and scrambled to her knees before she let loose all over her living room carpet.
“No!” Makenzie cried. “That was forty-five dollars’ worth of artisan cupcakes. You better keep that in your stomach!”
It was no use. Emma collapsed in front of the toilet without even shutting the door, unintentionally making Makenzie a witness to the orchestral noises that rose up as she gripped onto the bowl for dear life. She couldn’t remember ever going that hardcore before, not even after a night of drinking.
When the room finally stopped spinning, she stumbled to push herself up, only making it to a sitting position before giving up and leaning her back against the wall. Emma wiped at her forehead and the cold sweat breaking out across her whole body. God, that had been beyond horrendous.
“Are you alive in there? Your phone is vibrating like it’s possessed.”
Emma groaned at her best friend. She heard Makenzie’s heels
clacking across her kitchen floor and blearily looked at her friend’s silhouette in the doorway. Makenzie made a concerned noise and bent down.
“Babe, you’re green. Has this been happening for a while?”
“Not this bad and just for the past couple days…” Emma closed her eyes and tried to pretend that the whole world wasn’t tilting on its axis. “You’re right. Must be the junk food.”
Makenzie nodded, concerned. “Do you feel you rode the Tilt-A-Whirl too many times?”
Emma nodded and shifted on the cool tile, her limbs feeling as if they weighed a million pounds.
“Babe, I think you might need this…”
Emma rubbed her eyes and sat up, blinking to see what Makenzie had dug out of her purse and was now holding outstretched in her hand. The small cellophane package seemed too bright and she couldn’t make out the writing on it. Her head was pounding and her heart was going a million miles a minute.
What she saw in her best friend’s hand made her want to throw up all over again.
A pregnancy test.
Chapter 26
Sean
“You saw her? And you only just called now? What am I paying you for, Sophia?!” Sean spoke through gritted teeth as he walked across the freezing tarmac toward the airport terminal, the bitter wind nearly stealing the air from his lungs. “Was she all right? What did she tell you?”
“You’re not paying me enough, I’ll tell you that right now.”
“Sophia, this is important.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Dr. Fisher. She looked shell-shocked when she came in the office, told me she won’t be coming in for any more appointments.”
“She did? Oh Christ, Sophia.”
Sean shook his head and closed his eyes, suppressing the beginning of a very bad headache. So much had gone wrong in the past forty-eight hours and he hadn’t the faintest idea how to fix any of it. All he knew was he couldn’t let Emma go without a fight. Without her understanding that he was crystal clear a royal jackass and his words were true, he needed her more than anything else in the world.
The Baby Plan Page 13
