by Sue Barr
“Now tell me. What do you have to be sorry about?” She clasped her hands on her lap, and although they were both sitting on the floor in a wrinkled pile of skirts, she managed to look regal. Not for the first time Georgiana wished she could emulate the strength of character Lizzy had.
“I have failed at my marriage. My husband cannot bear to be in the same room with me let alone a gigantic estate, and I am sure he will divorce me once he discovers I left Adborough Hall against his express wishes.”
The only sign of Lizzy’s anger was a slight pursing of her lips.
“Your husband has much to answer for, but you defying his orders and leaving Adborough Hall is not one of them.”
“Maybe I should have stayed and waited until he returned. He did say he’d come back in six months and that’s only two months away. If I’d have waited−”
“Georgiana,” Lizzy interrupted angrily. “I do not care what Society might dictate in circumstance such as these. He had no right to abandon you based on an overheard conversation. He promised to keep you safe and give you a loving home.”
“If I had a candy drop for every broken promise I’ve received in my life, my jar would overflow,” Georgiana whispered into Lizzy’s shoulder.
“Oh, sweetling,” Lizzy gave her another tight hug before rising to her feet with Georgiana’s help. “Do not be so hard on yourself. When you feel this low, you can only go up, and Fitzwilliam and I shall endure the climb with you.”
~~~~~
September 30, 1814
My darling Maxwell,
How familiar that phrase has become to me. I’m sure when you return home, I will make a mistake and blurt it out. I can only imagine how surprised you’d look if I uttered those three little words, or the fact that I love you – most faithfully – upon your arrival.
It’s been almost two weeks since I last wrote. I took some preserves, along with soup and bread to the other two families with illness. I’m so glad I did. The father of the one family was quite incapacitated and in such a weakened state. I’m sure the broth will do him good. I’ve instructed Mr. Mason to give them a few hens for eggs.
Sir Waddlesworth is quite pleased with himself. He managed to catch a mouse near the stables. Imagine my horror when he proudly presented it to me in the front parlor. I thought Mrs. Howell was going to have an apoplectic fit, but she managed to smile through clenched teeth and only give him a light scolding. Honestly, Maxwell, I thought she was going to fall on the floor, she turned so red.
As of this afternoon, Sir Waddlesworth is banished to the stables, for which he’s miserable but it keeps Mrs. Howell happy. I shall miss his gentle purring. He would visit me in the night and curl up near my feet. His warm little body was comforting and I didn’t feel so alone.
I love you and I miss you,
Georgiana Kerr
Max carefully laid the letter on his desk and vacillated between feeling a sense of satisfaction with how Georgiana had jumped into her duties as mistress of Adborough Hall and a sense of guilt over her perceived loneliness where she had only a stray cat for companionship. She had so many redeeming qualities it tore at his conscious that he couldn’t be assured of her fidelity… and yet she didn’t behave as someone who’d done wrong.
Did she get a restful sleep or did she toss and turn at night like him? In the quiet hours when nothing could be heard except the steady ticking of the grandfather clock, his conscience poked at his motives for leaving Georgian alone. Not once in any of the letters he’d read so far had she beg him to return, or request her presence with him in London. Instead, she showed remarkable fortitude and a stoicism he could respect.
He picked up the next letter and began to read.
October 4, 1814
My darling Maxwell,
You’ve been gone nearly three months without any word on when you’ll return. My heart aches. It’s like a physical pain in my chest and I can scarce breath when I think of you. Last night I cried myself to sleep after remembering our waltz at George and Kitty’s wedding ball.
When you held me in your arms and whirled me around the ball room I felt as though I had wings. Everything and everybody melted away leaving only you and I, and how I wished you had kissed me then. I’m sure it would have been magical, just as it was when you finally kissed me at the Featherstone ball. You were my first and last kiss for all eternity.
Did you know I fell in love with you when I was but sixteen? You’d come to visit Nathan prior to Fitzwilliam’s wedding and stayed to dinner. Most people ignored me, as I was so painfully shy, but you made the effort to include me. I’d never noticed that before, but you always treated me as a young lady ought to be treated.
Not many people know this, but a few months prior to my fifteenth birthday a close family friend ingratiated himself with my governess. The two of them conspired to make me fall in love with him, at which time he planned to whisk me away to Gretna Green and we would marry. I was so naïve and believed all his serpentine lies. How could I know the only incentive for him was my substantial dowry? Thankfully, I’d written my brother and he arrived in time to save my honor and my reputation.
One day, when we’re old and gray and I’m assured of your undying love, I may tell you all about George Wickham. He is a chapter of my life I never want to repeat and if we ever have a daughter, I will make sure she is aware of the pretty tales desperate men tell young foolish girls who read too many romance novels. You will have very intelligent daughters, Maxwell – after I’ve given you at least three healthy sons to carry on the Kerr name, much like you and your handsome brothers.
I love you and I miss you.
Georgiana Kerr
Max threw the letter down and stood, not sure if he wanted to ride out and find Wickham to call him out, or head straight to Adborough Hall and tell Georgiana how sorry he was that he doubted her sincerity.
For years he’d admired her gentle manners and shy demeanor. He adored the fact that she brightened when he entered a room. He always knew it was because she felt safe with him and given what he knew now, it explained so much. He remembered telling Nathan, ‘It’s as though she’s had great sorrow in her life and from that sorrow, she sees the world for what it is. Not all rose gardens and parties.’
He also remembered the waltz, the way she fit perfectly in his arms tucked right next to his heart, the light scent of honeysuckle perfume tickling his nose. It had taken every ounce of his will power not to whisk her out of the ball room and beg her to marry him. The thought of having children with Georgiana created an aching void where his heart once hung. How could she ever forgive him for his boorish pride?
He returned to his desk and with trembling hands, picked up the next letter.
October 14, 1814
My darling Maxwell,
I have just finished re-reading Sense and Sensibility, which Kitty and I enjoyed only last summer. I found it quite interesting that the middle daughter, Marianne, who is but sixteen falls in love with a handsome cad named Willoughby. I guess it was because I’d written down my thoughts on Wickham that I was struck how similar in nature these two men were. Also, the fact their surnames begin with the letter ‘W’.
This story cheered my heart somewhat as Miss Marianne Dashwood did find love with Colonel Brandon, a quiet man who was quite a few years older than she. This gives me hope for us, Maxwell. Twelve years is not too much time. Why, Admiral Pennyroyal is almost twenty years his wife’s age and they adore one another.
Have I told you how grateful I am, that it was you who rescued me that night at the inn? When he, (I refuse to call him by any name), snatched me from my bedroom and carried me off to that horrible inn, I prayed as never before. I shudder to think what would have befallen me if you hadn’t heard my cries.
Your brother, Nathan, stopped by for a brief visit. He was quite curious as to why you were in London, and as I didn’t have the faintest idea for the reason of your absence, other than business or Parliament, I couldn’t provide an ans
wer. I must beg your forgiveness. During our brief conversation, I told him about your letter and he asked to read it. He became quite perturbed and spoke briefly with Mr. Chapman and Mrs. Howell. Soon after that, he returned home. He said I’d done nothing wrong, but I’d shared your private correspondence and I’m sure he was disgusted by my behavior.
I’ll finish my ramblings with more antics from Sir Waddlesworth. He has returned to the house. Your stable master begged me to take him back as he howls all night and puts the horses on edge. Poor Sir Waddlesworth. I suppose he missed my soft, inviting bed because he snuggled near my feet all of last night. I am glad of his return as well and appreciate his company in the music room as I work on my newest music. I do hope you will enjoy my latest attempts when you return to Adborough Hall.
I miss you and I love you,
Georgiana Kerr
Max stared at the waning fire in the fireplace, the letter held loosely in his hand. This missive explained why Nathan had barged so unceremoniously into Kerr house a few months back. It made him wonder, given how he’d treated Georgiana, why Nathan hadn’t planted a facer on him for his boorish behavior. Truly, before the Lord got a hold of his youngest brother, he not only would have punted Max a good one on the nose, but would have laid a well-deserved beating on the rest of him.
Nathan’s angry words pummeled his memory.
You’ve treated her worse than a harlot. You have subjected her to an embarrassing scrutiny for reasons she has no knowledge of.
Max tipped back his head and closed his eyes at the painful memory. How right Nathan had been and how wrong he’d been. He truly was the worst libertine of them all. She was an innocent maiden and he’d become judge, jury and executioner of their marriage without a fair trial. Georgiana would hate him when she learned the truth.
He carefully folded the letter and placed it with the others before locking them in his desk. He didn’t think his heart could take any more, not after her latest revelation of never having been intimate with a man. There was only one more letter to read and no others had been delivered these past few weeks. That did not portend well for him.
Chapter Fourteen
Max handed his outer clothing to Benson before moving down the hall to his study. The strident tone of his mother caused him to pause mid-step.
“Maxwell Edward Phillip Kerr, stop right there.”
It was a rare day when his mother called him by his full name and he was loath to turn around, much like his ten-year-old self would have been, and yet he did. Mother stood framed in the door of the front drawing room, back rigid, hands clasped tightly in front of her. He didn’t know if that was because she was trying not to shake or was holding herself back from throttling him. Instantly he knew Nathan had spoken with their mother about his estrangement with Georgiana.
“Yes, Mother?”
“I will have a private word with you.” She looked toward Benson. “Ensure that his Grace and I are not disturbed. For any reason.”
“Yes, your Grace.” Benson bowed and removed himself from the hall, taking Max’s outwear to the cloak room and then disappeared through the servant’s door.
“To your study, Maxwell. The room is fairly soundproof with all the books lining the wall and I can be assured of a modicum of privacy there.”
With a regal swish of her skirts, his mother moved past him and down the hall to his study. He followed behind and closed the door when they reached his inner sanctum. Still holding herself straight and tall, she turned and faced him, tears flowing down her face.
Shocked, he quickly approached and held her in his arms, letting her cry silently against his chest. After a few minutes, she clenched her hand into a fist and gave his vest a few hard pounds before stepping back. Silently, he handed her a handkerchief, which she used to dry her eyes. When she finally looked up at him, the anguish in her gaze nearly brought him to his knees. He’d never disappointed his parents, nor given them any cause for grief, and yet he’d brought his mother to tears.
“There are no words to describe how angry I am at you. When Nathan informed me of your callous disregard for that lovely girl I jumped to your defense. My first impulse was to come back to Town and ring a peal over your head, but Caroline was so close to delivering Margaret−”
“They had a girl?”
Max fell into the closest chair. Nathan had not been kidding when he said he was cutting Max out of their lives. He hadn’t even informed him of the birth of their first child.
“Yes. Nathan forbade me from writing you with the news. As soon as Caroline was comfortable with my granddaughter, I returned to deal with this mess. George offered to escort me, but Catherine is nearing her confinement and he’s reluctant to leave her side. Nathan said he’d never darken your door until you apologized.”
“George and Catherine are expecting a child as well?”
“Maxwell, I am at a loss over your behavior. Not only have you treated Georgiana with callous disregard, but both your brothers refuse to speak your name. It’s as though you’ve died a traitor’s death.”
“I may well have. All of this is my own doing.”
“Then explain it to me. The only way forward is to take that first step.” She settled in a comfortable chair by the fireplace and looked at him expectantly.
He stayed seated for a few minutes, gathering his thought and then stood to pace. As he walked back and forth in front of his desk, he haltingly told her of what all had transpired.
“…when I heard Darcy say he couldn’t make this one go away, I thought my heart would stop. What did he mean by this one? I was immediately reminded of the incident with Lady Celeste and my imagination fell into a deep well. I’ve never been taken over by rage before and I let it consume me in the foulest manner.”
“You never spoke to Darcy, or even to Georgiana?”
“No and I regret to say I began to look upon her abduction by Slade in a different light. Had she been willing and only cried out when he became too rough with her? She was only in her nightgown and no one knows how long they were in the room together−”
“Enough! No wonder your life is in shambles. You have known this young woman for almost her whole life. If you think for one moment she would agree to an assignation or hasty marriage to Sir Reginald Slade, then you belong in Bedlam. Anyone with an eye to see knew she loved you. She lit up when you came into the room and although I can’t verify this, I believe she’s loved you for a long time, maybe even longer than you have loved her.”
“That would be impossible.”
“And now we come to the crux of the problem. Answer this question honestly, Maxwell. Have you ever spoken to Georgiana of your true heart, or did you assume everything would fall into place once you were married? Does she even know your fears and why you did this absolutely stupid thing?”
“I’ve never told her about Celeste and her treachery.”
“Surely you gave her some inclination as to why you were leaving so soon after your wedding?”
“I…” He thought back to the letter he wrote before leaving Adborough Hall, where he told her she could be in no doubt as to why he was going back to London, alone. How could she know? The whole two days it took them to reach his estate he’d not spoken more than a dozen words to her, and none of them respectful. He treated the scullery maid with more esteem.
He fell into the chair again and dropped his head into his hands.
“I thought not.”
“I have since learned she is quite innocent of any machinations I imagined and am at a loss at how to proceed. I have wronged her grievously, Mother. There may be no turning back.”
“No, there is no turning back.” She stood and smoothed down the front of her skirt. “You created a fine mess and for once I am not going to lend you aid. I must take my leave as I promised George we would leave for his estate when our interview ended.”
“George is here? I thought you said he wouldn’t leave Catherine’s side.”
“He also
didn’t want me traveling alone.”
“Is he in the other parlor?”
“No, he chose to wait in the stables. Like your brother, he has no desire to engage you in any way until you’ve made apologies. All of us are displeased with you, Maxwell. This is NOT how I raised my sons to treat their wives, let alone any woman of any standing. Do not bother to see me out.”
With that, she exited the room and he heard her call to Benson to bring her cloak and advise George she was ready to leave. He sat in contemplative silence before he sat behind his desk and brought out Georgiana’s last letter, noting that his hand shook.
October 27, 1814
My darling Maxwell,
This will be the last ‘letter’ I write as my journal has arrived and I now have a lovely leather-bound book in which to jot down my dreams and wishes. In some ways I will miss writing you. Penning my thoughts in this format has allowed me some time to heal and fill the lonely hours. The rest of my time is taken up with keeping Sir Waddlesworth out of the cook’s domain. He is determined to find every scrap of meat she drops.
Mr. Mason and I visited the tenants again to check on those to which I’d taken some needed food stores
I cannot finish this as my brother has arrived and I depart this night for Pemberley. I am now fully aware of what you think and my heart is truly broken. Anna is packing my trunks as I write, so I must sign off and tuck this letter away until I have returned to Pemberley. I know not how I can go forward. I am such a fool and can only find comfort in the fact no one else knows of my stupidity.
