by TJ Klune
“You’re already naked too,” Bambi pointed out.
Rico looked down at himself. “Huh. How about that. I didn’t even notice. You like what you see?” He waggled his eyebrows at her.
“Oh yeah,” she said. “Ox is hot.”
“Hey!”
Gavin was standing away from the rest of us. He was wringing his hands and gnawing on his bottom lip. I went over to him, pulling his hands apart before he broke his own fingers. “All right?”
He nodded jerkily. “I stay here too.”
I frowned. “What? You don’t have to do that. Jessie can handle herself.”
“Not that.”
“Okay,” I said. “Then what is it?”
He grimaced, looking over my shoulder at the others. He leaned forward, dropping his voice. “Full moon. Run in forest.”
“Yeah, man. That’s what we do. You know that.”
“Pack pack pack.”
“And?”
He looked miserable. “I’m not… it’s not….” He scowled as he began to hit the side of his own head.
“Don’t do that,” I scolded him, holding his hands so he wouldn’t hurt himself. “Stop.”
“Words hard,” he muttered. “Still can’t use them all. Tongue gets heavy. Brain not working right.”
“Your brain works just fine. It’ll take some time. You’re still getting used to being human again.”
“Omega. I’m Omega.” He flashed his violet eyes.
“I can see that.”
“Pack scared of Omegas,” he said. “Omegas hurt them. You were Omega. But you’re not anymore. You’re not like me. You’re Beta. You’re better. Not like in cabin. Different.”
I pressed my thumbs into his palms. “Maybe. But that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you behind. It’s… yeah. Okay. It’s different. Not bad or worse.”
He wouldn’t meet my gaze. “Stay here. I can stay here. You go. Run.”
“Really.”
“Yes.”
“Okay. If that’s what you want. I mean, I could probably die or something, but you do you.”
He jerked his head up as he growled. “Die?”
I nodded solemnly. “Might trip over a tree root and break my neck. Or Ox could jump on me and crush my liver. Who the fuck knows?”
“Stupid Carter,” Gavin said.
“Stupid Carter,” I agreed.
“Know what you’re doing.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. So I’m just gonna go, I guess. Don’t know if I’ll ever come back, seeing as how I might be dead and all. If only there was someone out there who could have my back and—”
He put his hand over my mouth. “Stop talking. You make it worse.” His nostrils flared. “Fine. I’ll go. Stupid Carter always almost dies.”
He dropped his hand, shaking his head, muttering under his breath how stupid I was, how I never took care of myself. Ox looked taken aback when Gavin snarled at him and told him to keep his paws away from my liver.
“Do I even want to know?” Ox asked as Gavin stalked out of the house, leaving a trail of clothes behind him.
“Better do what he says,” I called over my shoulder, following Gavin out of the house.
I STOOD IN THE GRASS IN THE CLEARING. I turned my face toward the sky. The stars were bright. The full moon whispered in my ear. In the back of my mind fluttered the thought of where I’d been the last full moon, the hunters surrounding me, Gavin appearing out of nowhere, fangs and claws extended. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
I was home.
I was home.
I was home.
Hair sprouted along my face. My cheeks. My arms and shoulders.
My pack stood before me, watching. Waiting.
Gavin was next to his brother, eyes alight.
I opened my mouth and sang a song of homecoming.
It echoed in the forest around us.
Beneath my feet, the earth shifted, little pinpricks of heat pressing against my skin.
Ox’s eyes filled with a mix of violet and red.
Joe was the first to sing back to me. And in my head, faint though it was, I heard him say, BrotherLovePack i see you i hear you i love you run with me run with your packpackpack.
I fell to my hands and knees.
Claws grew from my hands and feet.
And I.
I
am wolf
am wolf and i am here
pack and pack and pack
they smell like me
they look like me
they love me
the witch says hey stop hey would you stop licking me
no i won’t
i like it
you smell like me now
overgrown mutts the witch says you big fuckin dogs
not dog
big fuckin wolf
rico wolf
rico wolf is laughing
i can feel it
i jump
jump on rico wolf
bite him
big fuckin wolf
kelly joe
brothers my brothers i love you i love you
kelly smells like me
joe smells like me
i smell like them
jessie on porch
says oh no you don’t carter i swear to god if you
i lick her too
ugh ugh she says ugh you suck
i sneeze on her
i hate you she says i hate you so much
she lies
her heart says she lies
don’t kick me jessie don’t kick me
mom pushes me stop pushing me mom i can
do it myself not a cub i am not a little
squirrel
there is a squirrel
die squirrel die
squirrel in tree
fuck you squirrel
gavin gavin gavin
chase me gavin
find me gavin
mark is running
with me
chris tanner
running
with me
all of us
packpackpack
sing our wolfsong
sing our ravensong
sing our heartsong
sing for all the world to hear
“GODDAMN,” RICO SAID, wincing as he climbed the steps, the hint of light on the horizon. He put his hand on his stomach. “Don’t tell me what I ate. I don’t want to know. I think it’s still kicking.” He belched loudly and grimaced. “Ugh. I think I have something’s hair on my back teeth.”
Jessie was at the door, handing us our sleep clothes as we walked in. She looked tired, but not so tired that it kept her from smacking me upside the head. “That’s for sneezing on me, you little bitch.”
I grinned at her.
The blankets were waiting.
The pillows thrown all over the floor.
I collapsed, putting my face into the pillows, breathing in the scent of pack and home. Kelly lay down next to me, yawning so wide his jaw cracked. Joe lifted my head before settling above me, letting me rest against his leg. The others came too, drifting in, blinking sleepily.
Bambi was upstairs with Joshua. I could hear their heartbeats above me.
Gavin stood off to the side, looking unsure.
I was about to call him over when Ox appeared beside him. He wrapped an arm around Gavin’s shoulders, pressing his forehead near Gavin’s ear. He whispered, “This is yours. This is your home. I know it pulls at you in your head, trying to take you away. I don’t know how loud it is, but I need you to remember. You don’t belong to him. You never have. You belong to me. To us. You’re our wolf. You’re our brother. Our friend. And no one can take that from you.”
Gavin closed his eyes, swallowing thickly.
For a moment I thought he’d turn and run.
He didn’t.
Instead he turned to Ox, arms hanging at his sides, his forehead against Ox’s.
He flashed his eyes. Violet.
Ox did the same in return. Fire and rage contained. He squeezed the back of Gavin’s neck. “Pack,” he whispered.
And Gavin said, “Pack.”
Ox stepped back.
Gavin turned to look at us.
I held out my hand for him.
He came.
He curled up next to me, his knees against his stomach, his head resting on my bicep. The others whispered quietly around us as we watched each other.
“You see?” I told him quietly. “I’m different here, yes. But I’m stronger too because I need to be. For them. For you.”
He reached up and traced my eyebrows with the tips of his fingers. “For them,” he whispered. “For me.”
Eventually we slept.
be better/these scars
When I woke, he was gone.
Panic clawed at my chest. I shot up, already struggling to wake, half-convinced that he’d left and I would never see him again.
A hand grabbed my arm. I looked down. Kelly brought a finger to his lips. He jerked his head toward the kitchen and tapped his ear.
Joe was snoring above me, still curled into Ox.
Mom’s head lay in Jessie’s lap, Jessie’s fingers in her hair.
Mark and Gordo were out on the porch.
Dominique was upstairs with Bambi and Joshua.
But it was Gavin’s voice I searched for the most. The sound of his heart.
And I froze when I heard it coming from the kitchen, surrounded by Chris and Tanner and Rico.
I looked down at Kelly again with wide eyes.
He was struggling not to laugh.
Rico was saying, “—and it’s pretty great, you know? I mean, being a wolf and all. You were human before, so you get it.”
“Yeah,” Gavin grunted. “Human before. Wolf now.”
“Right,” Tanner said. “You’re like us. Team Former Human. We were so badass. I mean, we still are, but you know what sucks? I picked up a fork the other day and it was real silver. It burned the fuck out of my hand. I mean, what the hell?”
“What the hell,” Gavin agreed. “Don’t like forks. Smell weird. Hands easier. Carter says I can’t, though. Stupid Carter.”
Kelly covered his mouth, eyes crinkling as he laughed.
“Exactly,” Chris said. “Fuck forks and stupid Carter. You get it. See? I knew you would. Hey, Gavin. I got a question.”
“Yeah,” Gavin said. “You do. All of you do. Question, question, question.”
“Uh. Yes? Anyway. So, like, do you remember everything? About when you were here before?”
“Not everything.”
“Oh. But, like, most things?”
“Yes. You farted a lot. Blamed it on me.”
“Jesus Christ,” I whispered.
“I knew it,” Rico crowed. “Fucking Chris. You’re so gross.”
“Whatever,” Chris said. “It was almost like we had a dog.”
“Not a dog,” Gavin said. “Wolf. Big bad wolf.”
“Yeah, yeah. Big bad wolf.”
Tanner snorted. “Okay, big bad wolf, you woke us up because you wanted to ask us something. Obviously you know we’re the best people in the pack to come to. Go for it.”
Gavin didn’t speak. I could imagine him scowling.
“Hey,” Rico said, and it was quieter. Gone was the bravado. He sounded kind. “It’s cool, papi. Whatever you want to ask us. Take your time. We’ve got you.”
“Yep,” Tanner said. “We’re here for you. You’re one of us.”
“That sounded creepy,” Chris said. “One of us. One of us.”
“Shut up,” Rico hissed. “You’re going to scare him away, and then Carter will kick our asses. You know how he—”
Gavin said, “I want. To be better.”
They fell silent.
Kelly slid his hand into mine. I held on for dear life.
“I have loud voices,” Gavin said. “In my head. Not always real. Long time, even before I was wolf. I heard them. It’s easier. To be wolf. Voices quieter. Can focus better. But can’t always be wolf.”
“Big, bad wolf,” Rico said quietly.
“Yes,” Gavin said. “Big bad wolf. But not big bad human. Harder. Need help. To be better human.”
“For Carter?” Tanner asked, and I held my breath.
“Yes,” Gavin said. “And for me. I talk funny—”
“You talk just fine,” Chris snapped. “And if anyone says otherwise, you tell me and I’ll make sure they know who they’re fucking with. No one talks shit about our pack and gets away with it.”
And Gavin said, “Carter says mate. I’m his mate. Important. To him.”
It was the first time he’d said it aloud. The first time he’d acknowledged this thing growing between us. Kelly must have felt me stiffen, because he turned into me, laying his head on my chest, my heart pounding in his ear. His breath was warm on my skin, grounding me, holding me down so I couldn’t float away.
“You are,” Rico said. “But it’s not everything. Even if you and Carter weren’t… you know. You and Carter, you’d still be here because we’d want you here.”
“Really?” and it was said with such fragile hope that I thought I would break apart.
“Yeah, man,” Tanner said. “Of course you would. One of us, remember?”
“You help me?” Gavin asked.
The others were silent, and I knew they were looking at each other. Then, “Anything,” Chris said. “All you have to do is ask.”
Gavin exhaled, and it was there, like the old-growth forest: his relief, green and thick. Oh, the undercurrent was blue, and I thought it might always be, but it didn’t seem to be as big as it once did. He said, “Make me a better human? Can’t remember. How to be good. Big bad wolf, but I want to be good.”
“Yes,” Rico said immediately. “Though you’re already pretty good to us as you are right now.”
“I know,” Gavin said. “But. There’s more. I want to do more.” He was nervous, and I had to restrain myself from getting up and going into the kitchen, to make him understand that he had nothing to worry about. Not now. Not today. Tomorrow, sure. We always had to worry about tomorrows.
I stayed where I was, trusting these men to know what was right.
“What did you have in mind?” Tanner asked. “Chris, you should take notes. Get everything written down.”
“Already on it,” Chris said. I heard him flipping through the notepad he always carried with him. “Go.”
Gavin said, “Clothes. I want. New clothes. I like being naked, but I can’t always be naked.”
Chris snorted. “Yeah, that’s a good place to start. I’m sure Carter won’t mind, but—”
“And Rico has good clothes,” Gavin said. “Dresses nice.”
“What?” Tanner said, sounding outraged.
“Hell yeah,” Rico said, and I could hear how smug he was. “You’ve come to the right place. Chris and Tanner would look like shit if it wasn’t for me. Gonna get you some threads, man. Fucking rock star over here.”
“Whatever,” Chris muttered. “You tried to make me wear snakeskin cowboy boots.”
Rico sniffed. “They looked awesome. Just because you don’t have good taste doesn’t mean you need to take it out on the rest of us.”
“We were thirteen!”
“I don’t,” Gavin said, and his voice was smaller. “Money. I don’t have money. I could… work. To earn it. Somewhere. I—”
“Don’t even worry about that,” Tanner said. “We’ll take care of it. We’re extremely wealthy, in case you couldn’t tell.”
“You are?” Gavin asked.
“Well… no. But the pack is. And I have no problem spending that money. I mean, it’s just sitting there. What else?”
“Haircut,” Gavin said promptly. “Long hair. Gets in my face. Hot.”
“Done and done,” Chris said, his pencil scratching along the notepad. I heard him set it down on the table. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yes,” Gavin said. “Questions, questions, questions.”
“Yeah,” Chris said, and I knew he was smiling. “All those questions. We tend to do that. You should have seen what it was like when Ox told us about werewolves and witches.”
“Bad?”
“Nah,” Tanner said. “It actually made sense, looking back. Gordo would always wear long sleeves, even in summer.”
“Weird white-boy arms,” Rico said.
Chris asked his question. “You really like him, huh? Carter.”
“Breathe,” Kelly whispered to me. “Just breathe.”
I closed my eyes and breathed.
Gavin said, “He’s stupid. Always almost dies. I protect him. He needs me. He is strong. And brave. But doesn’t take care of himself. Like he should. I can do that. For him. So he can be strong and brave. For everyone else. Big bad wolf. But I can be good human.”
My mother whispered, “Oh, oh, oh,” and it was filled with such love and joy that I thought I would drown in it.
Rico said, “Hey, I get that, man. I do. But you know you don’t have to change yourself for him, right? Or anyone, for that matter. You’re good just the way you are.”
“Maybe,” Gavin said. “But not just for him. For me too. It’s hard. Being human. But I want to learn again.”
“Well, then, you’ve come to the right place,” Tanner said, slapping his hands on the table. “We’ll take care of everything, even if you’re a liar by saying Rico dresses better than the rest of us. That’s just bullshit, man.”
“You’ll help me?” Gavin asked, and I ached at the surprise in his voice, like he couldn’t believe it was real.
“Of course,” Rico said. “We’d do anything for you, even if your asshole dad is trying to kill us all. You’re one of us.”
Tanner and Chris joined in. “One of us! One of us!”
“This is why,” Kelly whispered to me, and I put my hand in his hair, holding him close. “This is what it’s all about. This is why we always fight, no matter what comes at us.”
IT WAS AS IF GAVIN had lit a fire under the others. They didn’t want to wait. “Might as well give him what he wants,” Rico told us as Chris and Tanner took Gavin upstairs to get him ready. “It’s not like he asks for something every day.” He hesitated, looking at me. I was sitting with my back against the couch, Kelly’s head in my lap. “You all right with this? Don’t mean to steal him away from you. You can come too, if you want.”
