by Rose Pearson
“So, do tell me, Miss Brookes,” the viscount said, as they sat down at the table. “Do you like this part of the world? Have you never been inclined to visit London?”
As the first course was served, Katie looked up at the viscount and saw that he was regarding her with interest. “I have never once considered leaving here, my lord,” she replied, honestly. “Although you have, I understand, been to London on a few occasions. Tell me, it is as wonderful as everyone says?”
The viscount gave her a half smile, his eyes drifting away from her as though lost in memories. “It is not as wonderful as one might think, Miss Brookes,” he said, carefully. “I have been there for the season for a number of years but have never found it to be particularly exciting. It may be quite different for the number of eligible young ladies that attend every year but for myself…” He gave a small shrug, hesitating as he tried to find the right words to say. “It is not something that I find particularly engaging. Although, I am to attend London again for a few weeks very soon, for the little Season.”
“Oh.” Her heart suddenly began to race, filled with a sudden hope that she would not have to entertain the viscount’s company for too much longer. She would be able to tell her mother that Viscount Halifax had every intention of returning to London to secure himself a bride there, which would mean that she would be freed from the responsibility of attempting to secure his affections and, therefore, might allow her heart to consider Mr. Putnam again.
And then, she noticed that Viscount Halifax was, once again, looking towards Jane. Jane was still talking to George Grainger, even though he was sitting opposite her, her expression one of delight. What was it that caught his attention so? Was it Jane herself? Or was it that he wished to find the same kind of friendship and companionship that was so evident between Jane and George Grainger?
“That is,” the viscount said, with a heavy sigh, “I intend to return to London unless I can find something here that might capture my interest.” Slowly, his blue eyes turned away from Jane and back towards her, looking into her face with a great deal of intensity that took her breath from her chest. She did not know what to say, suddenly seeing in the viscount’s eyes exactly what it was he was looking for.
“I think, Miss Brookes, it might be wise for us both to converse for a time in private,” Lord Halifax continued when she said nothing. “Would you be willing to accompany me for a short walk tomorrow afternoon?” He gave her a small smile, glancing towards the windows, seeing nothing but darkness. “I know it is cold but I would like to be able to talk to you without any intrusion. Do you have a maid that you…?”
“I can ask my sister, if not our maid, Ettie,” Katie stammered, knowing that she could not refuse him this, else her mother would never forgive her.
“Then you will come?” he asked, with a small smile that lit his eyes. “You will take a walk with me?”
She could do nothing else but consent. “I will, Lord Halifax,” she replied, knowing that her parents would be utterly delighted with this news. “When should I expect you?”
As Lord Halifax gave her the particulars of when he would call and how long he thought the walk would be, Katie found herself lost in despondency. It was not Lord Halifax that she wanted to walk with, but rather with Mr. Putnam. She did not want to talk with Lord Halifax, but rather with Mr. Putnam. However, she was not to have what she wanted, it seemed. Mr. Putnam had made it quite clear that he was not able to continue with their acquaintance in the way that she wished and, as time had gone on, their friendship had become strained. It seemed she was to have to consider Viscount Halifax after all.
“Until tomorrow, then,” he said, his eyes alight as he smiled at her. “I am already looking forward to spending more time in your company, Miss Brookes.”
“As am I,” she lied, only just managing to return his smile. “Thank you, Lord Halifax. I am sure we shall have a very enjoyable afternoon together.”
Chapter Three
The morning air was cold, the frosty ground crunching under her feet, but Katie welcomed the chill. It seemed to bring a clarity to her thoughts, the peaceful morning air allowing her to think and feel all that was going on inside her heart and mind.
She did not want to walk with Lord Halifax. She did not want to see him again or spend any further time in his company, but what other choice did she have?
“Why can I not forget you?” she whispered aloud, her heart and mind suddenly fixed on the object of all her confusion: Mr. Samuel Putnam. She felt herself flush despite the coldness of the day, remembering how abrupt he had been with her, how quickly he had excused himself from her presence. Gone was their easy friendship, the hours spent talking and laughing together. With the death of his father had come a sudden and swift change in their relationship. It was no longer a friendship but rather a simple acquaintance, where he was her father’s steward and she the daughter of his employer. It had not been her choice to take a step back, but his. In the last year, she had begun to miss him terribly, to the point that she had suddenly come to the realization that she did not want to live her life without his presence.
To realize that she did, in fact, care for Samuel Putnam very deeply. It was an affection that she had hidden for some time but it had never one diminished. Not even for a single moment.
And yet now, here she was, contemplating courtship to another gentleman altogether.
“Miss Brookes!”
She stumbled, having been entirely lost in thought. Staring straight ahead, she saw none other than Mr. Putnam himself, one foot halfway over the stile as he remained quite frozen in place.
“Samuel,” she breathed before she could stop herself. “Oh, goodness. I mean, Mr. Putnam, of course.” Glancing away, she shook her head as though to clear it. “Forgive me.”
“You need not apologize,” he stammered, climbing down to the path. “We were friends for a long time, were we not?”
“We were,” she said, slowly, looking up at him. “I had thought we might still be, Samuel.”
There was something about saying his name aloud that burst open a dam of emotion within her. She could not help but walk closer to him, seeing the way his face flushed, and not just with the cold of the day. “Please,” she said, wanting desperately to be as they once were, walking arm in arm along this path. “We need not be like this, Samuel.”
He cleared his throat and looked away from her, his expression one of confusion and, she thought, pain. “I think it is for the best, Miss Brookes,” he answered, his hand going behind his back almost as though he had to force himself to remain apart from her. “The vicar is now my employer and that means –”
“What?” she interrupted, throwing her arms up high in the air as exasperation and frustration enveloped her. “What does it mean, Samuel? That you can no longer be my dearest friend? That you will no longer refer to me as ‘Kate’ in that way you once did?” Her eyes began to burn as the pain in her heart grew steadily, her hand reaching for him blindly. “Why are you turning away from me so, Samuel? I cannot understand it.”
She began to cry when he would not answer her. Tears fell like rain on her cheeks and she felt herself crumple within, as though her very heart had been ripped into tiny pieces. She had not confessed to him all that she felt but could not bring herself to say more, as though in doing so, she might shatter what little was left between them.
“Please don’t cry,” Mr. Putnam begged, although he did not touch her. “Please, Miss Brookes. I….” Trailing off, he hung his head as Katie watched him, her vision blurred.
“Can you not see how this has broken me, Samuel?” she whispered, wiping uselessly at her eyes with her small handkerchief. “I have never asked you to remove yourself from me and yet you have done so without any consideration for my heart.”
His head shot up. “Your heart?” he repeated, the air growing still between them as he stared at her.
Misery rifled through her, her hands falling uselessly to her sides. What did
it matter if she told him the truth? It would not mean anything to him, not when he was so unwilling to restore their friendship. He would not even speak her name, it seemed, insisting on using her formal title even though he had not done so before taking on his duties as steward.
“I have only realized it since we have been apart,” she said, hopelessly, her eyes fixed on the ground by his feet. “My heart will not let you go, Samuel. I do not care what my mother or my father want for me, I can feel nothing for any other gentleman of my acquaintance, aside from you.” Slowly, she let her gaze lift towards him, seeing the utter shock displayed across his features. “I have not known what to do, Samuel, but it seems that I cannot prevent my heart from holding you in a deep, unrelenting affection. Not even when I am meant to be pursuing a connection with another. Will you not consider my heart and what it has for you? Will you not consider my Christmas wish?”
He swallowed hard. “And what is that, Miss Brookes?” he asked, hoarsely.
She could barely get the words from her lips, such was the weight on her heart. “That we might no longer be parted with such a strange awkwardness between us?” she suggested, quietly. “That you might see my heart and see the happiness that might be between us, should you only allow it?”
For a few minutes, there was nothing but silence between them. Feeling weak and empty, Katie simply watched her childhood friend, taking in every part of his features as though she might never see him again. His kind eyes, always so warm and welcoming, were now covered in a sheen of complete astonishment. The way his sandy brown hair fell across his forehead, even though it was tousled by the cold wind. His red cheeks, his firm jaw, his broad shoulders, and strong back. His handsome features had not left her mind for some months, coupled with the fact that she knew his character to be one of kindness, of gentle tenderness and a strength of mind that, as far as she was concerned, could not be found in anyone else.
“Kate,” he breathed, taking a step closer to her and, to her surprise, taking her hand in his. “I do not know…..I had not thought….” He could not speak to her clearly, shaking his head in shock as he tried to gather himself. “How long have you felt like this?”
Hope rose within her like a blazing fire, sending strength into her limbs. “I do not know,” she confessed, reaching for him with her other hand, letting it rest gently on the lapel of his coat. “But can you not see just how much you mean to me, Samuel? I do not want to be without you.”
Samuel closed his eyes tightly, his jaw clenching. He appeared to be battling with himself, his fingers squeezing hers for a moment. Her heart began to thud wildly within her chest, her fears suddenly mounting.
“Would that I could stay with you,” he whispered, his breath tickling her cheek as his words sent deadly shafts into her heart. “I would give anything to be by your side, Kate, but you know that it cannot be.”
Her fingers curled around his lapel. “No, Samuel, do not say such a thing,” she begged, seeing his eyes filled with pain as he looked into hers. “You cannot mean it.”
“But I do,” he said, pressing her hand before letting it go. “You must marry another, Kate. Our time is at an end.”
Pain screamed through her and she shook her head, her breathing growing ragged. “I thought –” she stammered, refusing to let him go as her other hand wrapped around his neck, bringing them closer together still. “Did you not just state that you wished –”
“I ought not to have said such a thing,” he interrupted, trying to peel her hand from his coat. “It was foolish of me. I know that we were once friends, Kate, but I understand my place in this world.” His expression became desperate, as though pleading for her to understand. “It has become quite clear to me that what I might once have hoped for can never be.”
Her heart screamed with pain, seeing the truth in his eyes and yet feeling him move away from her yet again. There was, it seemed, some fondness for her in his heart but he was not allowing himself to feel it. He was refusing to pursue her, refusing to even consider that there might be a future for them – and she simply could not understand why.
“I must go,” he said, reaching to pull her hand away from where she held him. “Let me go, Kate. You must. You know you must.”
She shook her head, behaving in a way that she knew was entirely improper and yet quite unable to help herself. It was as though, in keeping him here, in holding him close, she might be able to convince him to reconsider. “No,” she whispered, looking up into his eyes and feeling him grow still as their eyes met. “I cannot, Samuel. Not when I need you to understand, when I need you to see the depths of my affection.”
“Oh, Kate,” he breathed, the fight suddenly leaving him as he dropped his hands. “You must know that there can be no future for us. I am nothing more than a steward, whereas your uncle is a viscount! Your father has come from a family of wealth and privilege. Your place is higher than mine and I cannot drag you lower simply because of what I feel or what I want.”
Those words were spoken calmly and yet Katie felt herself believing that they were not his words. There was a resignation in his eyes, a deep discontent that told her this was not what he wanted.
“Did my mother speak to you?” she asked, abruptly, seeing his eyes widen just a little. “Or my father? Is this why you are turning from what we might share together?”
There was a moment of silence, only for him to shake his head. “I know my place,” he said, sadly. “Go to your viscount, Kate. Be happy with him. Build a life with him and forget about me. I am not worthy of you.”
Her breathing stilled, her upset fading away with the shock of what he had just said. She could not tell whether this was what he truly believed or whether it was something that he had been forced to accept.
“That is not true, Samuel,” she whispered, pressing her hand against his cheek, seeing how his eyes closed as he fought not to lean into her touch. “I have never once thought of you in terms such as that. I cannot understand why you would believe such a thing.” When he did not answer, when he did not even open his eyes, Katie was struck by a fierce, tumultuous urge that began to rage all through her. She caught her breath, hearing a roaring in her ears as her heart quickened, butterflies flooding her stomach.
Trembling, she leaned forward, closing her eyes as she did so. She had never kissed a gentleman before and had never been kissed by one either, but the desire to press to do so was growing with every second that passed.
Her lips brushed his and she felt him shudder violently. Framing his face with her hands, Katie opened her eyes and looked up at him, intending to kiss him again – only for him to reach and catch her arms. Slowly, so slowly, he pulled her hands from his face as gently as he could, before stepping back.
She had lost him.
“Do not,” he whispered, as she reached to catch his hand again. “I cannot, Kate. As much as I may wish it, I….” He shook his head, a pinched look on his face. “Go to your viscount,” he continued, turning away from her. “I cannot be ‘Samuel’ to you anymore. I must be ‘Mr. Putnam’ and you must be ‘Miss Brookes’.” His eyes finally met hers, pain rifling through them both. “I hope that, in time, I may wish you happy with him,” he finished, his voice breaking with emotion. “Good day, Miss Brookes.”
Her heart tore. “Samuel,” she cried, her voice rending the air. “Samuel, please!”
He did not look at her but began to hurry away, never once stopping as he began to remove himself from her presence entirely. What had happened between them meant nothing. Samuel had not changed his mind even though he had confessed that he wished it could be otherwise. In stepping away from her, he had opened up a chasm between them, a chasm that she did not think could ever be filled.
She could not do as he asked. She could not forget about him, could not let him go from her heart. But if he was not to allow anything to blossom between them, then what was she to do? To go on, alone, in life, praying that they might one day find happiness together in spite of his
reluctance? Or was she to continue as she was, caving in to the pressure her mother brought to bear when it came to Viscount Halifax?
She wanted to sink to the ground, bury her face in her hands and sob until there were no more tears left. The cold air bit at her, forcing her feet to move. Confused and broken-hearted, Katie made her way back to the house, feeling more alone than she had ever done before.
Chapter Four
“Mama?”
Cautiously, Katie walked quietly into her mother’s bedchamber aware that her mother was recovering from what had been a very long and, quite frankly, rather indulgent evening. After her morning walk and her unexpected meeting with Samuel, Katie had found herself quite alone in the house, which she had not minded in the least. It had given her time to consider what was to be done, time to dry her tears and ensure that no-one would know that she had been crying. Having come to the conclusion that she could, at the very least, walk with Viscount Halifax as she had agreed, Katie had waited until the maid had come to inform her that her mother was awake before attempting to speak to her. After all, she knew that her mother would need to know about her upcoming walk with the viscount and would be greatly displeased to learn of it after it had occurred. As heart sore as she was, Katie did not want to have to endure another one of her mother’s rebukes.
“What is it, Katie?” her mother asked, leaning heavily back against her pillows, her eyes still closed. “I am not yet ready to rise and greet the day.”
Katie managed a small smile to herself at her mother’s turn of phrase, despite the anxiousness writhing through her. “Mama,” she said, carefully. “I spoke to Viscount Halifax last evening.”
Her mother opened one eye carefully. “Yes, I saw,” she said, slowly, looking a little less strained. “And has there been any progress?”
Nodding, Katie watched her mother as she suddenly sat up, now a good deal more interested. “We are to go out walking this afternoon, mama. I will take either the maid or Jane with me.”
