Back to the Start (Dangerous Love Book 4)

by Elle Keating

  Her nose was running and she was wiping away tears when he whispered, “Our baby.”

  Hearing him say those words made her cry even harder and she stepped toward him. She needed him to hold her, to feel him grieve with her, but instead he looked away and retreated, creating a hole in her heart that she feared would never close. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry that I lost our baby!” she cried.

  He snapped to attention, walked right up to her and gripped her shoulders. “Why didn’t you tell me, Morgan? Why?” he demanded.

  She was just about to tell him why she had made such a foolish decision all those years ago when he released her and stormed off. She watched him cross the street and enter his vehicle.

  He knew. He finally knew the truth. And just like she had feared, he had left her.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Jake

  He had driven around the streets of Philadelphia for at least an hour when he decided that enough was enough. He was pissing himself off. Coming up with theories as to why Morgan did what she did. He needed to talk to someone. That one person who would give it to him straight. His brothers never sugarcoated anything and would give him the God’s honest truth when asked for it. But his sister, the woman who had been Morgan’s best friend since forever was who he needed right now.

  Jake pulled up in front of Carina and Josh’s apartment building. He felt bad that he was coming by so late. Josh was a medical student and was either studying or getting caught up on sleep. Jake let the guilt run off his back and told himself that he would owe the man a beer. Josh answered the door at the first knock. Josh didn’t look at all surprised that Jake was paying them a visit at this hour, which was strange. “Hey, man. Sorry to barge in but I was hoping I could talk to Carina. Is she up?”

  “Yep, I’m awake.” Carina said, walking out of her bedroom with her cell phone in hand. She looked over at Josh and he nodded.

  “I’ll put on another pot of coffee.” Josh gave him a sad smile before disappearing into the kitchen.

  “Morgan called you, didn’t she?” Jake stepped into Carina’s apartment and shut the door behind him.

  “I just got off the phone with her.” Carina walked over, took his hand in hers and led him to the couch. “I’m so sorry, Jake. I didn’t know. Until a few minutes ago I had no idea about the baby.”

  Hearing Carina mention the baby made his heart ache. Why had she kept the baby a secret, not just from him but from the people she considered her family?

  As if she was reading his mind, Carina said, “Morgan is the toughest person I know. But when I was talking to her a few minutes ago, I hardly recognized the woman I had grown up with. She didn’t hold back or fight back the tears like she used to when we were kids. I sometimes wondered how she was able to do that, appear fierce and strong when faced with challenges that would instantly bring the rest of us to our knees.”

  Jake felt his mounting anger recede a little, allowing him to think about Morgan, the woman everyone had pegged wrong. Morgan could be vulnerable. She was capable of crying and showing emotion, but she chose who to bare her soul to. She had chosen him.

  “I’m worried about her, Jake. The anguish in her voice, the pain… she’s broken.”

  “Why didn’t she tell me about the baby? I would have taken care of her. I would have dropped everything and been there for her… for us.”

  “I know you would have. And so did Morgan. That’s why she did what she did. I don’t know if I would have been able to make the same selfless decision, especially at eighteen years old.”

  “Selfless?”

  Carina wiped her eyes and sat up straight. Josh appeared with two steaming cups of coffee and set them on the coffee table. Jake nodded in response to Josh’s sympathetic one and Carina’s fiancé left the room.

  “Think about what was going on in your life at that time. All eyes were on you. Scouts, the media. ESPN couldn’t get enough of you, the unstoppable college quarterback. And she knew that. She understood how important football was to you. She gave you up and withheld what I believe was the most devastating moment in her life so your dream could materialize.”

  The anger came rushing back, gripping him by the throat and he shook his head. “No. If she loved me like she said she did, how could she cut me out of her life, not read or respond to the letters I sent her? How could she go and marry someone else?”

  “She didn’t just hop in bed with the next guy who came along, Jake.” Her words stung, but this is why he had gone to Carina. She would tell him the truth no matter how much it hurt. “Morgan told me what her life was like the years after you two broke up. I didn’t believe her at first because I remember talking to her, even visited her a few times in Boston. She seemed fine, never letting on that she was struggling. But then the more I thought about it, the more I remembered how great she was at stuffing her emotions into that dark place she never allowed anyone to see, I realized she had put on the performance of a lifetime. Not just for me, I suspect, but everyone who knew her. She didn’t tell her mom about the baby until just recently, and Allison was privy to her secret simply because she was the one who had found her and had taken her to the hospital.”

  Jake knew he should care that Aunt Day was aware that he had impregnated her daughter, but right now he didn’t give a shit. What he was concerned about was what Carina hadn’t said. What did she not believe?

  “Morgan told me what she went through the years that followed her miscarriage. She had closed herself off from the world, busying herself with school, hockey and work, in that order. She had thought about going to a therapist to help her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Her depression and guilt had consumed her, so much so that she was struggling to take care of herself. It was in that state that she met Owen. He didn’t ask too many questions, didn’t probe too much when she appeared sad for no apparent reason. He simply asked to take care of her and because she had hit rock bottom she said yes.”

  Depression? Therapist? For Morgan to even consider going to a therapist, a complete stranger and share her feelings, she must have really been in a bad place. “Why did she feel guilty?” he asked.

  “Because she had lost the baby,” Carina said through her own tears.

  “I’m not a doctor, but it couldn’t have been her fault.”

  “The rational side of her knows that. She told me herself that the doctors all tried to comfort her, assure her that the miscarriage was not a result of something she did or didn’t do. But all the reassurance in the world didn’t stop the guilt from creeping in and taking over. She has wrestled with this, and is still battling it, even as we speak. As smart as Morgan is, she honestly believes she deserves the pain, especially when the fertility doctor had given her the news that the complications surrounding the miscarriage would make it difficult for her to conceive in the future. That was all the confirmation she needed that all this was her fault.”

  This was the ‘condition’ Morgan had spoken about the night they had gotten back together. A ‘condition’ he had helped cause. Morgan didn’t get pregnant all on her own. Because he had been reckless, because he had to have her that night under the stars, she had become pregnant with his child and experienced something so tragic that it nearly destroyed her. He was the one who should feel guilty, not her. He was the one who had taken her with no thought of the consequences. And she had paid dearly for it.

  Jake stood and started to pace the room. “I shouldn’t have left her tonight.”

  “I’m sure she understands why you did. You just found out that you lost a baby. No one would fault you for your reaction.”

  “I need to go to her,” he said.

  “She’s not home.”

  It was nearing midnight. Where the hell would she be? “Where is she?”

  “Not sure. I asked her to come over and spend the night here, but she told me that she had just dropped Duke off at Reagan’s and was heading to a place where she could be alone. I’m n
ot a therapist, but I think more time alone with her thoughts is the last thing she needs right now.”

  It took less than a second to know where Morgan was going. Her nook had been her sanctuary, the place she felt free to be herself. It was their place. Jake stood, grabbed his keys and gave his sister a kiss on the cheek. “I love you,” he said.

  “I love...wait, you know where she’s going?” Carina asked.

  “Pretty sure. I’ll text you when I find her,” he said.

  Carina gave him a hug and said, “I’m sorry about what happened… to the baby, to you and Morgan.” She stepped out of his embrace and said, “But I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Morgan weeks ago. You two have been given a second chance. Don’t let it slip away.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Good. Now get your ass moving,” she said, pushing him toward the front door.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Morgan

  “I hear him! He’s coming down the street!” Jake shouted. He tossed his Uno cards on the ground and ran toward that beautiful jingle. Morgan was losing big time anyway so she was happy Mister Softee interrupted their game. She followed after him to her front yard. There was already a lineup of kids stalking the ice cream truck at the curb. Jake was digging into his jeans’ pocket when she caught up with him.

  “What are you getting?” he asked, pulling out some dollar bills.

  “Um...I’m not hungry,” she said.

  “Are you sick? You never pass up ice cream.”

  The truth was she wanted a chocolate ice cream cone dipped in jimmies so bad she could taste it. But she didn’t have any money and she wasn’t going to ask her mom for some, not when her mom had trouble scrounging up enough money to get the phone turned back on again this week. “No, I just don’t want any.” Jake stared at her, which made her look away.

  She stayed by his side as he moved up in line. When it was his turn he ordered two chocolate cones with chocolate jimmies. “I said I wasn’t hungry.”

  “And you’re lying.” He paid for the ice cream and handed her a cone. She stuck her tongue out at him and then took a few licks of her ice cream.

  “Thanks,” she said as they walked back to the nook.

  “I mowed a couple of lawns last weekend...so, yeah.”

  The Uno cards were still scattered about the nook, right where they had left them. They sat down in the grass and got to work on their cones. Morgan started rounding up the cards when he said, “So, are you coming to my football game tomorrow?”

  The only time she missed his games was if she had a hockey game at the same time. And he knew that. But she didn’t mind teasing him a little. “Not sure I can come. I might be busy.” She wasn’t busy. She didn’t have a game tomorrow. And she was eleven, so not a lot going on in her life.

  He stopped mid-lick and looked at her. “Oh, okay. I mean, no big deal if you can’t.” His cheeks grew pink, which made her feel guilty for embarrassing him.

  Morgan laughed. “I’ll go to your game.”

  Jake picked up two cards and threw them at her. “Good,” he said, smiling.

  She tossed the cards back in his face. “Good.”

  Morgan smiled as she remembered that afternoon. How sweet Jake had been to buy her ice cream and how flustered he had been when he’d thought she might not go to his game and cheer him on. And how he had punished her for teasing him by whipping her ass in Uno for five consecutive rounds afterward.

  Morgan was happy that their home hadn’t sold yet. It was sitting there vacant, her nook untouched. She needed to get to her nook. To think. To remember. To be close to him the only way she could. Because he didn’t want anything to do with her right now.

  Morgan crossed over to the Jersey side and merged onto Route 42. Traffic wasn’t heavy at this hour but there were pockets due to construction. After a few minutes, she saw her last ‘Work Zone’ sign, and she maneuvered her red Honda Civic into the right lane. There were only a handful of cars on the road with her, but she kept her eye on the car behind her in the left lane. From the rearview mirror she noticed the driver was drifting into her lane and then abruptly swerving back into his. She thought about speeding up or slowing down. She didn’t know if the driver was drunk, texting, or falling asleep at the wheel, but whatever the reason was she didn’t want to be anywhere near him or her. Morgan played it safe and decided to pull over. She eased over to the shoulder and put her car in park. Morgan adjusted her side mirror and waited for the car to pass. The driver drifted over again into the right lane. But this time the driver didn’t swerve back. He just kept drifting.

  ***

  Jake

  He had been making good time, that was until he made it to Route 42. He couldn’t believe the traffic at this time of night. The cars were being diverted to one lane for some reason and moving at a snail’s pace. He watched an ambulance zip past him along the shoulder. Two police cars followed behind, which wasn’t a good sign. Jake turned on the radio and flipped to KYW 1060. This station rattled off the traffic report every few minutes so he would know what the hell was going on up ahead soon.

  But as he waited for the radio announcer to wrap up the weather report and get to the traffic, he suddenly grew uneasy. A wave of panic seized him as he wondered who was in need of that ambulance he had seen. Jake quickly dialed Morgan, but it went straight to voicemail.

  The line of traffic inched forward. At this speed he would be passing the accident up ahead in a few minutes. The radio announcer started with the traffic report. There was a five-car pileup on the Garden State Parkway a little over an hour from where Jake was. He continued to listen as his car crept along. And that’s when he saw the bright blue tarp. Which wasn’t something you ever wanted to see. Because tarp was often used to cover the deceased.

  Morgan is fine. She’s at the nook right now, probably freezing her ass off as she gazes at the stars, but she’s just fine.

  He drove a few more feet, which allowed him to see past the tarp. He saw a white SUV on its side. The windows had been blown out.

  It’s not Morgan. She’s fine.

  He breathed a sigh of relief, but it was cut short when he spotted a second vehicle. The red four-door sedan was completely off the shoulder and positioned in the wrong way. As if it had been hit with so much force that it made the car do a one eighty.

  No. No. Fucking no!

  He put his car in park and got out. A policeman yelled at him to get back into his car because he was holding up traffic, but he didn’t give a fuck. He immediately ran over to the back of the car.

  Please don’t let it be her. Please!

  There it was. On the right side of her bumper. Her I kissed a dog and I liked it! bumper sticker. He was going to be sick. He ran over to the same policeman who had yelled at him and begged him to tell him where the woman in the red Civic was. He pointed to the ambulance and started to say something, but Jake was already halfway to the vehicle. “Morgan!” he screamed.

  “Sir, you need to stand back.” A second policeman stepped in front of him, preventing him from getting a good look into the back of the ambulance.

  “Please...that’s my girlfriend in there!” He tried to push past the policeman, but the man was built like a tank and didn’t budge. The ambulance doors shut and he once again tried to barrel through the man. Jake screamed as the ambulance started to pull away, but the sirens drowned him out.

  “Get in the car. I’ll take you to Cooper Hospital,” the officer said. Jake nodded and slipped into the backseat of the police car. The officer turned on his siren and followed the ambulance.

  “I can’t lose her,” he said over and over again. Jake’s hands shook. He was on the verge of hyperventilating.

  “Son?” the officer asked.

  Jake grabbed his hair with both hands and bent over until his elbows touched his knees. “I just got her back. Please God!”

  “Son… I need you to stay with me right now. For her sake.”

  That got his atten
tion.

  Jake sat up and peered at the man in the rearview mirror. “What’s your name, son?”

  He swallowed hard and tried to calm his breathing. “Jake.”

  “Jake, does your girlfriend have any family?”

  She had so many people who loved her. But her mom. Morgan was Aunt Day’s world. “Yes, sir.”

  “Well, okay then. I think you should call them, tell them that she’s being taken to Cooper.” The officer locked eyes with Jake in the mirror. “Because she’s going to need her family… and their prayers.”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Jake

  Trembling fingers laced his as he looked around the hospital waiting room. The nurse who had told him to calm down and offered to take his blood pressure when Jake had first arrived flashed him a sympathetic smile. He had been yelling at the EMTs, asking them if Morgan was going to be okay, begging them to let him go wherever they were taking her, when the nurse and a security guard basically dragged him away.

  That was four hours ago.

  Four hours and still no word.

  Carina squeezed his hand. “She’s a fighter. She’ll make it through this.”

  Jake looked at his sister. Her eyes were swollen, like everyone else’s in the private waiting room. Allison, Josh and Reagan were sitting across from him staring into space, probably trying to figure out how to get out of this nightmare. Gabe, Brennan and Luke formed what could only be described as a huddle around Morgan’s mom. She had been a mess when she and Ken came bursting through the ER doors. Jake’s mom and dad had been waiting at the airport for Aunt Day and Ken’s flight to arrive. His parents had given them the horrific news and then had come straight to the hospital.

  Ken and Jake’s dad were sitting off in the corner talking, but Ken never took his eyes off Aunt Day. Jake’s mom sat down next to him. “Our girl is not going to be pleased when she finds out how much fuss we’re making.” Jake tried to smile at his mom, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.