by J. K Harper
She said the words casually, and they were nothing new. They'd both been very clear about that from the beginning. Even so, silence descended again. Outside her apartment, a few cars whooshed down the streets. An owl called from the trees across the way, its deep hoots indicating the lateness of the hour. Tanner's eyes were dark, once again fixed on hers because he'd shot his gaze back up to her when she spoke. Yet his face stayed composed, as still as hers.
Deep inside, Jordyn's wolf whined, sidling forward on her belly to the front of Jordyn's mind, still staring out longingly through Jordyn's eyes at Tanner and the dark wolf hidden deep in his own gaze.
Finally, Tanner took a deep breath, then pulled his hand out from under hers to put it onto her back again. With his other hand, he gently tugged her down so she lay on his chest again, breaking their eye contact. His heart beating a strong, steady rhythm beneath her ear, he said simply, "Yes. We did agree on that."
Silence wrapped around them again for a long time until Jordyn finally dropped off into a fitful sleep, disturbed by dreams of her wolf prowling through empty forests, calling out again and again but never getting an answer.
4
Tanner's and Zach's footfalls slapped out along the sidewalk as the sun broke over the ridge on the east side of town. The autumn morning was chilly, promising that snow would be here sooner than later, but both were clad in T-shirts. Even if they hadn't been running, they wouldn't have noticed the cold. The higher metabolism of wolf shifters insured that they didn't feel cooler temperatures as much as humans.
Breath puffing out a faint white, Zach said again, "But seriously. Isn't it rainy in Seattle every damned day? I don't understand how wolves can live there. Their hides must just rot away."
Tanner ignored his friend and glanced down at his watch. "Five more minutes and we head back to the station."
Zach nodded. Their shift started in an hour. They had enough time to get back to the station house to shower and eat breakfast when Gerald got on shift. Gerald, one of the human firefighters, was also a wannabe chef. He practiced his most excellent recipes on the very willing guys at the station. It was something none of the guys liked to miss when they were on shift. Everyone made sure they were ready to eat, forks and knives in hands, the second Gerald put out food. The only time that ever went awry was if they got called before they could dig in. Hopefully, that wouldn't happen today.
Zach was relentless. "Being soaked by rain all the time?” He shook his head. “That's just not natural.”
Tanner shrugged as they ran around the corner and headed up to the top of the hill that was the usual halfway point on their routes. "I like all the guys at the station there. They're cool. Plus the local pack will accept me. I've already had that conversation with its alpha."
After a pause, Zach said, panting very slightly as they tackled the hill, "What about your pack here? The Black Mesa Pack is your pack.” A touch of irritation framed Zach's voice as he said it. “And what about your dad? I'm betting he's not happy to lose you again."
Tanner shoved out a hard breath. "Why does everyone keep asking me about him? He's fine. He's a grown ass wolf. He's got one adult kid here to babysit him as needed. He doesn't need us both around."
They ran down the middle of a quiet residential street that had no sidewalks. Zach snorted. "I highly doubt he needs a babysitter. How long has he lived there by himself now? I'm pretty sure he's got his life figured out by now. Besides, he's got backup if he needs it. If he wants it," Zach added more quietly.
Tanner snapped his head around to give Zach a look. Calmly, Zach turned his own head to look back at him. Although neither one of them was an alpha wolf, they both ranked high enough that each one was fairly dominant anyway. They'd also known one another since they were cubs. Zach wasn't about to back down.
Looking forward again so he wouldn't run into a curb or something, Tanner growled to himself. First Jordyn, now Zach. What the hell. They were treating him like—
"You treat me like I'm a pack mate.” He snarled, even as his wolf protested. “But I'm not. The local pack here,” he emphasized the words to indicate his distance from it, even though the Black Mesa pack had raised him, “and the alpha are totally fine about me going to Seattle. And yes, my father is doing damned fine on his own as well. He chose his life, and he lives it okay by himself."
Even as he said the words, Tanner's wolf gave a somewhat sorrowful snarl in his mind, pacing. His father's life hadn't actually been a choice. Not really.
Turning down another street, they kept up their steady pace as they headed back into town and toward the station. Undeterred, Zach went on. "That may be true. But I've always considered you a friend. Even when you behave like a jackass."
This time Tanner snorted, but the tension of the moment loosened.
"What about Jordyn?” Zach's tone probed. “Can't imagine she's taking this very well."
Tanner snapped his gaze back to Zach again. "Jordyn is fine with this decision." His voice went colder than the air. "She and I have an understanding. No one's going to be hurt."
"Really? That's not what I would have thought." Zach puffed as they picked up the pace.
"Why do you say that?" Despite himself, Tanner's wolf lunged forward in his mind, eagerly flipping images of Jordyn's sleek, beautiful wolf at him.
"Because," Zach said with exaggerated patience, dodging a car parked in its driveway with its tail end hanging out on the sidewalk, "the way she looks at you says otherwise."
Tanner's wolf whined, scrabbling at his mind. He thumped his tail in agreement. No, Tanner thought immediately. It's not enough to make a difference. His wolf snarled at him.
He was getting damned tired of his wolf getting mad at him all the time lately. Better off alone, he muttered.
Better off with pack and mate, his wolf retorted.
Tanner ground his teeth at the words. At the feelings the word mate brought up in him. "She looks at me like that just because she and I know how to have a good time together." Tanner forced his voice to stay light, even though he respected Jordyn a hell of a lot more than it sounded like. "We enjoy each other's company. We have similar interests. That's all."
Zach's loud guffaw of laughter startled a woman wheeling her trashcan drown her driveway. Waving apologetically at her, he said to Tanner, "Yeah, buddy. If you say so."
"I say so," Tanner said. He was unable to keep the sudden, fierce growl of his wolf out of his voice.
Startled, Zach shied away from him, then laughed. "Yeah. Also proving my point about the other thing."
"What other thing?" Tanner said suspiciously.
"The part where you look at her the same way she looks at you." Zach tone was matter-of-fact yet sharp.
Tanner remained silent for several streets as they neared the fire station. Finally he muttered, "It doesn't matter. Even if we were mates, which we are not, I am not good mate material. At all. You know that. All the wolves here know that," he added sharply.
Their backs to the sun as it rose completely over the ridge and flooded Durango with early light, they made a final turn and headed down the street to the station house where the promise of hot showers and a really good breakfast awaited.
Quietly, Zach said, "That doesn't have to be true. You don't have to end up like your father."
Mid stride, Tanner stopped dead. His wolf obviously alerting him to sudden danger, Zach stopped as well, spinning around to face Tanner. But of course he didn't bow down in the face of Tanner's bright flare of anger. Instead, he said forcefully, “Being a lone wolf is a choice, Tanner. It's awful, what happened to your dad. To you. Your whole family. Nothing will ever make that not horrible.” His voice was as steady as the gaze he planted on Tanner. Not backing down an inch from the truth he said. “But you also deciding to be alone for the rest of your life isn't going to bring them back. It'll just make everything worse for you over time."
Fists clenched at his sides, Tanner struggled to control himself. His wolf, completely
agitated by the flurry and mix of emotions swirling around, growled and snapped inside him. Looking for something to rip into. To slice open with deadly claw.
Zach advanced a step toward Tanner, finger pointing at Tanner's chest. "See that? That's what I'm talking about right there. You getting angry. You burn it off at the fights, you burn it off on the job, and you get yourself in trouble by letting your temper get out of hand. But a wolf like Jordyn? Do you even realize what she does for you, man?"
Tanner felt his breath slicing out of him as Zach leveled his glare directly at Tanner. Yes. He knew exactly what Jordyn did for him.
"She soothes you. Classic beauty soothing the beast stuff. It sounds stupid corny, but it's legit. Dammit, Tanner," Zach snapped when Tanner still refused to answer, matching him glare for glare. "You don't have to be a lone wolf. You don't have to make that your choice. Why won't you face the fact that Jordyn's your—"
The fire station alarm, barely half a block away, blared out shockingly loud through the morning air.
"Dammit," Tanner muttered, brushing past Zach to sprint for the station house with Zach hot on his heels. It didn't matter that their shift didn't start for another twenty minutes, they would still be on this call. Unshowered and unfed.
In Tanner's case, also wildly enraged, confused, and definitely looking for something to take it out on. Might as well be the flames of another devastating fire.
You don't have to be a lone wolf. Zach's words lingered in his mind as they barreled into the station and raced for their respective lockers. You don't have to make that your choice.
One thing Zach didn't understand, could never understand, was that it was a choice. And it was a choice that Tanner would willingly make, even if it meant losing Jordyn and her sexy laugh, her understanding eyes, and the rich depths of her heart that even he and his pigheadedness acknowledged was the one thing he was really running from.
It was the only choice he could make to save her from his own damaged self: a broken wolf who could never give her the love she really deserved.
5
"Wait, then he said what—oh! The baby kicked. Quick, Jordyn, you'll be able to feel it." Lia grabbed Jordyn's hand and placed it on her bulging stomach. Jordyn tensed for just a second, but she couldn't let down her sister-in-law. Lia's face glowed with the excitement and anticipation that seemed typical to all new mothers-to-be.
Letting her hand relax on the side of Lia's wide expanse of belly, Jordyn waited. Suddenly, a distinct ripple bumped beneath her hand. Startled, she jerked her hand back, gasping. Lia laughed, as did Connor, Jordyn's brother and Lia's mate.
"Put your hand back and keep it there. He'll do it again." Connor's face shone with the same sort of excitement as Lia's. Jordyn rolled her eyes at herself for her own silliness, her wolf snuffling at her to keep her hand there. Her wolf wanted to feel it, too.
Again, the bizarre ripple fluttered over Lia's stomach, beneath Jordyn's fingers. "It's amazing," she whispered, watching the ripples with fascination. "I am so happy for you both." She said that with utter sincerity. Connor and Lia had traveled a somewhat rocky path together. But they were now both very happily ensconced together here in Durango, building a life filled with joy. Building a life filled with one another as dedicated mates.
Connor leaned forward to soundly kiss his mate on the lips. Jordyn sat back in her chair, biting her lip at the tender scene. Yes, she was very happy for them both. Then why did seeing their joy highlight the abrupt sense of emptiness in her life?
"You must be excited, too, to be auntie Jordyn." Lia smiled over at Jordyn. "But don't think I won't fight you both on the path this little one takes," she added in a teasing tone, shaking her finger at both of them. "I may be outnumbered by the doctors in this family, but I'm really good in the courtroom. If this little boy," her other hand curled protectively across her stomach, "ends up being anywhere near as good a debater as I am, I'm steering him straight into a life practicing law."
It was a common, silly little family argument that was totally in jest. Even so, Jordyn played along as always. "I'm only an EMT, not a doctor.”
"Without EMTs," Connor said firmly, "doctors would lose a lot more patients before they ever even got the chance to see them. Your job is just as important as mine, Jordyn."
This time, Jordyn softly snorted. "Yes, oh golden child brother dearest." Connor mock thumped her on the shoulder as Lia laughingly admonished them to settle down. Connor had always been drawn to helping those who were weaker, less powerful, and hurting. He ran a low-income clinic in town for the poorer residents. It didn't matter that nearly all his patients were human. Connor wanted to save everyone he came across.
"Anyway," Lia picked up the topic she'd begun before the kicking baby interrupted them, "I thought Tanner enjoyed being here. He specifically left Seattle to come back to his home pack again, right? To help out his father, or something like that." Like Jordyn, Lia and Connor lived in town, away from the heart of goings-on at the pack den, which also housed most pack members. Lia was also an attorney with a very busy schedule. Although it had lightened somewhat during her pregnancy, and of course she'd be taking a leave of absence for the birth, she'd never been deep in the mix of things as far as pack intrigue and gossip, especially not old information. She didn't know Tanner's history the way Jordyn and Connor did, who'd been part of the Black Mesa pack their whole lives.
An uncomfortable silence descended. Lia, realizing she'd stepped into something, immediately began to apologize. Jordyn shook her head. "It's okay." She glanced at Connor, who sighed. Slowly, Jordyn went on. "We were very young pups when it happened. The adults didn't talk about it very much, then or now, but we knew what had happened. Some of the survivors came to live with our pack."
Lia's eyes had widened. "Survivors?"
Jordyn took a breath. Nodding, she went on. "Tanner's pack. The Abajo pack, a few hours west of here.” She waved vaguely in that direction. “When he was very young, it was attacked by rogue wolves."
Lia's face paled. Rogue wolves often were responsible for terrible battles and deaths. They were never trusted.
"They killed the majority of the pack. The youngest survivors were sent to our pack to live for a while until their pack could regroup and figure out what to do." She shrugged, the shiver of old tragedy winnowing through her even though it had happened so long ago. "Tanner, his sister, and their father were on a camping trip when it happened. The rest of his family was killed.”
Clutching her hands in a protective, subconscious gesture over her belly, Lia simply nodded, her face stark.
“His father kept him and his sister with him,” Jordyn went on. “They left the area. They traveled all over the country, never staying anywhere longer than several months. I think they lived as their wolves a lot of the time. When they were old enough to just about take care of themselves, I think around eleven and twelve years old, he decided they needed more stability. He sent them back to our pack. Tanner and Tessa are actually related to the alpha's family, distantly. They stayed with Black Mesa until they were allowed to strike out on their own.” According to pack law, wolves could be on their own starting at sixteen years of age. “His sister stayed here and ended up mating with one of the other surviving wolves from her old pack. They live back there now. Tanner—"
She took a breath. Her wolf whined in her mind, sending image after image of Tanner as his wolf, his fierce growls lifting one lip. Guarding himself against the world. Slowly, she finished, "He bounced around again. He'd decided he wanted to be a firefighter. He—"
She stopped again. A hard knot had formed in her throat. Her brother, sensing she couldn't say it, finished for her.
"When the rogues attacked Tanner's home pack, they apparently were trying to take female wolves. For mates.” Lia nodded at that, her face grim. Rogue wolves were nearly always male. To reproduce, they had to mate with female wolves, as human women could not carry a wolf shifter's child to term. “Tanner's mother was an alpha, and sh
e fought bitterly. Along with most of the pack, she barricaded herself and her two other sons into the main pack den.” Connor's voice uncharacteristically hardened before he said the worst part. “The rogues blocked all the exits and set the place on fire. Everyone still inside burned to death."
Lia gasped in absolute horror. Connor, sitting beside her around the kitchen table where the three of them had just finished eating lunch, put a strong arm around her shoulders and gently pulled her to him. "Those rogues were all eventually caught, tried for their crimes, and executed. But it destroyed the pack. The Abajo Pack exists again now, started up by Tanner's sister and her mate and a few others, but it's a small adjunct pack under the protection of the Black Mesa Pack. It never regained its footing as a full pack on its own again."
Silence held them for a long moment as each wolf internally imagined the horror endured by other wolves so many years ago. Tense just thinking about it, Jordyn drummed her fingers on the table, her wolf making restless, agitated circles inside her. Tanner hadn't been there when it happened, but the knowledge of what had happened to his mother and brothers, to his other packmates, had haunted him throughout his life. She knew it still did.
After another several moments, Lia said in a thoughtful voice, "It makes sense, then, what he does."
Jordyn nodded. "Yes. It makes all the sense in the world. And he really is good at his job.” She couldn't help the pride that sounded in her voice. “He's rescued many lives."
Lia shook her blonde head, her eyes gentle as she fixed Jordyn with a look. "No, not just that. Though I know he's a wonderful firefighter.” She smiled at Jordyn for a brief moment, then let her face fall back into more serious lines. “What I mean is, it makes sense why he always leaves. Everything and everyone he really knew from his puphood was lost, and then his father took him and his remaining sibling on the road for an itinerant life. All of that created his rootlessness. He never stayed anywhere very long because of it.” Her voice went very soft as she added, “Creating a true bond with someone is too painful. He knows he might lose them."
