by J. K Harper
Connor, keeping a protective arm around his mate, slowly nodded in agreement. But Jordyn frowned at them both. "I think it's more practical than that. He doesn't get along with the chief at the station here. His sister is mated and settled, so she doesn't really need him around. And his father is a lone wolf who doesn't really want other wolves around much. So,” she shrugged, trying hard to ignore her wolf's irritated huffs, “I don't blame him for wanting to go back to Seattle. It's a fresh start. He'll be okay." She echoed Tanner's own words despite the knots in her throat having moved down to her stomach.
Connor opened his mouth, but Lia beat him to it. "I know you were badly hurt by someone you thought was your mate, Jordyn." The stark, no-nonsense words were softened by her understanding tone. She knew Jordyn's history. She'd already been living here with Connor when the biggest shame of Jordyn's life had happened. "But believe me when I say that sometimes, we do have to take a chance on love, real love, and simply trust that it will work out." She looked at Connor, her glance filled with the joyous richness of their own story together.
Jordyn frowned again, her wolf pacing in her mind. She'd been terribly hurt, and made a fool of, and the pain had charted her future course with men. "You're right," she admitted in a low voice. "I'll be the first to say the thought of getting hurt again scares me.” Terrifies me, she couldn't quite admit out loud. “But Tanner's not my mate, and I'm not his. He's free to be rootless."
Her wolf howled so sharply in her mind that both Lia and Connor blinked, instinctively leaning back from her. Lia quickly smiled again, however, her sharp eyes missing nothing. "I'd say your wolf doesn't agree. Listen, you know I'm the first one to say that I don't believe a woman should drop everything to follow the man she loves." She rubbed her hand up and down Connor's arm as he snorted in good-natured agreement. "But with your background and training, you'd get a job in Seattle no problem. Have you thought about just telling Tanner that you'll go with him?"
Jordyn tightened her lower jaw a little bit even as her wolf still huffed around in her mind. Lightly, she answered, "Could be a good idea. Maybe I'll try that."
They didn't need to know the truth. That Tanner didn't want her coming with him. Despite her wolf's howl of protest, Jordyn firmly held onto that knowledge. He didn't want her. That was the truth, and she had to accept it.
Even if it shattered her silly, ridiculous, still incredibly vulnerable heart.
6
Tanner loped through the sagebrush, the squat little pinyon pines, the spindly junipers. Early afternoon, and it was a gorgeous day. Perfect for running through the foothills of the wild, remote Abajo Mountains of his puphood. He'd been moving at a steady pace for the past half hour, simply wandering through the uninhabited area that sprawled out around the home base of the small Abajo wolf pack. The two-hour drive from Durango had been an impulsive decision that morning. He'd woken up alone, because even though he'd spent the night tangled into the warm lusciousness that was Jordyn, she'd left very early for her morning shift, while he was off today. He missed the sensation of her body next to his. He missed knowing that she would not be there when he moved to the far away place where his human had found a new job.
He already missed the cool, collected, devastatingly beautiful wolf he wanted at his side for all the rest of his days. The one he knew without a doubt belonged there. Deep inside his mind, his human gave an irritated grumble. But Tanner ignored him, shoving him into a dark corner of his mind. He was in charge right now. In his wolf shape, he was running free through the hillsides and free to think about whatever he chose. About whomever he chose.
Even as he let the image of Jordyn as her wolf fill his mind, the other reason why he'd decided to come out here today rapped at him like sharp little pellets. Stride lengthening as his paws hit the ground ever harder, he let the high, dry desert climate fill his senses. Every deep inhale he took flooded him with the memories of his youth. They were tangled, sometimes shimmering just out of reach. The rogue attack on his native pack and family had occurred when Tanner was barely five years old, his sister not quite seven. Immediately afterward, he and the other surviving young ones had been taken to the Black Mesa wolf pack outside of Durango. Then just weeks after that, his father had plucked him and Tessa out of the tenuous normalcy there and hauled them along an itinerant life on the road for years. His memories of this place, his first home, were sparse. Yet at the same time they were also very strong.
Tanner shook his head. Dwelling on the less positive parts of his history did him no good. It was a part of his life. Part of what had made him. Just like the rogue attacks in the first place that had stripped him of mother, of two older brothers, of nearly his entire pack.
It was what made him who he was today. Driven, still angry, strong. Stronger than so many other wolves. Also, he could easily acknowledge to himself in this form, shut off. Closed.
Fearful, even.
Roaring up from the back of his mind, his human shouted, Bull! Fear is weak. I run into burning buildings and save people's lives. That's not weakness, that's strength.
Unperturbed, Tanner immediately shot back at his human, Then why go far from here without Jordyn? He pictured her sleek, beautiful dark brown wolf. Why leave her here? Must stay with her, and with pack. Should not leave.
His human grunted, the sound a mixture of disagreement and quiet uncertainty.
Home, Tanner whispered to his human with a slightly melancholy note. He always loved the scents out here. The sight of the mountain, currently draped in its colorful autumn glory, made him happy. Mostly because of Tanner's job, he lived in Durango rather than here, although he could claim the Abajo pack as his home pack if he wanted to. But the Black Mesa Pack had taken him in when he was a pup, and they had welcomed him back now, so he owed them a debt of gratitude and loyalty. Since the Abajo pack was an affiliate pack of the Black Mesa pack and he was an original member of it, he was free to move around the whole area without needing special dispensation from the Black Mesa Alpha, Channing Bardou. Yet also because of his long work shifts, Tanner rarely came out here to visit the small remnants of his native pack, led by his sister and her mate.
Or his father, who lived in a small, isolated dwelling outside the territory of either pack. Living as a lone wolf in unclaimed lands that straddled the Colorado and Utah borders. A life he had chosen after years of grappling with his devastating sorrow at the terrible loss of his mate and two of his pups.
That, Tanner quietly thought at his human, is fear. But he had no censure for his sire. It was a simple fact. His human didn't answer, although waves of irritation laced with his own sorrow shivered through his mind. His father had decided to never again take a mate. Tanner knew it was a conscious decision. Just as Zach had said.
Zach, his human muttered, though it was tinged with deep affection for his lifelong friend. He always likes to be right about everything.
Zach is friend, Tanner amiably thought back, still calm as he slowed down to a trot, lifting his head to sniff the air currents. It smelled like deer. Perhaps he could hunt while he was out here, and help chase away some of the demons that rattled his human.
A hunt would be good, his human agreed. A quick image of Jordyn as her wolf, prowling through the sagebrush and pinyons beside him, carefully stalking the trail of the deer, floated through Tanner's mind with another whiff of sadness.
Huffing again in irritation at his human's reasoning—reason is how we have to live in this world, his human muttered at him—Tanner edged closer to the line of junipers where they started to melt into taller pines, among which the deer were resting in the daytime light.
Fighting not from reason, he logically pointed out to his human, sending an image of the shifter fight rings and bloodshed. Fighting driven by instincts.
Fighting helps me get rid of the anger so that I don't make anything worse, his human lightly retorted, looking out through Tanner's eyes at the thickening forest ahead.
Jordyn helps get rid of the
anger, Tanner whispered in reply.
This time, there was no answer from his human. Keeping an image of Jordyn pressed next to his side, lending him solid strength and love sheerly by her unwavering belief in him, Tanner focused on the hunt at hand. This was simple. This was easy. This was how all things should be.
I wish that was true, his human quietly whispered. I really wish that was true.
Quietly, Tanner paced on, silent and alone into the woods. The deer ahead of him, a buck, still hadn't caught his scent. On stealthy paws, deliberately pushing away thoughts of all other things, he slunk lower to the ground as he stalked the creature. Nibbling on an aspen leaf, the buck, a young two-point, caught a slash of sunlight across its haunches. Hide dappling as the sun played through the whispering leaves and needles on the mix of conifers, the creature was unaware of Tanner's approach.
Not very smart, his human murmured.
Tanner slowed a bit more. He didn't like to hunt if it wasn't a fair game. Deliberately, he placed a heavy paw down on a crisp leaf. It rustled with a sharp noise in the stillness of the day. The buck whipped his head around, frozen in place, a tiny piece of green leaf sticking out the corner of his mouth. Staring straight at Tanner, he became a statue.
Much better. Very slowly, Tanner crept forward one step, eyes fixed on the deer's. This time, the buck saw him. With a springing leap that would be the envy of a gymnast, or so Tanner's human observed, the creature pivoted and bolted away to the west. Tanner crouched down so he too could spring off his paws—then about had heart failure when something from behind him reached out to smack his side.
Jaws open, snarling and growling in a choking cry born of being startled, he whirled around, ready to do battle if necessary. A large, rather grizzled older wolf sat behind him, paw still raised from where he had whacked Tanner in the ribs. A grin peeled back his lips, his tongue hanging out in amusement at having gotten the drop on his son.
Pulse hammering, Tanner uttered a snarl of disgust at himself for having been so oblivious he had not noticed the older wolf come up behind him. Then again, his father always had been one of the quietest, most stealthy wolves Tanner had ever known. It was a good part of why he'd survived as a lone wolf as long as he had.
Aiden Canagan shook his silvering head at Tanner. "That was fun. Also careless of you,” he added. “I could've had deer for dinner as well as bragging rights for having taken down a big wolf such as yourself. You didn't tell me you'd be coming out here," he added, sounding unconcerned. Tanner had visited a scant handful of times since he'd returned to Durango. He never gave a heads-up, since it usually was an impulsive decision, just as it had been this morning.
Shaking off his annoyance at having let his father sneak up on his unwatchful self, Tanner gave the wolfish equivalent of a shrug. Glancing in the direction the deer had run, knowing the creature was probably at least a mile away by now, he turned and started down the ridge line south. As his father fell in beside him, Tanner said, "I didn't know what I was doing till I got up this morning. I just decided I wanted to see this place again before—"
He snapped the words off. He hadn't told his father yet that he was leaving. Both Zach's and Jordyn's questioning of that decision hung over him with slight accusation. He slipped a cautious glance at his father beside him. His father kept slowly jogging alongside him, eyes fixed on the rise of the hill ahead of them. But his left ear was flicked in Tanner's direction. Listening intently. Tanner huffed out a breath. His father needed to know of his decision.
"I wanted to come back out here and see it one more time before I leave." Tanner's voice pitched low. His own ambivalence about that decision showed in his tone. His human grumbled, but Tanner stayed firm in his skepticism that leaving was the right choice.
No startled reaction from his father. Instead, Aiden simply said, "The view from that little knoll right there is pretty good. Let's sit a minute and enjoy it."
In silence, they covered the last quarter-mile up the scrubby hillside that jutted out with its junipers and pinyons just ahead of where a wall of towering conifers spread out over the higher reaches of the mountain. The view was indeed astounding. It revealed an almost endless expanse of flats and canyons of the desert land below them, reaching far east and south to the rise of Sleeping Ute Mountain. Lifting proudly in the northeastern horizon, the San Juans bucked and reared into the corner of Colorado.
Where Jordyn was. Something tightened in Tanner's chest. She was his. His mate. His human, as usual, started going on about the reasonable reasons he had to leave. The reasons why he couldn't keep her happy. The reasons of how his restless nature would eventually break her heart.
Beneath the reason, Tanner knew his human was right. He had a restless nature. He liked to run. To roam. To get away from—
He snarled slightly to himself. His father swung his dark brown and silver head to look at him before returning his attention to the vista before them. "Something is weighing heavy on your mind, Tanner. Tell me.”
As his father sat there, surrounded by the smells of sage crushed beneath their paws, the piney scents of the forest behind them, and the occasional tantalizing whiff of rabbits nearby, Tanner gave another soft huff, the wolfish equivalent of a sigh. Being honest and straightforward in wolf form was simply what came naturally. The human need to hold things back for silly reasons never made much sense to him. His human snorted softly in the back of his mind, but sighed in agreement. Guess I actually did come out here to talk to dad, he murmured thoughtfully.
After another few silent moments of enjoying the scenery, Tanner said, "I got a job offer with a fire station far away.” He thought of the image his human sent, the place he called Seattle. “It's a good job. Good people there."
His father flicked an ear back and forth, the wolf equivalent of nodding. "How soon?"
"Another couple weeks. It's not really a firm offer. It was more of a, We might have an opening soon, you've been recommended, if you're interested, come out here."
Hi father kept his gaze on the ripple and flow of the dry lands spread out before them. "I see. So there hasn't been an actual offer yet."
Tanner's human began pacing in his mind, confusion and conflict radiating out of him. Feeling off kilter, Tanner slowly said, "Not really. No. I could stay here," he whispered. His human leapt to the front of his mind, pushing reason and logic at him. Tanner bared a fang. He was his human and his human was him, but they had different objectives right now. Quietly, he said, "There are good reasons to stay."
Reasons, he thought smartly at his human. I reason, too.
His human rolled his eyes. Even so, Tanner knew that all parts of him thought strongly about Jordyn. About his father. About his duty not to leave his pack again. About his duty toward the members of his crew at the local firehouse. They were very good people, too.
There was another long silence before his father spoke again. "I would never wish upon you the life I have chosen."
It startled Tanner so much he snapped his head around, staring at his father seated next to him on the side of the mountain.
"I did the best I could by you two pups for as long as I could.” He pictured Tanner and Tessa as he spoke. “When I got to missing your mother so much that I knew I just couldn't be a good father to you anymore, I sent you back to the pack because I knew they were strong enough to raise you both. Unlike me."
At Tanner's protest, his father lightly snapped at him to indicate that he wasn't to be interrupted. Tanner settled back, tail flicking softly against the ground. He stared over the ragged lines of the landscape in front of them as he listened.
"At that point, it was much better for me to be alone. For me to live as a lone wolf, knowing that you both would grow up protected by a strong pack. But you, Tanner." His father turned to look directly at him with his piercing amber eyes. "You atone all the time for the horrors of our past. You manage your baseless guilt by saving other people from fire—"
Despite himself, Tanner flinched as alw
ays at the thought of another family dying horrifically in flames.
"—and you manage your rage by drawing blood in legal ways on the shifter rings."
Tanner uttered a short, startled whine. He hadn't known his father knew about that.
His father huffed out a chuckle. "Your sister told me just before you moved back to Durango. She wanted me to know just in case you got your ass beat bad in the fights and I found out. She thought I'd be upset you hadn't told me."
Tanner snorted out a half-annoyed bark. At the same time, something warmed him. He and Tessa were actually fairly close despite the fact that he'd spent the past ten years bouncing around the country. They texted and talked fairly often, even though he'd hardly seen her in person since he'd been back. Aside from his rarely coming out here, she was busy with running the small Abajo pack as well as being a mother to young pups. But he knew without a doubt she cared fiercely for him. She only ever did what she thought was right to protect him.
To protect what was left of their family.
"I understand all that, Tanner,” his father went on, “because I did the same thing right after I left you both with the Black Mesa Pack. The fights were well known to me, long ago."
Another whine of sharp surprise erupted out of Tanner. "So I'm not the only one with secrets," he murmured, giving his father an appraising look.
His father chuckled, his gaze taking in the mostly empty expanse of land before them. "I decided to simply lose myself in the idea of beating up something. Because I could. It was the only way I could really exorcise my demons, back then. So I wasn't surprised when Tessa told me you were engaged in the fights as well. What does surprise me, though,” and he tipped an ear at Tanner, adding a huff to underscore his surprise, “is that you would leave the wolf of your heart. Not every wolf in the world finds his mate, you know. It is a rare and precious thing.” A note both wistful and firm bracketed his words. “That is something you should hold onto."
