Digger

by Lynn Burke

  The lamp trembled in my hand.

  A woman lay on her back, knees pulled up, ankles bound to her thighs, and spread open, offering the up close and personal view Eli had promised. While the woman in the first picture didn’t have a single hair hiding her sex, the second had a riot of flaming red curls atop her pubic bone. A thick, white substance dripped from both holes of her body.

  The desire to see Red like that brought a groan from deep in my gut that I couldn’t completely stifle.

  “My thoughts exactly.” Eli laughed and turned the magazine toward him once more. “Toby set me up on a date next weekend with a girl he says is easy.”

  I cleared my throat. “You’re going to have sex with her?”

  “Sure hope so.” He continued to peer down at the magazine. “Can’t wait to find out if a woman’s body feels different than my hand and watch my semen drip out of her like that.”

  I forced my attention away from the lewd picture. We’d been friends since childhood, and since Eli had begun running around, he’d started on a path to becoming a different person. “You … uh … you’ve masturbated?” I whispered.

  “Lots of times.” He turned the magazine sideways and tilted his head as though hoping for a better view of what one couldn’t possibly get a better view of. “Haven’t you?”

  My face heated. “No.”

  Eli’s head jerked up. “No?” He laughed when I didn’t respond. “I thought every guy did.”

  I shrugged, guilt over the magazine and our conversation making my feet itch. “I’ve got to get going.”

  “Sure.” He hopped up and scampered back to the rafters to replace his magazine.

  Without another word, we climbed down from the loft and made our way outside to join the peeping frogs beneath the stars. I handed him the lamp and climbed up onto my buggy I had hitched the horse to before following him into the barn.

  “I’ll let you know how my date goes next weekend,” he said with a grin.

  I turned on my buggy’s lamp. “I think I’d rather not know.”

  Eli laughed. “One day, a woman will turn your head and make that obedient mind of yours go places you never dreamed of.”

  If only he knew.

  I called to my horse and we trotted away.

  ****

  Every minute of the following week, the memory of the images I had seen filled my mind, leaving little space for prayer and reflection. Unable to help myself, my thoughts lingered on the ropes and markings … the dripping semen. I imagined binding Red in other ways, keeping her immobile for me to do with as I pleased. For touching, kissing, biting, marking her skin with my hands and a whip like the man had used on the woman in the picture.

  I had the strength to refrain from taking myself in hand and releasing my sexual frustration, but while sleeping, I had no such control. Twice after sexual dreams, I woke to find I had ejaculated in my underwear. Horrified, I had dropped to my knees beside my bed and begged forgiveness, but the heavy yoke on my shoulders didn’t lighten.

  What sort of man wanted to do such things to a woman? What sickness plagued me that I wanted to hurt the only girl I had ever been attracted to? I focused inward, ignorant and unsure of what had happened to my soul.

  ****

  “Your turn, Abel.” My eleven-year-old sister, Sarah, handed me the dice.

  I rolled, not caring one way or the other about winning our weekly Monopoly game.

  Mamm and Daed sat in their hickory rockers on either side of the propane lamp lighting and heating the already warm living room. All four windows stood open, letting in the cool spring air.

  I leaned forward on the blue couch cushion and tossed the dice onto the board atop the coffee table. “Three.”

  “Ha!” Naomi clapped her hands as I landed on a property she had bought a hotel for on her last turn.

  “How much do I owe you?” I asked, my voice deadpan, shoulders slumped.

  While she checked the back of the property card, my attention wandered. Normally, I enjoyed our Friday game night complete with huge bowls of buttered popcorn. My chest felt tight as my mind raced from one thought to the next, my gut sense and obedient spirit fighting against the filth I had seen and my desire for more of it.

  I handed over the play money to Naomi and ran a hand through my hair, casting a glance over at Daed. Confession would be gut for the soul, I knew, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to speak of what I had seen. Every inch of me crawled as though covered in dirt and sweat from wallowing like a pig in its sty.

  My father and I worked together in the wood shop every day, creating Shaker furniture for a local store to sell. There wasn’t anything in my life Daed didn’t know about. Until Red, there hadn’t been a desire, concern, or hope I hadn’t shared with him. A man of wisdom and understanding, he always seemed to know just what to say and when.

  As if hearing my thoughts, he lifted his head from the Bible in his hands. His hazel-eyed gaze lingered on my face. “Are you well, son?”

  I bit on the inside of my lip for a few seconds, but nodded. “Ya, Daed.”

  He smiled and returned to his book.

  Jacob and Jedidiah, the brothers I had always wanted but didn’t get until I was thirteen, played with blocks at Mamm’s feet as she too read a book resting on her lap. My gaze flitted over her midsection, and I noticed what Naomi had claimed the Sunday before.

  What kind of relationship did my parents share? I wondered, studying their down-turned heads. The thought of their procreating made me wince, but I couldn’t help wondering if they enjoyed each other, or if intimacy was simply a chore married couples must endure to populate the earth as Gott had commanded.

  I had seen Daed gently lay his hand on Mamm’s lower back a few times and call her his liebchen, and I had caught them gazing at each other unlike anyone else I had ever seen. Never had a cross word left their mouths that I had heard. Perhaps they were truly in love and did enjoy the marriage bed.

  “Abel!” Sarah said again, elbowing me.

  I pulled my mind back to the present and took the dice from her hand.

  “Pay attention,” Ruthie, my youngest sister said, using the words I normally had to toss her way. Only seven, she didn’t completely grasp the concept of the game, but insisted on playing.

  “Gathering wool, Little Nugget.” I grinned down at her and tugged her long braid. “Sorry.”

  Her lips mirrored Sarah’s scowl, her blue eyes half-hidden by her narrowed gaze.

  A shriek sounded from the twins, drawing all of our attention. Jacob clobbered Jedidiah over the head, and the younger twin howled, hitting him back.

  “Boys.” Daed’s stern yet quiet voice made both boys pause mid-strike. They sat still as stone as Daed lay down the Bible and stood. He took them both in hand and marched them up the stairs, and my backside flinched in memory of the strap sure to lick their backsides. It had only taken a handful of such spankings to set me on the path of righteousness as a child. Mamm always said I had been a quick learner, one of her seven gifts from Gott.

  I tossed the dice and glanced around at the family I adored more than life itself. Sitting up straighter, I decided it was time to honor both of my parents for their commitment to raise me right in the sight of Gott—I was done with my mental sin. I had made my confession to Gott, and whether I experienced relief from the shame or not, the Bible promised forgiveness.

  End of sample chapter

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